Was my girlfriend picking a fight?

[Warmer]

I bumped into a couple today whilst I was out running and stopped to chat, I've met them a couple times and they genuinely seem like a happy couple. I mentioned it to my girlfriend and she asked me if I felt jealous and I felt like she started being funny with me about it.

 

Quote

Her: I hope they are but nothing is ever as it seems. Did you feel jealous?
Me: Not at all jealous
Happy for them
Bc you said they seem so happy
Because they truly do
Always like that whenever I bump into them
But you just saw them for how long?
Talked about 4 mins
And from that you conclude they truly do seem happy?

(At this point I suspected she is starting a fight because what does it matter if I thought they seemed happy, I don't really know them)

When you meet somebody on the street and chat you always on best behavior
Well, not everybody actually, not always
You seem enarmoured
Compared to the other couple yeah they were being nice but this couple is like next level happy
Like you are really into them yet you dont know them
Next level? Next level nice?
What's wrong with noticing that?
You seem negative
You met somebody briefly yet say they are next level nice. I mean, next level!
(I started getting fed up here, seemed like she's starting a fight again like the same type of pattern as recently).
You got a problem?
Have you ever met them?
No but neither do you know them well enough to classify them as next level
You should befriend them!
I said they seemed happy and on a next level
If they are that special for you after 4 minutes you should pursue a next level friendship
Can tell when people are genuinely happy
Really?
In 4 minutes?
(I feel like she is trying to make me feel stupid)
Don't talk down to me
Well good for you for meeting them, they would be good to have in your life. Maybe you can meet up.
Are you taking the piss?
No
Yes you are
You so enarmoured you should get closer
You're being funny
No Im not
Why would I?
Listen to yourself
Yes you are
Because they are next level special in 4 minutes
Jesus
What is your problem with it?
I never said they are next level special
Remember how long it took for us to get to know each other. And they are special enough after 4 minutes and you can truly tell how happy thdu are
I said they seem happy on a next level to just being generally nice
Stop being so neurotic
Dont call me names!
Why you got analyse everything I say to death
Im not calling you names but you are acting neurotic
Thanks
And stop talking down to me
Talking down? By saying you so into them after 4 minutes. Now thats neurotic!
es acting like you know more than me
Thats not talking down on you, just saying I think its irrational to think you know how happy they are
Yes you are and you're pissing me off
Bye have fun with your new best frienfs!

(At this point I feel so disrespected and I feel like s*** so I asked her to stop and told her I felt bad. I thought she would of seen how she was treating me and put things right. I mean if you talk down to someone you know you're doing it so she could of said oh no didn't mean it like that but she didn't stop..)

The way you talk to me is s*** and I'm not happy
I was in a good mood
Now I feel s***
You know how to wind me up and you do it whyy
I'm sick of feeling good then s***
If your sick of it and you dont want it anymore maybe you should find a next level rs like they have
Why are you being like this??
I merely say I think its nonsense you dont know them and cant judge they are next level happy in 4 min. You say Im neurotic, your pissing me off etc. I never say these things to you.

 

After that it escalated. We didn't talk for a few days and I told her I felt hurt and resentful that I didn't like feeling this way. She said she could see how hurt I was but no apology. I asked her if she can see her responsibility in it and she just said "I can see I made you feel that way and Im sorry for that". To me that's not even an apology she's just saying she didn't really do anything wrong but she made me feel bad. Like she isn't apologizing for her action just my reaction. I asked her again she said "A bit, but, tbh, can't understand why you feel THIS bad and why it has this much of an effect." "But, I take you as you are so have to understand its that devastating to you so will be careful with it in future" 

Feel like she is still patronizing me like calling me a baby saying it's "that devastating" to me. 

The thing is we have these big long talks about how much we love each other but she can't even talk to me properly. Hours of good talks I believe she respected me and it gets taken away in a split second so it feels like lies. Am I wrong to expect respect in a rs? And she says she has to be careful what she says to me but that's not true I've always given her freedom of speech to say what she wants. I've never tried to make her look stupid I either disagree or agree. I didn't take offence to what she said to me either I objected to it, it wasn't like she hurt my feelings it was like no don't talk down to me. She shouldn't have to try so hard "in future" not to disrespect me it just shouldn't be happening. 

