Author Warmer Posted May 30, 2021 Author Posted May 30, 2021 Just now, Wiseman2 said: Is this more text from your conversation or a response? I was responding to you.
MsJayne Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 I'm a bit late to enter the discussion, but I had to put my two cents worth in because I see a different point of view. I see why it irritated her that you made an assumption about some random couple you met, it's isn't anything to do with the couple, it's about the fact that your own relationship isn't happy. I suspect that she's probably thinking. "Wow, you can supposedly spot 'happy' in some couple you chat to for 30 seconds but you don't know how to apply 'happy' to your own relationship". Perhaps if you were as positive and warm about your relationship with her as you were with two complete strangers you might get a different type of feedback from her. I actually agree with her that making assumptions about people you don't know, (and raving on about them), is foolish, and also, that particular personality trait, of being kinder and more charitable towards strangers than you are with your own familiars, is a trait that poisons relationships. 2
Author Warmer Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 (edited) 9 hours ago, MsJayne said: I'm a bit late to enter the discussion, but I had to put my two cents worth in because I see a different point of view. I see why it irritated her that you made an assumption about some random couple you met, it's isn't anything to do with the couple, it's about the fact that your own relationship isn't happy. I suspect that she's probably thinking. "Wow, you can supposedly spot 'happy' in some couple you chat to for 30 seconds but you don't know how to apply 'happy' to your own relationship". Perhaps if you were as positive and warm about your relationship with her as you were with two complete strangers you might get a different type of feedback from her. I actually agree with her that making assumptions about people you don't know, (and raving on about them), is foolish, and also, that particular personality trait, of being kinder and more charitable towards strangers than you are with your own familiars, is a trait that poisons relationships. Even if she thinks it is foolish to assume (it isn't and doesnt matter because I don't know them they don't affect my life) I didn't deserve to be talked down to and made to feel like an idiot over it. I recently made her a 4 minute video of us, our travels and the animals we helped. I wrote her some words in it too it was very romantic I worked on it for over 20 hours. I also asked her for photos because my mum wanted some of us to put up in her house. We were happy and very excited to see each other in June there was no reason for her to talk down to me. I should be able to have my own thoughts and not be spoken to with contempt because she disagrees with it. I said they "seem" like a happy couple it doesn't matter to me if they are or not as I don't even know them it was just a passing comment I didn't want a long conversation about them. I wasn't raving about them she could of just said oh okay but she tried to make out like I am dumb f*** so I had to defend why I thought they seemed happy. I should of just walked from it the moment she started being funny. I haven't been kinder or more charitable towards strangers I stopped and talked to them for 4 minutes I talk to her everyday for over an hour or more. This is the thing I try and make her feel secure in the relationship by telling her how much I love her etc and how amazing June is going to be but she blindsides me with unesssary contempt. I wouldn't mind because nobody is perfect and it doesn't change how I feel about her but the fact I asked her to stop because it hurt me and she continued when she is suppose to care about me. Then the fact she doesn't acknowledge it so I have to accept being disrespected it puts me in a bad position. Edited May 31, 2021 by Warmer 1
basil67 Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 (edited) 15 hours ago, Warmer said: Wow I just offered her a ladder out of her hole and she threw it in my face. Need to talk to you Ok 5 min Ok First Do you need to talk to me about anything? (etc etc) I have no idea what you were trying to achieve here, but your approach was passive aggressive AF. An absolutely hideous piece of communication on your part. You previously had my sympathies, but I now see that your communication is on a similar level to your girlfriend. If you start a communication by stating that you need to talk, then YOU talk. Don't say that you need to talk and then pin them down, and get mad and accusatory when they don't know what to say. 1 hour ago, Warmer said: Then the fact she doesn't acknowledge it so I have to accept being disrespected it puts me in a bad position. You only have to accept it if you choose to stay. Leaving is an option. Nobody is holding you hostage. Edited May 31, 2021 by basil67 2 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 5 minutes ago, basil67 said: your approach was passive aggressive AF. An absolutely hideous piece of communication on your part. Agree. Just have the courage to pull the plug before you get too abusive about it. 1
