BeanCounter Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 Hello! Sorry for the long story, but been very agitated over this and wanted to get it out there. I feel like I know where your advice is going to lead me, and what is rational, but still maybe want to be told… Background: the girl I knew in high school. We worked together and hung out a few times in high school, but nothing ever happened. I lived with her brother in college, but I had not talked to her in quite some time. 2 years ago, we would periodically randomly interact on Facebook, so I decided to message her. Talked for a while, things were good and exciting, set up a date. She ended up withdrawing before the date and becoming distant, and I knew what was coming – she cancelled. She said she couldn’t have any male contact in her life at this time. I said I understood and thanked her for her honesty. I took this of course as a polite way of her telling me she was not interested any longer. I was bummed, but whatever, it happens, and it was really too early to be very hurt over. So, I left her alone for 2 years and went on my merry way. Fast forward to a month ago, when we randomly started communicating on Facebook again. So I messaged her again, and we started talking. And we never stopped talking. Would talk until 2 or 3 in the morning when I wake up at 6am for work, and it didn’t matter, because things were amazing. So many common interests, values, sense of humor, feelings. We were on the same page on pretty much everything. Her background is important a bit here, as she has 3 children who are in sports and such and she has a job where she works 12-16 hour shifts over the weekends. She’s planning a fairly significant surgery soon. She’s a busy lady with a lot going on. It was difficult to meet up, but we continued chatting and getting close. She continued to tell me how well we connect and how “everything happens for a reason” regarding the last time I tried to date her and she pulled away. About a week ago, we finally got the chance to meet up in person. Things were fantastic! We watched a movie which we just talked through the entire time. Conversation was incredibly easy and fun. I didn’t end up leaving until 430 in the morning, and I’ll just say there was an extreme physical compatibility as well. The first time is always a bit awkward with someone new, but we just connected in every way imaginable. Certainly on the same wavelength in terms of passion and chemistry. I was on top of the world driving home to go to work with no sleep. I don’t usually allow myself to get too excited early on, I understand honeymoon phases and such, but I can honestly say I’d never quite felt like this with any girl previously. My dating habits are normally the complete opposite – date someone for 3 or 4 months, get bored, and move on. It is what it is. But I was definitely fantasizing about the future at this point. In comes inevitable downfall. In the following couple of days, I can tell she is distant again. Something has obviously changed. I confront her about it and she tells me that the night was incredible but that she spent the entire next day basically having a breakdown. Without spelling out her personal stuff, she’s been through a lot of trauma, and certainly has some form of PTSD, and she tells me again, she just can’t be with someone romantically right now while she figures this out. I suggested her going to therapy, and she is trying to. But what do I do at this point? We still talk somewhat, but it is clearly not what it was before. It’s small, pointless stuff. It’s not what it was. I’m somewhat devastated because I got ahead of myself in terms of where we were at, but it sucks going from one of the best nights and being on top of the world to it just being gone overnight. I’m trying to give her space and backing off, but does that mean it’s just over and move on? I really like this girl, and I felt like she really liked me too.
d0nnivain Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 You recognize that she's a hot mess with too much on her plate. One night of hot sex does not negate all her other stuff. I know . . she the fantasy. You have been waiting & waiting since HS . . blah blah blah. You thought now was your time . .. finally & then she pulls this AGAIN. It's a blessing in disguise because she is in no shape to be a good romantic partner to anybody. Walk away with your head held high. Smile at the memories. Mourn the loss of what you hoped could be. She knows where to find you if she ever gets her act together. 1
Andy_K Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 She needs a friend, not a date. If you're interested in doing that, then do so. Otherwise, leave her to her space. But if you do want to help her, do it on the understanding that it's for her benefit and not a route into her love life. And only do it if you can handle the idea that when she dates again, there's every chance it won't be you. 1
divegrl Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 Becoming too close to someone scares her in a very real and visceral way...... so she pushes you away. But we are all wired for relationship and love, so she will be back. All you can do is be that safe and trusting person, a rock, while she works through her emotions. Wishing you the best. 1
ShyViolet Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 You need to just back off and listen to what she has said. She is not in a position to have a relationship, and she has clearly told you that. It doesn't matter how much you like her... that doesn't override all the things that are against this. Move on and find someone else who's actually available and ready to date. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 1 hour ago, divegrl said: All you can do is be that safe and trusting person, a rock, while she works through her emotions. He's been that since HS. He's already waited years. How much longer is BeanCounter supposed to wait while this girl gets her head out of her ***? It's not fair to him. He shouldn't settle for being her after thought / fall back position. 2
Author BeanCounter Posted May 28, 2021 Author Posted May 28, 2021 21 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: He's been that since HS. He's already waited years. How much longer is BeanCounter supposed to wait while this girl gets her head out of her ***? It's not fair to him. He shouldn't settle for being her after thought / fall back position. Sorry if I made it seem like that, but that isn't the truth of the situation. I knew her in high school. We were friends for a year or two. Then I lost contact with her for the next decade+ and we had literally 0 contact until I started to pursue her romantically the first time 2 years ago. I never had a crush on her before the contact from 2 years ago, and I haven't been waiting for this my whole life. Not even sure if that entirely changes things, but just wanted to set that straight. I've been the fall-back guy and the silver medal guy plenty of times in my life, I'm pretty quick to recognize when that's the case, and this just doesn't feel like it. And with others comments, she has said she can't handle anything romantically, but that was a completely different sentiment than what she was saying while things were good.