I said I felt it wasn't an apology and she said "I said sorry I MADE YOU feel that way" "Im very tired can I go as even if I alologize for what I actually did you will say Im just saying it, or being sarcastic"

I don't get it? It would take less effort just to say sorry than to write all that. 

Would appreciate some thoughts on this, we haven't been talking I've got in touch a couple times but either she doesn't want to talk or it's short and casual and feels like the rs is dying. We haven't gone this long without talking like this.

 

Edited May 26, 2021 by Warmer

[basil67]

Hi Warmer, is this the same girlfriend as you posted about here?    If it is, she picked a fight because she's a head case.  In a perfect world, you should have shut this conversation down way before you got to the point of calling her neurotic..... but I suspect she wouldn't have let you shut it down.   

Why are you still putting up with this?

 

[Warmer]

Hi basil67 yeah it's the same girl and I'm not putting up with this anymore until she apologizes. You're right I should of shut it down it's like she wanted a reaction out of me. I really don't know why I'm putting up with it I just wanted her to admit she was patronizing me trying to make me feel stupid and apologize for that. I disrespected her back because I felt disrespected but she only focused on that during the escalation even when I apologized quickly. Still no apology from her and she's not sent me any messages for 3 days just basically said to me to let her know if I want to continue the rs and move on or if not she will let me go so I can be happy without her. I messaged her the other day to talk and she said she wasn't in the mood so I said okay another time. 2 days later I asked her how she was etc we talked for 20 minutes and that was 3 days ago. 

I feel like she's put me in a position where I can't go back because of the disrespect I can't accept that without an apology and she's said if I don't want to move on then she will let me go. I feel resentful because she knows I wanted an apology or for her to take on board what I said but she hasn't and isn't contacting me. I feel like she should be the one making some effort to salvage this since it all started by her talking down to me even after I asked her to stop which showed she didn't care she was upsetting me. Do you think I am being stubborn?

[chillii]

Sometimes too talking about other couples make the other feel a bit threatened and as if in their mind your saying they're this they're that but we're not. And that can also go through further to actually she is this and she is that , the female in that other couple . She'll always be feeling insecure being 17yrs older than you too , and feel threatened by younger women or couples more age matched . She'll probably never tell you that but she will be.

Edited May 26, 2021 by chillii

[d0nnivain]

The whole thing was just ridiculous & over the top.  When she started you needed to change the subject.   Problem solved.  Or when she suggested you should befriend them you should have simply said OK I will.  

When somebody is trying to pick a fight with you or being intentionally obtuse you don't have to take the bait. 

Between the age difference, the distance, her insults & now this  why are you still together & why are you fighting to keep this relationship?  I don't see any part of it that is working for you.  What is the upside? 

[Warmer]

I did think is she jealous of this other woman even though her man is next to her. I asked her and she said no but she was jealous that they could be together and we can't because of lockdown but I really think she was jealous of this woman because I had said oh he was nice but I didn't liker her I don't think she'd of tried to pick a fight. 

Even if she will never tell me she could at least apologize but all she said is sorry I made you feel that way and made out like I'm overly sensitive and said she could of used a better 'tone'. 

[Warmer]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

The whole thing was just ridiculous & over the top.  When she started you needed to change the subject.   Problem solved.  Or when she suggested you should befriend them you should have simply said OK I will.  

When somebody is trying to pick a fight with you or being intentionally obtuse you don't have to take the bait. 

Between the age difference, the distance, her insults & now this  why are you still together & why are you fighting to keep this relationship?  I don't see any part of it that is working for you.  What is the upside? 

That is true but I don't want to feel like I have to change subject to avoid being disrespected and we had a good thing going for a while so why pick a fight. 

The age difference doesn't matter to us, the distance is going to be closed we have plans to live together. The upside is the good times and the connection but feels like she just wants to throw a spanner in the works whenever things are good.

[chillii]

Yep , that's what it is , l've had gf's act exactly like that if l mention other couples but add in that 17yrs, no brainer.

But reading other things Donni's said there , not knowing anything else about you guys before yeah l agree. Dump this thing , and l don't usually say that lightly . But it's effd up all over the place not just on her sore spots.

