My fiancé looked through my phone

[Vitaminka]

Hi to all Loveshack  users!

I need your help!

My fiance and I been together for almost 6 years. Relatively normal relationship, no fights, etc... No crazy exes on either side, no jealousy issues. I am not the type of a person who flirts with other guys or cheats. 

We went on a trip out of town last Friday and came back yesterday. As he was driving back to the city, I was sitting right next to him texting my mother. I was telling her that we are going to be home soon. I saw that he looked at me kind of funny, kind of like a question mark look, maybe a little smirky, but he never said anything. Anyhow, I asked him to stop at a gas station because I had to use a restroom. He suggested that I leave my purse and my cellphone at the car, stating that it would be not very comfortable to carry lots of things into the restroom. I agreed and left them inside. He gave me my cell and my purse back when I came back to the car. He gave me a funny look again but I though that I am just imagining things since everything was very normal between us. 

I looked at my cell and saw that my messenger was open. I remember distinctly that I closed it. My phone is not password proofed since I don't have anything to hide and that I don't do much with it rather than phoning and texting. 

I don't know what to think. I am still in shock since yesterday trying to proses him snooping through my phone. I have no clue, maybe he went into my phone before. I never looked into him since I do trust him. Maybe he has something to hide and suspects me of the same? I never gave him any reason not to trust me. He could've asked me who I was texting instead of sneaking.

 I haven't said anything and am trying to act normal. Do I say anything? And if so, what do I say? 

What do I do:

1. Do I say nothing, go on and pretend it never happened.

2. Say that I know that he snooped. Ask him why he doesn't trust me. Tell him that I am offended that he doesn't trust me enough. And then what? 

3.Say nothing and quietly observe his behavior. Maybe also go into his phone and/or e-mail to see if he is hiding anything from me. Don't like snooping, never done so, but that would tell me if he is hiding anything from me.

4. Something else????

He never displayed  a controlling or a possessive behavior. I don't talk to any of my exes but have a few guy friends. He seem fine with them, or I believe that he is. Never threw me a jealousy fit. I thought that our relationship was build on the trust, but I was obviously wrong.

P.S. My mom told me not to say anything to him. Told me not to rock a boat. Don't know if I agree with her per se.

 

 

Edited June 2, 2021 by Vitaminka

[Vitaminka]

In your opinion, how serious is this?  My biggest worry would be that he, himself, is hiding something from me.

Edited June 2, 2021 by Vitaminka

[stopcaringbro]

maybe he is projecting u shuld look through his phone (serious)

[Gaeta]

Don't fix something that isn't broken. He may just have accidently touch messenger by grabbing your phone or putting it down. In the grand picture, after 6 good years together, let it go.

[Alfano]

34 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

He may just have accidently touch messenger by grabbing your phone or putting it down.

Yeah that's a very likely scenario.

 

[Vitaminka]

37 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Don't fix something that isn't broken. He may just have accidently touch messenger by grabbing your phone or putting it down. In the grand picture, after 6 good years together, let it go.

That could be it. hope so...

[Donnas]

This is someone u wanna marry to.

So it all starts now.You are already pretending,scared to talk and stuff.

Thats not a good start. 

If this is something real, you need to adres issues openly.And tell your real feelings.So you can know his real reaction now.

Nothing happens for no reason.So this is something you should talk about.And by talking and being honest you both can know eachothers limits and so on.

You need to work on issues now.

Marriage wont fix them.So now is the time to adress all issues also.And this can also show you if its a good idea to marry this person or no.

By not speak up right away you built anger and stuff.And soon you will show it anyway.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Vitaminka said:

Hi to all Loveshack  users!

I need your help!

My fiance and I been together for almost 6 years. Relatively normal relationship, no fights, etc... No crazy exes on either side, no jealousy issues. I am not the type of a person who flirts with other guys or cheats. 

We went on a trip out of town last Friday and came back yesterday. As he was driving back to the city, I was sitting right next to him texting my mother. I was telling her that we are going to be home soon. I saw that he looked at me kind of funny, kind of like a question mark look, maybe a little smirky, but he never said anything. Anyhow, I asked him to stop at a gas station because I had to use a restroom. He suggested that I leave my purse and my cellphone at the car, stating that it would be not very comfortable to carry lots of things into the restroom. I agreed and left them inside. He gave me my cell and my purse back when I came back to the car. He gave me a funny look again but I though that I am just imagining things since everything was very normal between us. 

I looked at my cell and saw that my messenger was open. I remember distinctly that I closed it. My phone is not password proofed since I don't have anything to hide and that I don't do much with it rather than phoning and texting. 

I don't know what to think. I am still in shock since yesterday trying to proses him snooping through my phone. I have no clue, maybe he went into my phone before. I never looked into him since I do trust him. Maybe he has something to hide and suspects me of the same? I never gave him any reason not to trust me. He could've asked me who I was texting instead of sneaking.