Author BeanCounter Posted May 28, 2021 Author Posted May 28, 2021 1 hour ago, divegrl said: Becoming too close to someone scares her in a very real and visceral way...... so she pushes you away. But we are all wired for relationship and love, so she will be back. All you can do is be that safe and trusting person, a rock, while she works through her emotions. Wishing you the best. That's a very nice thought, that I hope is reality. I'll just back off a bit and remain supportive for a bit at her pace...Like I said, she is going through a lot right now - a surgery soon, then starting a new job after she recovers from surgery, and her family... I think it's healthy and fair to not obsess at this point and keep my options open, while still remaining supportive of her and hoping for an eventual reconciliation? 1
smackie9 Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 Listen to her, and respect what she needs to do....therapy and recovery. Give her, her space, and sorry but you need to move on. I suspect it's not you she was really into but just the act of appreciation getting attention from someone....don't let this go to your head.....the fall is a long ways down.
d0nnivain Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 No matter how long you have had the crush, you still can't wait around while she tries to get her act together. 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, BeanCounter said: I’m trying to give her space and backing off, but does that mean it’s just over and move on? Sorry this happened, but that's all you can do. Don't reach out since she's given you the "it's me, not you" thing twice already. Edited May 28, 2021 by Wiseman2 2 1
flitzanu Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 i'm going to take the harsh road here. have you considered that maybe she just doesn't want to date YOU? the language all fits the usual "easy letdown" or "easy breakup" about how "it's not you, it's me" scenario. half could be that maybe in some point in the future she is ready for a relationship and you're the one, or, this is simply her way of trying to be nice and indicate that you're not the person she wants to date. 2
Author BeanCounter Posted May 28, 2021 Author Posted May 28, 2021 27 minutes ago, flitzanu said: i'm going to take the harsh road here. have you considered that maybe she just doesn't want to date YOU? the language all fits the usual "easy letdown" or "easy breakup" about how "it's not you, it's me" scenario. half could be that maybe in some point in the future she is ready for a relationship and you're the one, or, this is simply her way of trying to be nice and indicate that you're not the person she wants to date. It's not outside the realm of possibilities, and that was 100% how I felt the first time she cancelled in the past. And it's not that harsh, I can handle rejection when someone is clearly not interested. It just usually doesn't come directly after a night that we shared, where I'm very positive she enjoyed the night as much as I did.
dramafreezone Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 (edited) Can you find someone less complicated? Honestly, I just think you're a picker-upper for her. You help to maintain and boost her confidence. She can do all of this without having sex with you, so why would she do anything to change that? She's holding out for something better, that's what being in the friendzone is about. You're a backup. I think the best possible scenario with this current state of affairs is just waiting around until one day she says "well this is the best I can do" and she just relents on the friend front. Is that what you want? "It's not you, it's me" means that it's you. When she means by this is that I don't know why I don't like you, but I don't, but that's why it's "her." Don't take it personally. Most guys are friendzoned at one time or another. If she thinks she can do better, let her and find someone that can see your value as a romantic partner. Edited May 28, 2021 by dramafreezone
Author BeanCounter Posted May 28, 2021 Author Posted May 28, 2021 1 minute ago, dramafreezone said: Can you find someone less complicated? Honestly, I just think you're a picker-upper for her. You help to maintain and boost her confidence. She can do all of this without having sex with you, so why would she do anything to change that? She's holding out for something better, that's what being in the friendzone is about. You're a backup. I think the best possible scenario with this current state of affairs is just waiting around until one day she says "well this is the best I can do" and she just relents on the friend front. Is that what you want? Don't take it personally. Most guys are friendzoned at one time or another. If she thinks she can do better, let her and find someone that can see your value as a romantic partner. But we did have sex...And it was not disappointing for either of us, and I say that not bragging, because I'd be honest if I thought it was disappointing for her, I've had plenty of encounters that I could tell were for the woman. After the sex is when all of the downhill started though, almost like she broke down and won't allow herself to go towards a functional relationship. And she even mentioned that at one point, how f***ed up it was that being with a good, genuine person who she liked was a trigger for her to have a breakdown. I've been the backup a couple times in my life and spent time on the bench, and this does not feel like that... She also has dated very little in the time from when we talked 2 years ago until now, so it just leads me to believe that's not the case.
