Dumbfounded

[TaintedLuv]

I apologize in advance as this is rather long!  Ironically enough, my last thread was posted a year ago about this same guy.  I should've listened to the warnings. 

I recently ended a fourteen month relationship with a man that I thought I was going to marry but instead, it ended in a blaze of glory but it leaves me terribly confused. 

While I'm familiar with love bombing, I didn't think this is what he was doing.  He came on a bit strong in the beginning but I was happy for a time until the issues trickled in. 

Initially, I had an issue with him wanting to maintain a close relationship with his ex but that was resolved.  Unfortunately, the common theme of our relationship was always other women.  He was posting compliments or liking his female friends' selfies constantly which I found disrespectful.  If they're just your friends, why aren't you liking their cat pix or their dinner last night? 

I recall him telling me that his last relationship partially ended because she always thought he was cheating and it ruined their physical relationship.  Every few months, some woman's name would pop up on his phone at odd hours.  Along with that, he stopped doting on me as he once did, he stopped bringing up our future and things seemingly dwindled and I became unhappy but I stayed because he would tell me he wanted to be with me and if he didn't, he would've ended it.  He hadn't touched me in maybe four or five months and I made excuses for him due to being in and out surgeries. 

A few weeks ago, some woman texted him again at odd hours in the morning, asking "what are you doing?" at 2 am.  He claimed he had no idea who it was but got pissed and left.  We were supposed to spend the day together but I never heard back from him that day which was unlike him.  Frustrated, I packed his things and drove an hour to his place to drop everything off.  He said nothing as I packed my things and he let me leave. 

A couple of days later, he called me asking to talk in person as he wanted to reconcile but he was mysteriously unavailable any time I suggested.  At this rate, I was beyond upset and angry.  If he really cared as much as he claimed, why wait an entire week in limbo? 

He came by on a Friday but he discussed nothing of any real substance other than the distance was bothering him and he had to leave early for no reason other than wanting to go to sleep early but it was four pm?? 

Anyway, he suggested that we restart and spend some time together doing things and seeing how it goes from there.  We spent the day together that following Sunday and watched a movie when we were supposed to have another talk about us that afternoon.  Again, nothing meaningful was said on his part.  He continued to text and call me every morning, "I love you, I miss you, etc" through out the days.  We spent the following Sunday together but I noticed that he kept locking his phone anytime he walked away from it.  I started getting a bad feeling but I don't know his passcode.  At the end of the day, he stopped to grab us drinks and left the phone in the car- unlocked. 

To my surprise, there were a bunch of women on "do not disturb".  I went through the messages and to my horror, he was sleeping with someone else already and talking about having a baby if it worked out and how amazing and beautiful she is and how much he missed her, etc.  When he got back in the car, I confronted him and he lied straight to my face. 

He justified it by saying I "dumped him" so he had no choice but we were basically back together and working things out within a few days.  He was still sitting there saying ILY and how he wanted to give me the key to his place again.  He supposedly he met her at a bar and they only kissed but I called her and she told me he was on a dating app, they slept together, he met her kid and friends and he was bringing her lunch during the week.  She said he mentioned his ex before me but downplayed me and I was just some woman that didn't want kids that lived far.  They had met the week of our pseudo breakup so when he didn't have time to come talk, he was actually meeting her for the first time. 

I'm so shocked at this behavior.  Everyone is saying he's just a narcissist and he really didn't care about me but how can someone be this fake?  I sent him an email after speaking with her since I blocked him and he blamed me for everything.  He said he knew it was never going to work out because I bought a home an hour away from him when I could've moved closer and that was it.

I purchased a home NINE MONTHS ago!  Why would I move to another state for someone I was only dating a few months without any long term commitment? 

I'm just torn up over the entire situation.  Why lead me on for almost a year?  If we broke up, why try to reconcile while seeing other people and selling another fairytale to this other woman?  In the end, he was pissed that the new woman stopped speaking to him and I basically meant nothing a year later.  He simply said "you're an amazing woman, good luck". 

