Alpacalia Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 1 minute ago, LoopyLoop99 said: Nah it's a huge red flag.. you can't take someone seriously who says they were abused and cheated on in all their relationships what if they cheated on their partner first? what if they were abusive themselves? i've seen women play this victim role so many times only to realise that they themselves were the problem.. it's hilarious they say how bad their ex's are but leave out the parts that they played in it lmao! No, it means that the men she dated were jerks and she has a lot of healing to do. 1
LoopyLoop99 Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 4 minutes ago, Alpaca said: No, it means that the men she dated were jerks and she has a lot of healing to do. really? so she was the perfect person yet all her ex's were the horrible abusive people that cheated on her ? she had no faults in the relationship at all? really? lmfao! 1
Soak Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 (edited) 13 minutes ago, LoopyLoop99 said: she had no faults in the relationship at all? There must be a difference between somebody playing (and manipulating) in victim mode and people who have been genuinely mucked over. I've been as nice as pie to some of the people I've dated, putting them first, standing by their side through thick & thin, and they still rejected / went cold or did the wrong thing by me. So, the equation doesn't add up.. You can treat somebody royally and treat them like a king or queen, and they'll still do the wrong thing by you if that's how they're predisposed. I've come to the conclusion that how you see yourself and how you treat yourself, is how you end up treating other people. I've seen some of the most undeserving people get the best chances, but still couldn't appreciate it, value it, or treat it with respect. But yeah, a person in "victim mode" needs to halt completely and sort out their issues. Expecting others or somebody else to sort them out is a) irresponsible, b) unfair, c) manipulative. Edited May 29, 2021 by Soak 1
LoopyLoop99 Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Soak said: There must be a difference between somebody playing (and manipulating) in victim mode and people who have been genuinely mucked over. I've been as nice as pie to some of the people I've dated, putting them first, standing by their side through thick & thin, and they still rejected / went cold or did the wrong thing by me. So, the equation doesn't add up.. You can treat somebody royally and treat them like a king or queen, and they'll still do the wrong thing by you if that's how they're predisposed. I've come to the conclusion that how you see yourself and how you treat yourself, is how you end up treating other people. I've seen some of the most undeserving people get the best chances, but still couldn't appreciate it, value it, or treat it with respect. But yeah, a person in "victim mode" needs to halt completely and sort out their issues. Expecting others or somebody else to sort them out is a) irresponsible, b) unfair, c) manipulative. That's a fair point but just based on probabilities I would be very very weary if I meet someone who claims all of their ex's did bad things to them/ all of their relationships/ex's were bad and they were the victim in everything... maybe you're relationship with them would be different... or maybe you'll end up just like the rest of their ex's as someone who did them wrong. I'd bet the latter would be the more likely ending. Edited May 29, 2021 by LoopyLoop99
Soak Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 4 minutes ago, LoopyLoop99 said: I would be very very weary Maybe this is the answer. To be very, very wary until the person proves to be stable and know what they want (if you're after a relationship that is). Wary is the keyword. 3
Alpacalia Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 (edited) 35 minutes ago, LoopyLoop99 said: she had no faults in the relationship at all? Everyone has faults in a relationship. She most likely has a defective picker and it would be wise for OP to take these factors into consideration. Edited May 29, 2021 by Alpaca 1
Soak Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 Anyhow, getting back to the OP's thread (sorry, we kind of hijacked it there for a bit).. OP: I think the best thing you can do is play it cool. But also get on with your life and keep your mind open toward others. 2
LoopyLoop99 Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 13 minutes ago, Alpaca said: Everyone has faults in a relationship. She most likely has a defective picker and it would be wise for OP to take these factors into consideration. agree, defective picker is a bad sign as well probably has daddy issues or personality disorder.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 If you're looking for a relationship, OP, you need to keep moving. This woman isn't going to become your girlfriend. She's let you down twice now. It doesn't matter if she's trying to make excuses or if she's honestly that emotionally scarred from her past. The result is the same for you: she doesn't want to take this further. Think about it - if one night sends her into breakdown mode, having an actual relationship is going to be nearly impossible. She's not on the same page as you, and it's best you move on. 2
elaine567 Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 3 hours ago, LoopyLoop99 said: but just based on probabilities I would be very very weary if I meet someone who claims all of their ex's did bad things to them/ all of their relationships/ex's were bad and they were the victim in everything... The problem with abuse is that once a person has been abused they tend to attract other people who are happy to abuse them too. It is like they have a sign on their forehead "Come and abuse me" Abusers recognise the "walking on eggshells", submissive, people pleasing, "doormat" personality formed from being abused. Abusers can often put on a great show of lovebombing or niceness in order to fool the abused person. The abused person loves it, "At last I have found a nice person", only for the abuser to change back into the abuser they always were... Once trapped, the abused person does not usually have much fight left in them, so they tend to put up with it, until the abuser moves on, to often be replaced by another... So yes a person can be a victim of multiple abusers. 1
