My fiancé looked through my phone

[smackie9]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Then he should be doing the viewing lol

He loves the fact he doesn't have to deal with it. lol

[Eternal Sunshine]

I would let this go. There is a lot of advice out there that couples should communicate about everything. I never found that it worked for me. It only brought drama, conflict and negativity and ultimately damaged the relationship.

[dramafreezone]

On 6/1/2021 at 6:03 PM, Vitaminka said:

Hi to all Loveshack  users!

I need your help!

My fiance and I been together for almost 6 years. Relatively normal relationship, no fights, etc... No crazy exes on either side, no jealousy issues. I am not the type of a person who flirts with other guys or cheats. 

We went on a trip out of town last Friday and came back yesterday. As he was driving back to the city, I was sitting right next to him texting my mother. I was telling her that we are going to be home soon. I saw that he looked at me kind of funny, kind of like a question mark look, maybe a little smirky, but he never said anything. Anyhow, I asked him to stop at a gas station because I had to use a restroom. He suggested that I leave my purse and my cellphone at the car, stating that it would be not very comfortable to carry lots of things into the restroom. I agreed and left them inside. He gave me my cell and my purse back when I came back to the car. He gave me a funny look again but I though that I am just imagining things since everything was very normal between us. 

I looked at my cell and saw that my messenger was open. I remember distinctly that I closed it. My phone is not password proofed since I don't have anything to hide and that I don't do much with it rather than phoning and texting. 

I don't know what to think. I am still in shock since yesterday trying to proses him snooping through my phone. I have no clue, maybe he went into my phone before. I never looked into him since I do trust him. Maybe he has something to hide and suspects me of the same? I never gave him any reason not to trust me. He could've asked me who I was texting instead of sneaking.

 I haven't said anything and am trying to act normal. Do I say anything? And if so, what do I say? 

What do I do:

1. Do I say nothing, go on and pretend it never happened.

2. Say that I know that he snooped. Ask him why he doesn't trust me. Tell him that I am offended that he doesn't trust me enough. And then what? 

3.Say nothing and quietly observe his behavior. Maybe also go into his phone and/or e-mail to see if he is hiding anything from me. Don't like snooping, never done so, but that would tell me if he is hiding anything from me.

4. Something else????

He never displayed  a controlling or a possessive behavior. I don't talk to any of my exes but have a few guy friends. He seem fine with them, or I believe that he is. Never threw me a jealousy fit. I thought that our relationship was build on the trust, but I was obviously wrong.

P.S. My mom told me not to say anything to him. Told me not to rock a boat. Don't know if I agree with her per se.

 

 

Even if he did look in your phone, if this is an isolated incident then I would let it go.  He had a weak moment, we all do from time to time, we're human.

[Starswillshine]

Have any of your behaviors changed any recently? Like working later than normal? Texting more? Etc. 

I would have zero issue with my BF checking my phone. I leave it behind all the time. If he wants to check it, that is completely fine with me. 

For me, if my BF was checking my phone all the time, I *MIGHT* bring it up ONLY so I can address whatever is making him feel insecure or having worries about my loyalty. But neither of us are believers in complete blind trust. Both of us have been burned pretty badly by just trusting someone. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 6/1/2021 at 8:03 PM, Vitaminka said:

My phone is not password proofed since I don't have anything to hide and that I don't do much with it rather than phoning and texting. 

You don't password proof your phone, since you have nothing to hide, so I wouldn't bring it up. If it keeps bothering you, add a password.

I would pick my battles and in the grand scheme of things, this isn't a biggie.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Also, why did you bring your mom into this? It's not like he hit you or cheated. Sharing relationship details with others can be destructive to a relationship, every bit as much as snooping.

[Wiseman2]

On 6/1/2021 at 9:13 PM, Vitaminka said:

My biggest worry would be that he, himself, is hiding something from me.

Postpone the wedding. Lack of trust, rifling though phones (real or imagined) etc means you've got a lot of stuff to work out.

[BeanCounter]

17 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Also, why did you bring your mom into this? It's not like he hit you or cheated. Sharing relationship details with others can be destructive to a relationship, every bit as much as snooping.

Sooo true.... One of my ex girlfriends was coming to visit me on a work trip one time and her plane landed when I was still at work, so I was going to have an uber come pick her up, and she got extremely upset about it and told me "my mom said a good boyfriend would pick me up himself." I knew the relationship was over after that comment. Can't talk to me about your problems and have to do what your mom says?

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Also, why did you bring your mom into this? It's not like he hit you or cheated. Sharing relationship details with others can be destructive to a relationship, every bit as much as snooping.

The real damage that comes with sharing stuff with your family is that they typically will only hear about the bad stuff, so in their eyes this guy is just a scumbag.

She can't even confirm that it happened.  I think this is making a mountain out of a molehill if this was an isolated incident.  Like I said, even if it's true, everyone has weak moments.

Edited June 3, 2021 by dramafreezone

[lurker74]

There are two rational choices.

1. Do nothing and forget about it. You have a good relationship and if he was momentarily worried about something, who cares? If that behavior comes out at other times you could address it but you didn't say he'd jealous or controlling so leave it.
2. Communicate. Say, "OK, Charlie, I have to talk to you about something because it's bothering me and better to have it out in the open than let it eat away at me. I don't think it's a big deal but I couldn't help but notice that you went through my phone the other day at the gas station. Have at it. Look through it. But why did you? Help me understand so that in the future after we are married, we are communicating openly."