dramafreezone Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 6 minutes ago, BeanCounter said: But we did have sex...And it was not disappointing for either of us, and I say that not bragging, because I'd be honest if I thought it was disappointing for her, I've had plenty of encounters that I could tell were for the woman. After the sex is when all of the downhill started though, almost like she broke down and won't allow herself to go towards a functional relationship. And she even mentioned that at one point, how f***ed up it was that being with a good, genuine person who she liked was a trigger for her to have a breakdown. I've been the backup a couple times in my life and spent time on the bench, and this does not feel like that... She also has dated very little in the time from when we talked 2 years ago until now, so it just leads me to believe that's not the case. I've learned not to judge someone by what they say, but by what they do. If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you. In any event, do you want to be with someone who's life is in such turmoil? A well-adjusted woman would be like "wow, this guy is great for me, he's there for me, and the sex is great." The fact that all of that could be true and she would intentionally not choose that is a huge red flag. Maybe she doesn't feel she's worthy of a healthy relationship because she doesn't know how to participate in one, and her conscience is keeping her away from you as a kindness to you. Just a thought, but you may be like a moth to a flame in this situation.
divegrl Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 She will be back at some point. Who will be taking care of her during her surgery and recovery? Who will be taking care of the kids during this time period? I am only projecting here... as your story reminds me of myself. But she might just need some time to retreat a bit after being so vulnerable and intimate. I don’t think she can handle a healthy relationship right now or for a long time. How have her other relationships been?
Author BeanCounter Posted May 29, 2021 Author Posted May 29, 2021 4 hours ago, dramafreezone said: I've learned not to judge someone by what they say, but by what they do. If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you. In any event, do you want to be with someone who's life is in such turmoil? A well-adjusted woman would be like "wow, this guy is great for me, he's there for me, and the sex is great." The fact that all of that could be true and she would intentionally not choose that is a huge red flag. Maybe she doesn't feel she's worthy of a healthy relationship because she doesn't know how to participate in one, and her conscience is keeping her away from you as a kindness to you. Just a thought, but you may be like a moth to a flame in this situation. I understand that aspect, but the answer is yes, I would still love to be with this woman. I know haven't known her long enough to REALLY know her, but I also know I haven't had such easy and fun conversation about all things unimportant and important with another woman. I think that's why it's such a predicament for me -- if the truth is she is just waiting around and doesn't actually want to be with me at any point and wants to date other men, I can handle that but I'll walk away. If the truth is sincerely that she is dealing with a lot of s*** in her life, I don't honestly care if they are "red flags," I like her, and want to wait for her.
Author BeanCounter Posted May 29, 2021 Author Posted May 29, 2021 3 hours ago, divegrl said: She will be back at some point. Who will be taking care of her during her surgery and recovery? Who will be taking care of the kids during this time period? I am only projecting here... as your story reminds me of myself. But she might just need some time to retreat a bit after being so vulnerable and intimate. I don’t think she can handle a healthy relationship right now or for a long time. How have her other relationships been? She has her parents and her ex husband to help with the children. She's had other relationships, but been abused and cheated on in all 3 of her long term relationships + marriage. I do appreciate the fact that you said it reminds you of yourself, because it's somewhat reassuring that she can really be telling the truth, and is interested in me but just her own issues to work through still...And not the alternative, that she is just saying that to "let me down easy" and she really wants to just see other men. 1
LoopyLoop99 Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 girls are so bad like this so hot and cold. terrible lots of redflags.. she's a single mum? emotional baggage? you can do better mate.
LoopyLoop99 Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 22 minutes ago, BeanCounter said: She has her parents and her ex husband to help with the children. She's had other relationships, but been abused and cheated on in all 3 of her long term relationships + marriage. I do appreciate the fact that you said it reminds you of yourself, because it's somewhat reassuring that she can really be telling the truth, and is interested in me but just her own issues to work through still...And not the alternative, that she is just saying that to "let me down easy" and she really wants to just see other men. Really? All of her relationships she was abused and cheated on? This is a huge red flag.. yea i know some people are unlucky but cmon.. all of her ex's abused and cheated on her? please 1
LoopyLoop99 Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 - single mum - all her ex's abused and cheated on her - hot and cold behaviour - emotional baggage - victim mentality run far away. thank me later.
Soak Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 (edited) 12 minutes ago, LoopyLoop99 said: Really? All of her relationships she was abused and cheated on? This is a huge red flag.. yea i know some people are unlucky but cmon.. all of her ex's abused and cheated on her? please Gee, don't you sound like a charmer? Everybody has baggage, it's just a matter of whether a person determines whether the other person is worth working it through with or not. Edited May 29, 2021 by Soak
Alpacalia Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 34 minutes ago, BeanCounter said: She's had other relationships, but been abused and cheated on in all 3 of her long term relationships + marriage. Okay. That should be a red flag for you.
LoopyLoop99 Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 (edited) 6 minutes ago, Soak said: Gee, don't you sound like a charmer? Everybody has baggage, it's just a matter of whether a person determines whether the other person is worth working it through with or not. Nah it's a huge red flag.. you can't take someone seriously who says they were abused and cheated on in all their relationships what if they cheated on their partner first? what if they were abusive themselves? i've seen women play this victim role so many times only to realise that they themselves were the problem.. it's hilarious they say how bad their ex's are but leave out the parts that they played in it lmao! Edited May 29, 2021 by LoopyLoop99
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