balin Posted May 27, 2021 Posted May 27, 2021 (edited) Hey Can you see if there any recovery from this. I met a great woman yesterday evening for a coffee date I had been chatting with for a couple of weeks. Not many messages like 1 each per day, if that. That's perfect. She said today that she didn't feel the spark and her text is very a gentle let down. Will ye check the texts and see. I really like her and felt a good connection but I was hopeless at making it it physical in the form of kino and touch in the place which was sitting in a busy sunny city cente area. think I might have ballsed it up there. Or it could have been any of many other reasons, but she seemed really interested and keen and she touched my arm a few times when chatting. Here are the texts this morning (better not be reading this forum:-)): And please feel free to criticise every word. Me: Hey *** wonderful to meet you yesterday, you brought the summer with you *emoji* You are great fun to be with, I really enjoyed the chat and you looked amazing. Let's meet again soon. Her: Thanks for such a charming message, such a lovely start to my day! It was truly great to meet you too yesterday I enjoyed our chats and banter.. yes I would love to meet again but if I am to be honest with myself (and with you too of course importantly) I didn't feel a 'romantic' spark per say... but like I said above I would like to meet again for fun and chats if you would, but I do understand if not! Me: Hi ***, thanks for responding and being honest. Appreciate the time you spent writing that. That's a shame. You're a smashing person and I really like you but I don't think platonic would be a good idea. Again thanks, best wishes and happy hunting. Best, *** x Her: You too *** X So that's it I guess yeah? A male and female friend have said that my response was too harsh or hurt because she clearly like me and wants to hang out again but I was trying to be as respectful as possible, while ruling out the friendzone. I was going to put "I don't think I could handle the platonic because..." or some such. But I do really like her and she likes me, I think, depending on what other things might have swayed her decision. I went to bed going damn it was a very public coffee date but she was nudging me and I should have touched her more or rolled around and found reason too etc. Is it dead in the water? Is there a reach out possible in the next few weeks? Edited May 27, 2021 by balin
Gaeta Posted May 27, 2021 Posted May 27, 2021 She said she would see you again I don't know why you assumed it meant there was no chance at all for attraction to grow over 2-3 dates. It may rarely happen with men but it does with women. How to recover from that? Don't wait a few weeks!! She will have met plenty of other men by then and you'll just be an annoyance. My advice to you is to contact her and say after considering you'd like to see her without any pressure. Do NOT say the word 'friend' or 'friendship'. Then on that same communication invite her to do something on X day. You have nothing to lose. 3
Author balin Posted May 27, 2021 Author Posted May 27, 2021 But she mentioned she didn't feel a spark. That's usually pretty final no? As in, a dump. Like what you are suggesting Gaeta
ShyViolet Posted May 27, 2021 Posted May 27, 2021 She has texted you that she didn't feel a romantic spark. She then softens it up with the cliche "maybe we can still hang out as friends" (this is almost never what they actually want to do, they just feel obligated to say it as a consolation prize). If she was interested, she wouldn't be texting you saying that she didn't feel a spark. That is not something that people say when they are interested. Preserve your dignity and don't pester this woman. You should just leave it alone and move on. 8
dramafreezone Posted May 27, 2021 Posted May 27, 2021 (edited) I think she was honest and told you that she doesn't see you romantically, when many women won't come out and tell you. I would be grateful that you got an honest answer. If she's told you this, I think she's made her decision and disqualified you as a romantic partner, and is inviting you to the friendzone. If you're ok with being a friend, accept her invitation but I would say that the romantic possibility here is gone. I think if she was truly on the fence and you had a chance, she would not have even mentioned that there wasn't a spark, because she wouldn't know for sure. FWIW I think you handled the response perfectly as well. Edited May 27, 2021 by dramafreezone 5 1
basil67 Posted May 27, 2021 Posted May 27, 2021 She was clear about not seeing a romantic future with you, and as such, your response was perfect. You used good boundaries in a respectful manner. 3
norealusername Posted May 27, 2021 Posted May 27, 2021 I think you handled it perfectly. She basically rejected you. Your response was perfect. I also doubt she really wanted to hang out and chat again, she was just being nice. Even if she did want to meet again, she already friendzoned you, so you would never get anywhere with her. 3
glows Posted May 27, 2021 Posted May 27, 2021 You interpreted it just fine and answered well too. She's not interested in anything romance-related (no spark). If what you're looking for is to date, don't contact her again. 1
Author balin Posted May 28, 2021 Author Posted May 28, 2021 The bit 1 hour ago, balin said: I didn't feel a 'romantic' spark per say... but like I said above I would like to meet again for fun and chats if you would, but I do understand if not! She is I think also referring to shyness on my part, which is fixable. Hey first meet, Jesus.
basil67 Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 Sorry, I don't see anything about you being shy. However, if you feel that shyness is a problem, perhaps it's something to work on. Perhaps Toastmasters?
lonelyplanetmoon Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 Truthfully if a woman says this so early on, immediately after meeting, it means she is not attracted to you. Or rather in a space where she can become attracted to you. ‘Now attraction is not about you not being good enough but rather her ability to look past some superficial things and try to “reach” you before making a conclusion about you. ‘I would next her as not being mature enough for a relationship.
