lala156 Posted May 23, 2021 Posted May 23, 2021 Ok so seriously I don’t know what to do, please someone give me some advice haha... basically I’ve been talking to a guy since February from a dating app (tinder), he’s got good intentions and everything, and is real (and trust me I know that for many reasons), he’s just extremely socially anxious and won’t meet up with me because of it. (I’ve never met him yet) He asked me for a date months ago but it never happened and he keeps bringing up meeting up or even FaceTiming but he just shuts it off again like ‘we’ll figure it out when the time comes’ or something?! He’s bad at flirting but he does attempt it sometimes. I’m just getting frustrated because I really want to meet him and see what he’s truly like and move things forward but he won’t. He told me his social anxiety makes him fear the worst case scenarios and yeah he’s just nervous and he said he doesn’t want to be a disappointment in person. I don’t know what to do because it’s like shall I just move on then or be patient with him? Will I ever meet him? Oh and also he deleted tinder recently so it’s like he’s focussed on me but is scared... so what do I do?? I don’t want to be pressuring either..
Wiseman2 Posted May 23, 2021 Posted May 23, 2021 12 minutes ago, lala156 said: I’ve been talking to a guy since February from a dating app and won’t meet up with me Is he married/in a relationship?
Author lala156 Posted May 23, 2021 Author Posted May 23, 2021 8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Is he married/in a relationship? Nope, single and never had a girlfriend
Yosemite Posted May 23, 2021 Posted May 23, 2021 How old is he and how old are you? Do you live in the same city?
Author lala156 Posted May 23, 2021 Author Posted May 23, 2021 7 minutes ago, Yosemite said: How old is he and how old are you? Do you live in the same city? We’re both 22, and no we live an hours drive apart. He said we could meet somewhere in the middle though if we did meet.
Yosemite Posted May 23, 2021 Posted May 23, 2021 I think that you'll find out that overly anxious, shy guys like this are a waste of time. If he can get himself together, which is a big if, and meet up with you and date you, you'll find that if you get in a committed relationship with him, he'll be jealous and resentful of your previous dating experience especially if you're not a virgin. If you are a virgin and want to take it slow with this guy, you'll probably have to ask him out several times to get a first date and you'll have to make all the moves after that too. Only you can decide if it's worth it to you to do that. If it is, just keep asking him out...or maybe just surprise him and show up somewhere where you know he's going to be. Not his house obviously, but somewhere where you won't look like a stalker for being there too lol. 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 8 hours ago, lala156 said: We’re both 22, and no we live an hours drive apart. Ok, don't bother with distance. Also for general information, have you read the book: "He's Just Not That Into You"?
ExpatInItaly Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 This guy is wasting your time. He's either already got a girlfriend, not exactly who he says he is, or is way too socially anxious to date. I would consider this one a dead-end and keep moving. It's been too long with no action at all. 2
Author lala156 Posted May 24, 2021 Author Posted May 24, 2021 3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Ok, don't bother with distance. Also for general information, have you read the book: "He's Just Not That Into You"? I’ve seen a film with that name and yes he is definitely into me, he’s just shy like the post says
Author lala156 Posted May 24, 2021 Author Posted May 24, 2021 2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: This guy is wasting your time. He's either already got a girlfriend, not exactly who he says he is, or is way too socially anxious to date. I would consider this one a dead-end and keep moving. It's been too long with no action at all. It’s definitely the last one, he’s just too anxious! Should I not just put my foot down and make him meet me or I’ll leave?
ZA Dater Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 I can relate to the guy. I suggest putting your foot down a bit and insist on meeting or you will cut communication for a week. Chances are he needs that wake up call and you will get a better response from him and more decisive action from him. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 18 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Have you never even spoken to him on the phone? And what about this?
Author lala156 Posted May 24, 2021 Author Posted May 24, 2021 24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Have you never even spoken to him on the phone? Not yet, he’s brought it up but it hasn’t happened yet
ExpatInItaly Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 6 minutes ago, lala156 said: Not yet, he’s brought it up but it hasn’t happened yet I'm sorry, lala, but I would be wary of this person. Will not meet you and will not speak live to you on the phone. Something isn't right and I personally would not be so quick to accept that he's just shy. You say you know he's real - how do you know? And do you know he does not have a girlfriend already? A lot of red flags here.
Author lala156 Posted May 24, 2021 Author Posted May 24, 2021 Just now, ExpatInItaly said: I'm sorry, lala, but I would be wary of this person. Will not meet you and will not speak live to you on the phone. Something isn't right and I personally would not be so quick to accept that he's just shy. You say you know he's real - how do you know? And do you know he does not have a girlfriend already? A lot of red flags here. I know someone that knows him! I dated someone he went to school with so he is real. He’s explained to me that he’s shy and he does seem very shy, I’ve seen videos of him and obviously have him added on all social media’s. He’s 100% legit, the problem is that he’s nervous and shy. Well if he has a girlfriend he kept that a secret because there’s no one there, he’s never even had one...
