How do you stop comparing new people to your ex?

[ZA Dater]

I think like everything you will always be inclined to compare but you also need to look at the merits of the individual person. When you think about it so much of life is based on comparison that we do not sometimes really notice it.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, LoopyLoop99 said:

i was a poor partner so they

Is this a same sex relationship?

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, LoopyLoop99 said:

suppose the relationship was 4,  6 or 9 months

 

will you always remember them? will they always remmeber you?

im 50+ ...this is what I remember of who I dated/relationship

 

1 the first girl I had interest in during high school.  My school and hers ( a neighboring district) did a field trip. We really clicked. It didn’t last due to distance. If I was a kid today with social media what would have happened.

 

2. there was a girl I believe she was interested in me but I was a senior and she was a freshman.  I didn’t pursue it

 

3.  In college I had friends introduce me to someone they knew. They said she was interest in you and I should ask her out.  When I talked to her I had trouble reading her and she said she had a boyfriend. I didn’t pursue it. I found out in getting to know her some things that could we’re dealing breaks from a relationship. There was nothing bad she did. She was a big animal lover and I’m very allergic to cats and dogs.

 

4. I had some shorter dates when  I was at college. I had one that lasted around 18 months.  With her I had a kiss I will always remember.

5.  There was a girl I knew during my college years, but not from college.  I had a part time retail job at a pharmacy.  This other store clerk was a couple years younger than me. We had obvious chemistry that everyone could see.  We were both very good workers when we were separate shifts. On Saturday and truck day we’d be on the same shift and we would dustrict the hell out of each other. I asked her constantly but she still had this loser bf she had since middle school. After I stopped working there, the store was close to where I lived so I still saw her.  This one is a BIG what If I think about.

 

6.  The other big what if happened about 3 yrs later. I was in college longer due to medical reasons.  At this time, instead of working retail, I had a few jobs at college. One was at a student tout or center where I was a manager. I met and interacted with many peop,e.  It was a good opportunity for dating.   I had met a woman who was about 5 yrs older than me who had been married and divorced ( no kids).  We also were in this do we pursue a relationship or not. We had great chemistry.  We had some dates.  I also wonder at this moment of what if with her.  What held me back was I was going to graduate and go to grad school away from where I was and likely not coming back for my career.  She had lived away from town when she was married and moved back.  One time I was helping her prep for finals at a desk at the library. She unexpectly kissed me and I was frozen.  I wonder had I done something different at this moment was things going to be different.

post college years....for me if I was put in an environment  that naturally started conversations with women I coukd get dated.  It was the initial part that was the problem. I had conversations over time before dating occured.

 

when I was at grad school.  I didn’t meet many women. I didn’t have that situation of talking with women some time before dating. At this time, internet started and meeting people online began. I met folks in chat rooms on AOL and used rooms thst were designed around local meeting.  I had dated people and slept with a few but nothing materialized when I was in grad dchool

 

when I started my career I met folks online and dated. I had two relationships.

 

the one I remember was an odd one. I don’t remember her name.  I remember she worked as a retail store manager.  The first few weeks things went well, then all of a sudden she started acting distant and weird.  I didn’t want any part of it.  The other one one was a great person, but we had some important differences. We became just friends.  We had chemistry but she was too religious for my liking and didn’t want children. We were both around 30 at this time. We had talked a bit online/IM but we faded talking .

 

7. I met my future wife via online and was with her for about 8 years till divorce. 
 

I moved near the end of my marriage to another state and 6 months after I was official divorced.  I had gotten back to online dating. At this time it was using dating sites to meet peop,e. Over the next 4 years I had many dates.  It was about 1 every 2.5 weeks in meeting a new person face to face. Some I had some sort relationships with.

 

during this time  there were 3 people I remember.  One was one we never met online. She was trying to be too perfect. I gave up.  In talking we had something.

 

one I met was a traveling nurse.  We met when she was located near me. We stayed in touch over a few year as she moved around. Thrn she stopped and stayed near where I lived. She had a bunch of friends in that area so I wasn’t the reason.  When she moved to my area we had gotten together.  It seemed to be more friends meeting than a romantic date.  Fir something to have happened she would have had to give me a sign.  She didn’t.  I am FB friends with her and keep in touch.it’s approaching 13 yrs I have known her.

