I can't move on from a short relationship that ended a few years ago.

[GoldMind]

I'm stuck in the past.

I met this person and we were together for nearly 8 months in 2018.

Now we are in 2021, mid 2021.And still I think of them and miss them. The pain of the initial heart break is gone but still i thnk of them. I occasioanlly look at their social media but i've stopped this now as I know its bad for me.

I just feel guilty. I should of treated them better. I should of been a better partner. Maybe it's the guilt holding me back.

But i'm stuck on them.

I've read the advice, meeting new people, getting hobbies, but still i think of them.

I've slept around a bit but all it did was make me miss them more.

Why can't I move on?

P.S/ I did try to contact them but they shut me down and they are with someone else. They don't care about me.

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, GoldMind said:

 I did try to contact them but they shut me down and they are with someone else. 

It not about a fun 8 mos. 3 years ago, is it?

It's about what's lacking in your life right now.

Make sure your life is happy and complete. Enjoying work, school, hobbies, interests, sports, friends, family, volunteering,etc.

Your unhappiness is what is making you live in the past.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting people.

[GoldMind]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It not about a fun 8 mos. 3 years ago, is it?

It's about what's lacking in your life right now.

Make sure your life is happy and complete. Enjoying work, school, hobbies, interests, sports, friends, family, volunteering,etc.

Your unhappiness is what is making you live in the past.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting people.

Cheers, i guess you're right

But I just can't seem to replace how i felt when i was with them. even by doing these other activities

i've tried dating others but i haven't really had that connection like i had wth them

[LoopyLoop99]

maybe if you love someone truly it never fully goes away

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, GoldMind said:

i've tried dating others but i haven't really had that connection like i had wth them

Then you continue searching till you find, and you will. Stop looking for a connection like you had with her, that's water under the bridge. Look for a connection yes, but your next connection will be different but as intense, maybe even stronger and better. 

[GoldMind]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Then you continue searching till you find, and you will. Stop looking for a connection like you had with her, that's water under the bridge. Look for a connection yes, but your next connection will be different but as intense, maybe even stronger and better. 

i just know they won't be like them, they were great, the connection, the sex, the fun. they just don;t compare.

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, GoldMind said:

i just know they won't be like them, they were great, the connection, the sex, the fun. they just don;t compare.

We become the story we tell ourselves. Stop telling yourself this is the best you can get. There are plenty of other women with whom you can connect. Couples split after years together, children and homes together, and they find a way to rise from that and love again. 

If it's possible for you go to a therapist for a couple of meetings that will help. It's possible you're never recovered from depression related to that breakup.

[Donnas]

Admit that it's over. Say it loud it helps you accept it.

And stop dwelling on it in your mind all day. When it comes up go do something around the house.

And if it's stuff you done that you need to apologize for in that relationship, apologize in a email and move on.Dont wait for no answer.And learn from it.

[d0nnivain]

You need to look at what was good about that relationship & what was bad.  Learn from the mistakes but then tell yourself you can & will find a new person who will be even more fun because you will be better, not dragging your old baggage around.  Whatever you think you could have done better before, do that in your new relationship. 

At minimum you have to accept that ship sailed with the person from 3 years ago & tell yourself they are not coming back.  It's good that you stopped looking at their social media.  You don't need that heartache. 

[Maldives]

On 5/24/2021 at 7:53 PM, GoldMind said:

I'm stuck in the past.

I met this person and we were together for nearly 8 months in 2018.

Now we are in 2021, mid 2021.And still I think of them and miss them. The pain of the initial heart break is gone but still i thnk of them. I occasioanlly look at their social media but i've stopped this now as I know its bad for me.

I just feel guilty. I should of treated them better. I should of been a better partner. Maybe it's the guilt holding me back.

But i'm stuck on them.

I've read the advice, meeting new people, getting hobbies, but still i think of them.

I've slept around a bit but all it did was make me miss them more.

Why can't I move on?

P.S/ I did try to contact them but they shut me down and they are with someone else. They don't care about me.

