I'm 28, never dated or had a girlfriend and why I think it probably won't happen for me

[Superblaze]

This is my first time ever posting here and I thought I’d share my story without making this post too long hopefully. So I’m 28 and I’ve never dated or had a girlfriend, I’ve only been on one date in my life and that was about 6 years ago back in 2015. I was 21 at that time and that was also when I got my first kiss and hookup. Since then, I’ve had absolutely nothing and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. You see I also still live at home with my parents as well as currently having no friends, and I think that I just have the deck stacked against me with all 3 of those things hitting me at once. I don’t think very many girls would even want to date me right now because they’re usually turned off by each of those 3 things individually, but its even worse when all of them are happening at the same time. I’m just instantly gonna come off as a social reject and a loser because of it.

 

Its not they’re things you can hide either, because eventually the girl you’ve been dating is gonna want you to meet her friends and then she’ll want to meet yours. You can try to hide it at first by saying they’re always busy or saying they cancelled at the last minute, but eventually she’s gonna start to suspect that you’re either not as serious about her as she thought if you won’t let her meet your friends, or the actual truth that you have no friends and didn’t want her to know. Its also not uncommon for the subject of past relationships and dating history to come up when you start to get more serious with someone, which could turn her off if you tell her the truth or it could be revealed on its own even if you lie by making several beginner’s mistakes after lying and saying that you had experience. And obviously I can’t really bring a girl back to my place if I still live at home as an adult in his late 20’s, this isn’t high school anymore. So we would only be able to go back to her place or a hotel if we wanted to spend the night together. I don’t think I have any chance to be successful in the dating world and I’m currently completely undateable. 

[smackie9]

Well you know what you have to do...make some friends, and move out on your own...get a life...don't be a Chris Elliot.

[dramafreezone]

Nice to meet you.

So you're 28.  Living at home with your parents definitely is working against you, but no woman that sees you out in public knows that you live at home with your parents.  So can't really use that as an excuse.

Having friends does not help.  I don't think I'm going out on a limb by saying women are more social than men, so not being around other people hurts you more than the at-home thing.  Being around friends gives you social proof, in that those people think you're cool enough to hang around with, so it makes it easier for a potential romantic partner to feel safe around you. Definitely look into purusing hobbies so that you can meet like-minded people and forge some friendships.  Also look into meetup.com groups.  These are easy ways to expand your social circle.

Why are you living at home and what steps are you taking to move out and establish your life as an independent man?

[smackie9]

Yes you need to start getting a plan to put into action...I think the first order of things is to have a more positive attitude. If you are down on yourself all the time, no one will even look at you. Do you not have any cousins to hang out with? maybe one of them would be on board with having a roommate.

Edited May 30, 2021 by smackie9

[Wiseman2]

All of this is changeable.

Get more involved in life. A side job, classes, courses online, join some groups, clubs, sports, volunteer, etc.

So you can make all sorts of friends and start talking to women.

And second job will keep you busy as well as provide money for your own house-share or room. 

So feeling sorry for yourself is the biggest turn off to women.

Not a guy who's hustling to improve his situation and has a life outside of mom and dad's house.

[Superblaze]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

Nice to meet you.

So you're 28.  Living at home with your parents definitely is working against you, but no woman that sees you out in public knows that you live at home with your parents.  So can't really use that as an excuse.

Having friends does not help.  I don't think I'm going out on a limb by saying women are more social than men, so not being around other people hurts you more than the at-home thing.  Being around friends gives you social proof, in that those people think you're cool enough to hang around with, so it makes it easier for a potential romantic partner to feel safe around you. Definitely look into purusing hobbies so that you can meet like-minded people and forge some friendships.  Also look into meetup.com groups.  These are easy ways to expand your social circle.

Why are you living at home and what steps are you taking to move out and establish your life as an independent man?

I’m still living at home because in the expensive state that I live in (California), I can’t afford rent anywhere. Even a small studio apartment without a full kitchen and located in a bad part of town costs at least $1,200 a month. I have no higher education as I dropped out of community college and just started working, but all the jobs I’ve had have been dead end blue collar jobs with no room for advancement or higher pay. It was a stupid decision on my part to work those jobs in the first place, so the only real step towards independence I’m taking is to get a better job than my current one, which is a part time job at a grocery store that only pays 30 cents over minimum wage. I can’t move out and be independent without a better job and more money, so that’s where my focus is. 

Edited May 30, 2021 by Superblaze

[Superblaze]

47 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Yes you need to start getting a plan to put into action...I think the first order of things is to have a more positive attitude. If you are down on yourself all the time, no one will even look at you. Do you not have any cousins to hang out with? maybe one of them would be on board with having a roommate.

Nope, no cousins or any family members that are the same age as me, I’m completely on my own. 

