Recovery from No Spark

[Alvi]

Firstly, give her a big credit for being honest and straightforward about her feeling. She didn't ghost you not did she try to fake her interest for you. She didn't leave you hanging. Good for her. Wish more people were like her since many believe that ghosting or slow fading is perfectly acceptable. Second, she sugar-coated her rejection quite nicely. Sure it still stings but she did it with class. 

I don't think you can recover from the rejection. This it usually it once someone tells you that they didn't feel any chemistry. It hurts, no doubt, but pick yourself up and go on. There will be other women in your life. If she doesn't fell it, then she doesn't feel it. Let it go. Last thing you want is to be her friend. 

I don't know why she felt lack of chemistry. Maybe it is because she didn't feel like you showed her any interest by not touching her. Or maybe not. Probably nothing you did that turned her off, she just didn't feel it. Next time, instead of just sitting and drinking a cup of coffee, go for a walk if a weather permits. Do something interactive if there are no Covid restrictions in your area. Like do some activity or even go for a walk in a park. It lets your personality shine more. Sitting and just having a cup of coffee is quite boring to be honest. Feels like an interview type of date, you want to avoid that.

[poppyfields]

I’m sorry Balin, but agree this is done.

It’s all about vibe/energy and it just wasn’t happening.  Energy/chemistry is something that’s generating between two people so I have to question what exactly you were/are feeling?

You said she’s hot, so I would venture to guess what you felt was physical attraction which is fine, but that’s different from genuine chemistry/energy happening between the both of you.

I have been where she is many times.  I’m out with a man, HE is feeling physical attraction based on appearance but for ME, it’s meh.  Not happening.  And when I turn him down for second, he’s confused, doesn’t understand because he was feeling something different – physical attraction based on appearance that he assumed meant more than it actually does.

On the date, I may be having fun, lots of laughs, good convo, but I have that with my friends.  When I am out with a man with whom I am feeling a strong energy/chemistry (i.e. spark), there is something called “sexual tension” that actually causes me to NOT interact as freely as I would otherwise.

So you’ve got it all backwards, you’re assuming her friendliness, touches etc meant she felt chemistry (i.e. that spark) with you, when it was the exact opposite.

If she had been feeling that romantic/sexual spark, the tension would have resulted in her becoming a bit nervous and shy even, I recall with one of my ex’s, the sexual tension was so thick, I could barely even speak!  

So let this one go, there’s nothing you could have done to change the outcome of this, I’m sorry.

 

Edited May 28, 2021 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

I highly doubt she gave much though to the use of "per se" and would "love" to meet again in her rejection messgaes. 

I see that as someone just cushioning the crappy news with some flowery words that she didn't analyze before sending. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, she was fine and your response was fine.

You want to give up the fantasy that you can control other people and their reactions.

BTW: most likely the reason you have problems touching on a date is because you're not recognizing that there is no chemistry between you and this other person. When there is chemistry, you will just sorta naturally touch the woman ... or she'll make it impossible not to touch her ... there will be so many awkward moments where not touching is harder than touching. 

Relax on the worry about technique. Sounds to me like you need to pay attention to chemistry. Yes it can be tricky reading the feelings of someone who has a naturally bubbly personality. 

[balin]

7 hours ago, poppyfields said:

If she had been feeling that romantic/sexual spark, the tension would have resulted in her becoming a bit nervous and shy even, I recall with one of my ex’s, the sexual tension was so thick, I could barely even speak! 

Wow that is a cool insight@poppyfields ! And thanks you and most are probably (maybe) right. Sure I was feeling so heavy with it yesterday. After a coffee date! Hey it was my second OLD coffee date so eyes wide open going forward lol 

 

 

Edited May 29, 2021 by balin

[Alpacalia]

14 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I felt 0 chemistry when l met my ex and 2nd date my head said *maybe* then 3rd date it said *l got to see this guy again*.

Me too.

But after the 2nd date I was like "MMMeow!"

 

[IntBrowser]

I would see her again,   its good to have a HOT platonic lady friend who can help get someone on her level.     

[elaine567]

8 minutes ago, IntBrowser said:

I would see her again,   its good to have a HOT platonic lady friend who can help get someone on her level.     

And when does that ever happen outwith H.S?
If you are not good enough for her, you are rarely good enough for her friends...
Who wants someone else's rejects?

[IntBrowser]

20 hours ago, elaine567 said:

And when does that ever happen outwith H.S?
If you are not good enough for her, you are rarely good enough for her friends...
Who wants someone else's rejects?

I dont think if I become friends with someone I will be presented as a reject lol       In order for someone to be your friend they have to like something about you

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, IntBrowser said:

I dont think if I become friends with someone I will be presented as a reject lol       In order for someone to be your friend they have to like something about you

You are still the guy she rejected though, her friends will know that too.