Author Warmer Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 39 minutes ago, basil67 said: I have no idea what you were trying to achieve here, but your approach was passive aggressive AF. An absolutely hideous piece of communication on your part. You previously had my sympathies, but I now see that your communication is on a similar level to your girlfriend. If you start a communication by stating that you need to talk, then YOU talk. Don't say that you need to talk and then pin them down, and get mad and accusatory when they don't know what to say. You only have to accept it if you choose to stay. Leaving is an option. Nobody is holding you hostage. You misunderstood I was asking what was on her mind so I could put things right on my part. She told me she needed to talk to me but that she couldn't because I was spiteful which I wasn't. So I told her I am here to listen to her etc. It wasn't about pinning her down it was about letting her speak her mind and I didn't even get mad either. She started all this she has no intentions of owning up to it. She will not admit to disrespecting me because if she does then it becomes a fact she disrespected me. She is gonna leave it as my pov against hers cause if she admits to it then it becomes an agreed fact and I've got that on my side in future so she's not gonna do that. It's her word against mine whether she disrespected me she doesn't think so she says sorry cause I feelvshe did disrespect me but she's not admitting it just saying it's my opinion but not hers. She doesn't want to confront it and now she is stonewalling me. 32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Agree. Just have the courage to pull the plug before you get too abusive about it. It's not passive aggressive to try and talk to someone who previously said they need to talk to me but feel they can't. Im trying to salvage the relationship. I don't want it to break up but I can't let her just get away with everything all the trouble and s*** she threw at me she gets away with it and she's still doing it.
basil67 Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 1 minute ago, Warmer said: You misunderstood I was asking what was on her mind so I could put things right on my part. She told me she needed to talk to me but that she couldn't because I was spiteful which I wasn't You didn't tell her that you wanted to know what was on her mind so you could put it right. I can't even find that by reading between the lines. It simply doesn't read this way at all. Telling her "OK, so it's you who can't talk" was spiteful and argumentative on your part...and sounded mad. Again, it was a really awful piece of communication on your part. 1 minute ago, Warmer said: She will not admit to disrespecting me because if she does then it becomes a fact she disrespected me. She is gonna leave it as my pov against hers cause if she admits to it then it becomes an agreed fact and I've got that on my side in future so she's not gonna do that. It's her word against mine whether she disrespected me she doesn't think so she says sorry cause I feelvshe did disrespect me but she's not admitting it just saying it's my opinion but not hers. She doesn't want to confront it and now she is stonewalling me. No, she will not admit to it because she doesn't believe she disrespected you. Honestly, you're as bad as her right now. 1 minute ago, Warmer said: It's not passive aggressive to try and talk to someone who previously said they need to talk to me but feel they can't. Im trying to salvage the relationship. I don't want it to break up but I can't let her just get away with everything all the trouble and s*** she threw at me she gets away with it and she's still doing it. It's passive aggressive to say you want to talk, then demand an answer right now and then rudely criticise them because they aren't ready at that given moment in time. Not to mention, having the discussion on text - which has to be the world's worst method of communication. All in all, you've just done exactly the same thing she did. You've been accidentally disrespectful in communication and are completely refusing to own it. 1
