TheDarkMiller Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 Hi all! So in UK last late June I was spending the lockdown at my folks in the countryside. I had to head back into London (where my flat is) to collect a few things I needed for my job (just some folders) and on the train back to my folks I go on Tinder and see who's about. A day later back at my folks I match with a girl who I must have swiped right on while in London collecting my things. We had great chat and texted each day for about two weeks. We then had a virtual date which went well. The next week (start of June) we were still texting and some nights were steamy with lots of sexting, was clear we found each other sexual attractive. We eventually have enough virtual date which also went well. Early August I move back to London and a week later I have a date with the girl. Was just drinks but went really well. Second date was an activity and a few drinks but I started losing interested (we kissed on both dates). A few weeks pass where I'm getting busy with work as the offices were opening up again and I had to do some 6 day shifts so didn't have time really for a third date as Sundays I was knackered so I wasn't seeing the girl. During this time I'm losing more interest in her, we were still texting each day but going back to the chat I remember I was texting less (wasn't my plan). First week of September I called her and told her I thought it wasn't best idea to keep seeing each other. We ended on happy terms but without me doing anything she blocked me on WhatsApp and stopped following me on Instagram (though I still follow her on Instagram). I think the lack of seeing each other (pandemic woes) really killed the attraction for me after a while, there was no escalation that can only come with being with someone in person. For the last 10 months I think about her now and again, if she posts an Instagram I do catch myself smiling. Now I'd love to reach out and catch up with her, see how she's doing these days. She was always a sweet caring girl (the type your parents would love) and for some reason I can't forget about her. I still find her attractive and laugh at all the goofy conservations we had. But I don't want my action of reaching out to potential hurt her or whatever, but as I said, there's a reason she crops up in my brain at the most random of times. What should I do??
introverted1 Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 Unless you see a future with this woman, do nothing. You already had one bite at the apple, lost interest, and went so far as to contact her and let her know you're not interested. What would be your purpose in contacting her now? 2
Ami1uwant Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 Ifyou feel there were qualities you liked in her but work schedule/ Covid made it difficult to date what has changed now? You move back to live closer to her? Youare t doing double shifts? don’t bother unless something has changed
Author TheDarkMiller Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 8 minutes ago, introverted1 said: Unless you see a future with this woman, do nothing. You already had one bite at the apple, lost interest, and went so far as to contact her and let her know you're not interested. What would be your purpose in contacting her now? It's been 10 months since last interacting with her, how can I know if I see a future with her when in the space of two months I only had two in person dates and two video call dates (I don't think video dates even count as a full date). If there wasn't a pandemic then things could have been differently but spending in-person time together twice in two months kinda killed the spark
Author TheDarkMiller Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 4 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: Ifyou feel there were qualities you liked in her but work schedule/ Covid made it difficult to date what has changed now? You move back to live closer to her? Youare t doing double shifts? don’t bother unless something has changed Yeah so my shifts are back to normal 5 days a week and I'm living back in London so it's all been positive change from a logistics POV. I don't fear the rejection, just fear she may feel hurt of I reach out. Guess it's hit and hope
introverted1 Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 1 minute ago, TheDarkMiller said: It's been 10 months since last interacting with her, how can I know if I see a future with her when in the space of two months I only had two in person dates and two video call dates You knew enough that you called her to tell her you didn't think it was a good idea to see each other again. What has changed?
