Jump to content

Is it appropriate to ask a person about his or her job during first few texts?


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted (edited)

Alvi, I think what you are reacting to is feeling like you are being "qualified."  Whether or not you "measure up" to their standards.  And that's a crap feeling, no matter how great a job you have, how much money you make, how young or old you are, etc.

Being asked about your occupation, your living situation, your age, etc are qualifying questions, and I am same as you, I find them contrived and arbitrary.

For me, it's let's chat a bit, let's see if we vibe, gauge the energy between us!  And if we're vibing well and the energy is good and positive, those types of questions will get answered in time, naturally and organically in the normal course of conversation and getting to know each other.

This is why I dislike traditional dating.  Everyone is trying to impress each other, qualifying each other.

It's not natural imo.

Don't feel defensive, you have the right to be put off by it.  I am as well.

And if you feel like you want to cut a guy off who's shooting off such qualifying type questions, don't feel guilty about it either.  You're not comfortable and you're entitled to feel that way.  They're your feelings, no one else's.

One of these days, you'll meet a man (on line or off) and it will all flow naturally.  You won't feel you are being qualified or interviewed, it will be a fun easy flow... and you will either quickly feel a connection (as far as you can feel connected on line) and make a plan to meet in person, or you won't.

 

 

 

 

Edited by poppyfields
  • Like 4
Posted
2 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Yes, but it's a relationship not a business networking lunch. I would be completely turned off if that was one of the first few messages I received from someone. There is nothing about me as an individual or in my profile interesting enough to warrant a message? 

It's a fine question to ask but at the very least establish some sort of connection with the individual first, that question can come later. 

You established some connection before agreeing to meet for lunch?

 

job is a big part of your life. Some it’s 35-40 hrs, with others it’s 60-70 hrs. Ifyou include peop,e also doing college work adds more time.

 

a week has 168 hrs.  Do you even have time to date is an isdue...a valid one.

 

 

 

 

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)
9 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

It's a fine question to ask but at the very least establish some sort of connection with the individual first, that question can come later. 

I feel it's perfectly normal to ask that question in a 2nd or 3rd message. Why would I start exchanging about my personal life with someone to then learn 30 messages later they're not employed or I'm dealing with a 60 yo rock star wanna be working part time bartender? It would be ok for you to learn on message 25 that she's a stripper? 

Edited by Gaeta
Posted
5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

One of these days, you'll meet a man on line and it will all flow naturally.  You won't feel you are being qualified or interviewed, it will be a fun easy flow... and you will either quickly feel a connection (as far as you can feel connected on line) and make a plan to meet in person, or you won't.

 

 

 

 

@d0nnivain read the above. Ours was pretty natural, you know where to find me ;) 

Posted
7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Alvi, I think what you are reacting to is feeling like you are being "qualified."  Whether or not you "measure up" to their standards.  And that's a crap feeling, no matter how great a job you have, how much money you make, how young or old you are, etc.

Being asked about your occupation, your living situation, your age, etc are qualifying questions, and I am same as you, I find them contrived and arbitrary.

For me, it's let's chat a bit, let's see if we vibe, gauge the energy between us!  And if we're vibing well and the energy is good and positive, those types of questions will get answered in time, naturally and organically in the normal course of conversation and getting to know each other.

This is why I dislike traditional dating.  Everyone is trying to impress each other, qualifying each other.

It's not natural imo.

Don't feel defensive, you have the right to be put off by it.  I am as well.

And if you feel like you want to cut a guy off who's shooting off such qualifying type questions, don't feel guilty about it either.  You're not comfortable and you're entitled to feel that way.  They're your feelings, no one else's.

One of these days, you'll meet a man (on line or off) and it will all flow naturally.  You won't feel you are being qualified or interviewed, it will be a fun easy flow... and you will either quickly feel a connection (as far as you can feel connected on line) and make a plan to meet in person, or you won't.

 

 

 

 


why waste time learning about the person and getting your hopes up only to find out they don’t have time to date because work is your life.  So meeting for lunch to thrm is just a business expense they can write off on their taxes.

Posted
3 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

@d0nnivain read the above. Ours was pretty natural, you know where to find me ;) 

Doesn’t matter how it flows....the engine still needs to start. Talking about work and what you do is an easy one.

