Would you date someone with genital herpes?

[Calmandfocused]

Yes I would! 
 

Herpes is basically a cold sore. Same disease, different location. 
 

Cold sores are not a big deal IMO. There’s plenty of other things to worry about... 
 

For the posters who say they wouldn’t date someone with genital herpes, would you date/ kiss someone who gets cold sores outbreaks on their face? Just a thought. 

Edited June 2, 2021 by Calmandfocused

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, Jorjax said:

I don’t have hsv1 or 2 so far. I got tested not long ago because my long term bf had oral herpes, but I never got it from him. I got tested after our breakup because I didn’t want to put anyone at risk either. We just avoided kissing and oral sex anytime he had an outbreak, and he wasn’t on any anti-virals. 

This new guy is definitely responsible and he also told me the risk is never zero and I’ve to make that decision if I’m willing to take it or not. 
do you no longer have any outbreaks? Or did you ever have any? You said silent carrier so I wonder. 

In women it's common we carry the virus without ever having an outbreak. They say stress is a big factor in getting an outbreak, well I got plenty of stress from work, death of people close to me, seperation, and never got an outbreak. My doctor said often in women the first outbreak can look like an ingrown hair, it's easy to not be aware of your first outbreak,  that's what happenned to me. He said he's gonna test me for hsv but he's sure at 99% it's not that....well surprise!

In the wonderful world of hsv there is what we call the 'point of entry'. This is the very first spot where you felt the outbreak start. That 'point of entry' is where he'll be contagious, if at some point he is contagious. If that part is covered by a condom than your 2% chance of contracting it goes down even further.

When I got my result  my friend went to get tested as a way to support me. She came back positive for both type. She never even felt a tingle. 

[Gaeta]

16 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Not just the men, women are having unprotected sex also at an alarming rate. 

Yes absolutely. There is an alarming rise in all STI right now even syphilis who was almost eradiated is doing a big come back. 

[Jorjax]

21 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

In women it's common we carry the virus without ever having an outbreak. They say stress is a big factor in getting an outbreak, well I got plenty of stress from work, death of people close to me, seperation, and never got an outbreak. My doctor said often in women the first outbreak can look like an ingrown hair, it's easy to not be aware of your first outbreak,  that's what happenned to me. He said he's gonna test me for hsv but he's sure at 99% it's not that....well surprise!

In the wonderful world of hsv there is what we call the 'point of entry'. This is the very first spot where you felt the outbreak start. That 'point of entry' is where he'll be contagious, if at some point he is contagious. If that part is covered by a condom than your 2% chance of contracting it goes down even further.

When I got my result  my friend went to get tested as a way to support me. She came back positive for both type. She never even felt a tingle. 

Wow that is so informative! I didn’t know about the point of entry thing. Makes a lot of sense. I’m not sure where his outbreaks manifest cause I’m not sure we are there yet.. kinda embarrassing to ask him about his bits but unless they’re on his testes the condom should be very effective. 
 

it’s funny you said that the doctor said no way, something similar happened to my friend. Her doctor told her she’s sure it’s just a uti or something. 
 

viral shedding is something to be aware of too, that asymptotic people have about 30 days out of the year that they’re contagious without ever having an outbreak. 
 

totally agree with so many men skipping the condom altogether. I know a friend who was bragging to me about that recently with a one night stand and I was like... that’s just not smart. I don’t enjoy condoms either, but those 13 minutes of disappointment arent worth the risk to me 

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, Jorjax said:

viral shedding is something to be aware of too, that asymptotic people have about 30 days out of the year that they’re contagious without ever having an outbreak. 

Viral shedding is different if you have an active virus or dormant one. In active virus it happens mostly right before an outbreak and after. People usually can feel it coming. In assymptomatic people it happens 2 or 3 times a year and we have no clue when. Also, people with hsv-2 are at higher risk if exposed to HIV. Avoid needle users at all cost.

Edited June 2, 2021 by Gaeta

[Jorjax]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Viral shedding is different if you have an active virus or dormant one. In active virus it happens mostly right before an outbreak and after. People usually can feel it coming. In assymptomatic people it happens 2 or 3 times a year and we have no clue when. Also, people with hsv-2 are at higher risk if exposed to HIV. Avoid needle users at all cost.

