Sun Seeker Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 There is something very wrong in this world if you are attracted to him from everything you have said about him. He is literally the definition of the type of guy NOT to date. Don't be so desperate that you are willing to lower your standards so much, plenty of other guys out there who don't have so many excuses and issues like this guy.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 Just now, lala156 said: He’s really kind and caring and sweet. What are you basing this on? Text messages? 1
Author lala156 Posted May 24, 2021 Author Posted May 24, 2021 3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: And yet he makes you wait 3 to 4 months to even speak for the first time - did he not think that would mess things up or disappoint you? His reasoning doesn't line up with his behaviour. Tread cautiously. I think you're getting the wool pulled over your eyes here. Yeah I can see what you’re saying, it is a bit strange but when you talk on text, you can think about your responses whereas in person/ on the phone, it’s more spontaneous, so easier to mess your words up
Author lala156 Posted May 24, 2021 Author Posted May 24, 2021 1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said: What are you basing this on? Text messages? Yeah but also what I see online. He’s very loved by friends and family
Author lala156 Posted May 24, 2021 Author Posted May 24, 2021 3 minutes ago, Punterxx said: There is something very wrong in this world if you are attracted to him from everything you have said about him. He is literally the definition of the type of guy NOT to date. Don't be so desperate that you are willing to lower your standards so much, plenty of other guys out there who don't have so many excuses and issues like this guy. Well I always attract awful ones, never had the experience of speaking to a guy who isn’t a player or whatever
ExpatInItaly Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 (edited) 5 minutes ago, lala156 said: Yeah but also what I see online. He’s very loved by friends and family Lala, an important point here: what you see online is what people want the world to see. He might be an incredibly socially awkward, sweet guy, sure. Or? He might be a d**k in real life. That isn't the sort of thing you would see on someone's social media, generally. You have to keep in mind that you don't know this man in any true sense. You have never met and cannot presume to know really anything about his character. Writing sweet messages and posting pleasant and happy photos isn't sufficient to make any educated guesses about what he is really like. Just please use caution. There are some red flags here, and you would be wise to listen to your common sense rather than let loneliness drive your boat. Edited May 24, 2021 by ExpatInItaly
Gaeta Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 7 minutes ago, lala156 said: He’s really kind and caring and sweet. How is he being sweet and caring?
d0nnivain Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 It's your life & if you think he's worth the effort fine. My husband & father were both socially shy. They would never start a conversation but loved that my mom & I were world class extroverts who could always start a conversation with anybody out of thin air. With us as ice breakers, they would talk to people we introduced them too but they never spoke up 1st. This business about him being scared to mess things up screams unattractive hot mess to me but I prefer extroverted overly confident men who prefer to be the the center of attention: salesmen, lawyers, actors, politicians etc. Your guy sounds like he will run & hide if you say boo to him. Your perceptions of him based only on text & what you see on line are FALSE. You don't actually know him. Like you pointed out you can take your time with each word, go back & revised & make sure it's all word perfect before you hit send. Actual conversation doesn't work like that. If he can't string two sentences together, what are you going to do on this call sit in silence? It sounds like pulling teeth.
Author lala156 Posted May 24, 2021 Author Posted May 24, 2021 Just now, Gaeta said: How is he being sweet and caring? He asks me how my day was and just looks out for me, he doesn’t just flirt with me or mess me around in every message. There’s more depth to the conversations
d0nnivain Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 Asking about your day is basic politeness. It's not sweet or caring. It's barely the minimum.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 1 minute ago, d0nnivain said: Asking about your day is basic politeness. It's not sweet or caring. It's barely the minimum. I was about to say the same thing. I get that it's nice to feel cared for, OP, but words are meaningless if they're not backed up with actions. 1
Author lala156 Posted May 24, 2021 Author Posted May 24, 2021 4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I was about to say the same thing. I get that it's nice to feel cared for, OP, but words are meaningless if they're not backed up with actions. So deleting tinder and forgetting it existed when talking to me isn’t a positive action? And adding me on other social media isn’t an action? And actively getting to know me isn’t an action? He’s agreed to speak to me now and I think he’s always wanted to hence why he asked a few times, he’s just been busy with work and obviously we have a virus that means it’s harder to meet up. He can obviously do things, he’s just trying to take his time because at the end of the day, he wouldn’t want to rush into the wrong relationship would he? I’ll see what he’s like on the phone.