Posted (edited)
8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I feel it's perfectly normal to ask that question in a 2nd or 3rd message. Why would I start exchanging about my personal life with someone to then learn 30 messages later they're not employed or I'm dealing with a 60 yo rock star wanna be working part time bartender? It would be ok for you to learn on message 25 that she's a stripper? 

Because a person is more than their job and their job doesn't define them as a person? This isn't the middle ages, I'm looking for a person who I connect with on a personal level first, not nobility to combine kingdoms with.

8 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

You established some connection before agreeing to meet for lunch?

 

job is a big part of your life. Some it’s 35-40 hrs, with others it’s 60-70 hrs. Ifyou include peop,e also doing college work adds more time.

 

a week has 168 hrs.  Do you even have time to date is an isdue...a valid one.

 

 

 

 

Connection, vibe, interest, whatever you want to call it. Having them try and qualify themselves to you before even agreeing to meet isn't it. Sure its ok in-person on the date but you're essentially walking up to a complete stranger and asking "what do you do"? Sell me on this checklist. Weird.

Edited by cleverusername
  • Like 2
Posted (edited)
14 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:


why waste time learning about the person and getting your hopes up only to find out they don’t have time to date because work is your life.  So meeting for lunch to thrm is just a business expense they can write off on their taxes.

Nothing is a "waste of time" to me.  Every conversation, every interaction, whether it results in us meeting or not is valued.  It's an experience, and the more experience I have conversing and interacting with others, positive or negative, the more I learn and grow and the better I become not only for myself but when/if I meet the right person, for my partner as well.

As far as "getting hopes up," I would advise you to never place your hopes on someone so early on.  Interact with them a bit, get to know them, naturally and organically, meet them, and gauge energy/chemistry and compatibility.

And if all is good and you begin regularly dating, then you can start "hoping."

 

Edited by poppyfields
  • Like 3
Posted
1 minute ago, cleverusername said:

Because a person is more than their job and their job doesn't define them as a person?

Yes it does define them in a way. Ask a nurse, a fireman, a policeman if their job doesn't define them as a person. Don't get me wrong, I was 5  years with a new immigrant that had to work 3 jobs to pay his rent while waiting for his papers. This is not about money. This is about what a man/woman does with their life and their potential.

Connection, vibe, interest means nothing if you're dealing with an unemployed lazy bum playing video games all day eating your food. 

Posted (edited)

For those who have a need to know a man/woman's occupation and lifestyle right off the bat so as to not "waste time," I think it's important to be cognizant of how your questions are being interpreted by the other person.

Asking about a man's occupation right off the bat, while I understand you might have a need to know, many people may feel it's off-putting like Alvi, and I know many men feel off-put by this question as well, no matter how successful or wealthy they are.

We live in such a self-centered society, everyone looking out for number one.  If he doesn't have the "right" job, he's out, if she's not the right "age," she out. 

That's fine you're entitled to want what you want, but to ask such questions right off the bat, the chances for making a true genuine connection drop significantly because again many people will feel off-put by those types of questions so early in.

 

 

Edited by poppyfields
  • Like 2
Posted

Depends how it's presented. If the first message was long and detailed than you can ask the question in your equally detailed reply. If he only says Hello in his first message then yes I agree you don't spit out 'what you do for work' on your reply. 

  • Like 1
Posted
3 hours ago, Alvi said:

Is it appropriate if a guy asks you about your job or living in the first message or in a second or even third message?

It's a great question if there's no spin on it (like $). It breaks the ice. If you prefer to be vague say "I'm in (whatever, sales, tech). 

A question such as 'do you own your home?' or my favorite 'what kind of car do you drive?', is clearly digging. 

 

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)
31 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Because a person is more than their job and their job doesn't define them as a person? This isn't the middle ages, I'm looking for a person who I connect with on a personal level first, not nobility to combine kingdoms with.

Connection, vibe, interest, whatever you want to call it. Having them try and qualify themselves to you before even agreeing to meet isn't it. Sure its ok in-person on the date but you're essentially walking up to a complete stranger and asking "what do you do"? Sell me on this checklist. Weird.

