Ami1uwant Posted May 26, 2021 Posted May 26, 2021 18 minutes ago, Gaeta said: You should have said you only wanted your feelings approuved. I thought you wanted an answer to the question in your title. Would have saved my time and effort.
Gaeta Posted May 27, 2021 Posted May 27, 2021 You have a picture of you at your job and are offended if asked what is that job Replace that picture. 2
Andy_K Posted May 27, 2021 Posted May 27, 2021 Most people spend 40+ of their waking hours doing their job every week. Whether you want to admin it or not, it's a major part of your lifestyle. It's therefore of pretty high importance for someone who is getting to know you to find out. Reluctance to divulge that information, unless you're involved in classified work, is something I'd be concerned with. It's got a high chance of being rooted in some form of insecurity - fear of being stereotyped, fear of gold diggers, fear of judgement. I can understand a desire for caution, but if you're trying to form a genuine connection with another human being, you're not going to do so whilst peeking over the top of a parapet. 3
Wiseman2 Posted May 27, 2021 Posted May 27, 2021 3 hours ago, Andy_K said: Most people spend 40+ of their waking hours doing their job every week. Whether you want to admin it or not, it's a major part of your lifestyle. It's therefore of pretty high importance for someone who is getting to know you to find out. Agree. What's the big deal with that question? It will come out sooner or later anyway, no? 3
BeanCounter Posted May 27, 2021 Posted May 27, 2021 15 hours ago, Alvi said: Poppyfields, Bless Your Heart! Thank you for supporting instead of judging me and/or jumping to some conclusions. It seems like you are the only one who understands what I am trying to say here. I couldn't come up with the right word, but you are absolutely right, I feel like these guys are trying to "qualify" me before getting to know me. Yes, exactly, I do feel very insecure that I might not measure up to their standards. This is from my ex, who was always telling me that I am always doing everything the wrong way and that I am basically not good enough for him. It wasn't anything related to my job but he made me feel very incompetent, like I couldn't even wipe the table the right way. It took me two years to let go a feeling of incompetency. Probably this is why I am react so strongly when guys ask me questions. I am all for the conversation flow naturally. Like you find out stuff about a person by conversing with him or her. I do find straight off the bat questions about my job and the housing to be very intrusive. Of course I have the right to feel whatever I feel. If I am not comfortable with some line of questioning, then I am not comfortable. Sure - you are absolutely entitled to feel however you want to feel. But, it's a bit unfair to make a post and ask the public if how you're feeling is justified, and then get pushback and boil it down to "you don't understand, I'm allowed to feel uncomfortable." If that were the case, why make the post at all, unless you were just seeking confirmation in your feelings? If you're not comfortable with it and that's the end of it, the easy solution is, who cares what any of us tell you, block anyone that brings your career or living situation up too early for you, and you don't have a problem anymore 4
glows Posted May 27, 2021 Posted May 27, 2021 Was it one socially awkward individual who said, "Hi, what do you do for a living?" If it's a small number, write that off as odd. There are all kinds out there so leave room for that. Filter and move on to the matches that do appeal to you.
