I'm tired of being the one who makes any effort on OLD

[Redguitar35]

Matched with someone and of course I'm the one who initiated the conversation:

ME: "Hey there. What are you doing with your life these days?"

HER: "These days? Binging [x role playing game] and screaming about [x political issue]."

ME: "Ah, I haven't played that one. Most of the ones I like are first persons shooters."

HER: "Okay???"

ME: "You could have asked what I'm doing with my life these days. But I guess that would require some effort lol."

HER: [Unmatched]

Was I at fault? I don't think so. This person was lazy and was making zero effort from the start, probably from lack of interest. I feel like these apps are filled with lazy people who are just swiping with zero intentions. 

Edited May 31, 2021 by Redguitar35

[central]

My rule of thumb is that I give them 3 chances (interactions) to actually have a conversation by asking a meaningful question or giving a meaningful response to a question.  If that doesn't happen, I move on to another prospect.  Some women get a lot of attention and don't give much back except to their top prospects.  I'm not going to even try to compete in that situation.

[Redguitar35]

3 minutes ago, central said:

My rule of thumb is that I give them 3 chances (interactions) to actually have a conversation by asking a meaningful question or giving a meaningful response to a question.  If that doesn't happen, I move on to another prospect.  Some women get a lot of attention and don't give much back except to their top prospects.  I'm not going to even try to compete in that situation.

There were a million places she could've taken that conversation. Maybe asking what I like about first person shooters. Or like I said, asked me what I'm up to these days. She never did. And unfortunately these apps of full of people like this. Heads up ladies: men want to feel like you're actually interested in talking to us too. 

Edited May 31, 2021 by Redguitar35

[balletomane]

You were very rude there. If you're feeling jaded by past experiences, you need to get off dating apps until you can stop interpreting everyone's behaviour in a negative light.

[Redguitar35]

8 minutes ago, balletomane said:

You were very rude there. If you're feeling jaded by past experiences, you need to get off dating apps until you can stop interpreting everyone's behaviour in a negative light.

I told her the freakin truth. She was lazy and condescending from the start. The convo was totally one sided. She couldn't be bothered to even say hey back in her initial reply. I think it's like Central just said, women get so much attention on these apps many of 'em make no effort most of the time. Why should they have to when they have a line of mere mortals begging for crumbs of her time. Sad. 

Edited May 31, 2021 by Redguitar35

[norealusername]

Your response was a little rude but since she wasn't talking anyway, so what. She just wasn't interested from the start, that's just how it is online.

[basil67]

While her response was clumsy, yours was rude.   Getting unmatched was the only outcome which would ever happen after she read it.

Why did you send a rude response instead of just unmatching her yourself?

[Redguitar35]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

While her response was clumsy, yours was rude.   Getting unmatched was the only outcome which would ever happen after she read it.

Why did you send a rude response instead of just unmatching her yourself?

I like to be honest and tell people what I think in every aspect of my life. 

Moving on from this jerk who unmatched though, I wish there was an alternative to meeting people this way. These apps are worse than ever, and I've been on 'em a few years. There are fewer profiles, a huge number of them are fake profiles anyway, and when you do get a match, they turn out to be lazy like this woman. Meanwhile my best friend met his wife at work (they were coworkers) with zero damn effort. And then I get calls from my dad asking why I'm not married yet lol. It's hopeless. 

Edited May 31, 2021 by Redguitar35

[balletomane]

7 minutes ago, Redguitar35 said:

I told what she needed to hear. She was lazy and condescending from the start. The convo was totally one sided. 

I understand that online dating can be frustrating. I didn't like it when I sent a nice thoughtful message and someone who'd swiped right on me didn't even reply. But here's thing: these are strangers who don't actually owe us anything. Maybe they have five other matches they like better, maybe they have a cold and aren't up to chatting, maybe they're texting while cooking - it doesn't matter, they're not obliged to talk, and neither are you. To be honest (and if you didn't want honesty, don't ask questions like "Was I at fault?") your question and response may not have been as interesting and engaging to her as you expected them to be. Some women would really like to chat about first-person shooter games. Others wouldn't. You found one who isn't.

It seems as though at the moment you just want to vent your frustration at not getting anywhere on OLD, and while that's fine, I'd recommend you try not to take it out on random women online, because that isn't going to help your prospects at all. You've decided that this woman is condescending, flooded with attention, and perceiving you as inferior on the basis of a grand total of about eight words. Getting sucked into the habit of judging people like that is an easy way to start sabotaging all your chances, because no one wants a date who comes across as bitter.