Do you mean if the virus is active, there’s no viral shedding aside from right before and after? 

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Jorjax said:

Do you mean if the virus is active, there’s no viral shedding aside from right before and after? 

No no, sorry if I made it sound like that. 

Subclinical HSV shedding occurred on 26.2% of days among participants <1 year, 13.1% in those 1–9 years, and 9.3% in those ≥10 years from first episode. 

Your guy had it for 10 years, he's in the lower % and that's not considering the anti-viral he's taking which takes down the risk during shedding to 2 or 3% + condoms + he's a responsible man who would let you know if he feels a bit different down there and avoid sex for a few days.

[BeanCounter]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

The way I see it, the chances of getting it are higher if you have sex with men who don't care enough about their sexual health to get regular check up. The amount of men having unprotected sex is mind blowing!!

I remember once telling a man and his reaction was OH I got that once and I said what do you mean you got that once? and he said ya I got it, and I don't have it anymore. Those idiots are everywhere. 

Wouldn't there need to be a near equal number of women having unprotected sex 

As to the OP, I think I'd have to think about it a long while. If everything else is literally fantastic, I'd probably consider it, especially if you're in your 40's. 

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, BeanCounter said:

Wouldn't there need to be a near equal number of women having unprotected sex 

As to the OP, I think I'd have to think about it a long while. If everything else is literally fantastic, I'd probably consider it, especially if you're in your 40's. 

True but once in bed it's usually the man that suggests to not use condoms, right? 

OP, you don't have to have sex right away. Just get to know him for a while. 

[BeanCounter]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

True but once in bed it's usually the man that suggests to not use condoms, right? 

OP, you don't have to have sex right away. Just get to know him for a while. 

Not in my experience. Most of the times it's happened for me, I've suggest it and gotten a reply like "not unless you have a reason to use one." Could just be a small sample size though 

 

I think the bold is the best advice yet. Just wait to take it to that level until you're sure you like him as much as you think you do on the first date.

[Jorjax]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

No no, sorry if I made it sound like that. 

Subclinical HSV shedding occurred on 26.2% of days among participants <1 year, 13.1% in those 1–9 years, and 9.3% in those ≥10 years from first episode. 

Your guy had it for 10 years, he's in the lower % and that's not considering the anti-viral he's taking which takes down the risk during shedding to 2 or 3% + condoms + he's a responsible man who would let you know if he feels a bit different down there and avoid sex for a few days.

Oh okay yeah that makes lots of sense! You really know your stuff. I haven’t been able to find that much information online at once. Thank you so much. 
 

hes not in a hurry to have sex either so that’s good. 

[Jorjax]

3 hours ago, BeanCounter said:

Wouldn't there need to be a near equal number of women having unprotected sex 

As to the OP, I think I'd have to think about it a long while. If everything else is literally fantastic, I'd probably consider it, especially if you're in your 40's. 

I’m 33 and he’s 44. Definitely the biggest age difference I’ve ever encountered. 
 

and I’ll have completely disagree about the condom thing. You can even look on Reddit which I’m on a lot, you’ll read a ton of stories about women kicking men out when they refuse to use one. it’s almost always the woman who insists on using condoms. 

[Donnas]

There is meds out there. But you still can get it again like it can come back...not?

Talk to your doctor. And very nice he was honest.So be respectful also with your answer.A simple no without bashing gossipin about him .

[Gaeta]

34 minutes ago, Donnas said:

There is meds out there. But you still can get it again like it can come back...not?

It's a virus you have forever.  You can get outbreaks a few times a year or never,  but you still carry the virus within you. There is no cure, just medicine to control it.

In Nov 2020 they spoke of a promissing vaccine in trial on animals but we're looking at another 3-5 years before trial on human. 

[MsJayne]

8 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I would like to add, this man is very honest and you have to appreciate that. There are no laws, not in Canada anyway, that forces people to disclose they have hsv. It is asked of us to do so out of moral but let me tell you, a lot of positive people (about half) out there don't disclose it and there is nothing you can do about it. 

