How do you recover from being cheated on or a horrible break up?

[LoopyLoop99]

So a few years ago i was in a relationship, we were not together for long but they ended up cheating on me and discarding me as if i meant nothing to them. It really damaged me because I was really in love with them and i couldnt understand how someone could act the way they did. One moment they are with me and talking about the future and being nice.. the next they cheat and message me without any apology or anything and just discard me.

It was really painful. It took a lot of self reflection and research but i realise now they may have had a personality disorder. 

But anyway it' really hard for me to date or have a relationship again i always get scared and think its fake. Genuine acts of love/kindness = fake. As per my previous relationship experience.

How do you recover from these issues?

[Alpacalia]

You'll have to relearn trust, starting with yourself and working your way up.

If it is becoming a long-term issue, you should seek the assistance of an individual counselor.

[LoopyLoop99]

7 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

You'll have to relearn trust, starting with yourself and working your way up.

If it is becoming a long-term issue, you should seek the assistance of an individual counselor.

thanks

[Gaeta]

I was cheated on and in my recovery process l've discovered it was more about trusting myselves again than trusting another man. Work on trusting yourself  that next time you'll make a better choice for gf.

[LoopyLoop99]

33 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I was cheated on and in my recovery process l've discovered it was more about trusting myselves again than trusting another man. Work on trusting yourself  that next time you'll make a better choice for gf.

Yea no doubt I had my own issues and i realised why i attracted someone like her in the first place!

But... it still makes me doubt what's "real" and what "love" is 

[elaine567]

@LoopyLoop99
Dating is a tough game, you were not with this person very long and she obviously found a "better" guy and moved onto him and discarded you.
That is how it tends to work, everyone  especially when young and when options are plentiful, is out for the best they can get. 
If you do not measure up, you get dumped. That is how it works.
Dating is too serious a job to just hang around with people who you do not see a future with, or who are not making you happy...
Romantic love is highly conditional.

You need to take a more big picture view and stop romanticising, over what was, in reality a very short term relationship.
She was not the love of your life just a girl out dating, looking for compatibility and did not find it with you.
Yes she should not have led you on or cheated but many people simply dislike conflict.
They take happiness where they can and end up hurting others in the process, it is life.
I guess she did not deliberately set out to hurt you but that was the result anyway.
She bruised and damaged your ego, your job now is to work on that and forget about her.
 

[LoopyLoop99]

Just now, elaine567 said:

@LoopyLoop99
Dating is a tough game, you were not with this person very long and she obviously found a "better" guy and moved onto him and discarded you.
That is how it tends to work, everyone  especially when young and when options are plentiful, is out for the best they can get. 
If you do not measure up, you get dumped. That is how it works.
Dating is too serious a job to just hang around with people who you do not see a future with, or who are not making you happy...
Romantic love is highly conditional.

You need to take a more big picture view and stop romanticising, over what was, in reality a very short term relationship.
She was not the love of your life just a girl out dating, looking for compatibility and did not find it with you.
Yes she should not have led you on or cheated but many people simply dislike conflict.
They take happiness where they can and end up hurting others in the process, it is life.
I guess she did not deliberately set out to hurt you but that was the result anyway.
She bruised and damaged your ego, your job now is to work on that and forget about her.
 

Yea thanks for your response, good points.. it's just really hard to process what she did.... to one moment tell someone you want to do X and Y with them in the future and be nice to them and "in love " with them then next moment "discard" them for something better. I understand that's how dating works but that's borderline psychopathic. I don't think I could act that way towards another person. Even if my feelings had changed or I found someone better. I mean totally faking love and keeping them around only to discard them like they meant nothing just because I found something better. 

Maybe she was the love of my life? How would I know, i've never had a connection like i had with her. But i'm over it now but I struggle with trusting or believing in "love" or if a girl shows affection or anything towards me... how do  I know she won't just discard me next week for something new and shiny? This is what i have learnt and hence my issues.

[Blind-Sided]

First... how long is "Not for long" ??  .........

Second... If we are talking a for a few months... then @elaine567 is right.  Dating is a rough game for some.

Third ... If it was over a year, and you had no idea... then it can be hard to recover.  To me, Cheating is the biggest trust breaker.

Lastly.... How old are you?

I'll wait for your answer to my first question to give a full replay.  

Edited May 29, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[ZA Dater]

When you face hurtful and adverse situations the best thing you can do is be kind to yourself and actually love yourself a bit more. Remind yourself that you are a good person.

[Ami1uwant]

12 hours ago, LoopyLoop99 said:

So a few years ago i was in a relationship, we were not together for long but they ended up cheating on me and discarding me as if i meant nothing to them. It really damaged me because I was really in love with them and i couldnt understand how someone could act the way they did. One moment they are with me and talking about the future and being nice.. the next they cheat and message me without any apology or anything and just discard me.

It was really painful. It took a lot of self reflection and research but i realise now they may have had a personality disorder. 

But anyway it' really hard for me to date or have a relationship again i always get scared and think its fake. Genuine acts of love/kindness = fake. As per my previous relationship experience.