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, Redguitar35 said:

I like to be honest and tell people what I think in every aspect of my life. 

And how's that working for you?   

[Redguitar35]

Just now, basil67 said:

And how's that working for you?   

A lot better than bottling it up like Mr Nice Guy. I'd rather not live that way. 

[Redguitar35]

8 minutes ago, balletomane said:

I understand that online dating can be frustrating. I didn't like it when I sent a nice thoughtful message and someone who'd swiped right on me didn't even reply. But here's thing: these are strangers who don't actually owe us anything. Maybe they have five other matches they like better, maybe they have a cold and aren't up to chatting, maybe they're texting while cooking - it doesn't matter, they're not obliged to talk, and neither are you. To be honest (and if you didn't want honesty, don't ask questions like "Was I at fault?") your question and response may not have been as interesting and engaging to her as you expected them to be. Some women would really like to chat about first-person shooter games. Others wouldn't. You found one who isn't.

It seems as though at the moment you just want to vent your frustration at not getting anywhere on OLD, and while that's fine, I'd recommend you try not to take it out on random women online, because that isn't going to help your prospects at all. You've decided that this woman is condescending, flooded with attention, and perceiving you as inferior on the basis of a grand total of about eight words. Getting sucked into the habit of judging people like that is an easy way to start sabotaging all your chances, because no one wants a date who comes across as bitter.

I actually don't think you do understand how frustrating OLD is. Otherwise, you wouldn't be taking this woman's side. The basic mechanics of any conversation is reacting to what they other person said or relating to it in some way. Providing feedback. That is how a connection is formed. I don't know much about the role playing game genre she plays, but I made an effort to relate to it in some way (Ah I like video games too, if you read between the lines). [redacted]

Edited May 31, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
offensive slur

[basil67]

What about being assertive?   Learning how to get your point across in a manner which is conducive to problem solving.  

I fear that having a habit of telling people what you think in a rude manner will leave you with few friends, job prospects and no girlfriends. 

[Redguitar35]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

What about being assertive?   Learning how to get your point across in a manner which is conducive to problem solving.  

I fear that having a habit of telling people what you think in a rude manner will leave you with few friends, job prospects and no girlfriends. 

Or just maybe she'll actually put forth some effort with the next poor dude she matches with. Just maybe she'll take a second to examine how she could've handled the interaction better and make more effort next time. Or she won't. 

[SumGuy]

1 hour ago, Redguitar35 said:

Matched with someone and of course I'm the one who initiated the conversation:

ME: "Hey there. What are you doing with your life these days?"

HER: "These days? Binging [x role playing game] and screaming about [x political issue]."

ME: "Ah, I haven't played that one. Most of the ones I like are first persons shooters."

HER: "Okay???"

ME: "You could have asked what I'm doing with my life these days. But I guess that would require some effort lol."

HER: [Unmatched]

Was I at fault? I don't think so. This person was lazy and was making zero effort from the start, probably from lack of interest. I feel like these apps are filled with lazy people who are just swiping with zero intentions. 

You want an honest answer?  I am assuming so.  Of course you are.  Chiding her / talking down to her because she didn't ask the question you thought best / followed the script you have for her.

In the interest of enlightenment, do you understand why she said "Okay???" ?   I don't know you tone when you said "Ah, I haven't played that one. Most of the ones I like are first persons shooters." but the answer was a conversational dead end....yes you are right it would require her to re-start it.

You asked her a question: "Hey there. What are you doing with your life these days?"

She gave you a answer with lots of possibilities.  "These days? Binging [x role playing game] and screaming about [x political issue]."

You followed up on her answer: "Ah, I haven't played that one..."

Then threw a wet blanket on the topic: "...Most of the ones I like are first persons shooters."

It's as if her answer didn't mean squat, or it went in one ear and out the other, in short you didn't "hear" her.

It's not about trading questions it's about establishing connection.

If you didn't play the RPG so what, ask her about it as it is what she has been doing with her life.  That is like a gimme follow-up.  You could also have mentioned x political issue if you saw eye-to-eye on it.

To me, these are basic conversational skills; which makes me think there are other issues with tone etc. that could make you hard to talk with.  I mean this in the spirit of being constructive.  Conversational skills can be learned and improved with practice.