Edited May 26, 2021 by chillii

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Warmer said:

I bumped into a couple today whilst I was out running and stopped to chat, I've met them a couple times and they genuinely seem like a happy couple. I mentioned it to my girlfriend and she asked me if I felt jealous and I felt like she started being funny with me about it.

 

After that it escalated. We didn't talk for a few days and I told her I felt hurt and resentful that I didn't like feeling this way. She said she could see how hurt I was but no apology. I asked her if she can see her responsibility in it and she just said "I can see I made you feel that way and Im sorry for that". To me that's not even an apology she's just saying she didn't really do anything wrong but she made me feel bad. Like she isn't apologizing for her action just my reaction. I asked her again she said "A bit, but, tbh, can't understand why you feel THIS bad and why it has this much of an effect." "But, I take you as you are so have to understand its that devastating to you so will be careful with it in future" 

Feel like she is still patronizing me like calling me a baby saying it's "that devastating" to me. 

The thing is we have these big long talks about how much we love each other but she can't even talk to me properly. Hours of good talks I believe she respected me and it gets taken away in a split second so it feels like lies. Am I wrong to expect respect in a rs? And she says she has to be careful what she says to me but that's not true I've always given her freedom of speech to say what she wants. I've never tried to make her look stupid I either disagree or agree. I didn't take offence to what she said to me either I objected to it, it wasn't like she hurt my feelings it was like no don't talk down to me. She shouldn't have to try so hard "in future" not to disrespect me it just shouldn't be happening. 

I said I felt it wasn't an apology and she said "I said sorry I MADE YOU feel that way" "Im very tired can I go as even if I alologize for what I actually did you will say Im just saying it, or being sarcastic"

I don't get it? It would take less effort just to say sorry than to write all that. 

Would appreciate some thoughts on this, we haven't been talking I've got in touch a couple times but either she doesn't want to talk or it's short and casual and feels like the rs is dying. We haven't gone this long without talking like this.

 

 

if you are done with her can you give me her number.

[Ami1uwant]

Granted...tone here does matter....but she was questioning your logic because it’s too limited of Ymir to say they seem like a great couple.

 

what does she do for a living?

[Warmer]

Just now, Ami1uwant said:

Granted...tone here does matter....but she was questioning your logic because it’s too limited of Ymir to say they seem like a great couple.

 

what does she do for a living?

Yeah she wasn't allowing me to have an opinion and tried to make me feel stupid for it. Why?

13 minutes ago, chillii said:

Yep , that's what it is , l've had gf's act exactly like that if l mention other couples but add in that 17yrs, no brainer.

But reading other things Donni's said there , not knowing anything else about you guys before yeah l agree. Dump this thing , and l don't usually say that lightly . But it's effd up all over the place not just on her sore spots.

I didn't know people could get jealous like that. It's like she was jealous and wanted to let me know she was annoyed with me but she couldn't say why as it would make her look insecure so she tried to make me feel stupid instead.

3 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

if you are done with her can you give me her number.

What kind of response is that?

[basil67]

24 minutes ago, Warmer said:

That is true but I don't want to feel like I have to change subject to avoid being disrespected and we had a good thing going for a while so why pick a fight. 

 

@Warmer changing subjects is normal and sensible.  If the topic is of no consequence and it becomes clear that it's only going to be a disagreement, it's about saving the relationship from being damaged by stupidity

Edited May 26, 2021 by basil67

[basil67]

45 minutes ago, Warmer said:

Still no apology from her and she's not sent me any messages for 3 days just basically said to me to let her know if I want to continue the rs

Actually, she did apologise.  You just didn't think it was adequate.  And while I do think she's a really poor relationship choice, her apology could have been a lot worse.   

You need to think long and hard before continuing with her.  Personally, I would have walked after her previous outburst.  

[Warmer]

15 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@Warmer changing subjects is normal and sensible.  If the topic is of no consequence and it becomes clear that it's only going to be a disagreement, it's about saving the relationship from being damaged by stupidity

I agree but I felt disrespected by being talked down to before I could change subject.