Author Warmer Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, basil67 said: You didn't tell her that you wanted to know what was on her mind so you could put it right. I can't even find that by reading between the lines. It simply doesn't read this way at all. Telling her "OK, so it's you who can't talk" was spiteful and argumentative on your part...and sounded mad. Again, it was a really awful piece of communication on your part. No, she will not admit to it because she doesn't believe she disrespected you. Honestly, you're as bad as her right now. It's passive aggressive to say you want to talk, then demand an answer right now and then rudely criticise them because they aren't ready at that given moment in time. Not to mention, having the discussion on text - which has to be the world's worst method of communication. All in all, you've just done exactly the same thing she did. You've been accidentally disrespectful in communication and are completely refusing to own it. The thing is it should be her who is putting this right I'm done trying any longer. She calls treating me with contempt and ignoring that she was hurting me a small thing. She uses reverse psychogy saying she wants me to be happy and apparently she isn't the woman that can make me happy instead of validating my feelings. She said I am over reacting just because she was a "sceptic on my evaluation of that couple" it's bullshit she tried to make me feel like a dumb f*** and she will never admit it but instead try and get me to think it was nothing instead so that means in future she can say oh come on you know you over react like last time etc. I started a conversation the other day asking what's been on her mind she she doesnt know. Also day before she said she lost touch of her feelings and that she can't talk to me so that's why I came on to say she can talk I am listening I'm not looking to fight etc. I didn't mean it passive aggressive at all and if she had of asked me I would of put it right saying I didn't mean it bad. Yeah maybe over voice it would of come out better as she just assumes I'm angry. She said she can't talk to me because of me but when I told her I am listening she still said she couldn't talk so I meant okay yeah it's you who can't talk cause I'm here listening. I didn't mean it in a bad tone it was more of a question. When she said she can't talk because she put a wall up I admit that annoyed me because it should be me having a wall up after the way she spoke to me and refuses to acknowledge it. And I'm the one trying to salvage the relationship she just stonewalls me. She hasn't initiated any conversation with me for 10 days since the fight. This is the last effort/message I'm sending, I'm going no contact now as I tried to salvage it. She knows but will never admit she disrespected me. That's the issue cause it means she will get away with it and it will only get worse for me. Quote The way that I see it is you can either acknlowdge the problem you caused between us or if that is too much to ask for we call it a day. I asked you to talk so I could put things right but since you can't I will try and put some things right for you. I will acknowedge some things I said. You also got disrespected that night, I was hurt but I was also harsh and disrespected you back and for that I apologize. I am not embarrassed by you, only the fights - sometimes. I was happy in this rs look at that video I made I was not going off hope I was just hoping for some plain sailing. I know you want me to just get over what was said and you believe it's simple but it's not so easy. I have boundaries where I can't accept being treated with disrespect for expressing an innocent opinion. That doesn't always happen as people aren't perfect but they should acknowledge they were wrong otherwise I have to accept being treated with contempt and that is disrespecting myself. Appreciate that you disrespected me outside of a fight because you always say what is said in fights is easier to forgive as it is said out of anger and usually no truth to it. Whereas we weren't fighting I only expressed an opinion and I was treated with contempt for it so it made me feel like you have a low opinion of me especially when I asked you to stop it made me feel like you don't care about me. You say the words you said shouldn't make me feel hurt and that I can feel critisized but I'm taking it too far. But contempt is worse than being critisized it's the biggest predictor of failed relationships. It is an attack on my sense of self. "Marriage is a partnership between two individuals to create a life together. If there is contempt present, rather than drawing the partners closer, it will cause a rift that sometimes cannot be healed. Contempt leads to and escalates conflict. It’s difficult to resolve any problem when one person is getting the message that their opinion doesn't matter. Further, if one person is being belittled or led to believe their partner sees them as inferior – what reason do they have to work to reconcile?" I'm scared it will happen again in the future when I pass on an opinion or information about my day. I want to be treated with respect and as much as I love you and value this relationship I am willing to walk away if you can't acknlowedge how you treated me as that means nothing will change. Edited May 31, 2021 by Warmer
basil67 Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 If your goal in sending that message is to end the relationship, I think it will serve the purpose. Though that's probably the best outcome for both of you. I hope your next relationship brings you more peace.
