SirenBay Posted June 2, 2021 Posted June 2, 2021 Me and my Fiance have been together for 4.5 years. He is a really great person, super nice, can be caring, always concerned if something is wrong, which is great. However, when he and I moved in together things took a turn, he started ignoring me and focusing on his video games, would never spend time with me, talking to him about anything resulted in him getting upset. I tried to make things work by giving him space, playing games with him, which resulted in him yelling at me, not asking him to do things cause I know it would upset him, but it just made me bitter, so I confronted him. He and I talked, he said he seen everything I was doing but hadn't cared until then, when I was ready to walk away. He asked for a chance, I asked that he start paying attention to me, an hour a day, and talk to me instead of getting upset. Things were going good for the last month and a half, but things have seened to change again. He is irritable about everything, he gets upset over little things like me wanting to show him a video, he has no interest in learning what I like, he has no respect for my family, and he yells at my cat. I know I told him I would give him a chance, but now, it feels like I'm seeing his true colors and I'm regretting giving him a chance. But I also don't know if I'm just over reacting, I mean its been 4.5 years and he's 34 with no job, I feel like I'm babysitting, which I don't think is good to feel about someone you plan to marry
Wiseman2 Posted June 2, 2021 Posted June 2, 2021 (edited) 52 minutes ago, SirenBay said: , he has no respect for my family, and he yells at my cat. he's 34 with no job, I feel like I'm babysitting, Why be with this mean lazy overgrown child? It feels like babysitting because it is babysitting. Who supports him? Throw him out asap. Have you read the book "The Peter Pan Syndrome"? It may give you insight into why you are mothering him. Edited June 2, 2021 by Wiseman2 1 2
Trail Blazer Posted June 2, 2021 Posted June 2, 2021 Never regret giving him a second chance. You can now dump him without ever thinking, "what if?" because you now know for certain that this leopard will never change his spots. 3
Author SirenBay Posted June 2, 2021 Author Posted June 2, 2021 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Why be with this mean lazy overgrown child? It feels like babysitting because it is babysitting. Who supports him? Throw him out asap. Have you read the book "The Peter Pan Syndrome"? It may give you insight into why you are mothering him. I looked up the book you mentioned and read the description for it. I don't think I have ever seena better description for what I am dealing with than a man with peter pan syndrome. Thank you for pointing that out to me. It was very useful 1
smackie9 Posted June 2, 2021 Posted June 2, 2021 you are not over reacting. That is why we date...to see how they will be in the long haul, (living together, finical responsibility, same goals, and how they treat us) Its a trial run. You saw the change almost immediately. Save yourself, dump and run. IMO you shouldn't have to tell a man how to be a grown a$$ adult. 2
BeanCounter Posted June 2, 2021 Posted June 2, 2021 You gave him plenty of chances. Frankly, you're too good for this guy. If this is what it is like now, imagine 5 or 10 years from now? 2
Ami1uwant Posted June 2, 2021 Posted June 2, 2021 This has nothing to do with red flags...... red flags are early warning beacons you look for BEFORE you move in together. this is something different that you might not notice until you move in together. This is why peop,e try it out a few months to see how things go before going all in. 1
Author SirenBay Posted June 2, 2021 Author Posted June 2, 2021 2 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: This has nothing to do with red flags...... red flags are early warning beacons you look for BEFORE you move in together. this is something different that you might not notice until you move in together. This is why peop,e try it out a few months to see how things go before going all in. the thing is, red flags can come up at any time, its not just when someone moves in with another. any major life event can bring about red flags from a person. In my case, this is the person I was planning to marry, there were little to no obvious red flags prior to moving in with eachother. It has only been after that this behavior has been noticable.
Ami1uwant Posted June 2, 2021 Posted June 2, 2021 1 minute ago, SirenBay said: the thing is, red flags can come up at any time, its not just when someone moves in with another. any major life event can bring about red flags from a person. In my case, this is the person I was planning to marry, there were little to no obvious red flags prior to moving in with eachother. It has only been after that this behavior has been noticable. No lthst goes against the concept of warning flags. I bet if I knew early on I would have seen this commit.
Vitaminka Posted June 2, 2021 Posted June 2, 2021 14 hours ago, SirenBay said: He is irritable about everything, he gets upset over little things like me wanting to show him a video, he has no interest in learning what I like, he has no respect for my family, and he yells at my cat. OK, that is just plenty to say to him that this is not working out and walk away. 14 hours ago, SirenBay said: I'm just over reacting, I mean its been 4.5 years and he's 34 with no job, I feel like I'm babysitting, which I don't think is good to feel about someone you plan to marry OK, I was wrong before, this is even more reasons to say good bye. Everything you have wrote here about him is one big giant red flag. Not good. It is only going to get worse as the time goes on. You tried, and tried again, no shame in that. Now it is time tp recognize that this is a dead-end relationship and get out.