Author TheDarkMiller Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 (edited) 2 minutes ago, Amanda92 said: Why did you lose interest then? I'm someone who when dating loves texting (which was fine) but loves it even more when spending time together in person, and two in-person dates in two months, and not knowing if there would be a third due to having to work 6 days a week, really killed the spark for me. But I'm now back in London and working normal hours. Edited May 31, 2021 by TheDarkMiller Missed info
Author TheDarkMiller Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 1 minute ago, introverted1 said: You knew enough that you called her to tell her you didn't think it was a good idea to see each other again. What has changed? I'm available now to actually have consistent dates as I'm still in London and working normal hours normal days
norealusername Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 Sounds like you weren't really into her before or you would've hung in there. So you'll probably end up repeating the same process. 4
Author TheDarkMiller Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 (edited) 10 minutes ago, norealusername said: Sounds like you weren't really into her before or you would've hung in there. So you'll probably end up repeating the same process. That's a fair point but only having a 1st date and a 2nd date in two months would kill it for anyone early on surely. I probably would have continued to date her if I had the time to but working 6 days a week really drained it out of me to the point where Sundays I would just stay in the house and sleep/rest Edited May 31, 2021 by TheDarkMiller
Not So Sad II Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 I would just tend to assume you were one of those love bombers guys on OLD but wanting sex this time as you didn't get it the last time, and avoid. There obviously are women out there who go for NSA but tbh I don't know any, it was something people did at uni but not once they hit their late twenties (I don't know how old you are). I've also never met another woman who admitted to sexting! That kind of cracks me up - I stopped Tinder, etc because it was full of grim men who wanted to do sex chat and most women I know find it utterly repulsive to do that with complete strangers. So honestly I don't know, I would be thinking she's come to her sense if she blocked you before. How would you contact her now anyway if you've blocked her? 2
Author TheDarkMiller Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 (edited) 19 minutes ago, Not So Sad II said: I would just tend to assume you were one of those love bombers guys on OLD but wanting sex this time as you didn't get it the last time, and avoid. There obviously are women out there who go for NSA but tbh I don't know any, it was something people did at uni but not once they hit their late twenties (I don't know how old you are). I've also never met another woman who admitted to sexting! That kind of cracks me up - I stopped Tinder, etc because it was full of grim men who wanted to do sex chat and most women I know find it utterly repulsive to do that with complete strangers. So honestly I don't know, I would be thinking she's come to her sense if she blocked you before. How would you contact her now anyway if you've blocked her? I'm not even hitting her up about sex, I can't have sex without having a good few dates with them first. Hate a one night stand, I need a connection before I can. I'm not looking for NSA, I'm 29 and looking for something to lead into a more serious connection down the line. We both admitted to having high sexdrives, and that mixed in with a national lockdown probably lead to some sexting. I remember her housemate viewed my insta stories a few times while I was talking to this girl, and when I ended it with the girl and clocked she blocked me the same day, I suppose I got nosey and went on and viewed her housemates insta stories and it was about her ordering takeaway to cheer up her housemate (the girl I was seeing) because she was sad - so I guess she blocked me because she was sad I ended it unless something else made her sad that same evening I felt bad for hurting her as she was so sweet. I still follow her Instagram so could always DM Edited May 31, 2021 by TheDarkMiller 1
Not So Sad II Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 3 minutes ago, TheDarkMiller said: I'm not even hitting her up about sex, I can't have sex without having a good few dates with them first. Hate a one night stand, I need a connection before I can. I'm not looking for NSA, I'm 29 and looking for something to lead into a more serious connection down the line. We both admitted to having high sexdrives, and that mixed in with a national lockdown probably lead to some sexting. I remember her housemate viewed my insta stories a few times while I was talking to this girl, and when I ended it with the girl and clocked she blocked me the same day, I suppose I got nosey and went on and viewed her housemates insta stories and it was about her ordering takeaway to cheer up her housemate (the girl I was seeing) because she was sad - so I guess she blocked me because she was sad I ended it unless something else made her sad that same evening I felt bad for hurting her as she was so sweet. I still follow her Instagram so could always DM I hate blocking. I think people do it far too quickly, that said, it was probably a reaction on her part to being dumped by you. I think possibly you haven't given her a very good impression of yourself. You dumped her, you sexted her, and while women might admit to certain things it doesn't mean its their idea of a dream man. What I'm saying is that sometimes you can get drawn into things to come across as the cool girl. I also think everyone is wary of guys who dump then return, dump then return. All this stuff is all over TikTok now and a lot of people are very educated in it!
Author TheDarkMiller Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 2 minutes ago, Not So Sad II said: I hate blocking. I think people do it far too quickly, that said, it was probably a reaction on her part to being dumped by you. I think possibly you haven't given her a very good impression of yourself. You dumped her, you sexted her, and while women might admit to certain things it doesn't mean its their idea of a dream man. What I'm saying is that sometimes you can get drawn into things to come across as the cool girl. I also think everyone is wary of guys who dump then return, dump then return. All this stuff is all over TikTok now and a lot of people are very educated in it! I understand the dump and return thing, but people can make mistakes I guess. Like I said, no pandemic and I probably would have still dated her, but I didn't have the time to date unfortunately. Just wanted to add that she initiated the sexting and sent more sexts than I did although it was mutual by the end.