 

the other person I met and we dated in and off over a year was flakey.  She reminded me to much of my sister.  I didn’t pursue things with her
 

8. I met online ago that would last 4 years. Under slightly different circumstances I woukd have proposed to get.  In the rnd she kind of went through a midlife crisis when her daughter graduating high school and off to college. She had the child at 20 yrs old so now she was like I have my freedom now and I was collateral damage.  Her family was like wtf are you doing.

 

since that LTR I haven’t had much luck in dating.  I’ve met people but nothing much.  
 

there was a person I met at a prior work place. We had something of instant chemistry. She was already in a serious relation. She acknowledges if it wasn’t for that we probably would have been in a relationship.  She’s very smart. When I changed jobs I knew she would be a perfect fit for the office and she was born/raised in this area and has family here. We are likely to be friends the rest of our lives no matter where we are. She had a baby she would not have happened had she not moved and had family support.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, LoopyLoop99 said:

 

suppose you had an ex you really loved but they left you how do you stop comparing?

It never stops....

 

there were qualities you like in your ex which is why you became a thing.  You are going to look for similar things in others you date. You also no the faults with the ex so you are looking to avoid those characteristics.

[Ami1uwant]

Also...my college time was before texting, and email.  I do wonder how different things coukd have been.

 

in college there was a group of about 15 or so people in the u dergrad program. We were all friends who socialized. It was near equal in male and female.  Had I kept in touch coukd something have developed later.  Part of this group later became friends with a few other people I knew in college. They stayed ehere I grew up and heard some innthe group paired off as relationship and got married.

 

one of the girls I knew, a few year later, I did ask her out on a date and she said yes.  Before that happened I was hospitalized with something that took a few months to recover and never went back and tried to date her.  Didn’t know enough about her to know if we could have bern something,

[mark clemson]

As indicated above, yes, they will always remember you. Be content with this and move one.

Edited May 25, 2021 by mark clemson

[mortensorchid]

Don't hang onto the past whatever you do.  We are in the now and that's all we can do.  Don't compare yourself to the past or things that did / didn't happen then.  We're past that, move forward.

[Beachead]

@LoopyLoop99

7 hours ago, LoopyLoop99 said:

suppose the relationship was 4,  6 or 9 months

 

will you always remember them? will they always remmeber you?

Hey man.

Unless you are diagnosed with some kind of illness that takes your memory away or you deal with head trauma which causes amnesia..people are going to remember their past experiences.  Past Jobs, past friends, past romantic partners and one night stands.  All of it.

So yes, your ex remembers you.

Now whether those memories actually translate to wanting you back as a partner, that is an entirely different matter.  It's possible but unlikely.  People ultimately leave relationships because something wasn't working for them.  They might know what that reason is or they might not..yet.  Whatever the case, that reason was strong enough that they decided the relationship and what you brought to the table wasn't what they were looking for.

Now you may blame yourself for that but understand this..there are people out there who were the "perfect" partner and still got left by somebody.  Why?  Because people do end relationships for reasons that outnumber and outweigh and ultimately have more to do with them than you and your affect on them.  It's not all up to you to guarantee the success of your relationship.  It's up to them too.  You could have been awarded partner of the year, and still be dumped simply because the reason they ended it had very little to do with you and your ability to be a good one.   Past baggage, past relationships, childhood can all contribute to why people behave as they do and why they might choose to end relationships.  It impacts their choices, how they view themselves. how they view their world.  What control do you have over all that? 

At the end of the day, all you can be is yourself.  You can't be anybody else and you can't go back in time and be better.  If who you were wasn't what they were looking for, then they weren't for you and honestly..were never going to be around anyway.  How long do you think you could keep up a charade of being someone you thought they wanted, who happens to be who you are not.?   You'd have to lie and construct more lies to support that lie and so on so forth.  It wouldn't last because it's fake. If you've got to pretend to be someone you're not just to keep a person around..is that honest?  Wouldn't you much rather be loved for who you are?

Also, just because you were broken up for being someone they didn't want, doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.  They might feel like "everything" to you right now, but they actually are not.  The next person you meet might just very well, find those "unattractive qualities", attractive.  Being broken up with doesn't mean you are incapable of growing either.  We can change.  Just live life, learn from our mistakes, and apply ourselves to becoming better..for us, not for anyone else.

Things happen as they are meant to.  Trust their decision as their decision has more insight about your relationship, than you know.