norealusername Posted May 27, 2021 Posted May 27, 2021 "What do you do?" is one of the most basic questions when I chat with anyone, whether it's dating or chatting with any random person. I don't think you'll ever avoid it. 3
Maldives Posted May 28, 2021 Posted May 28, 2021 On 5/27/2021 at 2:22 AM, Alvi said: Hello everybody! I don't know if I am making a big deal out of this or not. Maybe I am just being too sensitive or overreacting to this question. Maybe this is totally acceptable question to ask in nowadays society but please help me understand whether this is appropriate or not. Let's just say that I don't mind being asked what I do for a living. But as they say, timing is everything. Is it appropriate if a guy asks you about your job or living in the first message or in a second or even third message? Some guys don't even bother asking your name or anything at all about you and yet they ask you where you work. Why would a guy literally be OK asking me in a first message: "Hello, what do you do for a living?" Huh? Dude, you don't even know my name. Do I have a right to be offended here? The problem is that I get more and more messages like that. Is it a rude and not very appropriate question to ask right away any potential partners? I don't remember guys being so blunt on-line 13 years ago or so. They would get a sense of what I was like as a person first before asking me anything job related or inquiring about my living conditions. If I asked a guy that, I would possibly be labeled a golddigger. Many people would gang up on me here telling me what a horrible terrible person I am and that I only care about that person's money. But is this a male version of a golddigger that I am encountering? I feel like they try to size up my wealth and are already counting my money. Hey, we are not even married yet to combine our incomes, lol. Yesterday, some guy messaged me. Right away he asked me about my living conditions. I tried to stir a conversation away from that and what do you know? I just knew that right his next question would be about my job. And I was right. I ended up telling him off and blocked him. I felt very uneasy about his line of questions. It also occurred to me that he never asked me my name nor volunteered his own name. He never asked me anything about my interests, outlooks on life, my hobbies. Nothing at all except my living situation and my job. Why would he care about where and with whom I live and how much money I earn so early on? Are they just poor communicators or there is a lot more sinister stuff going on in their heads? Is it rude, crude and plain inappropriate? Is inquiring about your job right away more acceptable than, let's say, asking about your favorite sex act? Would a woman get offended if a guy walked up to her on a street and straight up asked her where and with whom she lives and inquired about her employment. How would he fare with her? Would she actually give him her phone number or would she tell him to get away from her? I am honestly at loss here. Hope my ramble makes some sense, lol. Not only men I get that same question from woman however I don't mind the question because then I can ask the same question back and work out wether they're unemployed or working and wether I wanna take this any further
spiderowl Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 (edited) I would ask someone about their job after a few texts but not in the first text. It sounds like the guys contacting you are more interested in your financial circumstances than you. The reason I would ask a guy about his job before we had been chatting for long is that it gives me some idea of his intelligence and sense of responsibility. I know that not having a job does not mean he is not intelligent or responsible - he could just be in a difficult situation for a while - but knowing what he usually does gives me a better idea about lots of things, including personality. By the way, although I would say what kind of work I do, I will not tell relative strangers where I work. At first you never know whether a contact is going to become the love of your life or a potential stalker. One needs to be careful with giving details like surname, place of work, home address, until you really do know this person better and have met others who know him and trust him/her. Edited May 29, 2021 by spiderowl 1
salparadise Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 On 5/26/2021 at 3:36 PM, Gaeta said: I feel it's perfectly normal to ask that question in a 2nd or 3rd message. Why would I start exchanging about my personal life with someone to then learn 30 messages later they're not employed or I'm dealing with a 60 yo rock star wanna be working part time bartender? It would be ok for you to learn on message 25 that she's a stripper? As poppy said (and you as well), it’s a qualifying question. When a woman is quickly trying to size up your finances, real estate holdings, and social status... well, you instantly know more anther than she does you. Bzzzzt- next. Same when genders are reversed. Tactful people don’t ask probing questions. Most of the smart, educated women know this. Sure it takes more time, but if you’re in that big a hurry... next.