I have a close girlfriend who has it and she doesn't tell potential partners. She says that it can only be transmitted if it's active and she avoids sex if she has an outbreak, and that's why she doesn't think she has to mention it. Regardless I've always thought she was doing the wrong thing by not telling partners, especially given that she was quite promiscuous when she was younger.  I agree the OP's guy is being very decent by disclosing and giving her the choice. 

[Donnas]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

It's a virus you have forever.  You can get outbreaks a few times a year or never,  but you still carry the virus within you. There is no cure, just medicine to control it.

In Nov 2020 they spoke of a promissing vaccine in trial on animals but we're looking at another 3-5 years before trial on human. 

i already said that.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Jorjax said:

 Reddit which I’m on a lot,

Why not ask your doctor for more accurate information?

You do realize there's plenty of men out there to date,  no?

Be well informed. Try not to go by emotional stories and anecdotes.

https://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/default.htm

Edited June 3, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You do realize there's plenty of men out there to date,  no?

With that type of thinking my life would have been over at 45.

1 woman out of 3 means probably someone you love like your sister, your friend, cousin, live with this secret. I'm sure you don't wish their romantic life be over because they can get a pimple down there once in a while.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

I'm assuming each one of you who answered no always insists a new partner get a full health screening before any intimacy, including kissing. 

If not, then chances are good that you've already been with someone with the virus, or you have it yourself already and just don't know it.

Also, many places will not include HSV 1 or 2 testing in STD checkups, unless specifically asked to do so. Why? Because the stigma and social isolation is far, far worse than the actual virus.

If you think someone is going to become a hermit for the rest of their lives because of an occasional, annoying skin rash that lasts a few days, then you are mistaken. Right or wrong, people will be people and it's human nature to seek out relationships and affection. 

[Jorjax]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not ask your doctor for more accurate information?

You do realize there's plenty of men out there to date,  no?

Be well informed. Try not to go by emotional stories and anecdotes.

https://www.cdc.gov/std/herpes/default.htm

I didn’t say I’m on Reddit for herpes advice you know  

I do realize that. But they could have it and not know (or worse not tell me) and not be on meds like him or as careful as him. 

Edited June 3, 2021 by Jorjax

[stillafool]

22 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

For the posters who say they wouldn’t date someone with genital herpes, would you date/ kiss someone who gets cold sores outbreaks on their face? Just a thought. 

I wouldn't.

[Allupinnit]

I dated a man who told me all about his HSV2 up front.  I have HSV1.  He was one of the best I'd ever had (physically).  I still don't have HSV2.  He was on a daily anti-viral.  I've actually considered doing the same for cold sores, but I MAYBE get one a year nowadays.

I wouldn't stop dating someone with herpes.  I'd be more concerned about poor financial management, or a weird r'ship with his mother.

Edited June 3, 2021 by Allupinnit

[SumGuy]

8 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

I'm assuming each one of you who answered no always insists a new partner get a full health screening before any intimacy, including kissing. ...

Gaeta's info on this has caused me to reconsider and very opening to changing my mind/accepting it if ever date again.  If my current GF has it well...she is for me my forever person

I do/did have the conversation about STDs, generally last test, last sex, etc. when dating.  But have to admit in large measure it is trust we are all being honest, but that kind of happens when you are 50+ and date in a circle where people are careful (just for reference we were in our 20s when AIDS arrived so being careful and getting tested kind of ingrained in us since then).

[Jorjax]

Update: 

I think I’m going for it you guys. Life is short and happiness IF we can even find it is fleeting, I’m not letting a stupid non living virus stop me! I’m top of the food chain! So I’m taking the risk (calculated risk). We’ve kissed and made out and it was the best thing ever. You should feel very jealous

can I take anti-virals to prevent it? I haven’t seen any info on that if it’s even an option? 
 

if you have herpes I’m so sorry about the stigma, none of this is fair and no one deserves it. You’re all so brave for still choosing to disclose it when it’s so easy to lie. I applaud you.

[basil67]

@Jorjax Sounds like a good plan.  Now that you're looking at getting medical advice, I'd advise that you go to your primary care physician.  Or a women's health/sexual health clinic.  Or even go to his doctor with him.   Given how much you like each other and that he seems like a decent person, I'm sure he'd support you in educating yourself.