[balin]

6 hours ago, elaine567 said:

You are still the guy she rejected though, her friends will know that too.

Yes true. I have no interest in her bffs, only her.

I might send a "be there or be square" text on Tuesday, for a date on Thursday or Friday.

 

Edited May 30, 2021 by balin
Extra text not needed

[balin]

@poppyfields

Yes you are cool and you have mentioned 2 really good mantras.

- Detach yourself from the outcome - that sounds so far so obvious right! But it is so hard when you like someone

- It's all about the journey, not the destination

Solid I think I will ask her for another date. Open dining opens here June 7th so maybe midweek

[dramafreezone]

 

On 5/28/2021 at 7:54 PM, enigma32 said:

Once a woman announces to you that she has no spark or any desire for anything romantic for you, there is no real way to come back from that. Most likely, when she said she would love to see you again, she was just saying that to dull the pain of the rejection she gave you. A consolation prize that she would probably never actually give you. If she is truly willing to meet up with you again, the odds of you creating attraction when there is none is abysmally low. This doesn't even take into account the fact that she would lose a lot of respect for you for sticking around when she said she wasn't interested. No, just pick up your self esteem and move on completely. 

Well, I don't agree entirely that it's impossible to come back from.  In the short term yes, but someone that increases their desirability has a shot at re-attracting her or someone like her.  Through self-improvement, essentially you can be a different person eventually.

Of course it would depend on what turned her off, which he may never know.  All he can do is live his life, continue to date, gain more experience, continue to move upwards with regard to his career, etc.  All of the things that we men should be doing anyway.

@balin why are you thinking about asking her again?  She told you what the deal was, you're dead in the water right now.  You were not cold in your last text to her, it was perfect.  Leave it be and maybe sometime a year or two down the line she may see a "different you."  I think if you continue to press (after you spoke your truth) you would just be doing damage.

Edited May 30, 2021 by dramafreezone

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, balin said:

I might send a "be there or be square" text on Tuesday, for a date on Thursday or Friday.

Dude, no. 

Just don't. If I turned a guy down because I didn't feel a spark and then he asked me out again,  I would be wondering what exactly he didn't understand about that conversation. 

[balin]

Hey ExPat got you!

Ouch, that is all we can do oh.

[introverted1]

16 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

 

@balin why are you thinking about asking her again?  She told you what the deal was, you're dead in the water right now.  You were not cold in your last text to her, it was perfect.  Leave it be and maybe sometime a year or two down the line she may see a "different you."  I think if you continue to press (after you spoke your truth) you would just be doing damage.

Yep.  You will undo all the good from your last text if you message her again.

Right now, she is either unconcerned and disinterested, dating others and not thinking about you OR possibly slightly intrigued that you had the confidence to just walk away when she wasn't offering what you wanted.  If it's the former, you're dead in the water regardless.  If it's the latter, there's a possibility (slight) that she will circle back to you at some point.  If you reach out to her now, you will just confirm that you 1) didn't hear her; 2) have no self-respect; and 3) are willing to be used by her.

[balin]

I am tempted to message saying something like. "Ow I hate leaving it like this. You are very cool and I'd like to see you again". No?

Edited May 31, 2021 by balin

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, balin said:

I am tempted to message saying something like. "Ow I hate leaving it like this. You are really cool and I'd really like to see you again". No?

Leaving it like what? 

Why not start talking to and meeting others?

[balin]

Leaving it without seeing her again. I like her and maybe its just a bump in the road. I know I know, its supposed to be plain sailing in the early part.

Edited May 31, 2021 by balin

[Wiseman2]

On 5/27/2021 at 6:57 PM, balin said:

.She said today that she didn't feel the spark 

Why ask her out again after she had the integrity to tell you she is not interested in dating?

You need to move on.  Being a pest or stalker won't make this happen but it may make her block you.

It's silly to chase someone like this when you could invest your time better meeting other women.

[balin]

Yer I am and will. I'm just having a whinge I guess.

[introverted1]

57 minutes ago, balin said:

I am tempted to message saying something like. "Ow I hate leaving it like this. You are very cool and I'd like to see you again". No?

No.

[Sun Seeker]

1 hour ago, balin said:

I am tempted to message saying something like. "Ow I hate leaving it like this. You are very cool and I'd like to see you again". No?

Who cares what you want? She does not want to see you again. She made that clear. It needs to be a two way thing, not just what you want.

I'm confused how from everyone telling you to move on, you came to your own conclusion that you should message her again.

[Gaeta]

Just now, Punterxx said:

Who cares what you want? She does not want to see you again. She made that clear.

She said she'd LOVE to see him again TWICE.

[Sun Seeker]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

She said she'd LOVE to see him again TWICE.

As friends in a non romantic way, which is a waste of time. She knows that, and was being polite. She does not actually want/care to see him again.