reservoirdog1 Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 Question for the assembled female masses (in terms of "when you'd like to know"). And for the male contingent (in terms of "when I should say"). I'm divorced, with two small kids (8 and 4). They live with me about 35% of the time. Done a mix of regular and online dating in the last 2 years. Recently went online again, and have been chatting with a few women. I've changed my approach a bit this time: instead of answering "yes" to the "do you have kids" question, I leave it as "prefer not to say." Which, to me anyway, is code for "yes". And I've noticed that I get more responses now than I did before. (Or who knows, maybe I'm just better looking now... ) Point being: when should I bring it up? Wait until I'm asked? I have no intention of denying it if I'm asked point blank. My original approach with online dating was to mention the kids up front, so as to weed out anybody who had an issue with that. But I've also realized that if I meet a woman in a bar, bookstore, coffee place, etc., I'm not going to walk up and say "Hi, I'm RD, I'm divorced and have two small kids. Can I call you sometime?" Choosing "prefer not to say" is about the closest I think I can get to replicating the live approach. Anybody have any thoughts? And ladies, if you found out a guy you'd been chatting with online and just met in person for the first time had kids, and he'd never mentioned it and you'd never asked before now, what would be your reaction?
basscatcher Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 Anybody have any thoughts? And ladies, if you found out a guy you'd been chatting with online and just met in person for the first time had kids, and he'd never mentioned it and you'd never asked before now, what would be your reaction? I am one who prefers a man with children.. Especially if he is active in their lives.. I think a man who is actively invovled with their children is a better man. It shows me he cares and loves. That he is family oriented and that is very important to me. I think a man who is a father and actively involved is more in tune with who he is and with his feelings.. He is a better man then one who has none, A father is less selfish and self indulgent then a man without. IMHO.. I have a child, if a man doesnt want me because I have a child then he is a self man. I dont need someone like that in my life. I advertize that I have a child.. I am not embarrassed.. So what if I don't get as many dates because I am a single mother... I dont' need men who are cold, closed off, closed minded and heartless.. A man or woman who can accept the others persons children would be a much better mate... I wouldn't stop advertizing you have children to get more dates. Do you really want to date a woman who cant accept your children? Why set yourself up for the possiblity of meeting an amazing woman then she bails on you because she doenst want a man with children.. I think you should always be honest upfront and dont hide the fact you are a father... Good woman are attracted to a man who can or is a great father..
alphamale Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 I am one who prefers a man with children.. Especially if he is active in their lives.. I think a man who is actively invovled with their children is a better man. It shows me he cares and loves. That he is family oriented and that is very important to me. I think a man who is a father and actively involved is more in tune with who he is and with his feelings.. He is a better man then one who has none, A father is less selfish and self indulgent then a man without. IMHO.... I agree with your above assessment PADAMECKLA. But there are many downsides to dating a man with kids, some are listed below so that you can peruse them: - men w/ kids have more financial obligations so that mean fewer meals at 4-star restaurants - they also have much less time to spend with you than a man w/o kids - they may have a nasty ex-wife in the background that will never go away - you may be asked to take care of or help raise his children - if the man and women have kids its a nightmare to juggle schedules - going away for a romantic last-minute getaway wknd to Chicago is harder - kids, especially nasty ones, cause a lot of problems and headaches - his kids may not like you or may resent you as if you're tyring to replace their mother blah blah blah....I could go on and on but I see no point in it.