I don't know how to help myself move forward.  I'm so hurt and I feel so stupid for believing anything he ever said to me. 

Edited June 1, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Wall of text

[Ami1uwant]

Heard of paragraphs?

 

the big issue is you buying a house.  There have bern other threads on this topic.

 

you buying it on your own not involving him says I’m doing what I want and you aren’t important to me. He checked out.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, TaintedLuv said:

I don't know how to help myself move forward.  I'm so hurt and I feel so stupid for believing anything he ever said to me. 

Sorry this happened. Good you found out the extent of his creepiness . 

Delete and block him and all his people from all your messaging apps and social media.

It's reflection of him, not you what a weirdo he turned out to be. 

Run

[TaintedLuv]

2 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

the big issue is you buying a house.  There have bern other threads on this topic.

 

you buying it on your own not involving him says I’m doing what I want and you aren’t important to me. He checked out.

Why would I make a decision based on a two month relationship at the time?  Further, why stay with me another ten months then?  I felt something was off when I went into contract but one of the first things I said was “this can be a rental property down the line”.  I never said I had to stay there forever. When we first met, he said he could live and work anywhere and was sending me homes local to me. 
 

He also had an issue with my place in the city and complained about parking etc so clearly I couldn’t win either way. If I stayed in the city, that would’ve eventually “worn on” him too.

Edited June 2, 2021 by TaintedLuv

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, TaintedLuv said:

Initially, I had an issue with him wanting to maintain a close relationship with his ex but that was resolved.  Unfortunately, the common theme of our relationship was always other women. 

I am assuming your relationship was exclusive and monogamous? 

If so, then all you can do is learn from this and next time you're exclusive boyfriend wishes to maintain a close relationship with his ex AND involves her and other women in your relationship, walk away.

Don't hang around for 14 months waiting for exactly what happened to happen.

And for the love of *, don't feel you need to defend your decision to purchase a home, at the time you were only dating him two months for goodness sakes.

Him using that as a reason to justify dumping you was "blame shifting" which is when you confront someone (a significant other or spouse) on something they did or you attempt to set boundaries, they switch the whole focus back to you, thus making it your fault and putting you on the defensive.

It's manipulative and crazy-making, do not allow him or any man to do that to you, be stronger and smarter than that.

That said, I am very sorry this happened, hugs and hope you feel better soon.

Time heals and I speak from experience when saying that!  xo

Edited June 2, 2021 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, TaintedLuv said:

A few weeks ago, some woman texted him again at odd hours in the morning, asking "what are you doing?" at 2 am.  He claimed he had no idea who it was but got pissed and left.  We were supposed to spend the day together but I never heard back from him that day which was unlike him.

He went to see her. I'm sure you figured that out right then and there. 

 

8 hours ago, TaintedLuv said:

If he really cared as much as he claimed, why wait an entire week in limbo? 

Because he was with another woman, as you know now. And also? He doesn't care as much as he claims. 

 

8 hours ago, TaintedLuv said:

but how can someone be this fake?

Was he even really faking it, though? Or were you just trying to minimize and ignore all the red flags along the way? You said the common theme of your relationship has been issues with other women.  You might not have known he'd been physcially cheating on you, but you most certainly have known nearly from the beginning that he keeps other women in his orbit. He definitely hid the goriest details from you but he was never really Mr. Wonderful, by your description. 

It sounds as though you have not really wanted to face the truth about this man for a long time now. But your gut appears to have been warning you that he's shady with other women. Now there is no more denying or minimizing or sweet words to try make up for it. I am not at all suggesting that you deserve any of this, to be clear. But you need to heed your instincts next time and stay away from men who show you early on that they engage with other women inappropriately. That way it won't come as such a shock when they turn out to be the scumbag you feared they were, and you will be long gone by then anyway. 

Edited June 2, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[TaintedLuv]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He went to see her. I'm sure you figured that out right then and there. 

 

Because he was with another woman, as you know now. And also? He doesn't care as much as he claims. 

