I'm tired of being the one who makes any effort on OLD

[cleverusername]

Positivity breeds positivity. You want positive energy in your life, you have to put it out into the world.

[SumGuy]

5 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Her behavior?  Seriously?  She said, "Okay???" and that warrants you to lash out in an accusatory manner!?  She didn't really have a response other than the above.  And, although potentially flippant, it's a response which you just ignore because it's meaningless.  I just can't understand why you'd get so mad.

Misogyny?  Will say I bet a lot of women understand this anger (or have experienced this)...this is exactly the kind of toxicity they avoid.

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I agree that if she really wanted to, she could have asked you about the game you mentioned in reponse.   But, guess what?  It's a free country and she owes you nothing.  If you didn't pique her interest levels enough, why is that her problem?

Because, misogyny?   

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This is utterly ridiculous.  Stop swallowing red pill crap.  Both sexes have their own societal struggles.  Both have their own issues they must contend with in life and in the dating world... And, that is why you need to get off OLD until you can manage your anger and sense of entitlement.

Agreed.  Again, misogyny...the desire for women is only the desire to meet physical needs, i.e., sex.   Red pill and misogyny don't have empathy for others so doesn't give a crap about the struggles of others (if it even will acknowledge they exist); it loathes women when they don't behave (that is serve) and loathes itself that it needs women.   Deep down the dissonance can't be quelled so it continually seeks validation in its vile views.

I really don't think this will go much better in real life, just the societal pressure to not be an a**hat in public will only delay the inevitable.

[Redguitar35]

10 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Positivity breeds positivity. You want positive energy in your life, you have to put it out into the world.

Tell that to the woman in this conversation. Her replying with three question marks was extremely passive aggressive and condescending. 

[Weezy1973]

9 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

Nobody likes to feel like someone is just looking through them, and I think a lot of guys feel like they get that treatment from women on online dating. 

And this makes sense if it’s someone you know well, a girlfriend, a close friend, a wife etc. But these are strangers. Who cares how they look at you? You’re not (or at least you shouldn’t be) invested at all. Your emotional reaction to these things is much more concerning than a random OLD text conversation.

[Redguitar35]

3 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

And this makes sense if it’s someone you know well, a girlfriend, a close friend, a wife etc. But these are strangers. Who cares how they look at you? You’re not (or at least you shouldn’t be) invested at all. Your emotional reaction to these things is much more concerning than a random OLD text conversation.

I think you misunderstand. Her lack of interest wasn’t the issue. It was how she came across: very passive aggressive and not friendly at all. 

[chillii]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm going to say that the question "Hey there. What are you doing with your life these days?" isn't the right opener for someone you've never met.  "These days" imply that there were old days between you.    It's exactly the phrase one could use when reconnecting with someone you haven't seen for three years, but not for someone you've never met.   Instead, you should open with something which makes sense in the context. 

Of course, I completely understand that if someone gives no clues as to their interests on a dating site (nothing in the description and no hints in the photos) it can be hard to kick off conversation in a meaningful way.  But if there's no clues, then there's probably no interests and they are probably dull and you should pass on them.  

Did she have any clues in her profile or photos?   

 

Yeah l thought the same actually . My first thought was that if l was a female and in the very first message he asks that l'd probably be thinking eh buddy , you don't even know me that's none of your business.

 

Edited June 1, 2021 by chillii

[Redguitar36]

12 minutes ago, chillii said:

 

Yeah l thought the same actually . My first thought was that if l was a female and in the very first message he asks that l'd probably be thinking eh buddy , you don't even know me that's none of your business.

 

Then you should not be on OLD where the whole point is to meet and get to know others. 

[Redguitar36]

1 hour ago, cleverusername said:

Positivity breeds positivity. You want positive energy in your life, you have to put it out into the world.

This should be directed at the woman in question. Her saying "and" followed by three question marks was very passive aggressive. 

Edited June 1, 2021 by Redguitar36

[Redguitar36]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

This.