 I haven't said anything and am trying to act normal. Do I say anything? And if so, what do I say? 

What do I do:

1. Do I say nothing, go on and pretend it never happened.

2. Say that I know that he snooped. Ask him why he doesn't trust me. Tell him that I am offended that he doesn't trust me enough. And then what? 

3.Say nothing and quietly observe his behavior. Maybe also go into his phone and/or e-mail to see if he is hiding anything from me. Don't like snooping, never done so, but that would tell me if he is hiding anything from me.

4. Something else????

He never displayed  a controlling or a possessive behavior. I don't talk to any of my exes but have a few guy friends. He seem fine with them, or I believe that he is. Never threw me a jealousy fit. I thought that our relationship was build on the trust, but I was obviously wrong.

P.S. My mom told me not to say anything to him. Told me not to rock a boat. Don't know if I agree with her per se.

 

 

Stop reading into things here.  You might have left it open. He could have looked up something on your phone and hit the button.

Have you had problems in this relationship?

 

[Sun Seeker]

When you noticed Messenger was open why did you not just ask 'Hey did you look at my phone?'

Instead you say nothing and now are coming up with crazy ideas in your head?

Makes no sense.

[Vitaminka]

40 minutes ago, Punterxx said:

When you noticed Messenger was open why did you not just ask 'Hey did you look at my phone?'

Instead you say nothing and now are coming up with crazy ideas in your head?

Makes no sense.

I know, thinking about it, you are right, it makes no sense.

[ExpatInItaly]

You mention a couple times that he gave you funny looks. 

Had you not now suspected that he'd gone through your phone, would you have even noticed these "funny" looks? It sounds to me like you're projecting and reading the situation differently in retrospect. You are worried he doesn't trust you, perhaps, but actually it sounds more like you don't trust him. 

If you two have never had any issues here, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt on this one. However, if you start noticing similar things in the future, it will be time for a conversation.

[Caauug]

8 hours ago, Vitaminka said:

Don't like snooping, never done so,

Maybe it's time to set up or clear up some boundaries? You don't snoop, you don't like snooping, you don't like him snooping on you.... Tell him to butt out of your personal property and don't snoop on you... You have done nothing wrong and given him no reason to snoop. It's better to clear up the boundaries now than try to do it after you are married.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Vitaminka said:

Hi to all Loveshack  users!

I need your help!

My fiance and I been together for almost 6 years. Relatively normal relationship, no fights, etc... No crazy exes on either side, no jealousy issues. I am not the type of a person who flirts with other guys or cheats. 

We went on a trip out of town last Friday and came back yesterday. As he was driving back to the city, I was sitting right next to him texting my mother. I was telling her that we are going to be home soon. I saw that he looked at me kind of funny, kind of like a question mark look, maybe a little smirky, but he never said anything. Anyhow, I asked him to stop at a gas station because I had to use a restroom. He suggested that I leave my purse and my cellphone at the car, stating that it would be not very comfortable to carry lots of things into the restroom. I agreed and left them inside. He gave me my cell and my purse back when I came back to the car. He gave me a funny look again but I though that I am just imagining things since everything was very normal between us. 

I looked at my cell and saw that my messenger was open. I remember distinctly that I closed it. My phone is not password proofed since I don't have anything to hide and that I don't do much with it rather than phoning and texting. 

I don't know what to think. I am still in shock since yesterday trying to proses him snooping through my phone. I have no clue, maybe he went into my phone before. I never looked into him since I do trust him. Maybe he has something to hide and suspects me of the same? I never gave him any reason not to trust me. He could've asked me who I was texting instead of sneaking.

 I haven't said anything and am trying to act normal. Do I say anything? And if so, what do I say? 

What do I do:

1. Do I say nothing, go on and pretend it never happened.

2. Say that I know that he snooped. Ask him why he doesn't trust me. Tell him that I am offended that he doesn't trust me enough. And then what? 

3.Say nothing and quietly observe his behavior. Maybe also go into his phone and/or e-mail to see if he is hiding anything from me. Don't like snooping, never done so, but that would tell me if he is hiding anything from me.

4. Something else????

He never displayed  a controlling or a possessive behavior. I don't talk to any of my exes but have a few guy friends. He seem fine with them, or I believe that he is. Never threw me a jealousy fit. I thought that our relationship was build on the trust, but I was obviously wrong.

P.S. My mom told me not to say anything to him. Told me not to rock a boat. Don't know if I agree with her per se.

 

 

#1 Change all the passwords on all your accounts and devices.

Do you live together?

Why would you go along with giving him your purse? 

Ask him point blank why he went through your phone.

It seems like you are the suspicious one.

Are you being forced to marry? It seems like there are huge issues being swept under the rug for that purpose, encouraged by your mother.

Do you live at home? What's her stake in pushing you into a problematic relationship?