Gaeta Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 2 minutes ago, salparadise said: As poppy said (and you as well), it’s a qualifying question. When a woman is quickly trying to size up your finances, real estate holdings, and social status... well, you instantly know more anther than she does you. I don't know, maybe. I'm not interested in a man's assets l have my own. When l ask the question it's only to see if he is employed and what type of work he does because l don't want to date someone that always works night or weekend. We're not all gold diggers you know. 1
elaine567 Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 Works, nights, weekends, on call commitment, workaholic who works 24/7, no holidays or days off All is important to know. 2
poppyfields Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 (edited) 52 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I don't know, maybe. I'm not interested in a man's assets l have my own. When l ask the question it's only to see if he is employed and what type of work he does because l don't want to date someone that always works night or weekend. We're not all gold diggers you know. Gaeta, that may be your intention for asking, and fair enough, years ago I would ask the question too to gain a bit of insight into the man, learn more about him. I have my own money as well, I don't need his. But as I think I mentioned earlier, it's important to be aware of how the question comes across when asked so early in. Because many men (and women) do feel like they are being qualified, no matter how successful or wealthy they are, and it can be off-putting to some people. When I used to ask, I had a few men asking me to guess what they do, they refused to tell me! Lol. I discovered later they were quite successful but off-put by the question. That said, there are some men who prefer to lead with their career success and wealth, and are more than happy to answer, and will elaborate ad nauseam (brag) about it too! And if you don't ask, they're more than happy to offer the information for same reason. Anyway now, I don't ask and prefer to chat and gauge our vibe/energy, if we click, these types of questions will get answered in time without the other person feeling probed or like they're being "qualified." Try to not view it as a "waste of time, " every interaction is a learning experience, that's how I see it anyway. Edited May 29, 2021 by poppyfields
Alpacalia Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 But what purpose would a man want to "qualify" a woman based on her career choice?
elaine567 Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 I am not sure why anyone would feel being "qualified" is a bad thing because the whole purpose of dating involves qualifying a person for suitability surely? Their job is all part of the qualification process. If he works in an abattoir and she is an animal loving vegan then no matter how well they "vibe", it is a nonstarter... Jobs are important, anyone who thinks they aren't, is fooling themselves. 1
poppyfields Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 (edited) 14 minutes ago, Alpaca said: But what purpose would a man want to "qualify" a woman based on her career choice? Good question, in my experience most men don't care about that, not as much as women do anyway. For women, it's about "provider" provisioning, which is important to many women. And that's the sense many men get too when asked.... from what I've read and heard. Women get asked other qualifying questions that can be off putting. I read on a men's site that women "hit the wall" at age 27! And some men won't even consider dating a woman older than that, so asking age can feel like a qualifying question to some women, especially women 30+. Edited May 29, 2021 by poppyfields
poppyfields Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 (edited) 20 minutes ago, elaine567 said: I am not sure why anyone would feel being "qualified" is a bad thing because the whole purpose of dating involves qualifying a person for suitability surely? Their job is all part of the qualification process. If he works in an abattoir and she is an animal loving vegan then no matter how well they "vibe", it is a nonstarter... Jobs are important, anyone who thinks they aren't, is fooling themselves. Yeah, it bothers some people more than others. For me personally, the questions feel contrived and unnatural, which is not what I'm about. I'm more into vibe/energy and allowing things to take their natural course versus being asked a bunch of questions like I'm being interviewed, It's a huge turn off for me. Others will be turned off for different reasons I suppose. Edited May 29, 2021 by poppyfields 1
elaine567 Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 3 minutes ago, poppyfields said: , in my experience most men don't care about that, not as much as women do anyway Depends on the demographic/circles you are moving in.
