What would you do if you met someone and things were good but they had red flags?

[GoldMind]

what if you meet someone , start dating, the chemistry is there the sex is there they are ultra nice to you doing things for you, buying you gifts, setting up dates everything is great but they have major red flags?

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, GoldMind said:

what if you meet someone , start dating, the chemistry is there the sex is there they are ultra nice to you doing things for you, buying you gifts, setting up dates everything is great but they have major red flags?

What are the major red flags?

I dated someone like this for a wihle. I broke up with him when I noticed that he had some significant issues. 

[GoldMind]

21 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What are the major red flags?

I dated someone like this for a wihle. I broke up with him when I noticed that he had some significant issues. 

She's  a girl

the good; super loving and affectionate, super fun, great chemistry, offers to buy me gifts, cooks for me,  great sex, love being with her and talkig to her. Never a dull moment. Extremely energetic. always has fun date ideas and always has great ideas to go on fun dates.

the bad; talks about her ex a lot and about things he did for her and compares me to him, also says he abused her and cheated on her but doesn't say why they stayed together or what happened, is extremely immature for her age. Is very clingy and needs to text me 24/7. Is always posting selfies on social media and is desperate for attention and validation. Has been with lots and lots of different guys. Gets passive aggressive, sad, if i don't respond or take her out or she feels like i'm rejecting her. Has no self esteem. Has no self respect. Is hyper sexual. Hates her dad because he did some bad thngs to her mum. tells me she slept with rich drug dealers before

[Donnas]

Things cant be good if there are redflags.Makes no sense.

And tou cant cover redflags with sex and gifts.

Soon you will have to deal with it.

And it may be worse, cause tou got involved with the person more deeply and it may feel harder to leave.

Redflags are there to warn you.Should listen to them right away.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, GoldMind said:

he bad; talks about her ex a lot and about things he did for her and compares me to him, also says he abused her and cheated on her but doesn't say why they stayed together or what happened, is extremely immature for her age. Is very clingy and needs to text me 24/7. Is always posting selfies on social media and is desperate for attention and validation. Has been with lots and lots of different guys. Gets passive aggressive, sad, if i don't respond or take her out or she feels like i'm rejecting her. Has no self esteem. Has no self respect. Is hyper sexual. Hates her dad because he did some bad thngs to her mum. tells me she slept with rich drug dealers before

Then these aren't red fags that just appeared. It's simply that you're getting to know the real her better, and you're seeing she is not who you thought she was. 

Personally, I would not continue dating someone like this. She's got a boatload of personal issues to work on before she will be ready to have truly healthy relationship. Up to you if you want to stick around for the drama. The end result is likely to be the same - it's just a question of how long you will spin your wheels with her until it burns out. 

[GoldMind]

51 minutes ago, Donnas said:

Things cant be good if there are redflags.Makes no sense.

And tou cant cover redflags with sex and gifts.

Soon you will have to deal with it.

And it may be worse, cause tou got involved with the person more deeply and it may feel harder to leave.

Redflags are there to warn you.Should listen to them right away.

But i mean the good feelings

- chemistry, sex, fun together, dates

but red flag?

i mean none of the red flags actually affect the feeling or chemistry but they are there

[Acacia98]

2 minutes ago, GoldMind said:

But i mean the good feelings

- chemistry, sex, fun together, dates

but red flag?

i mean none of the red flags actually affect the feeling or chemistry but they are there

If I had the presence of mind to do the sensible thing (which, admittedly, is not always the case), I would end the relationship. The red flags may not seem to matter now, while you're preoccupied with the good sex etc., but they do. And that will become more obvious as time goes by.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Donnas said:

Things cant be good if there are redflags.Makes no sense.

What kind of red flags ?

Agree. You're in this for the sex so are choosing to overlook stuff.

When the sex gets old/stale these red flags will come into sharper focus and that's when it will fall apart.

Up to you if you want to cut your losses sooner rather than later.

[GoldMind]

9 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

If I had the presence of mind to do the sensible thing (which, admittedly, is not always the case), I would end the relationship. The red flags may not seem to matter now, while you're preoccupied with the good sex etc., but they do. And that will become more obvious as time goes by.

Yea my friend said not to ignore red flags because although the sex and everything is great once the 'honey moon phase' is over then you'll realised you are with someone you don't actually like  or has bad morals/values/ is a poor person (Not financaily i mean humab being a poor person)

is he true about this?

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, GoldMind said:

Yea my friend said not to ignore red flags because although the sex and everything is great once the 'honey moon phase' is over then you'll realised you are with someone you don't actually like  or has bad morals/values/ is a poor person (Not financaily i mean humab being a poor person)

is he true about this?

Yes, absolutely. 

Sex and chemistry are not enough to hold a relationship together. And once the inital thrills die down and the sex is not as frequent, you will find there is little to enjoy about this relationship. 

[Trail Blazer]

I would keep having sex with her but keep her at arm's length and not let her get too close. 

Bag that sucker as the last thing you'd want to do is put a bun in the oven. 

