How to move forward after husbands affair?

[GiuliaS]

2 months ago my husband of 10 years had a affair while visiting his friends in Miami. I began feeling something was off when I began to feel trapped, he became very clingy, and he was on this crazy let's have a baby trip. Knowing I don't want to have more children. He was wanting sex CONSTANTLY!! He and I have always had a great relationship. He was always super affectionate. But he (now looking back) was acting like he was afraid of losing something. He would always say that he would die if we ever divorced. Well. I found out about the affair because he received a call from a buddy. Drunk. Left a voicemail! Saying he needs to contact that blonde he hooked up with because she's pregnant and is trying to find him. I was honestly shocked, I was heartbroken. I never thought I would never be cheated on, but I never thought my husband would do this. He had never been the type of person that I felt had a roving eye, or had to watch around other women. We have a company together, we loved each other's company. I trusted my husband. This idiot of a friend, calls our business phone and left this message!! So while we were having our morning coffee, and listening to voicemails to follow up with clients I played the friends voicemail first. His face said it all. He was caught. He couldn't lie. He was shocked, because this woman is saying she's pregnant with his child. She has been trying to contact him. But his friends have been protecting him. She wanted my name and number. The guys again protected him. The friend that called was under pressure because this woman named Amanda refused to be called a whore! So she found Scott's wife and told everything. Scott's wife gave him the ultimatum that if he wants to remain married, he better get my husband to man the hell up and respond to this woman. That's why he made the call. My husband came clean. He met this woman at some backyard BBQ. Everyone was drinking and he met this woman. He admitted that he was instantly attracted to her. She's apparently extremely attractive and they talked, nothing happened there, but they ran into each other again. They had drinks and ended up walking around the beaches hitting bars and they ended up in her hotel. Had sex. They also had sex twice more when she said her flight was taking off that afternoon. She lives in another part of Florida. She wanted to keep in touch he. My husband said he couldn't because he's happily married. He had told her before he was married for 10yrs. So she Knew she was a married man. She is pregnant. She claims she doesn't sleep around, she wants him to handle his responsibility, she's upset because she's been called a whore and she's angry. I get that. She's a school teacher. She's not married. She was in Miami with friends for a bachelorette party. My husband is fighting tooth and nail to convince me not to leave him. He contacted her, on speaker phone. She was calm and collected. She's a straight shooter. I believe her!! I don't think she's out for money or anything else other than help supporting the child he help make. My husband and I  have a little boy. A beautiful new home, a successful business. I asked him to move out. He did. He has done everything I asked. This all just came into light. I have cut contact with him. I have not spoken to him! Unless it's regarding our child, we work apart even. Then it's strictly work related I don't linger in conversation. He is demanding a paternity test immediately. I just learned that it's possible to get one this early in a pregnancy?!. Friend and family say I need to get involved and make sure she's not lying. I need to marriage counseling. I just feel so confused. I don't know what to do next. I even thought about getting a divorce because for me cheating was a deal breaker. But now. It's my reality. We have a big life together. I don't know if it's the right thing to do. But if he's the father of her child. I don't know if I can handle it. My husband is a good man. I understand people make mistakes. Have moments of weakness and mix it with alcohol make foolish decisions. I know how over sexed my husband gets when he drinks. That's no excuse but I know he can be stupid. It because of me he grew up and controlled his drinking. I don't want to make the mistake of throwing away a good marriage. But I also know that I don't want to live with mistrust. I don't want to have another woman with my husband's baby in the mix. My husband is really taking this hard. Very hard. He's very ashamed, it's out of character for his normal behavior. He's written me a long letter of apology and explanation. Has agreed to seek help. Do whatever he can to make this right. I see the pain in his eyes. He's hurting. I don't want to punish him. Or belittle him. But I also don't want to give him false hope. I honestly don't know if I can ever go back to where we were. Or accept this new normal. I love him. I do. I know he's In love with me too. But this has really broken him. It's broken me. It's taking all the strength I can muster to keep our son happy and normal. Asking why Daddy isn't staying at home. My heart is broken. I know his heart is to for hurting me. I know he never wanted to hurt me. I need some advice. Friends and family, they're too close to the situation. Not one of them has ever felt with cheating!!! They're all married a d happy. So they're rooting for us to get back together. They don't realize how much this hurts. This is awful. I haven't eaten in two days. I just feel sick and in constant worry. Any advice on what my next move should be? I need a outsiders perspective. Please. Someone who has been through this. I don't want to regret my decision in 10yrs! I'm 37, my husband is 38. We have a 7year old boy. I need perspective. Thanks.