I didn't feel she apologised or took on board what I said only said what was expected of her. Do you think "Sorry for making you feel that way" is an apology? I'm not sure didn't feel like it especially after I had to basically force one out of her.

Quote

Sorry that you feel = I didn’t do anything wrong, your feelings are bad, aww diddums. It’s what you say to express sympathy, not apologise.

Sorry for making you feel = what I did wasn’t wrong, you just reacted badly. You’re apologising for the reaction not the action. It’s also a non-apology.

Just apologise for the thing you ACTUALLY DID, not the reaction of the other person.

I feel if I think too long she will just leave herself. At least her previous outburst she really apologised even said she was embarrassed and that she needed to work on herself 

 

 

 

Edited May 27, 2021 by Warmer

[Ami1uwant]

24 minutes ago, Warmer said:

I agree but I felt disrespected by being talked down to before I could change subject.

I didn't feel she apologised or took on board what I said only said what was expected of her. Do you think "Sorry for making you feel that way" is an apology? I'm not sure didn't feel like it especially after I had to basically force one out of her.

I feel if I think too long she will just leave herself. At least her previous outburst she really apologised even said she was embarrassed and that she needed to work on herself 

 

 

 

 

the tone I get in reading it is she is playing a logic game with you. Maybe there is something more in it like a time she was questioned why she did what she did.

 

if I was with a woman and she made they must be Pete rock type of comment I’d a very similar statement she did.

 

what is her profession?

[introverted1]

She's really digging her heels in on this topic. Any idea why it's such a trigger for her?

WRT "I can see I made you feel that way and Im sorry for that" - she is at least owning that her behavior was a problem.  Not the best apology, perhaps, but a lot better than I'm sorry if you felt... which is a total non-apology.

Your other thread is more worrisome.  Sounds like she disdains you.

[Wiseman2]

I think you realize this peripheral bickering indicates the deeper problems neither of you are addressing.

Cut to the chase and discuss what's really wrong and if you two should continue.

Who's right/who's wrong arguments who should apologize /how to apologize, etc. are all part of a huge power struggle going on.

Edited May 27, 2021 by Wiseman2

[BeanCounter]

This is the type of thing that screams of something larger than the active argument you had. When you take a step back and look at what you're arguing about, it's dumb, it's not worth it for either of you. It's a simple statement on a forgettable conversation that just snowballs out of control.

One of you has to be the bigger person and just realize this isn't worth being stressed out over and move on. 

The alternative, is take a look at the relationship as a whole, and think about if this is an indicator of a lot of other problems and issues you guys have. I don't think it has anything at all to do with jealousy, or the couple, or the interaction. If you can't put one small disagreement over literally nothing past you both, and it causes you to not talk for days....There is more to your story....

[glows]

She has serious issues and a history of bullying you because of her insecurities. She may have apologized but this conversation really did not need to happen and you were yet her punching bag again. People commented at length about her behaviour in the other thread and all you did was go back to this.

If you keep hanging around individuals who repeatedly treat you this way, the problem is no longer them. You have to learn to walk away from situations that are dysfunctional and unhealthy.

Edited May 27, 2021 by glows

[smackie9]

let it go. In a few days things will be back to normal.

[basil67]

23 hours ago, Warmer said:

I didn't feel she apologised or took on board what I said only said what was expected of her. Do you think "Sorry for making you feel that way" is an apology? I'm not sure didn't feel like it especially after I had to basically force one out of her.

Ah, now I understand.  In future, don't ever 'basically force' an apology from someone.  Apologies count for nothing if they aren't given at the initiative of the person who did something wrong, because they feel remorse for their actions and wishes to make amends.   At this point, assume that she really doesn't see what she did wrong and apologised to get you off her case.   But don't bring it up again, because no amount of raising the issue is going to make her see things differently.   If you wish to continue with her, you will need to chalk this one up to difference of opinion.

I agree with smackie9 that after you let it go, things will go back to normal.  But with 'normal' being "good until she does something like this again".   There's now an established pattern of her being great/terrible/great/terrible.   How long you tolerate this rollercoaster is up to you. 

Edited May 27, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
formatting

[spiderowl]

Whatever is happening, this girl is not treating you well.  She barely apologised.

Honestly, is there any reason to continue seeing her?