Author reservoirdog1 Posted October 17, 2005 Author Posted October 17, 2005 All that may be true, Alpha... but what are your thoughts on the original question?
basscatcher Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 I agree with your above assessment PADAMECKLA. But there are many downsides to dating a man with kids, some are listed below so that you can peruse them: - men w/ kids have more financial obligations so that mean fewer meals at 4-star restaurants - they also have much less time to spend with you than a man w/o kids - they may have a nasty ex-wife in the background that will never go away - you may be asked to take care of or help raise his children - if the man and women have kids its a nightmare to juggle schedules - going away for a romantic last-minute getaway wknd to Chicago is harder - kids, especially nasty ones, cause a lot of problems and headaches - his kids may not like you or may resent you as if you're tyring to replace their mother blah blah blah....I could go on and on but I see no point in it. ahaha true BUT... I am not selfish, I understand these issues and accept them, I am a child of a broken home I understand the stuggles from a childs point of view and I wouldnt want to go to Chicago anyway the twin cities is all the city I need I would prefer to pack up all the kids and hit the lake for a weekend anyway ..... I would never try to replace his kids mother.. I would be their friend... (I have dated men with children and I NEVER NEVER have had any problems with their children.) I don't do Four-star restaurants. I prefer down to earth establishements.. Anything higher up then Applebees, TGIFridays style is too much for me. I am down to earth. I'm not about money and having lots of it. I come from NO money so I know how to live within my means and budget. I prefer going hiking with a picnic backpack anyways... I love children so caring for them is natural and easy for me. ALPHA--there is nothing in your list that scares me.. I understand children very well-I was a troubled child, I have been in many shoes.. I still don't think RD should hide the fact he has two children. Why would he want to get involved with a woman who can't accept that he has two children--unless of course he just wants to do a ALPHA thing!! (A wham-bamn-thank-you-mam thing..) For some reason I don't think that is what he is looking for in the long haul.
alphamale Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 All that may be true, Alpha... but what are your thoughts on the original question? its your call when to bring it up RD...but personally, if I had kids (which I don't) I would not say anything until she asked me first. But then again you don't want to be on your 5th date before you tell her you have little peeps.
wanda1974 Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 RD, I think you should be honest and up front always about having children. By you putting on the internet, "prefer not to say", opposed to "Yes", you're not able to weed out the materialistic, self-absorbed women. A "real woman" would respect the fact that you're an active father and there for your kids. I certainly couldn't hook up with a dead beat father...you need to take responsibility, and that's what you display by being up front about having children. This is my honest opinion...and if you do meet a girl, and she doesn't know you have children, and then you tell her and she runs...you don't need that type of woman anyway.
cj_gal Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 wow...this is very interesting...read my last thread i just started...I accepted that the guy i am dating is going to be a father and he just instantly turned back to the person he was when i met him..I am scared he won't want me after he sees her with the baby...or as she gets bigger..so RD you tell me..why would you want to hide the fact that you have kids from her..if she doesn't want to accept them with you..then she wasn't the one in the first place.. I am willing to try to do this with my s/o...but i don't know if it will be enough for him...If you are a good dad..congrats...more power to you and I love to see how a guy is with his kids..makes me think if I had any with him..I would think..WOW ...what a great guy...
hooghie Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 And ladies, if you found out a guy you'd been chatting with online and just met in person for the first time had kids, and he'd never mentioned it and you'd never asked before now, what would be your reaction? I wouldn't be interested for 2 reasons: 1. I think that is a HUGE thing to leave out - specially if we've been chatting and talking about meeting up 2. I wouldn't date a guy with kids at this point in my life so I would see it as a waste of my time. Other women may be different. There are some women who wouldn't be interested if they knew upfront, but won't care later. Still, I think I would look at it as being deceitful if you didn't tell me even IF I didn't care that you have kids.
bunnzy Posted October 17, 2005 Posted October 17, 2005 I am dating a man with 3 children, and really if you are a good person, you will want to know the man. When you love him, it will be easy to love the children too. You will want someone who will love your children and if she doesnt know about them when you first approach her your chances are not good.
