How to stay civil while coparenting with cheating ex

[Momstrength]

Recently I left my fiance after a 6 year relationship. We have an 18 month old daughter. 

I had a whole plan to leave him peacefully and maturely. But after discovering a conversation with another woman where he sent a d*** pic and she sent a t*t pic I snapped and told him I’m done. He barely reacted. Basically just like “okay” and went on with his normal day. I took out daughter and left to my moms. The next day we had a sit down and spoke about coparenting, communication, etc. Agreed to be civil and mature for our daughter’s sake. 

The thing is I’m finding it so hard to be civil and I’m so deeply hurt at his infidelity (I consider that he cheated, even if physically he didn’t) and this has happened multiple times with different women in the last 2 years (at least that I know of)

So now I just have the urge to reply to whatever he says with snarky comments and take jabs at him. Like when he sent me a pic of our daughter I wanna say “wow glad you found room on your phone among all the d*** and t*t pics.

I know I am being petty but he has not apologized or acknowledged in the least that he hurt me. Frankly it’s pissing me off and making me want to act out of character. I thought he would be heartbroken if not suicidal when I break up with him. I even started speaking with a therapist (since my ex has depression and anxiety I wanted a specialist to guide me through breaking up with him in a way that he wouldn’t ‘freak out’ or be suicidal)

But now that the exact opposite is happening I basically feel like he doesn’t care at all. He has taken an average of 3/4 hours to respond any time I text about our daughter’s schedule.

Is it better to hold my tongue and be mature or to let my emotions out? I wouldn’t ever consider going back to him and don’t want him asking but I wouldn’t mind an apology or some indication that he knows he f**ked up.

[Hanging in]

10 minutes ago, Momstrength said:

Recently I left my fiance after a 6 year relationship. We have an 18 month old daughter. 

I had a whole plan to leave him peacefully and maturely. But after discovering a conversation with another woman where he sent a d*** pic and she sent a t*t pic I snapped and told him I’m done. He barely reacted. Basically just like “okay” and went on with his normal day. I took out daughter and left to my moms. The next day we had a sit down and spoke about coparenting, communication, etc. Agreed to be civil and mature for our daughter’s sake. 

The thing is I’m finding it so hard to be civil and I’m so deeply hurt at his infidelity (I consider that he cheated, even if physically he didn’t) and this has happened multiple times with different women in the last 2 years (at least that I know of)

So now I just have the urge to reply to whatever he says with snarky comments and take jabs at him. Like when he sent me a pic of our daughter I wanna say “wow glad you found room on your phone among all the d*** and t*t pics.

I know I am being petty but he has not apologized or acknowledged in the least that he hurt me. Frankly it’s pissing me off and making me want to act out of character. I thought he would be heartbroken if not suicidal when I break up with him. I even started speaking with a therapist (since my ex has depression and anxiety I wanted a specialist to guide me through breaking up with him in a way that he wouldn’t ‘freak out’ or be suicidal)

But now that the exact opposite is happening I basically feel like he doesn’t care at all. He has taken an average of 3/4 hours to respond any time I text about our daughter’s schedule.

Is it better to hold my tongue and be mature or to let my emotions out? I wouldn’t ever consider going back to him and don’t want him asking but I wouldn’t mind an apology or some indication that he knows he f**ked up.

My ex did the same, affair for 2 years and essentially walked away from 7 years and 3 kids together because it was easier than to try to explain himself. I spent about 2 months in shock but snapped out of it almost instantaneously when I called him in a panic about one of our kids’ had a medical event and he couldn’t be bothered. He was packing for a trip (but had offered one of our other kids a visit before leaving town, that visit was declined,) point is my ex had the time to deal with the commotion and chose not to. Since then not a single timehop or fb memory bothers me. I don’t think I’ve grieved since then. What I can say is I’m all about a drama free zone. My sanity needs that, my kids need it and mom is the only guarantee my kids have in getting it. Dad can’t help but create drama when there isn’t any and tries to rile me when he’s feeling petty. Kids notice when parents don’t say goodbye to each other or when one is feeling salty. Feed and water your future self and baby currently making sure your lives are grounded in happy if not stable moments. She can grow up knowing dad brings chaos so long as she can anchor to mom he’ll just be known as the circus side show. We don’t design the characters we want to be in the family story, our characters develop off the individual decisions we make a long the way. You can feel as petty as you want but it’s hard to break that cycle and if you have 17 more years of this life with this person, is petty what you want the default to be with you too? Even after you move out of this stage the tone is set. Just something to ponder, take care of future you. That’s my two cents, I know you’ll choose whats best for you and I wish you the best. 