[Superblaze]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

All of this is changeable.

Get more involved in life. A side job, classes, courses online, join some groups, clubs, sports, volunteer, etc.

So you can make all sorts of friends and start talking to women.

And second job will keep you busy as well as provide money for your own house-share or room. 

So feeling sorry for yourself is the biggest turn off to women.

Not a guy who's hustling to improve his situation and has a life outside of mom and dad's house.

I would love to have a side hustle, but my BS job that I currently have prevents me from doing that since that since they still make me come in pretty much every weekday and my start time is always in the middle of the day until late at night, despite this only being a part time job. So it makes it near impossible to have a side hustle, but I’m gonna be quitting this job soon, so maybe once I have a different job it’ll be easier. 

[dramafreezone]

7 minutes ago, Superblaze said:

I’m still living at home because I’m the expensive state that I live in (California), I can’t afford rent anywhere. Even a small studio apartment without a full kitchen and located in a bad part of town costs at least $1,200 a month. I have no higher education as I dropped out of community college and just started working, but all the jobs I’ve had have been dead end blue collar jobs with no room for advancement or higher pay. It was a stupid decision on my part to work those jobs in the first place, so the only real step towards independence I’m taking is to get a better job than my current one, which is a part time job at a grocery store that only pays 30 cents over minimum wage. I can’t move out and be independent without a better job and more money, so that’s where my focus is. 

I'm in CA too, in San Diego.  I do know the struggle, rent is ridiculous.

You don't need higher education.  College isn't for everyone, but you have to figure out your plan.  Look into trade school to be an electrician, plumber, those pay pretty well and are needed.  Or if you do have a passion, you need to start taking managable steps towards that today.  Look into a course right now.  Every journey begins with a single step.

[Superblaze]

11 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I'm in CA too, in San Diego.  I do know the struggle, rent is ridiculous.

You don't need higher education.  College isn't for everyone, but you have to figure out your plan.  Look into trade school to be an electrician, plumber, those pay pretty well and are needed.  Or if you do have a passion, you need to start taking managable steps towards that today.  Look into a course right now.  Every journey begins with a single step.

What a small world, I’m in San Diego too lol. Yeah rent is ridiculously high here, I’ve even looked at areas like Ramona and its no cheaper. I’ve looked into trade schools before, but I saw that they cost like $30,000 for tuition so I decided against them for the most part after seeing that. Despite not having the income necessary to move out right now, I’m also not crushed under a mountain of debt and actually have very little debt, so I would really like to keep it that way by finding a better job without taking on a bunch of debt in the process. 

[cleverusername]

Just now, Superblaze said:

What a small world, I’m in San Diego too lol. Yeah rent is ridiculously high here, I’ve even looked at areas like Ramona and its no cheaper. I’ve looked into trade schools before, but I saw that they cost like $30,000 for tuition so I decided against them for the most part after seeing that. Despite not having the income necessary to move out right now, I’m also not crushed under a mountain of debt and actually have very little debt, so I would really like to keep it that way by finding a better job without taking on a bunch of debt in the process. 

Look into the national guard. Get confidence in yourself, college paid for, good physical shape, a semi-regular pay boost and possible bonus.....

[dramafreezone]

4 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Look into the national guard. Get confidence in yourself, college paid for, good physical shape, a semi-regular pay boost and possible bonus.....

Great idea, that's what I did when I was at a dead end, though I enlisted for active duty.

[Superblaze]

So far the important takeaway I’m getting from this thread is that I need to make improvements in other areas of my life before I even think about dating, something I’ve thought to myself already. 

[dramafreezone]

13 minutes ago, Superblaze said:

So far the important takeaway I’m getting from this thread is that I need to make improvements in other areas of my life before I even think about dating, something I’ve thought to myself already. 

You don't have to.  It's just that improving yourself makes dating much easier.

If you changed nothing about yourself and went to the mall or any establishment where you could meet a lot of women and asked 200 out, you would find a few that would say yes.  Finding someone interested is purely a numbers game.

What I assume though is that you want to meet women that you find attractive, who have things going for them, who are nice, sexy.  Well a lot of guys want those women, so you have to make yourself competitive.

[Interstellar]

my boss still lives with his mother. he’s making $ 200k a year + bonuses. smart guy as far as I know. no need to pay rent. it’s not the fact that you live with your mother, it’s really your attitude and mindset that you need to fix. do you think having a gf will make you happier? can you tell a good woman from a bad one and what you should watch out for?  can you keep her heart? it comes with its own set of anxieties. you can’t just let it all hang out and be comfortable and treat her like one of your buddies, she’ll start losing respect for you, it takes work and consistency in maintaining it. a lot of guys after they get a gf  they become complacent. there’s also specific skills that you should be aware of, communication skills, nuances,  etc

[Donnas]

Socialize in mixed groups of guys and girls alot.

