Is it appropriate to ask a person about his or her job during first few texts?

[Alvi]

Hello everybody!

I don't know if I am making a big deal out of this or not. Maybe I am just being too sensitive or overreacting to this question. Maybe this is totally acceptable question to ask in nowadays society but please help me understand whether this is appropriate or not.

Let's just say that I don't mind being asked what I do for a living. But as they say, timing is everything. Is it appropriate if a guy asks you about your job or living in the first message or in a second or even third message? Some guys don't even bother asking your name or anything at all about you and yet they ask you where you work. Why would a guy literally be OK asking me in a first message: "Hello, what do you do for a living?" Huh? Dude, you don't even know my name. Do I have a right to be offended here?

The problem is that I get more and more messages like that. Is it a rude and not very appropriate question to ask right away any potential partners?  I don't remember guys being so blunt on-line 13 years ago or so. They would get a sense of what I was like as a person first before asking me anything job related or inquiring about my living conditions.  If I asked a guy that, I would possibly be labeled a golddigger. Many people would gang up on me here telling me what a horrible terrible person I am and that I only care about that person's money. But is this a male version of a golddigger that I am encountering? I feel like they try to size up my wealth and are already counting my money. Hey, we are not even married yet to combine our incomes, lol.

Yesterday, some guy messaged me.  Right away he asked me about my living conditions. I tried to stir a conversation away from that and what do you know? I just knew that right his next question would be about my job. And I was right. I ended up telling him off and blocked him.  I felt very uneasy about his line of questions. It also occurred to me that he never asked me my name nor volunteered his own name. He never asked me anything about my interests, outlooks on life, my hobbies. Nothing at all except my living situation and my job. Why would he care about where and with whom I live and how much money I earn so early on?

Are they just poor communicators or there is a lot more sinister stuff going on in their heads? Is it rude, crude and plain inappropriate? Is inquiring about your job right away more acceptable than, let's say, asking about your favorite sex act? Would a woman get offended if  a guy walked up to her on a street and straight up asked her where and with whom she lives and inquired about her employment. How would he fare with her? Would she actually give him her phone number or would she tell him to get away from her? I am honestly at loss here.

Hope my ramble makes some sense, lol. 

[ShyViolet]

Whoa, I think you are overreacting just a tad.  Is there something about your job or living situation that is a sensitive, touchy subject for you or something?  Asking what someone does for a living is a totally normal question that is usually asked very early on in meeting someone.  No, it's not normal to literally ask "Hi, what do you do for a living" as the FIRST message, I agree that is weird.  But for them to ask that question early on in the conversation, yes that is completely common and normal.  I am not seeing your logic in equating that question with "trying to size up your wealth or how much money you make."  Those two are not the same thing.  You are jumping to conclusions.

[cleverusername]

It's weird. What country do you live in?

[Alvi]

2 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

It's weird. What country do you live in?

Canada

[cleverusername]

1 minute ago, Alvi said:

Canada

Yeah, that's weird. So many other things to talk about with a woman at the beginning other than work. Do you  have anything work related in your pictures or pictures of you doing expensive things? On a yacht? At some Gala? 

[Alvi]

9 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Whoa, I think you are overreacting just a tad.  Is there something about your job or living situation that is a sensitive, touchy subject for you or something?  Asking what someone does for a living is a totally normal question that is usually asked very early on in meeting someone.  No, it's not normal to literally ask "Hi, what do you do for a living" as the FIRST message, I agree that is weird.  But for them to ask that question early on in the conversation, yes that is completely common and normal.  I am not seeing your logic in equating that question with "trying to size up your wealth or how much money you make."  Those two are not the same thing.  You are jumping to conclusions.

But that is the thing, it doesn't come early on in the conversation. The entire conversation, the very first question is about my job. Not my name, not my interests, nothing except what I do for a living. Heck, the guys don't even tell me anything about themselves. It's like they are trying to size me up whether or not I am worthy of their time or something. What if I said I was laid off? Don't think they would stick around? Don't think so. That is all that they care about, what I do for a living. I don't mind talking about my job, just not in the first or during a second message. That's all. Like I've wrote above, I don't even know guy's name. How is that appropriate? But maybe you are right, I just should go with a flow.