Mz. Pixie Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 RD- all of what Alpha says only applies to certain women.....sounds like he's spouting reasons NOT to be a parent more than anything else. Me, I want to know up front if a guy has kids or not. The reason being?? Well, I do and they are very important to me. A guy with kids who shares custody is going to be more understanding about my time schedules than one who doesn't. He's going to understand I need a week to plan for getting a babysitter for a date and that he can't just call me on the spur of the moment when it's my time with the kids and ask to meet at the bar. I think it's important to be upfront. A good woman likes to know if the guy she's dating takes his commitment to his kids seriously- AND all of the other issues won't bother her. The guy I'm married to, he told me up front he had a son, and I told him up front I had two kids. The first time he asked me out, he made sure to give me enough time to get a sitter. I arranged my visitation to match his later and now we have our kids at the same time and two weeks off a month to be with each other. I would be majorly pissed if I went out with a guy a couple of times and he mentioned his children offhand. That would be like a red flag in my eyes.
basscatcher Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 Exactly Mz. P. I am currently dating a man with 4 kids; ages 7 through 15. He picks them up for school everyday and picks them up after school. He has them every other weekend, every Weds, and Friday nights he has them till 9 PM.. It doesnt bother me a bit... I think its great that he has so much time with them.. His time with them gives me my time for me. My son is 16 so he is independant and doesnt need much time with me. I am here if he does. I veiw a man who spends quality time with his children as being loving and devoted when he is committed.. I see that as quality in a man. I'm sorry but a man who doesnt want kids or doesnt like kids ---IMO---is selfish, self absorbed, hard to love and he doesnt know what love is. Period!!
alphamale Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 I'm sorry but a man who doesnt want kids or doesnt like kids ---IMO---is selfish, self absorbed, hard to love and he doesnt know what love is. I disagree PADAMECKLA....one does not need to have children to know about love. In addition, there are many parents out there with very troublesome kids who cause a great deal of stress and resentment in their lives. I've dated women who's children had made them selfish, self-absorbed and hard to love. Also, when you add more "parties" to the dating equation then there is more potential for things to go wrong. You may like the other person's kids but they won't necessarily like you back.
basscatcher Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 I disagree PADAMECKLA....one does not need to have children to know about love. In addition, there are many parents out there with very troublesome kids who cause a great deal of stress and resentment in their lives. I've dated women who's children had made them selfish, self-absorbed and hard to love. Also, when you add more "parties" to the dating equation then there is more potential for things to go wrong. You may like the other person's kids but they won't necessarily like you back. In my opinion; I think the purest form of love is learned with young children. Their innocense is pure, their love is pure we can't help but reciprocate it. I have yet to meet a man who doesnt have children and doesnt want them who isnt self absorbed and selfish. Troubled kids tend to come from troubled parents or neglectful parents. I know a lot of single parents; me being one of them. Some of them have great kids and some have rotten kids. The kids who are good kids having caring, nurturing, mothers who don't ignor their kids, pawn them off with others, run the bars all weekend long, don't drag strange men into their homes like a cheap motel. They listen to their kids, communicate with them, are patient with them and help them with what they are feeling and thinking. The kids who are brats don't have all that support.. I have several associates who's kids are brats through and through and if you look at the parent you can see that they yell at their kids, don't listen to them, don't spend quality time with them, don't communicate with them about feelings and life issues. These women are so busy about fixing their own needs they neglect their kids needs. Hence, there kids act out for attention (negative attention). If the children cant get possitive attention they will do what they have to get negative attention. I've seen it over and over.. Never failing.. If the children of my SO didn't like me its most likely because they feel threatened by me, ex: taking daddy attention and time away from them, fear the I will come in and change everything as they know it, etc. etc.. Children are little people with feelings, thoughts, opinions, ideas. They deserve the same respect you would give a co-worker, client, boss, friend, parent, etc. etc. You couldn't understand this ALPHA because you chose to put yourself first. You don't want children. You don't want to die to YOUR needs.. You dont want to sacrafice your pleasures for someone else. That is Selfish.