poppyfields Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, TheDarkMiller said: First week of September I called her and told her I thought it wasn't best idea to keep seeing each other. We ended on happy terms but without me doing anything she blocked me on WhatsApp and stopped following me on Instagram (though I still follow her on Instagram). I think the lack of seeing each other (pandemic woes) really killed the attraction for me after a while, there was no escalation that can only come with being with someone in person. For the last 10 months I think about her now and again, if she posts an Instagram I do catch myself smiling.. ^^I'm thinking this is why people choose to ghost versus formally ending it and closing that proverbial door. Ghosting keeps the door open a crack and allows you to return later with a hopefully plausible explanation... Jmo but when talking on-line and/or just a couple of dates, it's not uncommon for people to drop off your radar for a bit... I've done it and had it done to me. Then when the person is in a better position to date more regularly or if on-line, to meet in person, they circle back. This is all pretty standard, no need for anyone to get butthurt about it, and block/delete, that is an emotional reaction and unnecessary, and a bit immature imo. Anyway, when you ended it, did you explain why? Like what you told us about not being to spend physical time due to pandemic and you cannot escalate (the way you wanted) on line? If not might have helped ease the blow of feeling rejected as she clearly felt. In any event, I vote for reaching out, circling back. You have absolutely nothing to lose. It's also okay to not know 'where it's going' - you didn't know first time round so why would you know now? As you said, you only had a couple of dates! People need to chill and not take these extremely early stages of dating so seriously! She will either be open and flexible to 'trying it on' again, or she will be closed and rigid and decline. Either way, you learned something about her (and yourself) which is always a good thing, imho! Dating and relationships are a risk, no guarantees, ever! And if one isn't up to taking that risk, they shouldn't be dating. Good luck whatever you decide! Edited May 31, 2021 by poppyfields
Lotsgoingon Posted June 1, 2021 Posted June 1, 2021 Look, if you couldn't appreciate her then, why do you suddenly think you appreciate her now? I don't get it. But there's weird logic, bizarre logic in your worry that ... I don't fear the rejection, just fear she may feel hurt of I reach out. Guess it's hit and hope. Excuse me, romance is an adult game. She can defend herself. If you want to approach, then approach. If you don't want to, don't. Cut out this "she might be hurt." OK, then she'll hang up the phone on you on tell you to go away. End of hurt. What, you're thinking she'll suffer some long-term trauma if you reach out to her positively? Are you serious? This wasn't even a full-on relationship yet ... Your thinking totally gets wrong how resilient people are. Seriously, you probably don't see it this way, but if you're worried about "hurting her," then in fact, you see her as pathetic. If she can't survive you saying that you are thinking good things of her, then she's got massive problems and you need to stay away. Either you like her and respect her ... and thus see her as a resilient human bring ... or you don't ... If you don't, then stay way. 4
Sun Seeker Posted June 1, 2021 Posted June 1, 2021 Let's be honest here, nothing developed previously because you were just not that into her. Not because of work, or covid, they are just excuses. If you were truly interested in her back then you would have found time. You would have found the energy on a Sunday. You would have made an effort. Instead you did the opposite and told her it's best to not continue. That's all fine, it's your choice. But to now want to contact her again comes across selfish. You are only thinking about yourself. You didn't appreciate her back then, and now you seem to think you deserve another chance? Let her be so she can find someone who appreciates her, if she hasn't already. 2 1
Author TheDarkMiller Posted June 1, 2021 Author Posted June 1, 2021 3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: Look, if you couldn't appreciate her then, why do you suddenly think you appreciate her now? I don't get it. But there's weird logic, bizarre logic in your worry that ... I don't fear the rejection, just fear she may feel hurt of I reach out. Guess it's hit and hope. Excuse me, romance is an adult game. She can defend herself. If you want to approach, then approach. If you don't want to, don't. Cut out this "she might be hurt." OK, then she'll hang up the phone on you on tell you to go away. End of hurt. What, you're thinking she'll suffer some long-term trauma if you reach out to her positively? Are you serious? This wasn't even a full-on relationship yet ... Your thinking totally gets wrong how resilient people are. Seriously, you probably don't see it this way, but if you're worried about "hurting her," then in fact, you see her as pathetic. If she can't survive you saying that you are thinking good things of her, then she's got massive problems and you need to stay away. Either you like her and respect her ... and thus see her as a resilient human bring ... or you don't ... If you don't, then stay way. I don't think she's pathetic at all! I just didn't want anyone getting hurt by my actions. And of course I don't think she'll suffer some long-term trauma, what a deep-end thing to say haha!