The career field does say something about the person.  Type of job can display a level of intelligence, something about the persons character and what they value. Some careers carry a higher level of ethical values than others, or a higher level if dedication ir responsibility.

 

how do you plan on building that connection?  

 

 

Edited by Ami1uwant
  • Like 1
Posted
4 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

The career field does say something about the person.  Type of job can display a level of intelligence, something about the persons character and what they value. Some careers carry a higher level of ethical values than others, or a higher level if dedication ir responsibility.

 

how do you pkan on building that connection?  

 

 

Or it could be just a job because they have bills to pay? How would you know what their ethical values, intelligence, and character are if you don't even know them as a person? That's awfully judgmental and a lot of weight to put on a one word answer from the start

Posted
1 hour ago, Alvi said:

I am offended because they see me as a walking dollar sigh rather than a potential dating partner.

Hi. So this has never happened to me before *eye roll*

- a dude

 

I used to resent it when it happens to me. But now I'm very grateful because it tells me a lot about the other person's priorities right up front versus if she had had a more delicate way of probing for that information in a less alarming manner. And that allows me to decide whether I will continue to pursue her. 

  • Like 1
Posted
4 hours ago, Alvi said:

...

Let's just say that I don't mind being asked what I do for a living. But as they say, timing is everything. Is it appropriate if a guy asks you about your job or living in the first message or in a second or even third message? Some guys don't even bother asking your name or anything at all about you and yet they ask you where you work. Why would a guy literally be OK asking me in a first message: "Hello, what do you do for a living?" Huh? Dude, you don't even know my name. Do I have a right to be offended here?

I don't think you have a right to be offended.  It is a perfectly legitimate and normal small talk question.  I would hope the guy knows you first name, but I tend not to ask.  Why?

Because your name, is personally identifying information.  Same with where you work.  What you do for a living is more general, not too useful to identify you personally, unless it is very unique. 

To most people what you do for a living is about you, for most of us it structures at least 8 hours of our day.   It s actually a very good opening question, everyone can speak to it, and your response will provide plenty of opportunity to get to more about who you are and not just what you do.

As a guy I tend to give my full name very soon, so she can check me out, and do actually shy away from the "What do you do for a living" but just because I down play that and don't want women to like me for my success and just put up with the geeky me.

Quote

The problem is that I get more and more messages like that. Is it a rude and not very appropriate question to ask right away any potential partners?  

Just to reiterate don't consider it rude, and not generally consider rude with those I know.  Now bland?  Sure.  Now have met women if you don't ask them what they do for a living you are no showing interest in them.  Personally I rarely ask that.

Quote

... or inquiring about my living conditions. 

Now that is getting a bit personal too quickly in my view.  If by that you mean do you own or rent, live at home, etc.

Quote

If I asked a guy that, I would possibly be labeled a golddigger. Many people would gang up on me here telling me what a horrible terrible person I am and that I only care about that person's money. But is this a male version of a golddigger that I am encountering? I feel like they try to size up my wealth and are already counting my money. Hey, we are not even married yet to combine our incomes, lol.

Oh certainly, it is not fair.  As leery as I am of the question I take it is an easy go to question; a very basic cocktail party small talk question.   

I would like to say most guys are just asking because it is an easy question, but could well see they are "concerned" about having to support you, or looking for gold themselves. :)  One can sometimes (or often) tell the difference.   Asking about what you do and how is it, do you like it etc. is one thing; it's another if they say oh that must pay well, come with options, etc.

A good counter is to just ask them what they do and then steer the conversation to things related to that that you are interested in.

Quote

Yesterday, some guy messaged me.  Right away he asked me about my living conditions. I tried to stir a conversation away from that and what do you know? I just knew that right his next question would be about my job. And I was right. I ended up telling him off and blocked him.  I felt very uneasy about his line of questions. It also occurred to me that he never asked me my name nor volunteered his own name. He never asked me anything about my interests, outlooks on life, my hobbies. Nothing at all except my living situation and my job. Why would he care about where and with whom I live and how much money I earn so early on?

Yah he sounds sketchy, and the living situation would be yellow card for me.   Should let you know his full name right off.   Are you using OLD?  If so is some of this other stuff on your profile?  For me I think it is much better to ask about hobbies, pictures, etc. people put on their profile.  Never a good sign when you try to steer the conversation to real getting to know you questions and it is just ignored.