I can relate to this been thru this a few times taken yrs to get over em. I think your right it's tied in somehow with regret and guilt self blame. Also was the break up left you with feelings if unfinished business? I remember an ex went out wth her 6 mths and three yrs later after she dumped me I was still thinking about her much like yourself. I wrote her a Xmas card told her how I felt and somehow that tied that up. She called two days later after receiving my card and my feelings had all gone. I never returned her call for me it had felt finally finished. A few weeks later I started dating my future wife however that fell apart ten yrs later. I hope my story sheds some light for you. 

 

PS. I'm actually going thru this again with an ex that ended 5 yrs ago. I still think about her. I had counselling and my counsellor believes in my case it's compounded grief and unprocessed grief. I think it's also tied in wth regret and blame in my case. I'm still wrestling with how to move on from this one. The fact we work together still has probably doesn't help. I don't see her that often though due to Covid we work from home most days. Just know that your not alone in this department and my counsellor was not telling me hey buddy you need to get over it it was more along the lines of how to process the grief. I also feel in my case it's unfinished business one day I'll reach out and let her know my regrets just like in my last somehow that conversation helped release the past. 

I should add it's not like I pine over her or the pain you feel when U initially split it's similar and along the lines of how you feel more remembering guilt and regret 

Edited May 26, 2021 by Goodguy05

[chillii]

All this them and they stuff , jezuzz what are you trying to be sneaky or something . ls it a he or she you a he or a she , how old are you , have you had other relationships ? These things make a difference if you really want any suggestions.

Edited May 26, 2021 by chillii

[GoldMind]

We only were together for 7-8 months But i loved her so much.. she had a lot of issues and was a really poor communicator. She was also very immature and it was difficult to talk to her about the relationship due t her immaturity she also had many other issues (see my other thread) but i loved her a lot.. she ended up plying on me by sleeping around with multiple men at the end of the relationship whilst leading me on and faking afuture it was horrible

it took me al ong time to get over it as it was very traumitzing and confusing but ive been thinking of her lately and remembered how much i loved her and was thinking about sendingher expensive anonymous gifts i dont earn much (min wage) and cant afford much but i willing to send her expensive gifts and money (anonymous)

shoudl i ?

[Datergirl]

No. 

[Maldives]

Are you nuts? Why in the hell would you wanna do that for? It's obvious she didn't give two hoots about you holy crap no definatley not. Save your money for a better partner or treat yourself 

[basil67]

If you send the gift anonymously, she’ll likely thank the guy who she’s now dating. And she’ll then be furious at you for causing her embarrassment.  

True story.  I seriously tore my ex a new butt hole 

[ExpatInItaly]

Why on earth would you do this?

Leave her be. She moved on ages ago, and you need to, too. Sending her anonymous gifts and money is creepy anwyay. 

[Blind-Sided]

OK..... she had issues, she lies, she CHEATED on you... and you were only together for a few months???????????    Why in the world would you even be considering it?  She's a looser, and you weren't in love... you were infatuated with her at best.

So... NO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[d0nnivain]

Hell no!  Absolutely not.    

1.  You need all your money for you.  You don't have extra to spend on her. 

2.  She's over you & not thinking about you.  You need to give up on her. 

3.  Never reward bad behavior (cheating & poor communication)

4.  You can't buy her love.  

This is just such a terrible idea.  My heart breaks for you.  You must be so lonely to even think of something this desperate.  

Instead of wasting your energy & money on her, use your time wisely to think of how to improve your situation. How can you make more money?  If you have the money for a gift you have a few dollars to invest.  Look into the Robinhood fun or etrade, where you don't need a lot to get started, maybe $100.  

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, GoldMind said:

was thinking about sendingher expensive anonymous gifts.

Isn't that considered stalking? Even if not, it's sort of creepy. Ultimately it won't get her back.

[elaine567]

5 hours ago, GoldMind said:

but ive been thinking of her lately and remembered how much i loved her and was thinking about sendingher expensive anonymous gifts i dont earn much (min wage) and cant afford much but i willing to send her expensive gifts and money (anonymous)

shoudl i ?

Why?