Author TheDarkMiller Posted June 1, 2021 Author Posted June 1, 2021 3 hours ago, Punterxx said: Let's be honest here, nothing developed previously because you were just not that into her. Not because of work, or covid, they are just excuses. If you were truly interested in her back then you would have found time. You would have found the energy on a Sunday. You would have made an effort. Instead you did the opposite and told her it's best to not continue. That's all fine, it's your choice. But to now want to contact her again comes across selfish. You are only thinking about yourself. You didn't appreciate her back then, and now you seem to think you deserve another chance? Let her be so she can find someone who appreciates her, if she hasn't already. I really was into her! I was dead on Sundays, I was working 14 hour days Mon-Sat due to filming events with my work, and that's not including 1 hour journey to and from work each day. It really affected my mental health and ended up taking ADs for a while so I really wasn't in a fit state to date anyone (and if you still think that's an excuse then you don't understand mental health...) at that time and it wouldn't have been fair on her to 'string her along' while I couldn't commit to seeing her although I liked her. So I think it's unfair to jump to conclusions saying I wasn't that into her when in fact I was into her a lot.
introverted1 Posted June 1, 2021 Posted June 1, 2021 1 hour ago, TheDarkMiller said: I really was into her! I was dead on Sundays, I was working 14 hour days Mon-Sat due to filming events with my work, and that's not including 1 hour journey to and from work each day. It really affected my mental health and ended up taking ADs for a while so I really wasn't in a fit state to date anyone (and if you still think that's an excuse then you don't understand mental health...) at that time and it wouldn't have been fair on her to 'string her along' while I couldn't commit to seeing her although I liked her. So I think it's unfair to jump to conclusions saying I wasn't that into her when in fact I was into her a lot. If you were so into her, why were you losing interest even before you became busy with work? 13 hours ago, TheDarkMiller said: A day later back at my folks I match with a girl who I must have swiped right on while in London collecting my things. We had great chat and texted each day for about two weeks. We then had a virtual date which went well. The next week (start of June) we were still texting and some nights were steamy with lots of sexting, was clear we found each other sexual attractive. We eventually have enough virtual date which also went well. Early August I move back to London and a week later I have a date with the girl. Was just drinks but went really well. Second date was an activity and a few drinks but I started losing interested (we kissed on both dates). A few weeks pass where I'm getting busy with work as the offices were opening up again and I had to do some 6 day shifts so didn't have time really for a third date as Sundays I was knackered so I wasn't seeing the girl. During this time I'm losing more interest in her, we were still texting each day but going back to the chat I remember I was texting less (wasn't my plan). First week of September I called her and told her I thought it wasn't best idea to keep seeing each other. We ended on happy terms but without me doing anything she blocked me on WhatsApp and stopped following me on Instagram (though I still follow her on Instagram). I think the lack of seeing each other (pandemic woes) really killed the attraction for me after a while, there was no escalation that can only come with being with someone in person. 1
Author TheDarkMiller Posted June 1, 2021 Author Posted June 1, 2021 25 minutes ago, introverted1 said: If you were so into her, why were you losing interest even before you became busy with work? Ah sorry that's my mistake in writing the post, I started losing interest after the second date when work got very busy
stillafool Posted June 1, 2021 Posted June 1, 2021 15 hours ago, TheDarkMiller said: Just wanted to add that she initiated the sexting and sent more sexts than I did although it was mutual by the end. Young women are mostly the ones who are into sexting.
BeanCounter Posted June 1, 2021 Posted June 1, 2021 (edited) 17 hours ago, TheDarkMiller said: I'm not even hitting her up about sex, I can't have sex without having a good few dates with them first. Hate a one night stand, I need a connection before I can. I'm not looking for NSA, I'm 29 and looking for something to lead into a more serious connection down the line. We both admitted to having high sexdrives, and that mixed in with a national lockdown probably lead to some sexting. I remember her housemate viewed my insta stories a few times while I was talking to this girl, and when I ended it with the girl and clocked she blocked me the same day, I suppose I got nosey and went on and viewed her housemates insta stories and it was about her ordering takeaway to cheer up her housemate (the girl I was seeing) because she was sad - so I guess she blocked me because she was sad I ended it unless something else made her sad that same evening I felt bad for hurting her as she was so sweet. I still follow her Instagram so could always DM If you feel bad for hurting her, don't hurt her again, which you're going to do if you reach out. There was a reason you lost interest, and it had nothing to due with the pandemic. I've been down this route plenty of times, we remember the best qualities when time passes and forget what happened to cause us to lose interest and convince ourselves it will be different this time. It won't be, you'll lose interest again, and hurt her all over again. My advice - stay away. Edited June 1, 2021 by BeanCounter
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