Not a single person has agreed with your response, OP.  So you can either continue to be invested in your righteousness and remain dateless, OR you can take a good look at how your own behaviors are contributing to your lack of dating success and make changes accordingly.

You don't seem to have a problem with the woman's passive aggression and indifference. This bias on Loveshack.org is so obvious, it is as if women on this forum can do no wrong. 

Edited June 1, 2021 by Redguitar36

[Redguitar36]

7 hours ago, Not So Sad II said:

And you can tell all that from less than 10 comments on an online dating site?  So critical.  It makes me wonder if you actually go on dating sites to cause arguments with people.  Would you go up to someone in real life, demand that they reply and then be rude to them if they didn't say exactly what you wanted them to?

Why do you do online dating if it doesn't work for you?  Plenty of men meet women outside OLD, its not compulsary.

 

Your reply is very biased. You don't find any fault in the woman's lack of effort and passive aggression. Why did she even respond the first time if she was just "meh". 

Edited June 1, 2021 by Redguitar36

[Redguitar36]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

I agree.  With the exception of meeting someone at a gaming expo/fan website, if the first thing I learned about them is that they like first person shooter games, I'd feel 

It is just a game genre, just the like role playing games the woman said she was into. How is that any more controversial than talking politics like she was hinting at. When you're getting to know someone, talking about transgender bathroom bills isn't the first topic that comes to mind. Even this forum considers politics a no-go. I once when on a date with a gal and she wanted to talk politics the whole time. She was exhausting to be around. 

Edited June 1, 2021 by Redguitar36

[TheDarkMiller]

24 minutes ago, Redguitar36 said:

Then you should not be on OLD where the whole point is to meet and get to know others. 

We all agree that OLD is to meet and get to know others, but your question was just really dull to be honest.

You were clearly more invested in her than she was in you just by the fact you called her out on her low effort after only 2 previous messages, as well as posting about it on here

Maybe take a break from OLD if you're going to get invested so quickly in the future

Edited June 1, 2021 by TheDarkMiller

[Redguitar36]

15 minutes ago, TheDarkMiller said:

We all agree that OLD is to meet and get to know others, but your question was just really dull to be honest.

And this justified her passive aggressive "and???"  How’s that any way to respond to any person who’s just trying to make a conversation with you? You don't seem to think she could have handled that in a better way. Again, because you are biased.

Let me tell you, men receive so few messages on OLD, if a woman took the effort to message first, which we know almost never happens, I would make the effort to engage no matter how dull her question was. This actually happened on bumble once, where women are requried to send the first message. I got one from a woman that showed she clearly had no practice initiating and it was awkward. But I appreciated the effort and responded in a respectful manner. This woman we're talking about here did not do that for whatever reason. 

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You were clearly more invested in her than she was in you just by the fact you called her out on her low effort after only 2 previous messages, as well as posting about it on here

Investment isn't the issue, it's really the general rudeness and stand offishness I detect in her responses. But you should be invested in anything in life, otherwise what's the point. 

Edited June 1, 2021 by Redguitar36

[SumGuy]

@Redguitar36 The lens through which you filter things is so biased, like looking and waiting for the littlest thing to feel slight.  You are making a mountain out of a molehill in my view.  Even if she had no interest, like others have said, she doesn't owe you interest...if it is not there, it is not there, the conversation fizzles, so what...there is no blame as she owes you nadda. 

Saying "Okay and ???" is not passive aggressive; it is more like "I have no idea what to say to that, balls in your court."  That your go to is to call it passive aggressive, to demonize it (I guess for some need to feel self righteousness) is more disturbing and telling.  I'm getting this is written communication, to start parsing the number of question marks is just insane.

Edited June 1, 2021 by SumGuy

[Redguitar36]

3 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

@Redguitar36 The lens through which you filter things is so biased, like looking and waiting for the littlest slight.  You are making a mountain out of a molehill in my view.  Even if she had no interest, like others have said, she doesn't owe you interest...if it is not there it is not there the conversation fizzles...there is no blame as she owes you nadda. 