Author Warmer Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 (edited) 32 minutes ago, basil67 said: If your goal in sending that message is to end the relationship, I think it will serve the purpose. Though that's probably the best outcome for both of you. I hope your next relationship brings you more peace. I want to start a clean slate with her and forget about it but I can't let her get away with it she will only use it against me in future. If she would rather choose her pride over us but not admitting she was wrong then I'm better off without her. If that wasn't real and I trusted her 99.9% then I'm never gonna trust someone again. Thanks for all of your advice. Edited May 31, 2021 by Warmer
basil67 Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 You can't force someone to see something your way. This letter will not solve a thing. If anything, it will only further exacerbate the situation. As I said earlier, you have two choices: Either let it go or end the relationship. 1
Author Warmer Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 27 minutes ago, basil67 said: You can't force someone to see something your way. This letter will not solve a thing. If anything, it will only further exacerbate the situation. As I said earlier, you have two choices: Either let it go or end the relationship. I know you're right but I thought I didn't want to end it but I also didn't want to let it go because if I do that then it means she was right all along and I made a big deal out of nothing. It means she got away with disrespecting me when she knows that she did it but won't admit it. So I gave her two choices either admit it or end the relationship. She didn't reply so she is still stonewalling me so obviously she doesn't want to take on the issue. I know she is never going to admit it and each day that passes she is less likely to admit it so I'm trying to let go of this rs and it is hurting already.
basil67 Posted May 31, 2021 Posted May 31, 2021 You're still missing the point. You can't make someone feel something they don't feel. Calling it quits in a dignified manner (Not rehashing issues, but simply saying "I feel our differences cannot be overcome") would have shone you in a far greater light than rolling around in the mud like you are now.
Author Warmer Posted May 31, 2021 Author Posted May 31, 2021 (edited) 24 minutes ago, basil67 said: You're still missing the point. You can't make someone feel something they don't feel. Calling it quits in a dignified manner (Not rehashing issues, but simply saying "I feel our differences cannot be overcome") would have shone you in a far greater light than rolling around in the mud like you are now. I can't make someone admit something they did. There is no way she feels she was being respectful she absolutely was not. That would of been better but I'm not good at stuff like this but least I know I tried to salvage it. I only wanted my feelings validated I can't believe she won't admit that she was wrong not even to salvage the rs. I believe she knows she was wrong but refuses to admit. I can't force and don't want to have to force someone to admit their wrongs but I also don't want to let her get away with it because then she will never respect me ever again anyways. It just puts me in a no win either way. Edited May 31, 2021 by Warmer
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted June 1, 2021 Posted June 1, 2021 How often do you pay her compliments, regarding your relationship? If not often, maybe she felt offended that you went out of your way to compliment complete strangers on theirs.
Author Warmer Posted June 1, 2021 Author Posted June 1, 2021 6 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: How often do you pay her compliments, regarding your relationship? If not often, maybe she felt offended that you went out of your way to compliment complete strangers on theirs. She felt jealous and even so she could bring it up respectfully without talking down to me and she could of put things right when I asked her to stop and told her it made me feel s***. Also I didn't complement strangers I merely mentioned they seemed a happy couple because they are also vegan so it was nice to meet a vegan couple which is quite rare. I don't go around paying paying friends compliments regarding our friendships we just have great times together and we're there for one another. If you treat your partner good listen to them create sexual attraction make them laugh and you're there for them you can compliment the relationship bit you shouldn't need to. I give her compliments when she looks good etc I just didn't deserve the way she spoke to me it was so passive aggressive and belittling. She still hasn't replied still stonewalling. If she can treat me with such contempt and not put things right she didn't care 2 weeks ago so why would she now.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted June 1, 2021 Posted June 1, 2021 5 hours ago, Warmer said: She felt jealous and even so she could bring it up respectfully without talking down to me and she could of put things right when I asked her to stop and told her it made me feel s***. Also I didn't complement strangers I merely mentioned they seemed a happy couple because they are also vegan so it was nice to meet a vegan couple which is quite rare. I don't go around paying paying friends compliments regarding our friendships we just have great times together and we're there for one another. If you treat your partner good listen to them create sexual attraction make them laugh and you're there for them you can compliment the relationship bit you shouldn't need to. I give her compliments when she looks good etc I just didn't deserve the way she spoke to me it was so passive aggressive and belittling. She still hasn't replied still stonewalling. If she can treat me with such contempt and not put things right she didn't care 2 weeks ago so why would she now. Yes, the way she is handling this is not healthy at all. Good luck.
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