TheDarkMiller Posted May 25, 2021 Posted May 25, 2021 Both in UK. I (28) matched with this girl (26) on Hinge beginning of last week. We spoke few days in-app and conversation was great so I gave her my number Friday and we've been texting each other few times every day. Since moving things to texting the conversation isn't as captivating, we still have topics we talk about but it's definitely not as engaging as it was when talking through the app. I'm use to talking to girls who message a lot as that builds up anticipation for the date, it gets me looking forward to it more and I e always been like that. On the weekend I asked her for a game of mini golf and booze for this Thursday but she said she'd rather just have a drink and get to know each other which I agreed to. It's got to the point where I don't reply as quick in case the conversation goes stale. Maybe it's different communication styles, different cultures/backgrounds (I'm English she is French) or something else. Maybe I'm looking into it but this is the first time I have a date lined up with someone who doesn't get me excited via texting. She's my type from a physical POV if any one is wondering. Just curious if anyone has been in a similar position? Got to the point where I'm not excited for the date due to the texting conversation, but excited due to her appearance, the fact she seems sweet, and the in-app chat somewhat, but lacks a personality over text.
Sun Seeker Posted May 25, 2021 Posted May 25, 2021 Why are you texting so much before meeting? That's a rookie mistake. Before meeting for the first time, texting should be minimal. It's used to arrange the date. Sure if she texts reply to her, but daily constant texting is over investing. It sounds like due to your own insecurities you think if you don't keep in constant contact she may go off you. This is the wrong mindset. If she's agreed to a date on Thursday then she's clearly interested, so carry on with life until then. 5
dramafreezone Posted May 25, 2021 Posted May 25, 2021 So don't do it. If she texts, keep it polite but short. Don't get into some long drawn out conversations. It works against both people's attraction IMO. Get to know each other in person, use texting to hash out the details of meeting up. 1
Author TheDarkMiller Posted May 25, 2021 Author Posted May 25, 2021 3 minutes ago, Punterxx said: Why are you texting so much before meeting? That's a rookie mistake. Before meeting for the first time, texting should be minimal. It's used to arrange the date. Sure if she texts reply to her, but daily constant texting is over investing. It sounds like due to your own insecurities you think if you don't keep in constant contact she may go off you. This is the wrong mindset. If she's agreed to a date on Thursday then she's clearly interested, so carry on with life until then. Oh it's not down to insecurities at all, I'm just a massive texter and so have all my other previous partners so the lack of 'big texter' with this woman is something I'm not use to that's all. Whenever I've tried the whole "texting is just to plan dates", the girls have flaked, ghosted or decided to not have the date. I guess different experiences for different people
dramafreezone Posted May 25, 2021 Posted May 25, 2021 1 minute ago, TheDarkMiller said: Oh it's not down to insecurities at all, I'm just a massive texter and so have all my other previous partners so the lack of 'big texter' with this woman is something I'm not use to that's all. Whenever I've tried the whole "texting is just to plan dates", the girls have flaked, ghosted or decided to not have the date. I guess different experiences for different people You were probably done a favor then. That is silly, you two agreed to go out on a date at such and such a time or a certain day. If they flaked because there wasn't enough pre-date inane texting then good riddance. 1
Gaeta Posted May 25, 2021 Posted May 25, 2021 8 minutes ago, TheDarkMiller said: I'm just a massive texter At first it's fun to text but not everyone can keep up with a massive texter, I know it would annoy me at some point and I'd slow the texting debit. I think that's what she does. Go meet her, relatonships are about spending time together, not about texting style. 3
BeanCounter Posted May 25, 2021 Posted May 25, 2021 I've been there for sure. I also text pretty frequently to actually meeting someone, I just assumed that was normal. The choice is yours, I don't think it hurts much to actually still go on the date and just see how it goes. If it's on the same downward trend as the text history, thanks for the time but I am no longer interested? No harm in trying.