Saying "Okay and ???" is not passive aggressive; it is more like "I have no idea what to say to that, balls in your court."  That your go to is to call it passive aggressive, to demonize it (I guess for some need to feel self righteousness) is more disturbing and telling.  I'm getting this is written communication, to start parsing the number of question marks is just insane.

Nope. You think, "She's a woman, so she can do no wrong with it comes to how she interacts with men online." That is literally what you're saying, and that's definitely a strong bias. I was an English major, two masters degrees, so I can tell you things like ALL CAPS, or ???, are passive aggressive modes of expression. 

Edited June 1, 2021 by Redguitar36

[TheDarkMiller]

3 minutes ago, Redguitar36 said:

Investment isn't the issue. But you should be invested in anything in life, otherwise what's the point. 

There are degrees to being invested, it'snot all or nothing. She was obviously partly invested in you otherwise she wouldn't have matched and replied to messages, but you were just more invested than her, which lead to you needing to call her out. Remember it's impossible to have equal invest 50/50, there will always be one more invested than the other, that's life and all creatures are like that.

 

7 minutes ago, Redguitar36 said:

And this justified her passive aggressive "and???"

You don't seem to think she could have handled that in a better way. Again, it's bias. Let me tell you, men receive so few messages on OLD, if a woman took the effort to message first, which we know almost never happens, I would make the effort to engage no matter how dull her question was. This actually happened on bumble once, where women are requried to send the first message. I got one from a woman that showed she clearly had no practice initiating and it was awkward. But I appreciated the effort and responded in a respectful manner. This woman we're talking about here did not do that for whatever reason. 

Remember that the first message is so important. I've received dull first messages from girls in which I've not replied to, yes it was nice she made the effort to send the first message, but if I'm also having a conversation with another match at the same time which is more engaging, then I probably won't reply to the 'dull message' girl.

The good thing with OLD is you can choose which match to invest in and talk to. If I'm expected to reply to every message I get on OLD, then I better be paid to be part of the customer service team for that dating app. It sucks but the interesting people thrive in OLD, and the less interesting don't. Its harsh but true.

[cleverusername]

44 minutes ago, Redguitar36 said:

This should be directed at the woman in question. Her saying "and" followed by three question marks was very passive aggressive. 

It was, I agree. But that doesn't mean you should let it affect you and change your energy, right? If you were positive before why let some negative woman bring you down? It's her loss, move on.

Stop asking what can I do for these women and start asking what can these women do for me. When you put your value and worth into the opinion of someone else, it brings you down. If she doesn't want to be positive and act passive aggressive, that sucks for her because she missed out on a valuable guy who will keep being positive. Do you understand this change in framing?

[Redguitar36]

1 minute ago, TheDarkMiller said:

There are degrees to being invested, it'snot all or nothing. She was obviously partly invested in you otherwise she wouldn't have matched and replied to messages, but you were just more invested than her, which lead to you needing to call her out. Remember it's impossible to have equal invest 50/50, there will always be one more invested than the other, that's life and all creatures are like that.

 

Remember that the first message is so important. I've received dull first messages from girls in which I've not replied to, yes it was nice she made the effort to send the first message, but if I'm also having a conversation with another match at the same time which is more engaging, then I probably won't reply to the 'dull message' girl.

The good thing with OLD is you can choose which match to invest in and talk to. If I'm expected to reply to every message I get on OLD, then I better be paid to be part of the customer service team for that dating app. It sucks but the interesting people thrive in OLD, and the less interesting don't. Its harsh but true.

You didn't answer the question, though?:

Even if the question wasn't interesting (not like the transgender bathroom bill she wanted to discuss was something one would want to respond to either to be honest) why the rudeness and passive aggressive ??? on her part? Do you think that was necessary?