Edited May 25, 2021 by GiuliaS

[d0nnivain]

It depends on what you want.   If you can't get passed this, call a lawyer.  You have to sort out the business (one buys the other out), work out custody, get divorced. 

If you truly believe this was a one off thing & he'll never stray you need a Florida lawyer to deal with custody & child support from the pregnant woman.  Step one must be a paternity test.  Then you will need MC to regain trust & get back on track.  

Edited May 25, 2021 by d0nnivain

[GiuliaS]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

It depends on what you want.   If you can't get passed this, call a lawyer.  You have to sort out the business (one buys the other out), work out custody, get divorced. 

If you truly believe this was a one off thing & he'll never stray you need a Florida lawyer to deal with custody & child support from the pregnant woman.  Step one must be a paternity test.  

I agree. I'm weighing my options. This is just so new. I think I am still in shock. I can't wrap my head around this.

[d0nnivain]

Of course you are in shock.  Taking time to weigh your options is your best hope.  A rash emotional reaction won't serve you.  There are too many business / logical decisions to be made.  You need a clear head.  If you are religious, pray for wisdom.  If you aren't consider an individual therapist to help your sort out your thoughts.  

[elaine567]

The problems as I see them

1. you thought he was not the type to have a roving eye -  Wrong!.
You knew he gets oversexed with alcohol which you are kind of giving him an excuse for, but moving forward are you going to have to police his drinking. his nights out, his holidays with friends... Friends that condoned him cheating on you... and had his back.
Was this his first dalliance?
A  bit of a coincidence that the first time he steps out he gets a woman pregnant...

2. You think his behaviour after he came home was about a desperation to keep you, but I guess he was  just super hyped up after the  sex with another woman.
You may be partly right  in that he thought if you ever found out you were going to leave but if he made you pregnant, you would have to stay... hence the baby making narrative - BUT saying that, baby  making can be a huge turn on for some men so maybe he did not mean it literally. He maybe did the same with her...
.
3. this woman is pregnant, so unless he waives his rights, this child and its mother will always be in your life, can you deal with that?

4. Finances - he will be paying for this child, so there is now a child shaped hole in your joint finances going forward...

[HappilyMarried]

2 hours ago, GiuliaS said:

My husband is a good man. I understand people make mistakes. Have moments of weakness and mix it with alcohol make foolish decisions. I know how over sexed my husband gets when he drinks. That's no excuse but I know he can be stupid.

So sorry for what you are having to deal with @GiuliaSthat is not your fault or of your own making. I agree with what has been said above first thing is to determine that your husband is indeed the father. If so you will have a lot more to have to deal with and decide if you think you can handle that and stay married. If he is not you still have to deal with the infidelity through both IC for him and MC for you both.

One thing that I would have a problem with if my spouse cheated on me I could understand as you pointed out in your OP about a person making a mistake especially with alcohol involved, but you said he told you I guess that after walking around and drinking that they went to her hotel for sex. If I understand your post correctly is they went on to have sex 2 more times after the one when alcohol was involved. Plus he had to have know he had feelings after meeting and talking at the BBQ the evening before and knew when he saw her again where things would probably lead. As I said above a one time encounter with alcohol is easier to forgive but this seemed to be a bit more than that for him. Best of luck! I hate this for you and know you have a long road ahead of you none of which was caused by you.

[pepperbird2]

 I wouldn't believe a word out of her mouth right now  - after all, she slept with a married man-your husband- and wanted to keep the relationship going.  A paternity test is really important. 

However, before that, I would really consider if you even want to be with this guy if you can't trust him. Some people can rebuild that sense of trust, but others can't. If she is pregnant with his child and you stay with this guy, she will be in your lives for a long time to come. Is that something you can deal with? Will you be able to forgive him(given time)?

[d0nnivain]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

4. Finances - he will be paying for this child, so there is now a child shaped hole in your joint finances going forward...

This is critical & the part I would have the hardest time dealing with.  Because your husband cheated you now have to foot the bill for his fun, assuming the child is actually his.  I would not take this woman's word for it.  A paternity test is a must 

[Starswillshine]

Hugs!!! My heart breaks reading this. 

First, you don't have to make a forever decision right now. Just let all the emotions pass. Go through all the processes of healing yourself from this betrayal. Definitely before any decision is made (unless you know 100% there is no way to get over it period), paternity needs to be proven. If he is the father, it needs to be decided what role he will play in this child's life. And realize that if he decides not to be a part of the child's life now... that could change later. How will you feel having the reminder in your face? Will you be able to separate your feelings/hurt from the child... AKA physical representation? 

Just take your time. You don't have to make a decision.