poppyfields Posted May 25, 2021 Posted May 25, 2021 (edited) 14 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: So don't do it. If she texts, keep it polite but short. Don't get into some long drawn out conversations. It works against both people's attraction IMO. Get to know each other in person, use texting to hash out the details of meeting up. I agree with you, in fact if I ever do OLDing again, if we're vibing on line (no matter how brief) I would prefer to meet sooner rather than later, preferably that night or next day, even if just for 15 minutes. Otherwise, you risk yourself or the other person overthinking and over-stressing, and ultimately flaking, just like what is happening now OP. Also you gotta understand attractive women get bombarded with messages, all the more reason to meet sooner rather than later. If you wait, even a couple of days, you risk her talking to and meeting another man she likes better than you. Strike while the iron is HOT!! That said, I know many women like to chat a bit prior, my ex and I did that and it worked out, but I don't recommend it. Meet soon, do NOT wait, and gauge chemistry and compatibility in person. No one is "too busy" to have a 15 minute cup of coffee. Edited May 25, 2021 by poppyfields 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 25, 2021 Posted May 25, 2021 1 hour ago, TheDarkMiller said: On the weekend I asked her for a game of mini golf and booze for this Thursday but she said she'd rather just have a drink and get to know each other which I agreed to. Excellent. The in person chemistry is the real determinant of it's it's worth chitchatting all the time.
cleverusername Posted May 26, 2021 Posted May 26, 2021 (edited) Texting is a tool. The notion texting should only be used to make plans is a lie. Texting should be done with a purpose, what exactly that purpose is rests on your shoulders. Get to know her? Sure. Make her laugh with a picture of video? Ok. Set up plans? Great. Meaningless words just for the sake of words? Waste of time. In fact, I never text anyone more than 3 times a day. Nothing worth texting over is important enough to need to communicate more than that. You can however, build attraction over text, if you know what you're doing. Edited May 26, 2021 by cleverusername
ShyViolet Posted May 26, 2021 Posted May 26, 2021 Stop the endless texting. Texting doesn't "build up anticipation for the date", it can actually have the opposite effect-- kind of killing the chemistry. Not everyone likes a lot of texting. Not everyone might come across as their best self through texting. Save the conversation for the actual date. Arrange a brief date to see if you have chemistry in person. It's not a good idea to endlessly text before meeting in person.
Dis Posted May 26, 2021 Posted May 26, 2021 I like a good amount of texting too. I think it builds a baseline connection and like you said, builds excitement But, generally speaking people are different from their texting persona so don't go into the date thinking she will be dull like she is over text because chances are she'll be different in person. An in person connection is what matters most and from there, if you guys like each other then texting might increase. You have to remember she doesn't know you yet and most people don't like to text someone they don't know all the time. And just a tip, if you really want to gauge her personality and have a general idea if you'll click with her, have short phone call prior to the date. I've always found if I like how someone vibes over the phone I usually like them on the date Good luck!
Datergirl Posted May 26, 2021 Posted May 26, 2021 (edited) I'm not a massive texter, imo, its a poor way to get to know someone. Face to face is much better for me to hear tone of voice, facial expressions, something I can work with. People can put on more of an act with texting, there's time to cultivate the 'perfect' response, in person you get an immediate reaction/response which is more indicative of the person's character. I place more value in someone who doesn't want to text all day. I don't want to be with someone whose relationship is with their phone instead of with me! Edited May 26, 2021 by Datergirl
Wiseman2 Posted May 26, 2021 Posted May 26, 2021 2 hours ago, Datergirl said: People can put on more of an act with texting, Agree. Not to mention they can text the same thing to several people, especially the nonsense "good morning" and "good night" texts. Additionally they can text while on the toilet, watching TV, driving, in a bar on another date, etc.
Alpacalia Posted May 26, 2021 Posted May 26, 2021 14 hours ago, TheDarkMiller said: Just curious if anyone has been in a similar position? Got to the point where I'm not excited for the date due to the texting conversation, but excited due to her appearance, the fact she seems sweet, and the in-app chat somewhat, but lacks a personality over text. Yes, years ago. Not much of a connection via text but in person was a different story. But I dislike arbitrary texting rules. It takes all of the enjoyment out of the getting to know you process in general. If you're not feeling that much of a connection via text, and that's something that is important to you, you can always call off the date.