 

[ShyViolet]

What good would an apology do?  Would it change anything?  You can't control other people.  You can't make him feel sorry for what he did, or make him react any particular way to the breakup.  He is a separate person and he's going to do what he's going to do.  You're setting yourself up for failure and anguish if you carry around this expectation that you'll only be satisfied if you get an apology from him.  You probably will never get it.  So stop expecting it.  You are going to have to accept things for how they are and focus on the task at hand which is simply coparenting.  How recently did this all happen exactly?  Since it was recent, of course the hurt is still fresh, and you can't expect yourself to just turn those feelings off like a light switch, it will take time.

Edited May 24, 2021 by ShyViolet

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Momstrength said:

Recently I left my fiance after a 6 year relationship. We have an 18 month old daughter. 

I had a whole plan to leave him peacefully and maturely. But after discovering a conversation with another woman where he sent a d*** pic and she sent a t*t pic I snapped and told him I’m done. He barely reacted. Basically just like “okay” and went on with his normal day. I took out daughter and left to my moms. The next day we had a sit down and spoke about coparenting, communication, etc. Agreed to be civil and mature for our daughter’s sake. 

The thing is I’m finding it so hard to be civil and I’m so deeply hurt at his infidelity (I consider that he cheated, even if physically he didn’t) and this has happened multiple times with different women in the last 2 years (at least that I know of)

So now I just have the urge to reply to whatever he says with snarky comments and take jabs at him. Like when he sent me a pic of our daughter I wanna say “wow glad you found room on your phone among all the d*** and t*t pics.

I know I am being petty but he has not apologized or acknowledged in the least that he hurt me. Frankly it’s pissing me off and making me want to act out of character. I thought he would be heartbroken if not suicidal when I break up with him. I even started speaking with a therapist (since my ex has depression and anxiety I wanted a specialist to guide me through breaking up with him in a way that he wouldn’t ‘freak out’ or be suicidal)

But now that the exact opposite is happening I basically feel like he doesn’t care at all. He has taken an average of 3/4 hours to respond any time I text about our daughter’s schedule.

Is it better to hold my tongue and be mature or to let my emotions out? I wouldn’t ever consider going back to him and don’t want him asking but I wouldn’t mind an apology or some indication that he knows he f**ked up.

It's very simple. You need to get court ordered child support on behalf of your child.

Do not communicate at all. When you do the right thing by standing up for your child and her rights, by getting appropriate child support and a structured visitation schedule at least she will be safe from getting in the crossfire .

But this isn't about co-parenting, it's about the breakup. 

Be glad you left this cheating clown 🤡

 

[Taramere]

@Hanging in's post about maintaining a drama free zone for the sake of your children is crucial advice.  No matter how tempting it might be to shoot a petty jab (and I'm sure you'll be faced with lots more temptations) the moment you make a jab or respond to one in kind, then you're either creating drama or you're allowing somebody else to suck you into drama.  However, that doesn't mean you it isn't relevant for you to raise the issue of those d*ck and t*t pictures in a non dramatic, adult manner.  That might be appropriate to raise with your lawyer, if you have concerns that the children are likely to see these conversations (eg if your ex doesn't change his phone pin often, tends to leave his phone lying around etc).

A parenting agreement would, I'm sure, help enormously.  That way you've got something in place that both of you have contributed that will serve as a reference point for child care and contact arrangements.  An agreement like that will minimise the amount of time you have to spend communicating.   If you can afford legal advice or have access to free advice, getting a family lawyer to draw one up for you will help - and make sure you do instruct somebody who actually specialises in that area. 

Agreements can cover all sorts of things.  Where the children's main residence is, what the arrangements for contact are, holiday time, what happens at Christmas (important to get sorted out as early as possible, as it can often trigger a lot of acrimony that other family members get involved in).  How both parents are notified about health, welfare and educational matters and any other issues that you can foresee leading to conflict or stressful conversations in the future if they're not sorted out now.