SmoochieFace Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 As a single Dad of a seven year-old son, I totally agree with you, Padameckla. Your post is one of the best posts I have read here and it goes to show that there ARE good people out there who do the right thing. Too bad there aren't more people like you in our society.
alphamale Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 You couldn't understand this ALPHA because you chose to put yourself first. You don't want children. You don't want to die to YOUR needs.. You dont want to sacrafice your pleasures for someone else. That is Selfish. People have kids for many reasons and something like 40% of pregnancies are unplanned. I have met and dated single mothers that are so stressed out from dealing with their kids that they are practically un-dateable. Children are great if you want them but my pooint-of-view is that there are too many kids in the world today. If you want a kid or two then adopt them....but too many potential parents are waaaaaay too selfish to adopt kids. They want carbon-copies of themselves....to me that is the epitome of selfishness. When these selfish bufoons choose to bring more kids into the world when we already have millions that need a home and food and parents. Also, there are just as many selfish parents as there are selfish non-parents.
littlekitty Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 Anybody have any thoughts? And ladies, if you found out a guy you'd been chatting with online and just met in person for the first time had kids, and he'd never mentioned it and you'd never asked before now, what would be your reaction? I met my current partner online. We spoke for about 3 weeks before arranging a meet. He told me he had a child BEFORE we met. That was a great decision on his behalf and one I very much respect him for. We had been speaking for some time before he mentioned his son, and although I was shocked when he told me, I was grateful he bought it up before we met up in person. It was the correct and curtious thing to do. It gave me a choice as to whether to continue down the road we were heading and his honesty meant I was more than willing to meet him and see what happened. His having a child didn't bother me at all. In my situation, it was his honesty with me that spoke the most to me.
basscatcher Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 People have kids for many reasons and something like 40% of pregnancies are unplanned. I have met and dated single mothers that are so stressed out from dealing with their kids that they are practically un-dateable. Children are great if you want them but my pooint-of-view is that there are too many kids in the world today. If you want a kid or two then adopt them....but too many potential parents are waaaaaay too selfish to adopt kids. They want carbon-copies of themselves....to me that is the epitome of selfishness. Also, there are just as many selfish parents as there are selfish non-parents. I was pregnant at 18 I miscarried at 18 weeks. I cried my heart out for my little girl.. I was pregnant 1 1/2 months later with my son.. I was unemployed, not married, only a high school diploma and very little work experience.. I would have been considered a loser by society standards... BUT I wanted my babies, in my mind they are NOT acciddents. It was my responsibility to love them and care for them. I dreamed of having 5 children and only had one to raise and he is a beautiful young man. I have endometriosis which at my age (36) could mean I may never be able to have another child. I didn't get pregnant again because I wasn't going to have another child with a dead-beat, selfish, loser again. As much as I love children I know children need both parents.. My heart aches for kids who are neglected and not wanted.. I would adopt if I could but I cant because I can't afford too and I wouldn't adopt unless I had a support and loving husband. There are not too many kids in this world; there are too many unwanted kids in this selfish world. Society has programed men and women to think about ME, MYSELF, and I. The majority of society is not supportive or encouraging of unity of family and love of others. Its about taking; not giving. People who only want carbon-copies of themselves once again are selfish. It still represents ME, MYSELF, and I. It is however, natural to want to pro-create with the person you chose to love and be with till death do you part.. So the selfishness is not truly selfish. I do believe adoption is the bigger of the two. If a person can open their hearts up to someone elses children and love them as their own they truly will be blessed and will learn a more perfect love.
MassiveAtom Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 Great thread RD, Me too, same boat, Single with two, 7&3. I think the online dating world is a little different. It's an attempt to find a tailor made partner in an "off the rack world" so yeah, you put all your cards on the table and see what pans out. but IRL, all bets are double down. Of course you don't walk up and say, "Hi, I'm divorced with two kids and my support payment are nealry killing me." LOL! I think telling a woman you have kids will get "forced" the first time plans with her are bumped for the "lil chalupas." Don't offer private information, unless it's relevant to the continued success of a good relationship. When you meet that 22yo in the bar, it's probably not necessary to do anything but put on your game face..... and if things go right, she'll be seeing your "O" face! LOL!!!