Through away the script, stop yelling "Cut!" when the actors in the play ad-lib.

[Redguitar35]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

While her response was clumsy, yours was rude.   Getting unmatched was the only outcome which would ever happen after she read it.

Why did you send a rude response instead of just unmatching her yourself?

I disagree with your characterization as rude. I was honest. It's called reciprocal engagement. The convo didn't go anywhere because she wasn't engaged. 

[Redguitar35]

17 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

You want an honest answer?  I am assuming so.  Of course you are.  Chiding her / talking down to her because she didn't ask the question you thought best / followed the script you have for her.

In the interest of enlightenment, do you understand why she said "Okay???" ?   I don't know you tone when you said "Ah, I haven't played that one. Most of the ones I like are first persons shooters." but the answer was a conversational dead end....yes you are right it would require her to re-start it.

You asked her a question: "Hey there. What are you doing with your life these days?"

She gave you a answer with lots of possibilities.  "These days? Binging [x role playing game] and screaming about [x political issue]."

You followed up on her answer: "Ah, I haven't played that one..."

Then threw a wet blanket on the topic: "...Most of the ones I like are first persons shooters."

It's as if her answer didn't mean squat, or it went in one ear and out the other, in short you didn't "hear" her.

It's not about trading questions it's about establishing connection.

If you didn't play the RPG so what, ask her about it as it is what she has been doing with her life.  That is like a gimme follow-up.  You could also have mentioned x political issue if you saw eye-to-eye on it.

To me, these are basic conversational skills; which makes me think there are other issues with tone etc. that could make you hard to talk with.  I mean this in the spirit of being constructive.  Conversational skills can be learned and improved with practice.

Through away the script, stop yelling "Cut!" when the actors in the play ad-lib.

I don't agree with a word you said. You suggest there were flaws in my conversation (totally ignoring all the opportunities she had to pivot from small talk), and then suggest I take the opportunity to talk about politics of all things on a dating app with a stranger which is a horrendous suggestion. Nope, this advice isn't it. 

Edited June 1, 2021 by Redguitar35

[SumGuy]

1 hour ago, Redguitar35 said:

I told her the freakin truth.... 

Your truth, and she heard you loud and clear...

[SumGuy]

1 hour ago, Redguitar35 said:

A lot better than bottling it up like Mr Nice Guy. I'd rather not live that way. 

Of course that is a false dichotomy...there are many, many ways to not be "Mr. Nice Guy" that don't include being "Mr. A**hat"  You are not a snowflake who will melt if you keep your heated words and anger to yourself.   Or a better way to phrase it...Manners Maketh the Man.

[dramafreezone]

2 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

Matched with someone and of course I'm the one who initiated the conversation:

ME: "Hey there. What are you doing with your life these days?"

HER: "These days? Binging [x role playing game] and screaming about [x political issue]."

ME: "Ah, I haven't played that one. Most of the ones I like are first persons shooters."

HER: "Okay???"

ME: "You could have asked what I'm doing with my life these days. But I guess that would require some effort lol."

HER: [Unmatched]

Was I at fault? I don't think so. This person was lazy and was making zero effort from the start, probably from lack of interest. I feel like these apps are filled with lazy people who are just swiping with zero intentions. 

Yeah you were at fault.  What's with the snarky attitude?  Your resentment with the OLD process is showing.  No one wants to deal with your bitterness.

I say to ditch OLD all together, but if you're going to do it, you know what it is.  The average woman on there gets way more matches than she knows what to do with.  It's not laziness, it's just not having to put up with snarky attitude when she has 20 more matches to sift through today.  You had a chance to hook her and you blew it.

[Trail Blazer]

2 hours ago, Redguitar35 said:

Matched with someone and of course I'm the one who initiated the conversation:

ME: "Hey there. What are you doing with your life these days?"

HER: "These days? Binging [x role playing game] and screaming about [x political issue]."

ME: "Ah, I haven't played that one. Most of the ones I like are first persons shooters."

HER: "Okay???"

ME: "You could have asked what I'm doing with my life these days. But I guess that would require some effort lol."

HER: [Unmatched]

Was I at fault? I don't think so. This person was lazy and was making zero effort from the start, probably from lack of interest. I feel like these apps are filled with lazy people who are just swiping with zero intentions. 

You aren't at fault for having to put in the majority of the effort.  It's like that for many guys who use OLD as generally men outnumber women by quite some margin.