Regarding the explicit pictures, that is potentially something your lawyer could raise with his in the context of him needing to take care that the children aren't exposed  inappropriate adult conversations while they're having contact with him and that he takes proper measures like changing his phone pin regularly etc so that the children don't access his phone and see something upsetting.  Issues like that tend to be explosive when they're raised, but that can be minimised by a lawyer raising it in a polite but straightforward way.  Without any accompanying judgemental comments or snark.   Lawyers can be as guilty of caving in to the temptation to be snarky as anybody else at times.  No lawyer's letter should ever go out without you checking it over first, and if you do see snark in any correspondence ask them to tone it down.

Awful as it is just now, you will get through this - and you might well find yourself starting to feel better far sooner than you expected, so long as you stay in the frame of mind where you avoid the temptation to give in to snark and focus on the children's welfare and needs.  It sounds as though you're a perfectly sensible, mature person who already knows very well that sending jabby comments isn't going to accomplish anything positive.  It's absolutely understandable that under the circumstances you want to behave out of character, and it might be helpful to focus on building up a reliable support network just now of sources (friends, relatives, helplines etc) who you are confident will encourage you to stay on the right track and to stay strong in the face of any temptation to enter into drama/exchanges of swipes with your ex.

Edited May 24, 2021 by Taramere

[SumGuy]

11 hours ago, Momstrength said:

I know I am being petty but he has not apologized or acknowledged in the least that he hurt me. .....

Is it better to hold my tongue and be mature or to let my emotions out? I wouldn’t ever consider going back to him and don’t want him asking but I wouldn’t mind an apology or some indication that he knows he f**ked up.

It is petty, or worse, it is you seeking validation and vengeance at the expense of your daughter.  Not saying you are unjustified in your feelings towards him or that he didn't do you wrong.  At this point it is what is best for your daughter, just focus on that.  Snarky comments, jabs, etc. don't help that and if it ever gets in front of a judge they make you look bad.  Take the high road in communication style.

On 45 min to get back to you on text, unless it is an emergency that is not a long time.  If he delays responding in a way that disrupts plans in the moment, just set some eminently reasonable times that if you don't hear from him by you are doing x.   Make sure they are eminently reasonable and not in violation of any custody/visitation order. 

Personally my advice on wanting him to acknowledge he f*cked up is to try to let that got.   Try to let go the desire to seek validation for your feelings from him in any way; didn't work before no reason to think it will work now.  This is for your own inner peace, not saying you need to forget or even forgive, just learn to not give a f*ck if he ever acknowledges what he did, after all why should you give a f*ck about how he feels about it.

[d0nnivain]

It's better to hold your tongue around him & let your emotions out somewhere else.  I used to call an EX Richard Cranium when talking about him because it was more polite than Dickhead.  I am superstitious to some extent so I don't wish people dead but I'm fine with hoping they run out of hot water when showering, the phone always rings just as they get in the shower, that they always get stuck in traffic & that elevator doors close on them.  Thinking about EXs having all those annoyances makes me feel better.  Sure it's petty but it's not hurting anybody. 

Just be ice cold when you interact with him.  When you yell or be snarky that shows you still care.  Better to make them think they don't matter at all. 

[Donnas]

When its about the kids just focus on that. 

And not about what he did as cheater.

The kids ddnt ask for any of this.

[Momstrength]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

It's better to hold your tongue around him & let your emotions out somewhere else.  I used to call an EX Richard Cranium when talking about him because it was more polite than Dickhead.  I am superstitious to some extent so I don't wish people dead but I'm fine with hoping they run out of hot water when showering, the phone always rings just as they get in the shower, that they always get stuck in traffic & that elevator doors close on them.  Thinking about EXs having all those annoyances makes me feel better.  Sure it's petty but it's not hurting anybody. 

Just be ice cold when you interact with him.  When you yell or be snarky that shows you still care.  Better to make them think they don't matter at all. 

Hahahahaha love the Richard Cranium pun...

I resonate with this, and plan to do just that.

2 hours ago, SumGuy said:

It is petty, or worse, it is you seeking validation and vengeance at the expense of your daughter.  Not saying you are unjustified in your feelings towards him or that he didn't do you wrong.  At this point it is what is best for your daughter, just focus on that.  Snarky comments, jabs, etc. don't help that and if it ever gets in front of a judge they make you look bad.  Take the high road in communication style.