Gaeta Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 12 hours ago, lala156 said: He told me his social anxiety makes him fear the worst case scenarios So that's the man you've picked for yourself, a man that fears his own shadow? . Now it's fear of meeting you, then it will be fear to meet your family and you'll go through this all over again, then it will be fear of sex, fear to commit. You think a man like that would stand up for you? He'd be the type to hide under a table while you confront the risky situation. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 39 minutes ago, lala156 said: He’s 100% legit, the problem is that he’s nervous and shy. Well if he has a girlfriend he kept that a secret because there’s no one there, he’s never even had one... He's showing you very clearly that he's way to shy to date, or he's not as interested as he led you to believe. If it's this hard to even speak to him on the phone just one time, actually dating and having a relatonship with him are going to be virtually impossible. You are wasting your time with this guy. Sorry, girl.
elaine567 Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 He needs to sort himself out with therapy, before he is ready to date anyone. Don't get involved, it won't end well. 1
Author lala156 Posted May 24, 2021 Author Posted May 24, 2021 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: He's showing you very clearly that he's way to shy to date, or he's not as interested as he led you to believe. If it's this hard to even speak to him on the phone just one time, actually dating and having a relatonship with him are going to be virtually impossible. You are wasting your time with this guy. Sorry, girl. Update: he’s going to speak to me on the phone tomorrow (I asked) so I’ll see what he’s like on the phone, this is just a small step I know but I want to be patient and just see what happens if I take little steps. I don’t want to throw a good thing away, yes I might waste my time but I’d rather that then regret losing a good person you know? Thank you for the advice though, really appreciate it
d0nnivain Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 If you are happy with the baby step of finally being able to talk to you on the phone since February, I guess that is good for you. A man that afraid of life should not be on Tinder. If his "social anxiety" is that severe that it's taken 3+ months to work up to a phone call, he needs to be under the care of a psychiatrist getting real help for his phobia. If he is not actively working to change his situation, he's a waste of time. He will not make a good long term partner. He won't even be able to attend his wedding where he & his bride will be the center of attention. Since you know people he went to HS with I don't buy it. He was able to attend school so he's not as non-functional as he claims & you accept. Does he have a job? How did he manage an interview. That is way more stressful than a date. Unless it's always been work from home, he can go outside. So if he can do that he should have been able to meet up with you long before now. There is no justification for the delay. The entertainment movie, He's Just Not That Into You only shares a title with the book. While the book inspired the movie, none of the lessons, insights or explanations are present in the movie. For your own sake, read the book. It will help you understand why this guy is jerking you around.
Author lala156 Posted May 24, 2021 Author Posted May 24, 2021 2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: If you are happy with the baby step of finally being able to talk to you on the phone since February, I guess that is good for you. A man that afraid of life should not be on Tinder. If his "social anxiety" is that severe that it's taken 3+ months to work up to a phone call, he needs to be under the care of a psychiatrist getting real help for his phobia. If he is not actively working to change his situation, he's a waste of time. He will not make a good long term partner. He won't even be able to attend his wedding where he & his bride will be the center of attention. Since you know people he went to HS with I don't buy it. He was able to attend school so he's not as non-functional as he claims & you accept. Does he have a job? How did he manage an interview. That is way more stressful than a date. Unless it's always been work from home, he can go outside. So if he can do that he should have been able to meet up with you long before now. There is no justification for the delay. The entertainment movie, He's Just Not That Into You only shares a title with the book. While the book inspired the movie, none of the lessons, insights or explanations are present in the movie. For your own sake, read the book. It will help you understand why this guy is jerking you around. He goes running to help his confidence, he said he doesn’t want to mess things up with me or be a disappointment. I don’t think he’s messing me around at all! His job is work from home and freelance so it makes sense. He went to uni but he told me it was a nightmare for him to make friends because of social anxiety, but once he gets used to it, he’s fine. So surely if I wait, he’ll get used to me? You never know, he could be different once he’s more comfortable with me. Trust me I wouldn’t bother if I was suspicious. I mean yeah it’s taken ages but at the end of the day he’s been taking positive action. I’ll read the book, it seems interesting but I know he’s interested and I want to give him a chance. If nothing changes I’ll have to let him go.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: If his "social anxiety" is that severe that it's taken 3+ months to work up to a phone call, he needs to be under the care of a psychiatrist getting real help for his phobia. Agreed. This is not someone who is either ready or wants to date you, OP. Given that you don't know him personally and it's been pulling teeth to even get him to speak to you live, I have to wonder what attracts you to this. Is he really good-looking? Are you perhaps feeling lonely these days? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 (edited) 3 minutes ago, lala156 said: he said he doesn’t want to mess things up with me or be a disappointment And yet he makes you wait 3 to 4 months to even speak for the first time - did he not think that would mess things up or disappoint you? His reasoning doesn't line up with his behaviour. Tread cautiously. I think you're getting the wool pulled over your eyes here. Edited May 24, 2021 by ExpatInItaly
Author lala156 Posted May 24, 2021 Author Posted May 24, 2021 2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Agreed. This is not someone who is either ready or wants to date you, OP. Given that you don't know him personally and it's been pulling teeth to even get him to speak to you live, I have to wonder what attracts you to this. Is he really good-looking? Are you perhaps feeling lonely these days? He’s really kind and caring and sweet. I prefer introverted guys because I’m introverted myself and he’s just got a great personality, yes he’s good looking, not my usual type but I don’t know I just really like him. Maybe I am lonely haha, I’m inexperienced too, I’ve only kissed people and that’s it. I’ve never found anyone I’m comfortable around, and I feel comfortable with him and I can be more myself. I don’t just want to throw it away because of a few things that can change, I may regret it
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