[Warmer]

Thanks for the advice I tried to take it on board we had a conversation today after not talking for 4 days. 

Quote

Me: What's been on your mind?Her: I feel ok but think only because Im suppressing emotions.

Same: I feel like if we don't help each other we might lose each other. I feel like you don't like me you disdain me.

You said so many negative things about me, usually day or days after fight I let it slide, now I thought wow I apparently make him so unhappy, let go

(Anytime I call her out or point out her contradictions she says I'm being negative).

So I let go and focussed on my own life

Why? Because I was a sceptic on your evaluation of that couple? You ranted at me for days after so who disdains who.

(I never ranted at her for days I took some days space and we had a short convo a couple days later where I called her out for talking down to me but the fact she reverse it onto me it drags it out).

You take your anxiety out on me bully me im your punching bag  and you talk down to me.

Ok this doesnt seem like a conversation its same of what you been doing for 2 days after the 'fight'

Because you wont hear me

Am I gonna sit here for an hour or hours again listening to the same? Its exactly why I thought let him go you making him miserable. Now it feels like your back on to fight yet again.

Lose the attitude

Why your still with me?

Do you even like me?

Im scared

So am i just be honest

I like and love you, but you dont act very likable. You the one having an attitude.

Why don't you just get everything off your chest right now

Im not going to fight. Nothing in your words is nice or loving, a direct attack on my character again and you scare me

Ok Sorry I made you feel that way

I hope you are ok because you act weird. Thanks, can we try again?

I'm not ok

I dont know how to go about, I dont know!! I dont know how to act what to do

Baby the amount of effect such a relatively small thing has on you is extreme, you have to ask yourself why and fix it (but you won't) or stop doing this to yourself = break up with me

I dont want this for you, I want you to be happy, and apparently Im not the woman that can make you happy

Do you believe it's better for you to not have me in your life?

I'm sorry but you're wrong It's you who needs to fix it. And stop this pattern of picking fights. If you don't want this for me then change.

I cant, it will always happen, I will always at some point say a thing in either a wrong way, or on a jealous cloud or whatever especially in long distance

Why belittle the whole thing like it's not worth mentioning. you're basically saying drop it or get someone else. Why can't you just say you shouldn't of spoken to me like that.

Why make it sooooo big. Im not making the 59 awful things you threw at me that big. I already said that but then I get this...

What awful things?

Read it. Im not going to go over it again you always deny whatever you did, or you say you have a right to as I made you. Your so complicated (I know I can be as well, but at least Im way more forgiving, and more easily). Im so f***ing scared to say something wrong that will get you on a rant for another few days.

Scared? You make me out like I'm some narc

 

 

I left the convo after that, felt awful. She started a fight with me talked down go me tried to make.me feel stupid. It escalated and she turned it around onto me so I asked for space. Now she makes out like I'm some big baby and belittles the whole thing. She never really apogized only because I asked and she still hasn't admitted what she did was wrong. She must of expected me to come back today and apologise to her for 'dragging it out' like she is resentful of my need for space after the way she treated me. Its like she is using reverse psychology now saying if I'm so bad then leave etc. I feel like all I can do is walk away I wish she would just admit she was wrong. 

 

Quote

 

 

[smackie9]

Soooo is this normal fair for your GF to get all owly once in awhile? Blind siding you with an argument? This is not the first time is it.

[kendahke]

On 5/26/2021 at 6:13 PM, Warmer said:

she just said "I can see I made you feel that way and Im sorry for that".

That is not an apology. That is her spitting on your esteem because that is where her energy is with you. There's a word for that: contempt.

She made a whole a$$ drama out of nothing. Seriously, this should have been a :30 texting fling--she should have been dismissed when she said:

Quote

When you meet somebody on the street and chat you always on best behavior
Well, not everybody actually, not always
You seem enarmoured

She was doing a whole lot of projection onto you and it was coming from a really dark place on her end--she really needs to examine why another couple's happiness cannot be allowed to be inspirational to you solely because she hasn't done the work to even understand what a gift that is. If it's "their brand" to be exceedingly happy, etc., in public--better that than a dour, jealous person who's begrudging anyone else of having or wanting happiness in their lives.