[FudgeSwirl]

Firstly the fact that she cheated on you is proof that you deserve better.   It's understandable to mourn the happy times, but judging by what you said about her this relationship was not sustainable.  Secondly, you should not even think of sending her anything.  Also you may really be mourning how it felt to be that in love more so than her.  The relationship is long over, she has moved on, she wasn't true to you, and she has made it clear she does not wish to have any contact with you.  You will find someone even better somebody but if you stay hung up on her, your heart can never fully open to the right person for you.  

[GoldMind]

this still haunts me to this day

so over 2 years ago nearly 3 years ago I met this girl off a dating app.  When I first met her i had never felt this way before. I felt an instant connection. She wasn't drop dead gorgeous, she wasn't perfect but when I first met her i felt like i had known her for years, as if she were an old friend. We started dating and i fell in love very quickly... however whilst dating there some things, a lot of things that started coming up:

 

Firstly prior to me she only had 1 relationship. I don't know how long they were togeher all i know that he was a "cheater, abuser, narcissist, tried to drown her". I asked why she stayed with him and all she said was 'i don't know' yet she still strangely, wears his jacket? (even though they broke up a long time ago). She would also tell me so many things that would make me really question her e.g. she slept with rich drug dealers (Wtf?), we are at the park and she points out a guy that looks like a guy she met off tinder, she says she used to be into black guys, white guys, latino guys and now asian men (Wtf?), she would also tell me about sexual extreme things she'd done. She also told me she'd been with "like 20 or 30 guys". I have absolutely no doubt (based on all the info) the real number would be 2 or 3 or 4 times that. Her social media consisted of 80% of pictures / selfies in the mirror in her g string and her bra. She would also dress extremely provocatively and 'tarty'. (not my words my mum when she saw her and also my friends) .  She would also tell me about things her ex did for her all the time which was mean 'my ex could make me squirt' 'my ex would cook for me' 'my ex would do X and Y for me'. She was also extremely immature and incapable of having a proper adult serious conversation with. In the early stages of dating when i couldn't see her she'd post on social media about how men are jerks and idiots i'd ask if this was about me and he would just delete the posts. This one time she posted a 90% naked picture on social media and i said it mde me uncomfortable and she said its because i wasn't making her feel like she was my gf. She would also put me down and make remarks about me 'you laugh like an old man' 'you dress funny' you smell funny 'everyone thinks your quiet and insecure' (devaluing/gaslighting me) . She also admitted to sometiems forgetting to take the pill and thought i made her pregnant a few times. She seemed desperate for attention/validation and extremely insecure and unsure of herself .. she would text me 24/7 and send me pictures of herself (on snapchat) all  the time and get sad / angry if i didn't respond straight away. She also said her dad is a liar and cheater. She'd post on social media about how all men are liars and cheaters.

 

So on one hand i loved her but on the other hand it ws really hard to ignore all this and much more.... i was stuck as i had fallen in love... but the other part of me stopped putting effort in the relationship because of all the above was so hard to ignore.. so after 7-8 months she left me for another man and cheated on me. *but i blame myself *

i tried talking to her saying that i wasn't ure about her (based on the above) but she just took this really badly (she couldn't take any negative judgement) or would over react.

 

did i make the right decision? now she has another boyfreind and i jut think what if?

Edited June 14, 2021 by GoldMind

[Mrin]

I don't think you made the right decision. You made the OMG BEST DECISION OF YOUR LIFE. LOL. To be honest dude I don't see many redeeming qualities there. Why did you fall for her? The sex?

[Mrin]

Well I could explain it from a brain perspective but that would be boring.

Have you considered hypnotherapy?

[GoldMind]

42 minutes ago, Mrin said:

I don't think you made the right decision. You made the OMG BEST DECISION OF YOUR LIFE. LOL. To be honest dude I don't see many redeeming qualities there. Why did you fall for her? The sex?

many things, the connection we had, how easy and fun it was to talk and hang out with her, the fun sex, her over the top affection, she felt like my best freind, the way she'd laugh, her smile and so on

unfortunately i have this feeling that many men may have felt the same way with her.