- Beach

 

 

Edited May 25, 2021 by Beachead

[mortensorchid]

But I think I would remember the person if I / they / we ended up having a horrific relationship of some kind no matter how short.  I do wonder sometimes about those who I have met for OLDs in the past, having a boring or unremarkable time.  There was one guy I had 6 OLDs with - we met and ate dinner together (my choice or time and place each time, guy was completely weak) - he never even asked my last name.  I had an OLD a few months ago and I don't remember his name anymore either.  Wonder if he remembers mine.  Craziness. 

[dramafreezone]

When you find someone better.

What your describing is an imprint.  When an ex has imprinted on you, something they provided was the best you've had of that.  Only thing that overrides an imprint is another imprint.

Edited May 25, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Trail Blazer]

It can take a while.  Everyone is different and how they process things.  I was hurt for a bit when my ex-girlfriend pulled away from me and we then broke up.  

I played the field to distract myself from feeling down.  I couldn't help but compare and feel a little empty when having sex with these random women I'd meet on OLD.

Truth be known, I never really got over my ex-girlfriend 100 percent before I met my current girlfriend.  However, when I met her, she was so beautiful and the chemisty was so strong that any lingering emotional pain was quickly dissipated.

I guess if I broke up with my current girlfriend, it would feel like it would be hard to top her.  The thing you need to do is accept that you're not with them because they aren't right for you. 

Stop pining over what you lost and start looking ahead at the opportunities that present.  There's always someone new and exciting to meet, especially with the pandemic getting under control.

Edited May 25, 2021 by Trail Blazer

[Lotsgoingon]

Look, I have a job where I work with groups of young people. There will be one group that is amazing. I get them, they get me. The chemistry is unmistakable and then this group finishes and I get a new group.

The new group may not have the same chemistry with me, but over time, they become special in their own way. 

Well, women or men are the same. That you can't appreciate new people is a sign that you haven't gotten over the ex. Right now, you're attached to the ex, and you're stuck in the brain loop that says, "I will never meet anyone as special." Well, you won't meet a duplicate, but you can meet someone (many someone's) who have strengths your ex doesn't have, gifts your ex doesn't have.

What often happens is that the ex sorta defines a mold for us. We think "Oh this is really great, it's better than anything else." Actually your ex has weaknesses--you're jut not focusing on those weaknesses right now. BTW: that's one good practice to let go of someone: focus on their weaknesses. Don't just allow you to think of their strengths.

Anyway, once we let the ex go, we meet new people and lo and behold, these new people bring out that there were parts of the relationship with the ex that were really unhappy. Maybe we didn't know things "could be better."

How long have you separated now? We all let go differently and at varying paces. You might just need more time. 

[elaine567]

2 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

BTW: that's one good practice to let go of someone: focus on their weaknesses. Don't just allow you to think of their strengths.

This has always been my strategy.
It stops you wallowing and allows you to move on a lot quicker.
Although some it must be said do not want to move on they want to hold on like grim death, as admitting it is really over is too much for them to handle...

[LoopyLoop99]

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

It can take a while.  Everyone is different and how they process things.  I was hurt for a bit when my ex-girlfriend pulled away from me and we then broke up.  

I played the field to distract myself from feeling down.  I couldn't help but compare and feel a little empty when having sex with these random women I'd meet on OLD.

Truth be known, I never really got over my ex-girlfriend 100 percent before I met my current girlfriend.  However, when I met her, she was so beautiful and the chemisty was so strong that any lingering emotional pain was quickly dissipated.

I guess if I broke up with my current girlfriend, it would feel like it would be hard to top her.  The thing you need to do is accept that you're not with them because they aren't right for you. 

Stop pining over what you lost and start looking ahead at the opportunities that present.  There's always someone new and exciting to meet, especially with the pandemic getting under control.

hey man this is how i feel, i'm tired of having meaningless sex and miss the connection I had with my ex and can't help but always try and compare

i guess i just need to wait till i find someone else tht i have that spark with.

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, Beachead said:

Unless you are diagnosed with some kind of illness that takes your memory away or you deal with head trauma which causes amnesia..people are going to remember their past experiences.

I was going to say the same thing.

Granted, one may stick out more so than the others.

[Lotsgoingon]

I think the process (for most people--certainly for me) goes the other way. You let go the other person, and then all kinds of people around you suddenly become attractive.