Ultimately, those red flags are absolute deal-breakers for mine.   

[GoldMind]

1 minute ago, Trail Blazer said:

I would keep having sex with her but keep her at arm's length and not let her get too close. 

Bag that sucker as the last thing you'd want to do is put a bun in the oven. 

Ultimately, those red flags are absolute deal-breakers for mine.   

yea she is obsessed with babies as well it's really weird she often says i wonder what our babies would look like and i get a bit freaked out

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, GoldMind said:

yea she is obsessed with babies as well it's really weird she often says i wonder what our babies would look like and i get a bit freaked out

Yikes. Can you spell c-l-i-n-g-y?

How old is she? This is typical teen talk. It's right up there with doodling your name with Mrs all over her notebook.

She is just too immature and naive for you.

Don't string her along for sex. That kind of makes you a heel.

Edited June 2, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Trail Blazer]

7 minutes ago, GoldMind said:

yea she is obsessed with babies as well it's really weird she often says i wonder what our babies would look like and i get a bit freaked out

How old is she/you?  I would tread very careful with this one.  She has bunny boiler written all over her.

[GoldMind]

26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yikes. Can you spell c-l-i-n-g-y?

How old is she? This is typical teen talk. It's right up there with doodling your name with Mrs all over her notebook.

She is just too immature and naive for you.

Don't string her along for sex. That kind of makes you a heel.

 

24 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

How old is she/you?  I would tread very careful with this one.  She has bunny boiler written all over her.

she is 25 yea it's a bit weird because my mum met her and said she acts like she is 16 years old its a bit strange how someone her age can act so immature

[Trail Blazer]

1 minute ago, GoldMind said:

 

she is 25 yea it's a bit weird because my mum met her and said she acts like she is 16 years old its a bit strange how someone her age can act so immature

I dunno, bro... so many twenty-something girls act and behave incredibly immature these days. 

Please forgive my Okay Boomer moment here,  but I'm in my mid-late thirties and I've been going to the gym (on and off) for over twenty years and I've never seen so many narcissistic chicks strutting around with fake lips, covered in shitty tatts and taking endless selfies before.

Don't get me wrong, I grew up with many immature people of both sexes, but it just seems like this generation are especially immature, self-absorbed and lacking in social skills.  Definitely cell phone addiction and SM has something to do with it.

[basil67]

Chronological age is frequently unrelated to emotional age.

Of the list of red flags you've given, the bit about hating her dad because he did bad things to her mum is probably the key to all of this.  I wonder if she grew up in an abusive household.  If this is the truth, then that role modelling explains a whole heap of her bad choices.  Kids who come from dysfunctional homes can grow up into dysfunctional adults.

Did she tell you what her father did to her mum?   Or what her home life was like growing up?

[GoldMind]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Chronological age is frequently unrelated to emotional age.

Of the list of red flags you've given, the bit about hating her dad because he did bad things to her mum is probably the key to all of this.  I wonder if she grew up in an abusive household.  If this is the truth, then that role modelling explains a whole heap of her bad choices.  Kids who come from dysfunctional homes can grow up into dysfunctional adults.

Did she tell you what her father did to her mum?   Or what her home life was like growing up?

She said that he is talking to other women on the phone and probably cheating

she also said her ex cheated on her as well

she seems to have this hatred towards men but also love them as she is consantly wanting attention and vadliation

[ExpatInItaly]

This is not going to end well for you, OP. 

If you're looking for an enjoyable, healthy and happy relaitonship...you need to keep looking. This isn't going to become that. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, GoldMind said:

she seems to have this hatred towards men but also love them as she is consantly wanting attention and vadliation

Ok. If she's that damaged and you know it, don't be just another guy using her for sex. End it.

[Donnas]

Why dont you name 3 of her redflags.....?

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, Donnas said:

Why dont you name 3 of her redflags.....?

 He already did.

6 hours ago, GoldMind said:

the bad; talks about her ex a lot and about things he did for her and compares me to him, also says he abused her and cheated on her but doesn't say why they stayed together or what happened, is extremely immature for her age. Is very clingy and needs to text me 24/7. Is always posting selfies on social media and is desperate for attention and validation. Has been with lots and lots of different guys. Gets passive aggressive, sad, if i don't respond or take her out or she feels like i'm rejecting her. Has no self esteem. Has no self respect. Is hyper sexual. Hates her dad because he did some bad thngs to her mum. tells me she slept with rich drug dealers before

 

 

[Blind-Sided]

6 hours ago, Donnas said:

Things cant be good if there are redflags. Makes no sense.

And you cant cover redflags with sex and gifts.

This.

You are getting sex and gift.  You are looking past the red flags.   You know it's not right, and you know you need to leave before you get really attached. 

[Gaeta]

I would not call those red flags, I'd call them flashing neons & siren alarm on full blast. 

[ShyViolet]

This girl is a mess, how have you not ended this already?  I don't care how physically attractive she is, those personality traits are so unattractive that they would counteract all physical attractiveness.