Gaeta Posted June 2, 2021 Posted June 2, 2021 Thank your lucky star you are not married and move out. The 3 years I dated my ex-husband he was the dream man. At the moment we moved in together he became moody, distant, difficult, disrespectful but too late we were married and I was pregnant so I got 15 more years of this. 1
Vitaminka Posted June 2, 2021 Posted June 2, 2021 (edited) 23 minutes ago, SirenBay said: the thing is, red flags can come up at any time, its not just when someone moves in with another. any major life event can bring about red flags from a person. In my case, this is the person I was planning to marry, there were little to no obvious red flags prior to moving in with eachother. It has only been after that this behavior has been noticable. It is probably the case where he grossly misrepresented himself. Very probably that he never showed you what he was truly like before you actually physically moved in together. Some people are quite good at hiding their faults. That is why they say living together is like a trial period to see whether or not the two of you are compatible or not. Edited June 2, 2021 by Vitaminka
Author SirenBay Posted June 2, 2021 Author Posted June 2, 2021 22 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: No lthst goes against the concept of warning flags. I bet if I knew early on I would have seen this commit. a warning flag is a warning, a red flag means stop. People can play the game very well, and some dont show red flags until later on. had i seen them prior, id of left sooner, believe me
smackie9 Posted June 2, 2021 Posted June 2, 2021 it's not red flags...it's disappointments. You have been completely let down. So unfair.
MsJayne Posted June 2, 2021 Posted June 2, 2021 I want to come 'round to your place and throw him out myself! Please just pull the plug on his stupid video games and give him a weeks notice. 34, unemployed, and playing video games...pfft. Another few months and you'll be bottle-feeding him.
Ami1uwant Posted June 2, 2021 Posted June 2, 2021 1 hour ago, SirenBay said: a warning flag is a warning, a red flag means stop. People can play the game very well, and some dont show red flags until later on. had i seen them prior, id of left sooner, believe me it’s a flag....a warning flag that people over analyze after a 1st date vs evaluating after a few dates.
Snow_Queen Posted June 2, 2021 Posted June 2, 2021 (edited) Posted my response to wrong thread. Edited June 2, 2021 by Snow_Queen
Vitaminka Posted June 2, 2021 Posted June 2, 2021 2 hours ago, SirenBay said: a warning flag is a warning, a red flag means stop. People can play the game very well, and some dont show red flags until later on. had i seen them prior, id of left sooner, believe me A warning flag, a red flag. Makes no difference whatsoever. Call it whatever you wish. It doesn't change the fact that you are living with an unemployed man-child who plays video games and doesn't gives a damn about your feelings. He is still going to be meant to you and to your family and to your cat no matter what flag it is. I suppose, more important question would be is what are you going to do since your eyes are wide open now. Thinking about your next step and moving forward with your life without this guy are just few of the things that you need to focus on.
notbroken Posted June 3, 2021 Posted June 3, 2021 Unless you want to support a moody unemployed guy that is more interested in video games than you, end this ASAP. I don't see him changing much here. His future is not bright and I can't see why you'd want to be a part of it at this point other than nostalgia (you've dated him a long time). Has he worked much in the past? Is he ambitious? Does he have any skills? Educated? Is there anything that shows he might 'get it together' and become a producer instead of a 'taker' on the world? If not, don't look back.
Alfano Posted June 3, 2021 Posted June 3, 2021 What you've described is a fairly normal relationship. I mean you could dump him and start from scratch but employed guys who take care of their wives and spend time with them and don't sit around playing video games all day long and getting angry when their wives want to spend time with them are as rare as unicorns.
Author SirenBay Posted June 3, 2021 Author Posted June 3, 2021 1 minute ago, Alfano said: What you've described is a fairly normal relationship. I mean you could dump him and start from scratch but employed guys who take care of their wives and spend time with them and don't sit around playing video games all day long and getting angry when their wives want to spend time with them are as rare as unicorns. yeah I dont think it's normal to get upset when someone talks to you, or ignores you completely in a relationship. Also, at no point in time did I say I wanted to be taken care of, I do that just fine myself. What I do want is for him or anyone else, to be able to take care of themselves and show equal respect and care. I'm not looking for a unicorn, im looking for a partner.
BeanCounter Posted June 3, 2021 Posted June 3, 2021 3 hours ago, SirenBay said: yeah I dont think it's normal to get upset when someone talks to you, or ignores you completely in a relationship. Also, at no point in time did I say I wanted to be taken care of, I do that just fine myself. What I do want is for him or anyone else, to be able to take care of themselves and show equal respect and care. I'm not looking for a unicorn, im looking for a partner. I'm detecting there was a fair bit of sarcasm there in the post you're replying to I, uh, hope at least... 1
Author SirenBay Posted June 3, 2021 Author Posted June 3, 2021 4 minutes ago, BeanCounter said: I'm detecting there was a fair bit of sarcasm there in the post you're replying to I, uh, hope at least... thats why i responded with a "no s*** sherlock" tone
BeanCounter Posted June 3, 2021 Posted June 3, 2021 3 minutes ago, SirenBay said: thats why i responded with a "no s*** sherlock" tone When you call someone out for not detecting sarcasm and they were also being sarcastic...Whoops, my bad 1
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