And you aren't even thinking about your ex when you eye someone else or spend time with someone else. Maybe the process goes in the other direction as well: someone lights you up ... and maybe that's the sign that you're open and ready to date. But sometimes that can just be rebound. 

[LoopyLoop99]

So long story short. I'm not an attractive guy i'm also fairly short. Now please don't feed me the bullshit that looks and height don't matter because they do. I also had bad social skills. So during my teenage years and early 20's i didn't have much experience with women.

Then in my mid twenties i met a girl off a dating app, I instantly liked her and felt as if we had a really good connection. We were not together for long but she eventually left me for someone else. I was really inexperienced and immature when I was with her so i don't blame her. i was really heart broken about it though.

That was nearly 2 and a half years ago. To this day I still think of her and miss how I felt with her.  

I've been on dating apps and met some girls after her but nothing really transpired. 

I'm not attracted to the girls i work with and most of my hobbies are just with men (e.g. gaming, weight lifting, sports).

I feel depressed and lonely sometimes. Unfortunately my short relationship has left a big hole. And often times i miss having sex, hanging out, and intimacy with women. I spend my time on dating apps swiping and messaging but it's just such a hassle and often times when I do meet the girl i quickly realise i'm not attracted to them. I don't even have high standards.

I feel depressed that i never got to experience a real , long term relationship.

I know there's more to life than women and relationships but it makes me sad sometimes and i feel as if i'll never find a girl like my ex 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, LoopyLoop99 said:

 most of my hobbies are just with men (e.g. gaming, weight lifting, sports).

Broaden your horizons. That means doing things you're not used to that involve women.

Get a side hustle. Volunteer. Join some clubs and groups. Take some classes.

Look for local events that are available. Make some friends. Even female friends who you can do stuff with.

Get some tips from women you know about grooming, clothes, conversations, etc.

You'll need to make more of an effort than just swiping on dating apps.

[LoopyLoop99]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Broaden your horizons. That means doing things you're not used to that involve women.

Get a side hustle. Volunteer. Join some clubs and groups. Take some classes.

Look for local events that are available. Make some friends. Even female friends who you can do stuff with.

Get some tips from women you know about grooming, clothes, conversations, etc.

You'll need to make more of an effort than just swiping on dating apps.

Thanks I don't really have social groups with women involved so i suppse that's an issue

[Blind-Sided]

4 hours ago, LoopyLoop99 said:

1) I'm not an attractive guy i'm also fairly short. Now please don't feed me the bullshit that looks and height don't matter because they do.

2) I also had bad social skills. So during my teenage years and early 20's i didn't have much experience with women.

3) I was really inexperienced and immature when I was with her so i don't blame her. 

4) That was nearly 2 and a half years ago. To this day I still think of her and miss how I felt with her.  I feel depressed and lonely sometimes. I feel depressed that i never got to experience a real , long term relationship.

5) I'm not attracted to the girls i work with and most of my hobbies are just with men (e.g. gaming, weight lifting, sports).

6) it makes me sad sometimes and i feel as if i'll never find a girl like my ex 

Lets do this by the numbers......

1) I get it.  From my experience... being tall is everything. BUT... that just means you need to find a short girl.

2) This is something you can work on... and YOU MUST work on this.  This is will make a big diff when looking for someone.

3) This  is a HUGE turn off.  Every one of my female friends hate their SO because they act like she should be their mother. You need to "Grow up" so to speak. 

4) You are pining over someone who you dated for a short time.   You are feeling sorry for yourself.  This will put off a "Stink" of desperation and sadness.  You need to KNOW that you WILL find someone.  That knowledge will help suppress that stink of desperation.

5) That's fine.  If you break up with someone at work, or at a place you do hobbies... then it will ruin that place for you.   BUT... I've known a bunch of cute gamer girls, and girls who like sports. 

6) This is the same as #4. 

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

..... Get some tips from women you know about grooming, clothes, conversations, etc.

You'll need to make more of an effort than just swiping on dating apps.

This is a big one.   After my exW left... a had several female friends who wanted to take me shopping, and go do things just to help me keep my head on straight. 

Put yourself out there, and don't rely on dating apps. 

[d0nnivain]

7 hours ago, LoopyLoop99 said:

I don't really have social groups with women involved so i suppse that's an issue

That is a huge issue.  Find social groups with women.  You have to do more than apps / OLD to meet people. Women do lift weights, play sports & game you know.  Seek out a co-ed team.  