Quote

Are they just poor communicators or there is a lot more sinister stuff going on in their heads? Is it rude, crude and plain inappropriate? Is inquiring about your job right away more acceptable than, let's say, asking about your favorite sex act?

Could be either or both, but for a guy to not realize women need to be cautious with complete strangers shows a lack of awareness and/or caring.   Again I don't think inquiring about what you do for a living to be rude, crude or inappropriate...to the extent it is general like that and not trying to push you on personal identifying details or delving into you financial situation.  I do consider the "what you do for a living" question to be uncreative and bland.

I do think inquiring about your job is more acceptable than your favorite sex act, but you'd probably get a lot more information regarding compatibility with the sex act question. :)

Quote

Would a woman get offended if  a guy walked up to her on a street and straight up asked her where and with whom she lives and inquired about her employment. How would he fare with her? Would she actually give him her phone number or would she tell him to get away from her? I am honestly at loss here.

Well there is a difference between being approached in a situation where someone should not assume we want to be bothered or questioned, and putting oneself on an OLD site which implicitly solicits those who are interested to reach out to us. 

I believe asking with whom you live is a very much a red flag question which would not answer as a woman.  That is a question you essentially never ask because by the time you get to where it would not be creepy, you already know.

  • Like 2
Posted
3 hours ago, Alvi said:

I like my job, well, on most days, lol. I live on my own, bought a house. What irks me here I think is that a guys doesn't even tries to find out my name or anything about me. Just my job and my living conditions. That is all. I would prefer if a guy talked about my hobbies, interests, or about himself first before asking me about my job. Maybe I am just too sensitive. That is why I am asking what is acceptable and what is not.

What your asking is perfectly acceptable, frankly I'd say they should really give you their name first.  As much as I would like her name, I would only ask after we had set up a time to meet...or should I call her Nemo, maybe blue-eyes?  But that has never happened.

My view is asking the what you do for a living question is not rude or such, just blah, boring, even though I do find my job exciting.

Now it seems often conversations get to where we are form where we grew up, don't know why.   I'm more interested in what she reads, dreams, believes in, energizes her, etc. and some form direct questions but a lot through if we get each others references or can explore a topic together.   I'm a weird geeky one though.

The important thing is if you use this as a filter it does not filter out those men you are after; but it sounds like in many cases there is more than just this simple question, rather it comes along with several others that rightly make you say no thanks.

Posted (edited)
42 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

I don't think you have a right to be offended. 

She doesn't have a right to her own feelings?  You serious man?  I don't think that's your call to make, is it?  

Many people dislike those types of qualifying questions, both men and women, and they're entitled to dislike, they're their feelings, no one else's.

Edited by poppyfields
  • Like 1
Posted (edited)
19 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

She doesn't have a right to her own feelings?  You serious man?  I don't think that's your call to make, is it?  

Many people dislike those types of qualifying questions, both men and women, and they're entitled to not like, they're their feelings, no one else's.

Dislike the question sure, but "right" to be offended no.  Can feel any way you want just don't consider offense to be a "right" here as this is not the kind of question "what you do for a living" (by itself) that rises to that level in modern western society, especially Canada.  Or put another way, it is not an inherently offensive question, it is almost always the first question people ask at cocktail parties.  Just because one feels offended doesn't make it offensive, it would have to be inherently offensive for me to say one has a "right" to be offended.

An example: What if my neighbor got offended when I say "have a good day" at the end of a conversation.  He gets 100% fuming offended, does he have a "right" to get offended just because he feels offended?  He has a perfect right to his own feelings, but he doesn't have a "right" to be offended by my comment.  Now if I ended the conversation with a racial slur, he would have a "right" to be offended.

Now if read my other posts will see that doesn't mean one shouldn't screen out men who ask it.   

Edited by SumGuy
  • Like 2
Posted

Best to be right up front and proud of whatever it is .

For example. "I pack groceries at minimart, drive a beater and live in a trailer in my folks driveway".