Author lala156 Posted May 24, 2021 Author Posted May 24, 2021 10 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Asking about your day is basic politeness. It's not sweet or caring. It's barely the minimum. It’s not just that, he asks me questions and remembers things about me, likes my photos etc. He’s not keeping anything a secret, and I know he’s trying at least.
d0nnivain Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 (edited) You have no idea whether he's keeping secrets. You have never met him. He may be trying but not hard enough. If he were trying he would have found the courage to speak to over the phone in February & actually met you in March. He's coasting along being a scared rabbit. You are enabling this dysfunctional behavior & romanticizing it. Edited May 24, 2021 by d0nnivain 1
Gaeta Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 15 minutes ago, lala156 said: It’s not just that, he asks me questions and remembers things about me, likes my photos etc. A man hiding behind a screen that ask you questions and likes your photos is not a kind and sweet man. Kind & sweet is measured with actions toward you, and people around him. A man that drives his grand mother to the grocery store every weekend is kind and sweet. Pushing through his fear to meet you is kind and sweet. 1
Author lala156 Posted May 24, 2021 Author Posted May 24, 2021 6 minutes ago, Gaeta said: A man hiding behind a screen that ask you questions and likes your photos is not a kind and sweet man. Kind & sweet is measured with actions toward you, and people around him. A man that drives his grand mother to the grocery store every weekend is kind and sweet. Pushing through his fear to meet you is kind and sweet. He’s been covering for his brother at work because his brother is having surgery. Seems kind and sweet to me. He made a project for his friends and family in lockdown. He told me he’s always here to listen to me if I need to vent. He bought his mum flowers for no reason. He said when we meet up he’d get me my favourite chocolates. He helped his friend through losing a loved one. He’s known for being kind by people who love him. He helps people in his job. He’s supportive and encouraging of the things I do (enthusiasm in messages). Like yes I don’t know him in real life but these things are shown to me on social media. I just need to wait really and if I waste my time, I waste my time. That’s better than regret I think.
Gaeta Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 9 minutes ago, lala156 said: I just need to wait really and if I waste my time, I waste my time. That’s better than regret I think. Why did you ask us what to do if you're not open to anything we say?
Author lala156 Posted May 24, 2021 Author Posted May 24, 2021 Just now, Gaeta said: Why did you ask us what to do if you're not open to anything we say? I am, but I think you’re being a bit pessimistic. I was asking how I could encourage this guy to meet up. I think it’s easy for you guys to think/ say he’s a bad person but I know more about the context of that than you do. I just wanted to know how to deal with it rather than just dump him and not give it a chance
Author lala156 Posted May 24, 2021 Author Posted May 24, 2021 16 minutes ago, lala156 said: He’s been covering for his brother at work because his brother is having surgery. Seems kind and sweet to me. He made a project for his friends and family in lockdown. He told me he’s always here to listen to me if I need to vent. He bought his mum flowers for no reason. He said when we meet up he’d get me my favourite chocolates. He helped his friend through losing a loved one. He’s known for being kind by people who love him. He helps people in his job. He’s supportive and encouraging of the things I do (enthusiasm in messages). Like yes I don’t know him in real life but these things are shown to me on social media. I just need to wait really and if I waste my time, I waste my time. That’s better than regret I think. Also he’s sent pictures/ videos to make the conversation more interesting and personal. He is putting in effort while he can, but I don’t know maybe I should rethink the whole situation. I know he’s not a bad person but maybe he’s just not quite right.
Gaeta Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 4 minutes ago, lala156 said: I am, but I think you’re being a bit pessimistic. I was asking how I could encourage this guy to meet up. I think it’s easy for you guys to think/ say he’s a bad person but I know more about the context of that than you do. I just wanted to know how to deal with it rather than just dump him and not give it a chance No it's nothing like that. It's just that we have a lot of life and dating experience and we've been in your situation before so we know better. 1
Author lala156 Posted May 24, 2021 Author Posted May 24, 2021 3 minutes ago, Gaeta said: No it's nothing like that. It's just that we have a lot of life and dating experience and we've been in your situation before so we know better. Not necessarily, you may have been in similar situations but you can’t tell what this particular situation is like. I know you’re just trying to help in case it is a bad situation but I’ve already said that I like this guy and I think he’s right for me. I want to meet him because then I know who he truly is (obviously that would be after a few dates not just one meet up) and I wanted some advice on how to encourage that, and I know he’ll get used to it because with social anxiety you do have to get used to people. He told me he gets used to people after a while. And I have social anxiety so I know what it’s like. But I hope you get where I’m coming from, I want to see what happens with him and I deserve to. If not then at least I actually tried.
cleverusername Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 Be honest with him Lala. Don't sugar coat it. Tell him you like him and want to meet, and that you understand he's nervous, you're anxious too, but you're going to overcome it together by meeting. Otherwise you will just become pen-pals. Life isn't going to wait up for him to make the move. You need to push him forward, but ultimately he has to pay some sort of price for his inaction otherwise you are just rewarding his behavior. 3 1
Gaeta Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 (edited) Let us know how the phone call goes tomorrow. Edited May 24, 2021 by Gaeta 1
Author lala156 Posted May 24, 2021 Author Posted May 24, 2021 4 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Let us know how the phone call goes tomorrow. Will do 1
d0nnivain Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 1 hour ago, lala156 said: I was asking how I could encourage this guy to meet up. See how the phone call goes. But there have to be places he does go & he's comfortable. Get him to talk about them. Before you end the phone call nail him down with a commitment to meet you at one of those places in a week or two. You be super confident & upbeat. Hopefully he will feed off your positive energy. 2
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