 

Was he even really faking it, though? Or were you just trying to minimize and ignore all the red flags along the way? You said the common theme of your relationship has been issues with other women.  You might not have known he'd been physcially cheating on you, but you most certainly have known nearly from the beginning that he keeps other women in his orbit. He definitely hid the goriest details from you but he was never really Mr. Wonderful, by your description. 

It sounds as though you have not really wanted to face the truth about this man for a long time now. But your gut appears to have been warning you that he's shady with other women. Now there is no more denying or minimizing or sweet words to try make up for it. I am not at all suggesting that you deserve any of this, to be clear. But you need to heed your instincts next time and stay away from men who show you early on that they engage with other women inappropriately. That way it won't come as such a shock when they turn out to be the scumbag you feared they were, and you will be long gone by then anyway. 

Well anytime I asked, he just said it was a “friend”. He’s an RN so obviously he’s around women all the time. I didn’t think he was cheating. I just figured he was seeking attention elsewhere towards the end but I never imagined to this extent.  He did nice things and always said he loved me. I guess I just hoped things would get back to how they were in the beginning but little did I know his intentions changed. I will have to work on cutting people and setting stronger boundaries.

Edited June 2, 2021 by TaintedLuv

[smackie9]

Narcissists and psychopaths don't think the way we do. They lack empathy which gives them the ability to do bad things to people and not feel any responsibility for it. Everything they do is for them, and their self gain. They are charmers, con artists, that's why they seem undetectable. They seek out the vulnerable and weak, and use that to weave their web. Love bombing is just one of the tools they use to manipulate. Mirroring is another. Saying what you want to hear is use to build trust. It's that trust they use against you. Your head is turned the other way then, and they go about their deceitful business.

[lurker74]

I mean, there are a ton of psychological issues that could be addressed here, more on his side than yours (but some on yours as well). But I think it can be summarized with one statement:

He is a piece of sh!!t.

I am sorry that you fell victim to his vanity.

[TaintedLuv]

6 minutes ago, lurker74 said:

I mean, there are a ton of psychological issues that could be addressed here, more on his side than yours (but some on yours as well). But I think it can be summarized with one statement:

He is a piece of sh!!t.

I am sorry that you fell victim to his vanity.

Care to elaborate on that?  I’m always trying to better myself and I know it takes two people to make a relationship work.  In hindsight, I definitely didn’t have enough self worth to stand by my boundaries and allowed this to go on for as long as it did because I thought I was loved. 

Edited June 2, 2021 by TaintedLuv

[Pumpernickel]

30 minutes ago, TaintedLuv said:

I definitely didn’t have enough self worth to stand by my boundaries and allowed this to go on for as long as it did because I thought I was loved. 

Exactly. And let me tell you it's not you fault. For him it was easy to get all his needs met, incl. attention from other women, because you were somewhat long-distance. That's how he justified his double life, and every time you questioned his opposite-sex "friendships", he chose to gaslight you and blameshift. It is NOT your fault that he decided to lie and cheat, and it is NOT because you purchased a home in a location he didn't approve of. That's utterly ludicrous & it is just his excuse for cheating, obviously.

The reality is that if you HAD moved closer to his home town, he would have STILL found a way to go behind your back, pursue other women one way or another, and put them on "do not disturb" while you're around. And he would've STILL found a reason to blame you. And once confronted, he would've told you that "where there's no trust there's no relationship", so he needs to break up with you (unless you drop "your trust issues").

You can't win with these guys. I am glad you learned your lesson before you got married. 

Oh and the love-bombing in the beginning? He's one of those who need success quickly, land a woman quickly, so he puts maximum effort in in the beginning. There's something wrong with guys like that; they have an inner void to fill, a conflict, & need to process something else that they won't process, but rather camouflage the (often childhood) issue instead of addressing it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, TaintedLuv said:

Well anytime I asked, he just said it was a “friend”.

Of course he did. 

But you have to watch the behaviour and not just take things at face value. Your gut was trying to warn you that something wasn't right. Otherwise, other women wouldn't have been a theme throughout your relationship.