How do you recover from these issues?

First off...cheating 99% of the time is not the real reason for the break up. There were other warning signs missed.

 

I understand it’s a shock, especially if there weren’t perceived problems on your part and you caught them.

 

it depends on how much you invested in this, were there some issues before or you might have talked ending/divorce previously ?

 

I was fine after my divorce. There were problems snd we talked. I discovered something, it wasn’t her cheating, but it was over in a week after.

 

after my long term relationship ended out of the blue. We never and I mean never had arguments. We might have had disagreements on things but it was never any sort of screaming.    I think the cause was more on her going thru a midlife crisis thing.  I was hurt by this for a while.  Under a little different circumstances I coukd have proposed to her.  Given where things were, I could not then. I told this to her early on and why and she understood.

[smackie9]

Dating is a crap shoot, you just have to go for it and hope for the best.

[spiderowl]

I think you need to realise that what happened says more about the person who cheated on you rather than you.  THEY cheated.  THEY dumped you without warning for no apparent reason.  It says they are unreliable, uncaring, and certain less committed than the impression they gave you.  It says they were dishonest and fickle.

What does it say about you?  Nothing bad.  You were genuine, honest, and faithful.  You have nothing to be ashamed of.  In fact, THEY have a lot to be ashamed of.

Once you realise you were not to blame for their problematic personality, you can move on knowing that you happened to meet someone who was not quite right.  That's what happened.  There was no fault on your side.

Many of us get caught out by these type of people but then learn from this to look out for signs of a lot of changes in their lives and fickleness when it comes to making decisions and commitments.

 

[mark clemson]

Trust issues - therapy, my boy. Find a very experienced IC who genuinely specializes in romantic/love issues OR maybe in your case in trauma since it seems that is how you experienced this. Shop around to find one you like. Love is indeed a serious business and the body count (both figurative and literal) is actually much higher than we generally realize I think.

[kendahke]

13 hours ago, LoopyLoop99 said:

How do you recover from these issues?

1. by not allowing them to rule my life

2. the help of a therapist to get through that emotional minefield

It sounds like you and this person weren't together long enough for you to have gone this far emoting. Did you break up within the first 6 months? If so, you made more of your involvement than what really existed--and that is something you need a therapist for to help you identify when and why this is what you reach for first in a new involvement and how to stop yourself from doing it in the future.

3. understand that life hold no guarantees for happiness for anyone--it's the pain and hurt that builds character and empathy.

[balletomane]

12 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I was cheated on and in my recovery process l've discovered it was more about trusting myselves again than trusting another man. Work on trusting yourself  that next time you'll make a better choice for gf.

This.

I was in an abusive relationship that left me with PTSD. It only ended when my abusive ex left me for the woman he'd been cheating on me with. He was so casual in how he told me about it too, as though he was letting me know about the grocery shopping or commenting on the weather. At first I felt completely blindsided, punched in the gut - I hadn't seen this coming. It was only when I began therapy that I realised I HAD seen it coming. I'd seen all sorts of uncomfortable truths about his behaviour that I had just excused and minimised and rationalised away. In my ex's case, he had been diagnosed with a severe mental illness (he was discharged from the army because of it) and every time he did something awful I'd just tell myself that he didn't mean it and couldn't help it. I had to learn that my instincts are solid and that I should trust myself when I feel that things aren't right.

[BeanCounter]

Time, mostly. My high school/early college girlfriend laid on my bed one Saturday morning and looked me in the eye and said "I love you more than life itself, one day I'm going to have your babies." Literally the next day she was having sex with one of my friends.

It takes time to understand that the kind of person that does that has severe psychological problems, not you. Definitely can mess you up for a while though. I will say, I wish I was brave enough to turn to counseling/therapy after that, as I basically went into a tailspin for the next year. It's a hard step to take, was for me at least, but it'll definitely reduce that amount of time it takes to move on and get back to feeling healthy if you talk to a professional. One of the bigger regrets in my life that I was not brave enough to admit I needed help at that time.

[LoopyLoop99]

4 hours ago, BeanCounter said:

Time, mostly. My high school/early college girlfriend laid on my bed one Saturday morning and looked me in the eye and said "I love you more than life itself, one day I'm going to have your babies." Literally the next day she was having sex with one of my friends.

It takes time to understand that the kind of person that does that has severe psychological problems, not you. Definitely can mess you up for a while though. I will say, I wish I was brave enough to turn to counseling/therapy after that, as I basically went into a tailspin for the next year. It's a hard step to take, was for me at least, but it'll definitely reduce that amount of time it takes to move on and get back to feeling healthy if you talk to a professional. One of the bigger regrets in my life that I was not brave enough to admit I needed help at that time.

dam that's brutal.. Yep it has taken me a long time but i am okbut i understand it now

[Maldives]

My advice counselling helped me tremendously.  For me I pick up the signs now a lot lot quicker donno if that's a good thing but you don't deny your reality and the truth of the situation. You probably will have trust issues moving forward but don't view it as a negative let the counselling show you how to manage it better.