On 45 min to get back to you on text, unless it is an emergency that is not a long time.  If he delays responding in a way that disrupts plans in the moment, just set some eminently reasonable times that if you don't hear from him by you are doing x.   Make sure they are eminently reasonable and not in violation of any custody/visitation order. 

Personally my advice on wanting him to acknowledge he f*cked up is to try to let that got.   Try to let go the desire to seek validation for your feelings from him in any way; didn't work before no reason to think it will work now.  This is for your own inner peace, not saying you need to forget or even forgive, just learn to not give a f*ck if he ever acknowledges what he did, after all why should you give a f*ck about how he feels about it.

Yes yes yes... I suppose since this is just so fresh (it’s been a week) I need to let the resentment pass and be strong, I’m sure I truly wont caee very soon. Doing the best thing for ME feels very good for a change. 

8 hours ago, Taramere said:

@Hanging in's post about maintaining a drama free zone for the sake of your children is crucial advice.  No matter how tempting it might be to shoot a petty jab (and I'm sure you'll be faced with lots more temptations) the moment you make a jab or respond to one in kind, then you're either creating drama or you're allowing somebody else to suck you into drama.  However, that doesn't mean you it isn't relevant for you to raise the issue of those d*ck and t*t pictures in a non dramatic, adult manner.  That might be appropriate to raise with your lawyer, if you have concerns that the children are likely to see these conversations (eg if your ex doesn't change his phone pin often, tends to leave his phone lying around etc).

A parenting agreement would, I'm sure, help enormously.  That way you've got something in place that both of you have contributed that will serve as a reference point for child care and contact arrangements.  An agreement like that will minimise the amount of time you have to spend communicating.   If you can afford legal advice or have access to free advice, getting a family lawyer to draw one up for you will help - and make sure you do instruct somebody who actually specialises in that area. 

Agreements can cover all sorts of things.  Where the children's main residence is, what the arrangements for contact are, holiday time, what happens at Christmas (important to get sorted out as early as possible, as it can often trigger a lot of acrimony that other family members get involved in).  How both parents are notified about health, welfare and educational matters and any other issues that you can foresee leading to conflict or stressful conversations in the future if they're not sorted out now.

Regarding the explicit pictures, that is potentially something your lawyer could raise with his in the context of him needing to take care that the children aren't exposed  inappropriate adult conversations while they're having contact with him and that he takes proper measures like changing his phone pin regularly etc so that the children don't access his phone and see something upsetting.  Issues like that tend to be explosive when they're raised, but that can be minimised by a lawyer raising it in a polite but straightforward way.  Without any accompanying judgemental comments or snark.   Lawyers can be as guilty of caving in to the temptation to be snarky as anybody else at times.  No lawyer's letter should ever go out without you checking it over first, and if you do see snark in any correspondence ask them to tone it down.

Awful as it is just now, you will get through this - and you might well find yourself starting to feel better far sooner than you expected, so long as you stay in the frame of mind where you avoid the temptation to give in to snark and focus on the children's welfare and needs.  It sounds as though you're a perfectly sensible, mature person who already knows very well that sending jabby comments isn't going to accomplish anything positive.  It's absolutely understandable that under the circumstances you want to behave out of character, and it might be helpful to focus on building up a reliable support network just now of sources (friends, relatives, helplines etc) who you are confident will encourage you to stay on the right track and to stay strong in the face of any temptation to enter into drama/exchanges of swipes with your ex.

This has given me so much insight, especially about my next steps.

[d0nnivain]

You can of course still THINK the petty jabs just don't voice them.  In the long run you will be teaching your child grace & civility.  

If all else fails get a Ken doll & a hat pin & stick the doll to let out your frustration.  Make some copies of photos of him & rip them up.  There are ways to be "destructive" that are not harmful to anybody but give you an outlet.  

[Momstrength]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You can of course still THINK the petty jabs just don't voice them.  In the long run you will be teaching your child grace & civility.  

If all else fails get a Ken doll & a hat pin & stick the doll to let out your frustration.  Make some copies of photos of him & rip them up.  There are ways to be "destructive" that are not harmful to anybody but give you an outlet.  