You're also not at fault as such for having to initiate conversation as that is the way it goes on almost all dating apps sans Bumble.  However, I did find your opening line a little strange.  "What are you doing with your life these days?" seems a little... sterile.

How did you feel about whatever political issue she was screaming about?  It's best not to engage in political discussion early on, so I do not blame you if you gave that one a wide berth.

As for the gaming convo, as @SumGuy put it, you could have used the game she mentioned as an opportunity to get her to talk more.  In the initial stages, it's best to come across as interested in her more than interested in getting your own two cents across.

The reality of life is that men do the chasing a lot of the time and women do the choosing.  You didn't keep her engaged long enough to develop a connection and for her to take an interest in you.  That's just how it panned out.

As for your final response; it was very rude.  You achieved nothing.  You might think you're telling women like it is, but in reality you're just coming across as aggressive and petulant.  Being unmatched was almost guaranteed.

Edited June 1, 2021 by Trail Blazer

[Redguitar35]

1 minute ago, dramafreezone said:

Yeah you were at fault.  What's with the snarky attitude?  Your resentment with the OLD process is showing.  No one wants to deal with your bitterness.

I say to ditch OLD all together, but if you're going to do it, you know what it is.  The average woman on there gets way more matches than she knows what to do with.  It's not laziness, it's just not having to put up with snarky attitude when she has 20 more matches to sift through today.  You had a chance to hook her and you blew it.

I didn't blow anything. I told her her behavior was absurd and moved on instead of acting like the rest of the guys begging for crumbs of her attention. As for OLD, I'm all but finished with it. As you hinted at, the way these apps are puts MEN at a substantial disadvantage. Women have all the power on these apps, because of men outnumbering them 2-1 or 3-1 on them. I don't know many guys who have anything positive to say about their experiences on OLD. 

[Redguitar35]

3 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

You aren't at fault for having to put in the majority of the effort.  It's like that for many guys who use OLD as generally men outnumber women by quite some margin.

Which totally perverts the whole dynamic. It's impossible to have decent interactions with that kind of gender imbalance, I agree with you there. 

3 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

You're also not at fault as such for your conversarion initiation, however, I did find your opening line a little strange.  What are you doing with your life these days seems a little... sterile.

Don't agree here. Depending on what she said, I could ask her any number of questions based on her answer. If she said working, I could've asked her about her job, what she liked about it etc. 

3 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

How did you feel about whatever political issue she was screaming about?  It's best not to engage in political discussion early on, so I do not blame you if you gave that one a wide berth.

You're correct, I didn't want to go anywhere near politics. I think politics has seeped too much into people's personal lives in this country. 

3 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

As for the gaming convo, as @SumGuy put it, you could have used the game she mentioned as an opportunity to get her to talk more.  In the initial stages, it's best to come across as interested in her more than interested in getting your own two cents across.

The reality of life is that men do the chasing a lot of the time and women do the choosing.  You didn't keep her engaged long enough to develop a connection and for her to take an interest in you.

My intention wasn't to please or satisfy her, and it never will be. 

3 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

Your final response was very rude.  You achieved nothing.  You might think you're telling women like it is, but  in reality you're just coming acrosd as aggressive and petulant.  Being unmatched was almost guaranteed.

I certainly didn't have a good opinion of her based on our conversation. That's all that matters to me. 

[Sun Seeker]

You are a man so off course you need to put in more effort initially, that's just basic.

You appear to have no real idea how to engage with women online - your messages were boring, flat, and the last one was just plain rude.

Instead of taking it so personally, throwing your toys out of the pram like a child, try being gracious even when you don't get the response you want, and simply unmatch/delete them yourself and just move on to the next one without a second thought.

[Redguitar35]

21 minutes ago, Punterxx said:

You are a man so off course you need to put in more effort initially, that's just basic.

You appear to have no real idea how to engage with women online - your messages were boring, flat, and the last one was just plain rude.

Instead of taking it so personally, throwing your toys out of the pram like a child, try being gracious even when you don't get the response you want, and simply unmatch/delete them yourself and just move on to the next one without a second thought.

No.

Like I said, men have needs too. Not just women. They want to feel like they are being engaged with too. They don't want to feel like they are just an option. And this idea that they don't have feelings, emotions or don't have the right to be irritated or to express themselves is unrealistic in my view and totally not the way society should work.