LoopyLoop99 Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 3 minutes ago, elaine567 said: The problem with abuse is that once a person has been abused they tend to attract other people who are happy to abuse them too. It is like they have a sign on their forehead "Come and abuse me" Abusers recognise the "walking on eggshells", submissive, people pleasing, "doormat" personality formed from being abused. Abusers can often put on a great show of lovebombing or niceness in order to fool the abused person. The abused person loves it, "At last I have found a nice person", only for the abuser to change back into the abuser they always were... Once trapped, the abused person does not usually have much fight left in them, so they tend to put up with it, until the abuser moves on, to often be replaced by another... So yes a person can be a victim of multiple abusers. Disagree, sure maybe one or two partners... but if if you don't have the IQ to see a common pattern then that's a red flag in itself imagine having a relationship with someone who ha such low IQ they can't even understand why they keep doing the same thing over and over again. It only took me one relationship with a toxic person to understand the signs and avoid it in the future.. yet it takes people 4+ parnters/never to change? lol i wouldn't want to date someone that dumb
elaine567 Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 It is not about being "dumb" it is about the nature of abuse and what it does to a person. Abuse can start when a person is a mere child and the results can be life long. 1 1
Author BeanCounter Posted May 29, 2021 Author Posted May 29, 2021 7 hours ago, LoopyLoop99 said: Disagree, sure maybe one or two partners... but if if you don't have the IQ to see a common pattern then that's a red flag in itself imagine having a relationship with someone who ha such low IQ they can't even understand why they keep doing the same thing over and over again. It only took me one relationship with a toxic person to understand the signs and avoid it in the future.. yet it takes people 4+ parnters/never to change? lol i wouldn't want to date someone that dumb Jeez, that is really cold. Battered wife syndrome is a real thing. It has absolutely nothing to do with intelligence and everything to do with mental blocks, fear, and denial. She's very intelligent, one of the reasons I like her. Past abuse and drama doesn't make her dumb, or weak. And for the record earlier, about the victim mentality, she has not talked about this with me in details. The first, and only time, she brought it up was when she was giving me reasons for why she couldn't go further into a relationship with me. I honestly think she only brought it up to try to help me understand that it's her and nothing about me... She doesn't play this victim card often.
Author BeanCounter Posted May 29, 2021 Author Posted May 29, 2021 11 hours ago, Soak said: Anyhow, getting back to the OP's thread (sorry, we kind of hijacked it there for a bit).. OP: I think the best thing you can do is play it cool. But also get on with your life and keep your mind open toward others. I think this is what it boils down to, as unfortunate as it is for me...
Sun Seeker Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 She already rejected you once and has now done it a second time. She doesn't want to date YOU. When she meets someone else who she is actually interested in she will have no problem dating them, whatever issues she's having. Best thing to do is walk away and find someone that actually wants to be with you. She does not.
divegrl Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 Yeah I figured. So sorry to hear this. I actually believe what she is saying. But, as others have said..... regardless of where the behavior is coming from, this will not be a healthy relationship pattern for you or her. I do hope she is able to heal from her past. Somatic healing and body awareness have shown positive outcomes when treating trauma. Wishing you both the best. 1
spiderowl Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 (edited) Something is putting this woman off, OP. We don't know what that is. One possibility is that she picked up that you want a relationship, want closeness with her. If she is not sure yet, not used to you yet, she could have panicked and backed off. It is safer to push someone away than to risk them getting too involved when you are not sure about them. If you both did have a great time (and we only have your story to go on), then her behaviour does not make sense. It only makes sense if she is looking for a spark that wasn't there for her or if she is looking for a different type of person. Maybe she prefers someone dominating, who knows? In order for there to be a spark, you need to become a bit scarce. To be there for her sometimes, but also not to be offended and to be busy leading your own life. Once she realises you are not going to cling and monitor her every move, she can relax a bit. If she does not see you as often as she'd like, she may find she really wants to see you. In short, you could change the dynamic here. However, I would caution against getting too involved yourself at this point, given what she has said. Things can change if she realises you are a catch that is just out of her reach and the spark can develop but you need to keep your options open at the moment. Edited May 29, 2021 by spiderowl 1
smackie9 Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 like I said before, she enjoyed the attention she was getting from you, not the fact it was with you. It was a small escape for a night where she can just feel good about things. It doesn't mean she's deeply interested in being with you. I say you may were just used, and that's why she's backed off...as to not lead you on.