Edited May 26, 2021 by Alvi

[Alvi]

2 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Yeah, that's weird. So many other things to talk about with a woman at the beginning other than work. Do you  have anything work related in your pictures or pictures of you doing expensive things? On a yacht? At some Gala? 

Nothing at all. I have a picture of myself in the job and another one me jogging, but hey, nobody is enquiring about my hobbies, lol.

[Gaeta]

I will ask what he does for work on 2nd message and l don't mind being asked quickly.

What's the big deal? 

To me it's useless to learn a bunch of things about him then 3 days later l learn he doesn't work or he works nights only. 

I've notice people that are offended being asked about their job often wish they had a better job. 

You need to relax. 

[d0nnivain]

Back in college everybody asked What's your major?  It is an easy way of breaking the ice.  The grown up version is What do you do?  

It's kind of an anti-gold digger qualifier for men but can come across as gold digging when a woman asks if there is a real discrepancy in income potential.   I asked that Q when I was dating but I'm in an a big fancy industry & can support myself.  

The Q isn't the problem.  The timing was.  I would not answer Qs about my job or my living arrangements from somebody who didn't ask my name or offer there's.  Conversation is an art.  I prefer to interact with people with good communication skills.  There was probably a snippet somewhere in the profile that could have provided a better jumping off point.  Granted I'm married & not looking but any profile about me would probably include the fact that I have & love Dalmatians.  I'd expect a Q about that 1st because it's something I already disclosed.  

Edited May 26, 2021 by d0nnivain

[cleverusername]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

Back in college everybody asked What's your major?  It is an easy way of breaking the ice.  The grown version is What do you do?  

The Q isn't the problem.  The timing was.  I would not answer Qs about my job or my living arrangements from somebody who didn't ask my name or offer there's.  Conversation is an art.  I prefer to interact with people with good communication skills.  There was probably a snippet somewhere in the profile that could have provided a better jumping off point.  Granted I'm married & not looking but any profile about me would probably include the fact that I have & love Dalmatians.  I'd expect a Q about that 1st because it's something I already disclosed.  

Awww, Dalmatians are cute especially as puppies! Do you work with Dalmatians as part of a rescue or something?  

[ShyViolet]

What you do for a living, your age, the general area where you live, these are basic biographical facts that are so basic that people usually put them right in their profiles.  You are being touchy about this one fact about yourself, I'm sure there is a reason.  Or else why not just answer the question and move on?  What I find weird is how offended you are getting by the question.

[d0nnivain]

No, Dalmatians are not part of my job.  I just have one.  I love them.  I have brought her to work with me but I own the company so it's OK.  

[cleverusername]

11 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

No, Dalmatians are not part of my job.  I just have one.  I love them.  I have brought her to work with me but I own the company so it's OK.  

"That's awesome! What kind of company is it?"

Thanks for the set up

OP and everyone else, perfect example here on how you can find out what someone does while taking interest in other parts of their life. It doesn't have to be the first message and it's not hard. People are just lazy and judgy.

Edited May 26, 2021 by cleverusername

[Alvi]

12 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

What you do for a living, your age, the general area where you live, these are basic biographical facts that are so basic that people usually put them right in their profiles.  You are being touchy about this one fact about yourself, I'm sure there is a reason.  Or else why not just answer the question and move on?  What I find weird is how offended you are getting by the question.

I like my job, well, on most days, lol. I live on my own, bought a house. What irks me here I think is that a guys doesn't even tries to find out my name or anything about me. Just my job and my living conditions. That is all. I would prefer if a guy talked about my hobbies, interests, or about himself first before asking me about my job. Maybe I am just too sensitive. That is why I am asking what is acceptable and what is not.

[Alvi]

12 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

That's awesome! Also, thanks for the set up.

OP and everyone else, perfect example here on how you can find out what someone does while taking interest in other parts of their life. It doesn't have to be the first message and it's not hard. People are just lazy and judgy.

Edited 3 minutes ago by cleverusername

Oh wow, a perfect example. See, this is how I would prefer someone asked me some questions. Asking without asking. Not just bluntly inquiring about stuff.