And maybe follow some dating classes in your area.

You can have a gf without having to bring her home for sex.

Having a gf is way more then hookups.

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Superblaze said:

 I need to make improvements in other areas of my life before I even think about dating, something I’ve thought to myself already. 

Ok. So start doing that.

[HotRevolver93]

I’m your age as well. I gave up a couple years ago. OLD approaching in real life nothing every works lol.

 

Everyone isn’t meant to find love or be successful in dating. It’s like anything else in life. 

[Trail Blazer]

11 hours ago, Interstellar said:

my boss still lives with his mother. he’s making $ 200k a year + bonuses. smart guy as far as I know. no need to pay rent. it’s not the fact that you live with your mother, it’s really your attitude and mindset that you need to fix. do you think having a gf will make you happier? can you tell a good woman from a bad one and what you should watch out for?  can you keep her heart? it comes with its own set of anxieties. you can’t just let it all hang out and be comfortable and treat her like one of your buddies, she’ll start losing respect for you, it takes work and consistency in maintaining it. a lot of guys after they get a gf  they become complacent. there’s also specific skills that you should be aware of, communication skills, nuances,  etc

So.... what you're really trying to say here is that women are just damn hard work!

 

[Interstellar]

2 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

So.... what you're really trying to say here is that women are just damn hard work!

 

huh...I didn’t say that  

[Dull Hargraves]

On 5/30/2021 at 4:23 AM, Superblaze said:

This is my first time ever posting here and I thought I’d share my story without making this post too long hopefully. So I’m 28 and I’ve never dated or had a girlfriend, I’ve only been on one date in my life and that was about 6 years ago back in 2015. I was 21 at that time and that was also when I got my first kiss and hookup. Since then, I’ve had absolutely nothing and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. You see I also still live at home with my parents as well as currently having no friends, and I think that I just have the deck stacked against me with all 3 of those things hitting me at once. I don’t think very many girls would even want to date me right now because they’re usually turned off by each of those 3 things individually, but its even worse when all of them are happening at the same time. I’m just instantly gonna come off as a social reject and a loser because of it.

 

Its not they’re things you can hide either, because eventually the girl you’ve been dating is gonna want you to meet her friends and then she’ll want to meet yours. You can try to hide it at first by saying they’re always busy or saying they cancelled at the last minute, but eventually she’s gonna start to suspect that you’re either not as serious about her as she thought if you won’t let her meet your friends, or the actual truth that you have no friends and didn’t want her to know. Its also not uncommon for the subject of past relationships and dating history to come up when you start to get more serious with someone, which could turn her off if you tell her the truth or it could be revealed on its own even if you lie by making several beginner’s mistakes after lying and saying that you had experience. And obviously I can’t really bring a girl back to my place if I still live at home as an adult in his late 20’s, this isn’t high school anymore. So we would only be able to go back to her place or a hotel if we wanted to spend the night together. I don’t think I have any chance to be successful in the dating world and I’m currently completely undateable. 

Its obvious you are suffering from Depression.  Sorry If I missed this somewhere in the thread,but it’s just so obvious to me.  Depression isnt just about sadness etc, it can also be about lack of concentration, lack of focus,  lack of motivation, anxiety, and it even manifests with fatigue, problems with sleep etc... it’s all on a spectrum.  The important thing is that it’s not any type of character flaw, it is a disease and a medical condition that can be as or more debilitating as any physical condition.  The problem is there is still the ‘snap out of it’ syndrome.  People can’t see it physically so they give it less merit and less attention compared to other diseases.  There so many medications these days and many of the are fairly cheap.  Sometimes it’s trial and error to find which one or which combination works.  And don’t let anyone tell you anti-depressant meds are bad- those people are full of s***.  When I was 2 years older than you my life was going downhill, I couldn’t focus to do my job, I had always been one of the best and brightest and I had gotten to the point where people were saying ‘what the f*** is wrong with you?’  I finally thought about the fact that my mother had been mentally ill my whole life.  What would going to a psychiatrist hurt?  I walked into his office and sat down.  First thing he said- ‘You have depression, I can tell by looking at you.’  I started taking meds and initially it was like the proverbial veil being lifted.  That was 20 years ago.  It has been an ongoing battle for me - I’ll always have it- but my life is awesome now, I can’t complain. PLEASE get help for this.  You are too young to be mired in this bullshit. If you can get your head right, the other stuff has a way of falling into place.  Right now, I bet you don’t feel like doing anything, much less trying to better yourself.  It probably becomes overwhelming, you don’t know what to do, so you do nothing. . I can tell by the way you write that you are an intelligent guy. Things can be so much better.  A visit to a doctors office could change your life.  You just have to take that first step.