[Blind-Sided]

First and foremost...  YOU ARE MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF SOMTHING YOU THINK MAY HAVE HAPPEND !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is just silly. 

1) You may think you closed messenger... but maybe when you swiped... you didn't push it all the way, and it' bounced back. 

2) Maybe you just think you remember closing it? (let's face it, we all open and close apps SO often, can't remember them all) 

3) Maybe (as already said) he picked it up to move it, or to simply check the time, and things opened.

4) You have been together for 6 years, and you don't have a lock on your phone.  To me... that's an invite to look whenever he wants.

5) He may have looked just because he was bored and picked it up....... just because.  (for no real reason) 

Anyway... don't be mad.  Just ask if he looked, and why?   But then again... you do have an unlocked phone, and left it in the car.

Edited June 2, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[central]

What are you hiding from him, that makes you so concerned that he MAY have touched your phone?  There really shouldn't be an issue here, as other posters have said.  That it freaks you out makes me wonder what's really going on, since there doesn't seem to be any other issues with him. 

[Ami1uwant]

Here is a story from my time with my ex wife

 

we had a desktop and laptop.

 

we had different user sides but no password.

 

one time I went to use the lap top and saw stuff jacked on my side where things weren’t working right. I go on to hers and it’s now password protected

 

that’s a red flag...it was.

[smackie9]

Put in a PW/ lock your phone and see what happens.

[Gaeta]

I may be too trusting but after 6 years together I would not care my SO takes my phone to use the Internet to check something. He could check my msn all he wants and bore himself reading my family group conversations. My brother and his wife use each other's phone all the time, sometimes I think I'm talking to my brother and I'm actually talking to his wife. 

[mark clemson]

I think you should be able to ask the question of did he look and have a conversation about this and what the "phone boundaries" should be in your relationship/future marriage. Turn the "problem" into an opportunity to have an important discussion. If you are to be married, you will sooner or later need to have some "difficult" conversations, so no point in getting used to the practice of rugsweeping stuff.

I think ultimately, one should be able to ask to OPENLY look through one's partner's phone, especially if married. You are legally and financially tied to this person - if they really have a huge problem with you openly looking through their phone it begs the question of what are they hiding. Of course this may require that you and they self-moderate a bit e.g. in complaining to your friends and families about minor issues such as leaving the toilet seat up or not, etc.

Edited June 2, 2021 by mark clemson

[Alfano]

Set him up again.

Be sure your apps are closed, or better yet leave a few open but know which ones, and leave him alone with your phone, leting him know you'll be away from it for at least 10 minutes or whatever.

Then give it a good looking over when you get back.

 

[BeanCounter]

Honestly, I'd just confront him about it and talk about it. Tell him you feel like he might have been snooping through your phone, tell him you have nothing to hide and that if he wants to just look through it give it to him to look through (if you truly have nothing to hide).

I don't know, 6 years into a relationship, I think I would just want to be able to communicate with my partner how I was feeling and get it out in the open.

[smackie9]

Openly looking through ones phone or otherwise is an invasion of privacy and trust IMO. Sure me and my hubby both can look, but we don't. Hubby even refuses to go into my purse if I tell him to grab something out of it.

Edited June 2, 2021 by smackie9

[mark clemson]

^^ well, @smackie9 I think it's ultimately up to each couple to figure out where they stand on this. I DEFINITELY agree that you shouldn't feel a need to do this very often - that would certainly indicate trust issues (or possibly other problems).

My sense is that if I'm responsible for a person's well being and they have the ability to do things that have a major impact on me (us) financially, such as take out a large bank loan for which I'm 50% responsible, I want the ability to, occasionally, check to ensure they aren't screwing up majorly. But yeah it's like I have implied permission to do this and therefore, (in a way ironically) I shouldn't actually feel a need to do it.

So definitely a balance there. And in fact I have never actually asked to view my wife's texts, nor has she asked to view mine.

[smackie9]

15 hours ago, mark clemson said:

^^ well, @smackie9 I think it's ultimately up to each couple to figure out where they stand on this. I DEFINITELY agree that you shouldn't feel a need to do this very often - that would certainly indicate trust issues (or possibly other problems).

My sense is that if I'm responsible for a person's well being and they have the ability to do things that have a major impact on me (us) financially, such as take out a large bank loan for which I'm 50% responsible, I want the ability to, occasionally, check to ensure they aren't screwing up majorly. But yeah it's like I have implied permission to do this and therefore, (in a way ironically) I shouldn't actually feel a need to do it.

So definitely a balance there. And in fact I have never actually asked to view my wife's texts, nor has she asked to view mine.

I have complete control over the finances so there is no need to do any viewing. We don't share bank accounts, he just hands over me money every month. If he runs up a dept that's on him. So I understand you need, but I have no need to touch his phone, or look at his emails, etc.

Edited June 3, 2021 by smackie9

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I have complete control over the finances so there is no need to do any viewing.

Then he should be doing the viewing lol