[Calmandfocused]

I am a woman and I too would ask this question quite early on. 
 

The reason being is because I would 100% not be interested in dating someone who is unemployed.

Some men are 100% not interested in dating a woman who is unemployed either. 
 

It’s not necessarily about “gold digging”. It can be about ensuring that you hold the same work values from the get go.

 

“What do you do for work? Is a totally reasonable question IMO! “Where do you work?” Is not. 
 

 

Edited May 26, 2021 by Calmandfocused

[d0nnivain]

2 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Oh wow, a perfect example. See, this is how I would prefer someone asked me some questions. Asking without asking. Not just bluntly inquiring about stuff.

That's what we were getting at.  In your initial post it seemed a little like the Q was the problem, which it isn't.  It's the pace of the conversation.  

It's OLD.  Get a thicker skin.  When they annoy you just weed them out & move along.  There's no sense wasting energy being upset.  

[Alvi]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I will ask what he does for work on 2nd message and l don't mind being asked quickly.

What's the big deal? 

To me it's useless to learn a bunch of things about him then 3 days later l learn he doesn't work or he works nights only. 

I've notice people that are offended being asked about their job often wish they had a better job. 

You need to relax. 

The big deal for me is that they don't want to find out anything else about me rather than about my job and/or my living conditions. Some men are not interested in something so basic as your name. When I try to stir a convo away, they still don't get a hint.

No, that's not why I am offended. I am offended because they see me as a walking dollar sigh rather than a potential dating partner. I was told on many occasions that I am very sensitive,  so that is why I could be offended. 

But seriously, let's flip a scenario a bit. Let's say a guy was asking you anything about sex or sex related. If he sends you an opening message: "Hello, do you like (insert any sex act here)?" No name, nothing. No other inquiries or volunteering stuff about himself whatsoever. Would you still think this is totally fine? You may not have anything to hide when it comes to sex or may indeed enjoy that particular sex act, but would you not find that rude, crude and offensive? It's not like you are hiding anything, but would you find that appropriate and want to continue conversing with this guy? And if would still want to talk to this particular guy but ask him to let's talk about something else (not because you are ashamed of you sexuality but because you find his line of questions offensive) and he still persists talking about that particular sex act, would you not just block him?

Maybe I am overthinking this but I honestly believe there is a time and place for everything. These questions can be asked when you build some sort of rapport with a person, so I don't see any reason why they need to be asked  right off the bat.  Thinking back, when I was talking on-line to my ex, he never asked me anything about a job. I didn't ask him anything about his job either. We talked about fluff stuff like what was our favorite food, hobbies, travels, food allergies and intolerances, etc... We were getting to know each other as people, first and foremost. We touched jobs briefly during our first meet and in more details on our second date.

 

[BeanCounter]

Hmm, I definitely think it's an odd thing to open with consistently. However, I will say, if I ask a woman about her job or living conditions I am sincerely not probing for income information or anything of the sorts. I don't hold it against someone if they live with parents or family or whatever, s*** happens and you make it work for you. I ask about a woman's job/career because I'm genuinely interested in what they do, and if they have a passion for what they do. Jobs are a huge part of our lives, so it's more a conversation piece to get to know someone for me.

But, it's generally part of the first conversation for me, even though not the very first question...

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Alvi said:

I am offended because they see me as a walking dollar sigh

 

Why does your mind go there? Someone took advantage of you before?

As we speak I received a message on my dating app. My second message to him was to ask him what he does for work. I am not interested in his money. I want to know A) does he work B) is it a night job C) is it a job that allows him to financially pull his own weight. 

I think men ask what you do for living because there are a lot of women on dating apps that barely come by and jump from one man to another to assure their survival. 

[cleverusername]

16 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Why does your mind go there? Someone took advantage of you before?

As we speak I received a message on my dating app. My second message to him was to ask him what he does for work. I am not interested in his money. I want to know A) does he work B) is it a night job C) is it a job that allows him to financially pull his own weight. 

I think men ask what you do for living because there are a lot of women on dating apps that barely come by and jump from one man to another to assure their survival. 

Yeah sorry, if you're being literal than that's weird. 