d0nnivain Posted May 26, 2021 Posted May 26, 2021 (edited) Just tell her that. Say something like I am looking forward to seeing you on Thursday but I'm not much of a texter. I mention it so you don't think the frequency of my texts or time to respond means anything other than I don't like texting. See you tomorrow. That should get you off the hook. If they flake after that well, good riddance You need to date somebody who can communicate without a device in their hand who doesn't need constant reassurance -- you know a self-actualized adult. Edited May 26, 2021 by d0nnivain 1
Alpacalia Posted May 26, 2021 Posted May 26, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: Just tell her that. Say something like I am looking forward to seeing you on Thursday but I'm not much of a texter. I mention it so you don't think the frequency of my texts or time to respond means anything other than I don't like texting. See you tomorrow. That should get you off the hook. If they flake after that well, good riddance You need to date somebody who can communicate without a device in their hand who doesn't need constant reassurance -- you know a self-actualized adult. He said he's a massive texter. 17 hours ago, TheDarkMiller said: Oh it's not down to insecurities at all, I'm just a massive texter and so have all my other previous partners so the lack of 'big texter' with this woman is something I'm not use to that's all. Edited May 26, 2021 by Alpaca
Author TheDarkMiller Posted May 27, 2021 Author Posted May 27, 2021 I think what else was bugging me was despite agreeing to the date, she hasn't really asked me anything unless I ask first, I'm always instigating anything, especially in the dating app when you're build that interest to then swap numbers and plan a date. Wish I was looking forward to the date but it feels like a chore now. Just feel it'll be dull. If I still go it'll be because of her physical appearance which is wrong I know
Wiseman2 Posted May 27, 2021 Posted May 27, 2021 On 5/25/2021 at 5:03 PM, TheDarkMiller said: I'm just a massive texter That's the problem. Texting is not dating. Dating is dating. That means meet in person. 1
smackie9 Posted May 27, 2021 Posted May 27, 2021 If you have texting/communication expectations that are not being met, then you two are not compatible. This should be a deal breaker right out of the gate. Ditch her and keep looking.
babybrowns Posted May 27, 2021 Posted May 27, 2021 I’ve had a few recent instances of when the time span between matching and the date of the meeting was more than 7-10 days, things would fizzle out from both ends. The spark is unsustainable for days and days over words on a screen. Put it to voice as soon as possible, maybe do a call if you can’t schedule a date for the same week as matching; puts a voice and personality to the person. Even a voice message puts a nice twist and new angle on things!
Author TheDarkMiller Posted May 29, 2021 Author Posted May 29, 2021 Hi everyone! So Thursday I had to finish work late (no fault of my own) so I cancelled and had the date tonight instead. I just got back home a short while ago. She was very awkward at first, but as the conversation went on she came out of her shell and we ended up spending 4 hours together just having a few drinks and enjoying the views of the city. She actually brought up how she's not a big texter at all as she only uses it to make plans/let someone know where she is, and that she's a bit of an introvert at heart (same as me). But now I feel at a bit of a crossroads so to speak. I really enjoyed spending time with her, she's cute and made me laugh a few times, somewhat similar interests and I wouldn't mind seeing her again. But for me I need a bit more banter and teasing, as she was polite which was nice but maybe too polite for me. She's down to hang out again sometime but I got no vibe that she's attracted to me, maybe she's a slow burner as I suspect. So yeah, not sure on what to do. I'm 50/50. I don't want to plan a second date if I'm not fully feeling it, but also maybe I'm overthinking it too much? As the 1st date went better than I expected.
Author TheDarkMiller Posted May 30, 2021 Author Posted May 30, 2021 Does anyone have any advice or been in a similar position to what I'm in now? What did you do?
ClearEyes-FullHeart Posted May 30, 2021 Posted May 30, 2021 I think you should go on date two! You had a good time and some laughs, and she warmed up, I think you will know much more after a second outing.
cleverusername Posted May 30, 2021 Posted May 30, 2021 (edited) No harm on going on a second date. Try doing an activity together to see if she will come out of her shell more and show different sides of herself talking wouldnt normally show. I like mini-golf because you can get a competitive flirty thing going on Edited May 30, 2021 by cleverusername
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