alphamale Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 I do believe adoption is the bigger of the two. If a person can open their hearts up to someone elses children and love them as their own they truly will be blessed and will learn a more perfect love. THere are millions of kids that go to bed hungry at night and many don't even have a roof over their heads. Kids in some third-world nations roam the streets like half-starved rats with no where to go and no nothing to eat. The literally beg for what little they have. This is sad. What is even sadder is that 99% of white americans turn a blind eye to these mostly non-white children who have nothing to their names. If Americans were really unselfish they'd stop having kids and start adopting kids from other nations. But NOOOOOOO.....they can't do that . The are so selfish that their kids have to look like them and be the same religion and same culture. They don't give a krap about the millions of other kids dying all over the world. THAT IS TOTAL AND UNADULTERATED SELFISHNESS.
basscatcher Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 THere are millions of kids that go to bed hungry at night and many don't even have a roof over their heads. Kids in some third-world nations roam the streets like half-starved rats with no where to go and no nothing to eat. The literally beg for what little they have. This is sad. What is even sadder is that 99% of white americans turn a blind eye to these mostly non-white children who have nothing to their names. If Americans were really unselfish they'd stop having kids and start adopting kids from other nations. But NOOOOOOO.....they can't do that . The are so selfish that their kids have to look like them and be the same religion and same culture. They don't give a krap about the millions of other kids dying all over the world. THAT IS TOTAL AND UNADULTERATED SELFISHNESS. Exactly,, So would you consider adopting kids?? I would if I had a loving supportive husband and I could afford them.. I don't see you as the type to adopt.. You can spout off your opinions but you don't show the example with your own life. Talk is cheap actions are expensive..
alphamale Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 Exactly,, So would you consider adopting kids?? Sure, I would do that before having any of my own. But right now I like being single and child-less. I don't want to bring any more kids into the world but I would adopt if I was married and it was OK with both of us.
MassiveAtom Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 Is not selfish, and not self absorbed, it's quite the opposite, and really is a topic for another thread. BUT Selfishness is not always bad, and in this case I think those that don't want kids are doing the world a favor by not bringing unwanted children into the world. Imagine a world FULL of wanted children. AND If you consider that having children is in itself an assertion to the world that you WILL continue your bloodline, and WILL live on forever in this other person. that you can do something to MAKE that person grow up to be anything but what they choose, even if that's a Charles Manson, That you have what it takes to contribute something to the world, that you can exert your will over another person long enough to be in control of them long enough to make them want to please you, is absurdly selfish and self absorbed. NOW Under no circumstances do I EVER want to father another child. Biologically. Is that selfish? YES! AND I would raise an adopted child without hesitation. Someday, but not right now. Is that selfish? YES! But how could anyone say I'm cold and don't know how to love? It just doesn't follow. SO, What would happen if everyone stopped breeding and we started caring about the ALL of the children that are already ON this friggin rock!? just my 2mil
basscatcher Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 Sure, I would do that before having any of my own. But right now I like being single and child-less. I don't want to bring any more kids into the world but I would adopt if I was married and it was OK with both of us. WOW.. :eek: I have to wonder if you are sincere. You just blew my vision of you apart-- just a little bit. hmm Maybe there is a good guy deep down inside of you who has a caring heart.. Someone (Yourself) needs to dig the dirt away and break down that 10 foot concrete wall around it.. You never sieze to amaze me ALPHA. You are definetly the type of guy woman love to love and love to hate..
alphamale Posted October 18, 2005 Posted October 18, 2005 hmm Maybe there is a good guy deep down inside of you who has a caring heart.. there is... You never sieze to amaze me ALPHA. I believe that should be "cease" and not "sieze" You are definetly the type of guy woman love to love and love to hate.. yes, women love me cause i have both strong masculine and strong feminine qualities... its just which one I let them see on that particular day. I can even cook and clean and tell you all about spongebob squarepants.
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