  • Author
Posted
2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Alvi, I think what you are reacting to is feeling like you are being "qualified."  Whether or not you "measure up" to their standards.  And that's a crap feeling, no matter how great a job you have, how much money you make, how young or old you are, etc.

Being asked about your occupation, your living situation, your age, etc are qualifying questions, and I am same as you, I find them contrived and arbitrary.

This is why I dislike traditional dating.  Everyone is trying to impress each other, qualifying each other.

It's not natural imo.

Don't feel defensive, you have the right to be put off by it.  I am as well.

And if you feel like you want to cut a guy off who's shooting off such qualifying type questions, don't feel guilty about it either.  You're not comfortable and you're entitled to feel that way.  They're your feelings, no one else's.

One of these days, you'll meet a man (on line or off) and it will all flow naturally.  You won't feel you are being qualified or interviewed, it will be a fun easy flow... and you will either quickly feel a connection (as far as you can feel connected on line) and make a plan to meet in person, or you won't.

 

 

Poppyfields, Bless Your Heart! Thank you for supporting instead of judging me and/or jumping to some conclusions.

 It seems like you are the only one who understands what I am trying to say here. I couldn't come up with the right word, but you are absolutely right, I feel like these guys are trying to "qualify" me before getting to know me. Yes, exactly, I do feel very insecure that I might not measure up to their standards. This is from my ex, who was always telling me that I am always doing everything the wrong way and that I am basically not good enough for him. It wasn't anything related to my job but he made me feel very incompetent, like I couldn't even wipe the table the right way. It took me two years to let go a feeling of incompetency. Probably this is why I am react so strongly when guys ask me questions. I am all for the conversation flow naturally. Like you find out stuff about a person by conversing with him or her. I do find straight off the bat questions about my job and the housing  to be very intrusive.

Of course I have the right to feel whatever I feel. If I am not comfortable with some line of questioning, then I am not comfortable. 

 

 

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted
2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

For me, it's let's chat a bit, let's see if we vibe, gauge the energy between us!  And if we're vibing well and the energy is good and positive, those types of questions will get answered in time, naturally and organically in the normal course of conversation and getting to know each other.

This is exactly how it is for me too. I mean, with the right energy and enough tact from a guy, the sky is the limit! I can discuss anything and everything if I feel that special connection and don't feel cornered by a guy. Of course I don't mind asking questions about my job, but yes, a million yesses, only if it comes organically. Not straight off: "What do you for a living? " "What is your living situation  like? " I feel like I am being ambushed by those questions. 

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

And if you feel like you want to cut a guy off who's shooting off such qualifying type questions, don't feel guilty about it either.  You're not comfortable and you're entitled to feel that way.  They're your feelings, no one else's.

Of course, especially after I told a guy that I am not comfortable discussing it so soon. Just for the record, I never ask guys what they do or where they live till we established a rapport. 

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

One of these days, you'll meet a man (on line or off) and it will all flow naturally.  You won't feel you are being qualified or interviewed, it will be a fun easy flow... and you will either quickly feel a connection (as far as you can feel connected on line) and make a plan to meet in person, or you won't.

Thank you for your kind words. Boy, oh boy, finding the one is sure not easy. With the right guy conversations sure do fly naturally and effortlessly.

Thank you for making sense of my feelings and putting them to words!

Posted

You should have said you only wanted your feelings approuved. I thought you wanted an answer to the question in your title.

 

  • Like 5
Posted
6 hours ago, Alvi said:

Nothing at all. I have a picture of myself in the job and another one me jogging, but hey, nobody is enquiring about my hobbies, lol.

You might've just coincidentally struck a string of pretty boring guys in a row, some people can't even come up with anything else to say starting of. Same thing happens at parties or some group thing whatever , first thing someone anyone will ask is what you do , it's just the old very boring opener . ldk about in an old thing though , l can see how it would annoy ya though first up.It's normal convo in somewhere along the line but yeah straight up especially as you say in potentially romantic sitch, bit off.

Or a just coincidentally string of guys that've all been ripped off by women or ex's haha.

  • Like 1
Posted

The question can come off a little too intrusive.

It became essentially synonymous with the question "Who are you?"

I don't think it's a rude question in the traditional sense.

But, when and how you ask can be rude.

  • Like 1
×
×
  • Create New...