Personally, I'd take choice #1 but if it really is bothering you, calmly select choice #2. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, lurker74 said:

1.Do nothing and forget about it. 

2.Communicate.

Or 3. Change all your passcodes a on all your accounts and devices.  Set your phone so after x time dormant it times out and you have to use a passcode to enter. Problem solved. If he notices/questions it, you have your answer that he's rifling through your phone.

[Starswillshine]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Or 3. Change all your passcodes a on all your accounts and devices.  Set your phone so after x time dormant it times out and you have to use a passcode to enter. Problem solved. If he notices/questions it, you have your answer that he's rifling through your phone.

If he was going through her phone to read messages, etc, this will absolutely not fix things. 

If you have nothing to hide, then why care? 

[serial muse]

OP, you're relatively new to LS, right? Any chance he saw you browsing here and got the wrong idea? 

[ZA Dater]

A friend of mine had a similar issue with a fiance who became a husband and this was the start of increasingly controlling behaviour so I think you need to look overall to her behaviour and then use judgement to ascertain how much of a problem this is to you. Unfortunately for whatever reason some people can become very possessive and I do not thing that it a good situation for either party.

Maybe the out for this is for you to pick up his phone and see what he says and more importantly how he reacts.

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

If you have nothing to hide, then why care? 

Interestingly before smart phones, people were allowed to have privacy/private thoughts. Now it's worse than the George Orwell's "1984" with everyone policing everyone.

I close the bathroom door. Am I hiding something? Or is that appropriate boundaries, trust and respect?

I disagree with the lets scroll through each other's phone thing. If someone wants to hide something, you don't need smartphones to do it.

Edited June 3, 2021 by Wiseman2

[LauraXX]

Having a partner go through my phone would be a huge no go for me. Even a reason for a break-up tbh.

That has nothing to do with having something to hide in regards to flirting with other people. I’ve been in lots of relationships and I can honestly say that I’ve never cheated. But... phones are so personal: chats with my friends (it‘s about their privacy as well), work stuff that is nobody‘s business, hideous selfies, my period tracker, websites like this forum  It‘s just very disturbing to imagine my partner not respecting that. Plus: I would see it as a clear sign that he doesn‘t trust me. 

I texted my best friend a while ago because I wanted to know at what time she‘d be over. But it was actually her boyfriend who replied: „X here...Y is in the shower and I saw that you texted her. I‘ll tell her to give you a call“. Seems harmless and I know SHE doesn’t mind... but: she‘s my best friend and I‘ve texted her so many personal things. VERY personal things that I definitely don‘t want him to read. It‘s just not cool and soooo unnecessary. So now I hardly text her anymore which is a shame, because we don‘t see each other very often. 

That being said: You should be 100% sure that he actually did that before you confront him about it. Or maybe not accuse him of touching your phone, but have a general discussion about respecting each other’s privacy and what is off limits. 

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

If he was going through her phone to read messages, etc, this will absolutely not fix things. 

If you have nothing to hide, then why care? 

Because it's about the principle of the thing. Why is he doing it, what is the NEED to invade her privacy.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

If he was going through her phone to read messages, etc, this will absolutely not fix things. 

Yes it will. It sends the clear-cut message: "I respect myself, have boundaries and you need to respect them or get lost".  

[Starswillshine]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes it will. It sends the clear-cut message: "I respect myself, have boundaries and you need to respect them or get lost".  

If he was having issues with trusting her, unfounded or not, this will only be worse. So yes, it will solve it by brining more issues into the relationship and likely end it. 

[Starswillshine]

8 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Because it's about the principle of the thing. Why is he doing it, what is the NEED to invade her privacy.

That is what she needs to find out by communicating with him. Maybe it had nothing to do with him snooping. Maybe something made him feel suspicious and they can talk about it. 

 

[introverted1]

Unless there is more to this story, you don't even know if he snooped in your phone or if you just didn't close out your messenger app.  I think the real question is why, with a man you've been with for 6 years and are planning to marry, you are so quick to assume that the only option is that he snooped?  What is going on in the r/s that leads you to jump to this conclusion?

I agree with whoever said this is a good time to talk about boundaries in general as well as whatever else is on your mind right now.

[smackie9]

I bet money on it if she does ask he will deny everything and say she's imagining things. She has to actually catch him in the act before there can be any dialog.

[cleverusername]

Ooooo I like this "what if" game. What if the phone got knocked over and he picked it up and accidently got unlocked? What if the phone fairy unlocked it? What if this is all imagined?

Isolated incident. Make a mental note of it for the future. Move on. If it happens again you can start to question it.

[CollinW]

Do you have marriage yips? You seem to be projecting a whole lot and making up things in your head to justify your paranoia. The whole "he looked at me funny" is good old fashion grade A gaslighting and projection. 

I live by the ideology that we're not going to go through each other's phone but there is still an open door policy. In my eyes if I'm going through your phone it's already over. You seem too paranoid and offended to not have something to hide. Unless of course you're having marriage yips

[Wiseman2]

Passcode. Passcode. Passcode.

Perfect solution.

You should have it anyway, but if he inquires about it he de facto admits he's been snooping and it's time to dump him.

Edited June 5, 2021 by Wiseman2