Ami1uwant Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 This is something she should not have said. if the first meet goes well and you have a good conversation, have a second meet up and see. Don’t be judging thus by spark because many relationships did not start after a few hours. Instead it took a few meets to develop something. by her saying this...even if you do meet the initiation will be on her if this is going to be something. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 6 hours ago, balin said: But I do really like her and she likes me, No, not in the way you hoped. It sucks but it is a non-starter for her. The offer to be friends should not be taken too seriously. She's trying to soften the blow. I don't think shyness is part of the equation here. She's just not romantically attracted; not much you can about that. I would not contact her again. 2
chillii Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 l agree with most and she was nice about it too, honest and up front . She wasn't feeling it op shyness or not, there's much more to these things and she'd be patient with that if she was feeling it but , l'm afraid not. l think you did the right thing checking out of it. 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 7 hours ago, balin said: I was hopeless at making it it physical in the form of kino and touch Your response was fine. Unfortunately one-and-done meetings are common. It would be a good idea to stop reading all that pick-up artist rubbish about touch barrier, building attraction, etc. As you saw first hand that PUA attitude backfired. 2
Sun Seeker Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 100% dead in the water. She is not interested and does not want to see you again, she was just being polite. Next. 4
Calmandfocused Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 (edited) There are billions of women on the planet. Why are you desperate to see one again who is not romantically interested in you? Look, it sucks that her feelings weren’t reciprocated but you want a woman to be excited about a second date with you. This one isn’t. Instead she’s offering you a “Booby Prize” Don’t sell yourself short mate. Move on. Edited May 28, 2021 by Calmandfocused 1
Author balin Posted May 28, 2021 Author Posted May 28, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: It would be a good idea to stop reading all that pick-up artist rubbish about touch barrier, building attraction, etc. Well it's more she was doing it, reached and touched my arm 6-8 times while we were chatting and laughing, sitting next to each other separated by cardboard coffee cups, no table. I only did at meet up and leaving. I felt after that if I had been more touchy and playful too while chatting it might have panned out different. Edited May 28, 2021 by balin
Wiseman2 Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 (edited) 6 minutes ago, balin said: if I had been more touchy and playful too while chatting it might have panned out different. See that's exactly the brainwashing nonsense from reading PUA garbage. If you were more of a clown or tried to paw her up on a coffee meet, things would be different because PUA rubbish tells you that's how you "build attraction". Wrong. Attraction is gut level. It just wasn't there in this case and that happens all the time. Don't take it personally. Edited May 28, 2021 by Wiseman2 2
Author balin Posted May 28, 2021 Author Posted May 28, 2021 But I don't even read PUA. And she was the one pawing me up, and maybe I didnt respond sufficiently. Goddammit. I shouldn't care but she was hot and cool AF.
elaine567 Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 10 hours ago, balin said: I was hopeless at making it it physical in the form of kino 34 minutes ago, balin said: But I don't even read PUA. Really??? "Kino is one of the most powerful nonverbal ways of communicating with a woman. It is one of the main pillars of seduction and key tool in the PUA’s toolbox." 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 The bottom line is if you are going to do OLD, you're going to have to get used to one-and-done meetings as well as ghosting, timewasters and other assorted nonsense.. You'll need a thicker skin and don't take anything personally. The key is to move on if it fizzled out. 4
d0nnivain Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 (edited) 55 minutes ago, balin said: I felt after that if I had been more touchy and playful too while chatting it might have panned out different. Nope. Your behavior was fine. For whatever reason she just didn't like the look of you; you didn't float her boat. She was engaging while you were together because she has good social skills. You wanted more & hoped those touches meant something. She knows herself well enough to know that if she wasn't lusting for you immediately, the feeling wouldn't grow over time. I'm like that to. The spark has to be instant or it never comes. Over time my like for a friend can deepen & lust can turn to love but banal friendship never turns romantic. A guy's behavior can't turn me on; it can only turn me off. You did nothing wrong & you had zero ability to change the outcome. Let her go. "kino" is absolute BS. I have to already like you to let you touch me. If I don't like you & you touch, I'm gonna bite your head off, move out of arms length, call you out on your unwelcome touching, possibly leave & if you don't cut it out, make a huge scene. A man can't win a woman over by pawing at her. Edited May 28, 2021 by d0nnivain 2
Author balin Posted May 28, 2021 Author Posted May 28, 2021 (edited) 10 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Really??? "Kino is one of the most powerful nonverbal ways of communicating with a woman. It is one of the main pillars of seduction and key tool in the PUA’s toolbox." I heard about it here And I mean general physical contact which she was doing. Edited May 28, 2021 by balin
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