[elaine567]

This woman is NOT your ex who dumped you at Xmas, 3 years ago, she is just a stranger on a dating site looking for some sort of a connection.
Your response was rude, and your justification  for your actions with this girl are way over the top.
Sort yourself out  ASAP is my advice...
You don't get your youth back, it is up to you to make the most out of every day you have in this life.
No woman wants a bitter and jaded man who is taking  his dissatisfaction with the world, out on random women on OLD...

[TheDarkMiller]

1 minute ago, Redguitar36 said:

You didn't answer the question, though?:

Even if the question wasn't interesting (not like the transgender bathroom bill she wanted to discuss was something one would want to respond to either to be honest) why the rudeness and passive aggressive ??? on her part? Do you think that was necessary?

I totally agree, "Okay???" isn't a reply you want to see but so what, that's life, you're making it a bigger thing than it is, she's a stranger after all. If you're getting hung up on the way a  stranger replied on a OLD site after a few messages then stop putting such importance on these messages, stop caring.

[TheDarkMiller]

15 minutes ago, Redguitar36 said:

Nope. You think, "She's a woman, so she can do no wrong with it comes to how she interacts with men online." That is literally what you're saying, and that's definitely a strong bias. I was an English major, two masters degrees, so I can tell you things like ALL CAPS, or ???, are passive aggressive modes of expression. 

Also no one here has sidelined with this woman because she's a WOMAN. We sidelined with her because she is a PERSON who wasn't feeling the conversation and you took that personally and was rude with her.

When I was first dating my ex, she was curious to see who I was dating before. She couldn't believe the amount of crap messages I was getting from woman, dull "hey", "how is your day". So it happens to everyone, men AND women.

You seen to have a serious attitude towards women which doesn't seem healthy at all. Take a break from dating the opposite sex and work on this attitude you have towards them. And yes before you say it, if you were a woman with a bad attitude towards men, I'd be saying the same thing.

Edited June 1, 2021 by TheDarkMiller

[dramafreezone]

15 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

Don't agree here. Depending on what she said, I could ask her any number of questions based on her answer. If she said working, I could've asked her about her job, what she liked about it etc. 

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If she's barely interested in you (which is going to be the case most often) you don't have the luxury of carrying on this back and forth with OLD.  Your objective is to move this from OLD to real life as soon as possible.    What purpose did that back and forth serve with regard to setting up a date?

 

15 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

My intention wasn't to please or satisfy her, and it never will be. 

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Not please or satisfy, attract.  The point is to attract her.  Get to the point quickly, make your intentions known and don't waste time.

Edited June 1, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Amanda92]

If you like honesty, in my opinion your messages were just boring. Ask people something from their profile and say something about yourself without being asked. Say something fun, something interesting. And don't require that a girl that have 10 matches a day will be excited about you from the first message.

[Redguitar36]

1 hour ago, Amanda92 said:

If you like honesty, in my opinion your messages were just boring. Ask people something from their profile and say something about yourself without being asked. Say something fun, something interesting. And don't require that a girl that have 10 matches a day will be excited about you from the first message.

All introductory small talk is boring in the beginning. That's why you pivot from that pretty quickly, but she got all passive aggressive before that pivot was made. I put the same question to you that I put to @TheDarkMiller: Even if the question wasn't interesting (not like the transgender bathroom bill she wanted to discuss was something one would want to respond to either to be honest) why the rudeness and passive aggressive ??? on her part? Do you think that was necessary? 

Edited June 1, 2021 by Redguitar36

[Redguitar36]

1 hour ago, TheDarkMiller said:

I totally agree, "Okay???" isn't a reply you want to see but 

You are hedging quite a bit here. Was it passive aggressive? @clever username said that it was. You seem unwilling to say so. I assure you the world will not end when you acknowledge a woman could have handled a situation better than she did and that women are open to criticism. You can say that and it doesn't make you a misogynist despite some of the extreme accusations we've seen in this thread. 

Edited June 1, 2021 by Redguitar36