Recovery from No Spark

[d0nnivain]

9 minutes ago, balin said:

I heard about it here

And I mean general physical contact which she was doing.

The fact that you didn't mirror her touch is not what doomed this.  Cut yourself a break on that score. 

[balin]

28 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

kino" is absolute BS.  I have to already like you to let you touch me. If I don't like you & you touch, I'm gonna bite your head off, move out of arms length, call you out on your unwelcome touching, possibly leave & if you don't cut it out, make a huge scene.   A man can't win a woman over by pawing at her.

Right I regret using that word now. 

It was her that kept touching my arm/shoulder for emphasis. And I was thinking I should have been a bit more responsive physically.

I know this was a very public coffee date but she was very informal and familiar and it felt like we were already chums.

Thats why I feel a bit sad to not ever see her again and am wondering if it can be salvaged.

 

Edited May 28, 2021 by balin

[elaine567]

I think yes she was touching you and yes you maybe didn't do enough reciprocation, but there may have been many other reasons as to why she felt no spark.
Some women are very touchy feely even with guys they have no interest in, maybe she friendzoned you from the off, sometimes the whole vibe doesn't gel, sometimes they get home analyse the whole date and decide against you.
Sometimes there are other factors at play - never got over an ex, you are not really her type, she is speaking to another guy and likes him better, maybe she has no time to date, maybe she just wants people to hang about with... etc. etc.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, balin said:

Thats why I feel a bit sad to not ever see her again and am wondering if it can be salvaged.

There's nothing to salvage, though. 

She doesn't feel attracted to you. If you don't liste to what she's telling you, you'll wind up making a pest of yourself and you don't want that. It's disappointing, for sure, but it's not worth pursuing. Save that for a woman who is excited about you. 

[balin]

I know. 

I think our last messages were probably correct and everything.

Its just my last message was a bit uncharacteristically cold sounding, like a rebuttal of friendship, even though I tried to make it not seem like that. And I feel lousy.

Jeez she really got to me. I could nearly feel cupids arrow while we were talking. Gawd lol. Oh man.

[Fletch Lives]

When they say there is no spark it's over. 

[Gaeta]

Gosh since when men give up so easily.

She said she would meet again. I've never heard that before, usually it's let's keep in touch or let's stay friends but she said none of that.

I felt 0 chemistry when l met my ex and 2nd date my head said *maybe* then 3rd date it said *l got to see this guy again*.

[Alpacalia]

12 hours ago, Gaeta said:

It may rarely happen with men but it does with women. 

I agree.

A spark is a rapid burst of heat, but romantic chemistry can take the form of a physical, emotional, or even intellectual connection.

So it's possible that she finds you particularly interesting or physically attractive, which is why she wants to go on a second date with you.

But it's a different story if she's not at all attracted to you.

 

[elaine567]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I felt 0 chemistry when l met my ex and 2nd date my head said *maybe* then 3rd date it said *l got to see this guy again*.

The difference being, you may have felt no spark after the first date, but you didn't say it.
Had you said it, then who could have blamed your ex if he had not wanted to date you further.

I think it is fairly common for some to think early doors there is nothing really there for them to change their minds afterwards.
BUT saying there is no spark out loud to someone, is saying  "I am not interested in you in a romantic way.

[introverted1]

 

50 minutes ago, balin said:

Its just my last message was a bit uncharacteristically cold sounding, like a rebuttal of friendship, even though I tried to make it not seem like that. And I feel lousy.

Woman here.

I think your last message was perfect.  It is the only response that would leave me respecting you. Because, realistically, a woman doesn't want/need a friend who will be constantly hoping her feelings will change, or looking at her with wistful eyes all the time.  Friendships, like any other relationship, need to be balanced.

Also, I tend to be quite animated on dates and might touch your shoulder, etc. to make a point, if I am enjoying myself.  That doesn't necessarily mean that I am attracted romantically, but that if I am out for a outing, I try to enjoy it.  So unless the guy is really awful, I probably seem enthusiastic, as your woman did. 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I felt 0 chemistry when l met my ex and 2nd date my head said *maybe* then 3rd date it said *l got to see this guy again*.

The difference being, you may have felt no spark after the first date, but you didn't say it.
Had you said it, then who could have blamed your ex if he had not wanted to date you further.

I think it is fairly common for some to think early doors there is nothing really there, for them to change their minds afterwards.
BUT saying "there is no spark" out loud to someone, is saying  "I am not interested in you in a romantic way.

[Gaeta]

14 hours ago, balin said:

Her: Thanks for such a charming message, such a lovely start to my day!
 It was truly great to meet you too yesterday I enjoyed our chats and banter..
yes I would love to meet again but if I am to be honest with myself (and with you too of course importantly) I didn't feel a 'romantic' spark per say... but like I said above I would like to meet again for fun and chats if you would, but I do understand if not!

Stop concentrating on the no spark and read between the lines here.