salparadise Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 27 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Good question, in my experience most men don't care about that, not as much as women do anyway. For women, it's about "provider" provisioning, which is important to many women. And that's the sense many men get too when asked.... from what I've read and heard. I think you’re leaning on the stereotypes quite a bit with these assumptions. It’s true though, that were probably going to care about such things for different reasons. Women may be looking for “provisioning” as you call it. I call it shopping for a lifestyle upgrade, or getting everything to which they feel entitled (hypergamy). I prefer those who don’t have the entitlement mentality. They do it themselves and are not expecting someone else to bestow it upon them. They typically have education and a decent job. I’m attracted to intelligent women who aren’t trying to becoming someone’s dependent. 1
poppyfields Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 (edited) 10 minutes ago, salparadise said: I think you’re leaning on the stereotypes quite a bit with these assumptions. It’s true though, that were probably going to care about such things for different reasons. Women may be looking for “provisioning” as you call it. I call it shopping for a lifestyle upgrade, or getting everything to which they feel entitled (hypergamy). I prefer those who don’t have the entitlement mentality. They do it themselves and are not expecting someone else to bestow it upon them. They typically have education and a decent job. I’m attracted to intelligent women who aren’t trying to becoming someone’s dependent. Yeah we're on the same page @salparadisedifferent wording (provisioning/hypergamy), but same premise, I get it. I think it's important to be aware of how we all appear to others, through our behaviors and the questions we ask, both men and women. Our intention may be one thing (i.e. for women not provisioning/hypergamy) but how it's interpreted by the other person may be a whole different thing unfortunately. Edited May 29, 2021 by poppyfields 1
elaine567 Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 Your intelligent/self reliant woman is also going to want to know what a man does for a job. To assess his intelligence, his education, his class, his lifestyle... She doesn't want a "dependent" anymore than a man does.
Alpacalia Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: Good question, in my experience most men don't care about that, not as much as women do anyway. For women, it's about "provider" provisioning, which is important to many women. And that's the sense many men get too when asked.... from what I've read and heard. Women get asked other qualifying questions that can be off putting. I read on a men's site that women "hit the wall" at age 27! And some men won't even consider dating a woman older than that, so asking age can feel like a qualifying question to some women, especially women 30+. Yes, but we are talking about a male asking a woman what she does for a living, not the other way around. As for inquiring a woman's age, it's their prerogative if they only want to date younger women, in which case being asked that question is a gift.
salparadise Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 (edited) 47 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Your intelligent/self reliant woman is also going to want to know what a man does for a job. To assess his intelligence, his education, his class, his lifestyle... She doesn't want a "dependent" anymore than a man does. Right. And those would be the preferred reasons. Of course she’ll be savvy enough to not begin an interrogation in the first few messages. It’s all going to be known soon enough anyway. The early messages should attempt to find synergy through shared interests and humor. Probing questions for the purpose of judging and determining financial stuff are crass and transparent. I guess in one sense they’d be doing me a favor though if that’s their mentality. I’m talking to one woman who said up front in her profile that she feels the same, that she wants to relate based on who they are and not what they have. And we have the magic combo on MBTI types. Neither of us has asked about jobs, or any of that. We can see in the profiles that we both have degrees. Still a long shot though- not counting chickens. Edited May 29, 2021 by salparadise 1
dramafreezone Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 (edited) On 5/26/2021 at 9:50 AM, Gaeta said: I will ask what he does for work on 2nd message and l don't mind being asked quickly. What's the big deal? To me it's useless to learn a bunch of things about him then 3 days later l learn he doesn't work or he works nights only. I've notice people that are offended being asked about their job often wish they had a better job. You need to relax. I have a great job and still don't like talking about it with someone I'm potentially going to date. I'll just say I'm in healthcare and leave it at that. It just leads to boring conversation. On 5/26/2021 at 11:46 AM, Alvi said: No, that's not why I am offended. I am offended because they see me as a walking dollar sigh rather than a potential dating partner. I was told on many occasions that I am very sensitive, so that is why I could be offended. Is this guy gainfully employed? If so he probably just wants to make sure that you're self-sufficient and not seeing HIM as a walking dollar sign. Edited May 29, 2021 by dramafreezone 1
poppyfields Posted May 29, 2021 Posted May 29, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Alpaca said: As for inquiring a woman's age, it's their prerogative if they only want to date younger women.... Exactly and of course it's their preogative. But let's face it, she's being qualified, no different from a woman only wanting to date rich successful men. I'm not judging it believe it or not, it's reality. It's not what I'm about though, I'm more about synergy/energy like @salparadisedescribed. At least in the beginning. After that it's compatibility and what each of us brings to the table. I simply prefer to not judge people in that way but to each their own. Edited May 29, 2021 by poppyfields 1
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