Way too serious for the first or second question from a guy or girl. Might as well just start hitting on people at their place of work if it's so important for everyone. 

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Yeah sorry, if you're being literal than that's weird. 

Way too serious for the first or second question from a guy or girl. Might as well just start hitting on people at their place of work if it's so important for everyone. 

I don't follow you. 

I am simply asking what do you do for work. Nothing else. Why I ask is private to me in my head it's not something I elaborate with my contact.

 

[Ami1uwant]

17 minutes ago, Alvi said:

The big deal for me is that they don't want to find out anything else about me rather than about my job and/or my living conditions. Some men are not interested in something so basic as your name. When I try to stir a convo away, they still don't get a hint.

No, that's not why I am offended. I am offended because they see me as a walking dollar sigh rather than a potential dating partner. I was told on many occasions that I am very sensitive,  so that is why I could be offended. 

But seriously, let's flip a scenario a bit. Let's say a guy was asking you anything about sex or sex related. If he sends you an opening message: "Hello, do you like (insert any sex act here)?" No name, nothing. No other inquiries or volunteering stuff about himself whatsoever. Would you still think this is totally fine? You may not have anything to hide when it comes to sex or may indeed enjoy that particular sex act, but would you not find that rude, crude and offensive? It's not like you are hiding anything, but would you find that appropriate and want to continue conversing with this guy? And if would still want to talk to this particular guy but ask him to let's talk about something else (not because you are ashamed of you sexuality but because you find his line of questions offensive) and he still persists talking about that particular sex act, would you not just block him?

Maybe I am overthinking this but I honestly believe there is a time and place for everything. These questions can be asked when you build some sort of rapport with a person, so I don't see any reason why they need to be asked  right off the bat.  Thinking back, when I was talking on-line to my ex, he never asked me anything about a job. I didn't ask him anything about his job either. We talked about fluff stuff like what was our favorite food, hobbies, travels, food allergies and intolerances, etc... We were getting to know each other as people, first and foremost. We touched jobs briefly during our first meet and in more details on our second date.

 

Why are you reading...thrm asking you about your job or living conditions mean they are gold diggers???

 

I don’t know your sge and I don’t know how living spaces were affected due to Covid.

 

here in the states peop,e did move to more secure housing like living with parents, sibling, or friend of a job was lost.

 

living quarters coukd cramp a relationship where having roommates or living with parents probably kills sex.  This person might be living with buddies and looking at evrntuslly moving in together with a future GF.  There is hidden info in this topic you coukd learn

Also with the job market. Having a job or not us a conversation point as us talking about the kind of work ( maybe you have common interests in work fields), or common experience in having to go to work or trying times with zoom calls with Jeffrey Toibin wannabes.

 

in talking of career plans could lead toward long term goals like if you finish degrees you might change jobs or move or you just started with X so you are probably going to stay there for some time.

 

here in the states, in many metro areas you need a two income household to afford a house.  Ifyou are striving for this but you know if you need an equal partner in this in terms of income, you might not want have interest in lower paying jobs like school teach or social worker in a high cost of living area. But if you were a corporate middle manager you probably have a similar income

 

some people might not want to give details about their job because they could be googled.  Someone saying they are an elementary school teacher, knowing where they live around, and asking thrm about work commute you can get it down to 2-3 schools.  Similarly if you work in a higher profile position you might have an image of yourself in the company website.

 

 

 

[ShyViolet]

34 minutes ago, Alvi said:

No, that's not why I am offended. I am offended because they see me as a walking dollar sigh rather than a potential dating partner.

Asking what you do for a living means that someone sees you as a "walking dollar sign"?  This is a bizarre leap in logic.  You're taking this to an extreme.

[cleverusername]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I don't follow you. 

I am simply asking what do you do for work. Nothing else. Why I ask is private to me in my head it's not something I elaborate with my contact.

 

Yes, but it's a romantic relationship not a business networking lunch. I would be completely turned off if that was one of the first few messages I received from someone. There is nothing about me as an individual or in my profile interesting enough to warrant a message? 

It's a fine question to ask but at the very least establish some sort of connection with the individual first, that question can come later. 

Edited May 26, 2021 by cleverusername