Author BeanCounter Posted May 29, 2021 Author Posted May 29, 2021 6 hours ago, divegrl said: Yeah I figured. So sorry to hear this. I actually believe what she is saying. But, as others have said..... regardless of where the behavior is coming from, this will not be a healthy relationship pattern for you or her. I do hope she is able to heal from her past. Somatic healing and body awareness have shown positive outcomes when treating trauma. Wishing you both the best. These are super nice words, thank you so much
Author BeanCounter Posted May 29, 2021 Author Posted May 29, 2021 6 hours ago, spiderowl said: Something is putting this woman off, OP. We don't know what that is. One possibility is that she picked up that you want a relationship, want closeness with her. If she is not sure yet, not used to you yet, she could have panicked and backed off. It is safer to push someone away than to risk them getting too involved when you are not sure about them. If you both did have a great time (and we only have your story to go on), then her behaviour does not make sense. It only makes sense if she is looking for a spark that wasn't there for her or if she is looking for a different type of person. Maybe she prefers someone dominating, who knows? In order for there to be a spark, you need to become a bit scarce. To be there for her sometimes, but also not to be offended and to be busy leading your own life. Once she realises you are not going to cling and monitor her every move, she can relax a bit. If she does not see you as often as she'd like, she may find she really wants to see you. In short, you could change the dynamic here. However, I would caution against getting too involved yourself at this point, given what she has said. Things can change if she realises you are a catch that is just out of her reach and the spark can develop but you need to keep your options open at the moment. I really took this to heart. I think your advice is best, which is basically the tact I have taken. Backed off, lived my own life the last few days, and if she messages me I respond, but I'm not pushing anymore. If it happens, great. But I'm going to go see another woman tomorrow and see how that goes. I do think I was 100% pushing too much, and wanting to move too fast, and that may definitely have scared her off.
Soak Posted May 30, 2021 Posted May 30, 2021 (edited) 12 hours ago, BeanCounter said: I think this is what it boils down to, as unfortunate as it is for me... Well, I've been a similar situation myself. Felt massive chemistry (compatibility).. Thought it was the same for the other person. Still don't know, am confuddled. Lost my cool, got too demanding and pushed this person for some sort of response and to see how they'd react (they weren't giving me answers, so I had to "find out" for myself). Ended up ending our interactions in a dramatic way... It gave me a sense of "power" (control) for a short time.. However, all I am left with now is regret and what-ifs? I didn't have the resilience to ride out the discomfort and uncertainty of now knowing where I stood, but am now left with regret and missing this person. I think, am fairly sure the bridge is too far to cross again, so I have to accept my impulsive and harmful actions. Anyhow... It is easy to see things in hindsight. There is also an element of being comfortable with uncertainty. The key though, seems to be to avoid one-itis, limerance and wishful thinking. Being cool and actually getting on with your life is the best thing to do. If she comes back, you could raise it with her. I always liked that Movie Loser (2000), where the Jason Biggs character has a crush on Dora and she has no idea. There is a scene toward the end when he is talking with his dad on the phone about her not knowing that he liked her "that way", which she overhears. From there, it dawns on her that the whole time she was oblivious to his romantic feelings toward her. The final scene is when she approaches him at his residence. He has had his hair cut short, and is focused on his studies. She waltzes in with a pizza and approaches him. It is at this point, he kindly stops her, suggests that he can't keep going back and forth and that if she is to "come back looking all cute", she is to mean it. Anyway, I know it's Hollywood, but I liked the way it ended... He didn't lose his cool, continued with his life, and appeared to remain generally open, but also drew a small line in the sand regarding her intentions and what he expected from her in this new light. Edited May 30, 2021 by Soak 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 30, 2021 Posted May 30, 2021 10 hours ago, BeanCounter said: I'm going to go see another woman tomorrow and see how that goes. Excellent. That's how you need to do things. Nothing is happening until it's happening. Yes, take it slowly and play it by ear without all the "kino" and agenda playing in the background.
Recommended Posts