She said TWICE she'd love to meet again. 

Then she said the didn't feel a romantic spark per say. I may not master the English language like you all but that *per say* to me means there is room for change.

[Andy_K]

I think your response is the mistake here, not your actions/inactions on the date.

You told her you were keen, she's put the brakes on. She is at best on the fence about you, but so what? She was happy enough to see you again. There's always a chance she'll start to change her mind if you're both interaction without the 'pressure' of it being a date. Also if a woman likes you as a friend and knows you're a decent guy and looking to date, there's every chance she's going to try to introduce you to her single friends. And being pre-approved will give you about a 500% higher chance of success there

[d0nnivain]

I like optimism & am a romantic. So let's give meaningful consideration to @Gaeta's perspective.  

If this woman is open to meeting again, what have you got to lose?  It may be a valid shot to turn this around.  If you go, greet her with a cheek kiss & read the situation.  Worst case scenario you blow a few hours.   Do not go in with your hopes up but it's better than sitting home.  

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Then she said the didn't feel a romantic spark per say. I may not master the English language like you all but that *per say* to me means there is room for change.

Per se’, is a Latin term which literally means, “by itself”, “in itself” or “of itself”.
Per say is a common misspelling.

[Andy_K]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Per se’, is a Latin term which literally means, “by itself”, “in itself” or “of itself”.
Per say is a common misspelling.

I'd strongly consider not seeing her again just for the spelling mistake

Edited May 28, 2021 by Andy_K

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

Per se’, is a Latin term which literally means, “by itself”, “in itself” or “of itself”.
Per say is a common misspelling.

In itself: considered separately from other things

Could mean when she considers ALL things together the feeling could be different.

I may be stretching it.

But I still think she did not entirely close the door. 

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, Andy_K said:

I'd strongly consider not seeing her again just for the spelling mistake

That as my first thought too...

[norealusername]

I agree with elaine. You wouldn't come out and tell someone you're not feeling the spark. That, to me, is straight rejection.

I can see the OP is dwelling on this, thinking he had a chance if he hung in there. Go ahead and contact her again if it's going to bother you. I think you'll end up being disappointed again. You left with your dignity intact before. If this doesn't work, you'll lose that, you'll be her beta male platonic guy friend lusting after her.

[ShyViolet]

Our society socializes women to dance around men's feelings and to be deferential to men.  She straight up told you that she didn't feel a romantic spark.  The fact that she said she would still be open to hanging out again anyway sounds like she feels obligated to soften the blow and say something that still sounds nice and agreeable.  "But I would totally understand if not!"-- this sounds a bit like she's hoping in the back of her mind that you won't take her up on it.  She's hoping that you get the message and take the hint.  

Listen to what she has said.  She told you she didn't feel a romantic spark.  That is not something that people say if they are interested.  I don't understand why you would still pursue this woman or hold out hope that there's a chance.  Don't be dense... save your efforts for someone who actually is excited about you and shows clear interest.

Edited May 28, 2021 by ShyViolet

[balin]

Omg lots to think upon. 

I've painted myself into a bit of a corner now though haven't I. Why did I have to include the platonic bit.

However "...but I do understand if not." She kind of outlines the word Friends without mentioning it.

 

Edited May 28, 2021 by balin

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, balin said:

However "...but I do understand if not." She kind of outlines the word Friends without mentioning it.

 

When a woman knows she'll never be attracted enough to kiss you she will be quick to throw the word 'friend' back at you. 

[elaine567]

48 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

When a woman knows she'll never be attracted enough to kiss you she will be quick to throw the word 'friend' back at you. 

BUT she actually did, by saying she felt no "romantic" spark.
No romance = friend or more likely, Bye, Bye...

[mark clemson]

I'm not dating, but my read FWIW is that she indeed felt no spark but then your slightly over the top text gave you "validation points" and so she is/was willing to let you take her out again to sing her praises and possibly continue sending ego-boosting texts to her.

So I think she's primarily up for that. Whether "fun and chats" (her words) could theoretically develop into something more is anyone's guess.

Speaking generally, when someone who starts with a romantic interest friendzones you, they tend to mean it. So I think that your chances of this turning into something more are NOT good here, while your chances of wasting time, energy, and possibly some money as an "orbiter" if you pursue this are quite high. I do think your romantic texting skills got you a 2% chance perhaps of turning this into something else. Some people respond strongly to this sort of thing.

Edited May 28, 2021 by mark clemson

[salparadise]

5 hours ago, introverted1 said:

I think your last message was perfect.  It is the only response that would leave me respecting you.

Exactly — or you respecting yourself. Playing footsies after what she said to you, as if allowing you buy her another meal (or hangout) is some kind of consolation... or that she presumes herself to be so alluring, and you so desperate, that you’d grovel to spend another hour appreciating her... this is just weak, man. Never give away your dignity and self respect like that. You said the right thing. Walk away and don’t look back. 

Edited May 28, 2021 by salparadise