Love it! I wrote a long journal entry and it made me feel a lot better tbh. I never want to show my daughter a bad example, so I definitely understand I need to channel my feelings in a way that I’m not expressing negativity around her.

[Hanging in]

4 hours ago, Momstrength said:

Love it! I wrote a long journal entry and it made me feel a lot better tbh. I never want to show my daughter a bad example, so I definitely understand I need to channel my feelings in a way that I’m not expressing negativity around her.

Now you’re getting it! The shock will dissipate, and he’ll undoubtedly be dumb again but you taking care of you gets stronger and somehow excitement for your personal design of your future creeps in. Forgive yourself when you do give in to anger momentarily and carry on the high road. Your next partner will enjoy hearing how you handled crisis and so will you. It matters, just...later. Good luck with this oh so stupid chapter of an otherwise really worthy and I’m sure beautiful story ❤️

[Indigo Night]

On 5/23/2021 at 7:15 PM, Momstrength said:

Recently I left my fiance after a 6 year relationship. We have an 18 month old daughter. 

I had a whole plan to leave him peacefully and maturely. But after discovering a conversation with another woman where he sent a d*** pic and she sent a t*t pic I snapped and told him I’m done. He barely reacted. Basically just like “okay” and went on with his normal day. I took out daughter and left to my moms. The next day we had a sit down and spoke about coparenting, communication, etc. Agreed to be civil and mature for our daughter’s sake. 

The thing is I’m finding it so hard to be civil and I’m so deeply hurt at his infidelity (I consider that he cheated, even if physically he didn’t) and this has happened multiple times with different women in the last 2 years (at least that I know of)

So now I just have the urge to reply to whatever he says with snarky comments and take jabs at him. Like when he sent me a pic of our daughter I wanna say “wow glad you found room on your phone among all the d*** and t*t pics.

I know I am being petty but he has not apologized or acknowledged in the least that he hurt me. Frankly it’s pissing me off and making me want to act out of character. I thought he would be heartbroken if not suicidal when I break up with him. I even started speaking with a therapist (since my ex has depression and anxiety I wanted a specialist to guide me through breaking up with him in a way that he wouldn’t ‘freak out’ or be suicidal)

But now that the exact opposite is happening I basically feel like he doesn’t care at all. He has taken an average of 3/4 hours to respond any time I text about our daughter’s schedule.

Is it better to hold my tongue and be mature or to let my emotions out? I wouldn’t ever consider going back to him and don’t want him asking but I wouldn’t mind an apology or some indication that he knows he f**ked up.

Your concern should be solely focused on your child, and not your hurt feelings, and anger. If you can't be civil, consider having a family member or friend drop off and pick up your child for visits. Never express how you feel about him negatively around your child. No bad mouthing him. No snide remarks when your child is present. The child should not be a pawn, in ANY way, in co-parenting relationships. EVER!!!

What he did was tacky. It's not worth letting it torment you. You are either going to have to find a way to let it go, and move on with your life. Or, continue to stay mad over his stupid decision. It's only hurting you, and he isn't worth the emotion your wasting on being mad. You're even upset that he wasn't devestated by being kicked out. Why? He was obviously not fully invested in the relationship of he was sharing nudes online!

Stay in therapy, it usually really helps. You have a lot of emotions to work through, and it sounds like you could benefit from some professional guidance. 

Don't flip out on the ex, because he could potentially use it against you in a custody case. Be civil, and if you can't do that, ask someone to go with you that will keep you in check, and so that you won't have to deal with him by yourself. 

Stop expecting him to apologize. You're hurting, he's not. He sees no reason to apologize. It's your issue, not his, as far as he's concerned. Don't continue giving him that much emotional control over you! He's not worth the emotions you're wasting by being angry and hurt.

Find ways to let out your frustrations in a more positive way. Go to the gym. Take self defense classes. Try primal scream therapy. Whatever helps get rid of the hate and hurt that is keeping you from being happy. 

He's gone, and you have a beautiful child. Your child deserves a loving happy mother, do whatever it takes to be one for her.

 

 

 

 

 

[pepperbird2]

On 5/24/2021 at 10:44 AM, SumGuy said:

This is for your own inner peace, not saying you need to forget or even forgive, just learn to not give a f*ck if he ever acknowledges what he did, after all why should you give a f*ck about how he feels about it.

I've heard that referred to as being "in the state of meh"