If you have poor social skills, learn good ones.  Being social is a skill.  It's not just something you are born with .  Learn about networking.  Take a Dale Carnegie course if you can afford it.  Join something like ToastMasters if you don't have the spare cash for the class.   

[Ami1uwant]

9 hours ago, LoopyLoop99 said:

So long story short. I'm not an attractive guy i'm also fairly short. Now please don't feed me the bullshit that looks and height don't matter because they do. I also had bad social skills. So during my teenage years and early 20's i didn't have much experience with women.

Then in my mid twenties i met a girl off a dating app, I instantly liked her and felt as if we had a really good connection. We were not together for long but she eventually left me for someone else. I was really inexperienced and immature when I was with her so i don't blame her. i was really heart broken about it though.

That was nearly 2 and a half years ago. To this day I still think of her and miss how I felt with her.  

I've been on dating apps and met some girls after her but nothing really transpired. 

I'm not attracted to the girls i work with and most of my hobbies are just with men (e.g. gaming, weight lifting, sports).

I feel depressed and lonely sometimes. Unfortunately my short relationship has left a big hole. And often times i miss having sex, hanging out, and intimacy with women. I spend my time on dating apps swiping and messaging but it's just such a hassle and often times when I do meet the girl i quickly realise i'm not attracted to them. I don't even have high standards.

I feel depressed that i never got to experience a real , long term relationship.

I know there's more to life than women and relationships but it makes me sad sometimes and i feel as if i'll never find a girl like my ex 

 

with sports get into co-ed things like volleyball, softball, soccer.

A prior place I worked did co-ed sports teams at a local sports pkace. I was involved in the coed sports.

 

you are short...so are women. Just disclose this in dating sites. The fact is most women want someone the same height or taller than them.  Some explicitly want a man she can wear heels and not be taller than them.

 

don’t try to date your coworkers.  You can still socialize with them. They might have a sister or a friend.....

How are you measuring attraction?  For me attraction comes from meeting an interacting.  TT here are very few women that hit me purely on looks, they aren’t models.  

 

 

 

 

[Trail Blazer]

16 hours ago, LoopyLoop99 said:

hey man this is how i feel, i'm tired of having meaningless sex and miss the connection I had with my ex and can't help but always try and compare

i guess i just need to wait till i find someone else tht i have that spark with.

I don't know if you have to "wait" as such.  I mean, it's inevitable whatever you do, that you are by definition waiting as each second passes.  The thing to remember is that while you let time pass between when you broke up with your ex and whoever you eventually meet in the future, you can maximize other areas of your life you wish to fulfill.

Whilst I fully admit that while I believe I was over my ex by the time I met my current girlfriend, I still felt like the whole time (six months) between when we broke up and when I met my current girlfriend, I never really felt like I'd meet someone better.

I know that you've mentioned you're short, socially struggle and all that jazz, so I wouldn't really recommend going down the path I went down.  I was fortunate enough to have a high volume of women match with me on OLD which I think fast tracked meeting someone new with whom there was serious chemistry.

I suggest that you work on some of your issues.  @Blind-Sided gave you some excellent advice which I highly recommend you follow.  I handled the break-up with my ex in a somewhat dysfunctional manner which I wouldn't recommend others follow if they're looking to heal. 

I refused to process what happened and sought gratification via attention from OLD apps.  It worked in the sense that I avoided processing the pain as I was sleeping with a new woman within a few days of the break-up, but like I mentioned earlier, it felt empty and ultimately left me feeling unfulfilled.

All I can say was that I was lucky to meet my girlfriend when I did.  I was chasing that spark, that feeling of chemistry that I had with my ex.  I found it and I've not looked back.  However, in hindsight I realize that my unwillingness to delay gratification could have left me feeling majorly down about things and unable to process my pain if I wasn't so lucky to meet my current girlfriend.

For you, I feel you need to invest more in yourself and realize that there's really no guarantee that you'll ever find anyone "better".  However, know that if you don't let go of the past, you may not be so lucky as I and instead you could potentially be turning away someone with whom a wonderful relationship may have blossomed had you been in a more receptive headspace.

 

 

Edited May 26, 2021 by Trail Blazer

[Trail Blazer]

How can you ever forget a period of time spent being intimate with another human being you loved?

[smackie9]

Just like everyone else, you learn, you grow, and then you move on. We all make mistakes, but the best thing we can do is to let it go, and free ourselves of the guilt.