AthaGreat Posted May 23, 2021 Posted May 23, 2021 Hi there, first timer here. *Fidgets nervously* Sooooo, my boyfriend is a really outgoing, social type of guy. He likes parties and having people over. I am absolutely not like that, my friends almost never come over to my house and I love it that way. It is not that I am antisocial, I just feel a need to spend time by myself. I don't do well in large crowds it makes me VERY nervous/anxious but I do well with small groups and one on one. The other night he was going to a friends party and told me I couldn't go because the area was unsafe and that he had to pick up a lot of girls (at his friends request) and transport them so he didn't want me to act jealous or feel some type of way. I was ok with that because I don't really like crowds and I trust him. Later in the night he texted me that a large a amount of people were going to be coming home with him(essentially bringing the party home, as requested by his friend because covid curfew hours had started and the party couldn't be outside anymore). I told him no, but I knew I couldn't stop it. I was mad but also my social anxiety started to kick in. I started to feel like a trapped animal being descended upon and I was shaking (I never had an episode this bad before). I knew these people all smoked and drank and I do not and have never. They are all loud people which I disdain. I knew I wouldn't have any person to talk to (I only knew about 4 of the 20sumn people there) and that girls that liked him would be there but I sat in the room to greet them regardless. The first persons to enter were the girls and their mouth literally dropped because they didn't expect to see a girl there( His friends bring girls over to smoke and drink and I don't live there so they haven't seen me before- I spend a few nights there a week). I felt so uncomfy I went outside and spoke to him and almost argued with one of his friends and had b****es looking at me mad weird. I just got upset and stayed in the bedroom upstairs the whole time (which is a little embarrassing to me). I felt trapped and hurt that I couldn't go partly because his friends wanted him to transport females but yet he had no problems inconveniencing me for the sake of the party. Now I am thinking we are not compatible at all and I don't want to marry into his lifestyle and friends. I am really thinking it is over. Any advice is appreciated.
d0nnivain Posted May 23, 2021 Posted May 23, 2021 You are absolutely correct that this over. You two are incompatible. Even if you don't like parties, drinking & smoking, why on earth would you be with a guy who point blank excluded you from the party itself & left you home alone in his house? Why didn't you go home at that point? There is no way I'd sit in some guy's house waiting for him while he was at a party that I was not invited to. Break up with this guy. 6 1
SumGuy Posted May 23, 2021 Posted May 23, 2021 3 hours ago, d0nnivain said: You are absolutely correct that this over. You two are incompatible. Even if you don't like parties, drinking & smoking, why on earth would you be with a guy who point blank excluded you from the party itself & left you home alone in his house? Why didn't you go home at that point? There is no way I'd sit in some guy's house waiting for him while he was at a party that I was not invited to. Break up with this guy. This. He is a d**che bag, not sure why you trust him as there are many red flags here. He is taking advantage of your introverted nature and has no respect for you as you. 5
ShyViolet Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 I'm a little confused... if you don't live there, why didn't you just go home? And yes I think he's being very inconsiderate and showing how little he cares about you. 1
Caauug Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 11 hours ago, AthaGreat said: Now I am thinking we are not compatible at all and I don't want to marry into his lifestyle and friends. This is good..... Better than saying you want to change him after the marriage. 1 1
Highndry Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 You can do way better than this guy. You sound like a quality gal. Do yourself a huge favor and upgrade. 1
Author AthaGreat Posted May 24, 2021 Author Posted May 24, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, ShyViolet said: I'm a little confused... if you don't live there, why didn't you just go home? And yes I think he's being very inconsiderate and showing how little he cares about you. Because it was curfew hours (due to covid) in my country and I don't drive so no one would risk coming to get me (because police would detain them) and I couldn't call a cab because of the curfew Edited May 24, 2021 by AthaGreat Left out detail
Wiseman2 Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 Ok. It seems like there's a lot of incompatibilities and for that reason you already have one foot out the door. That's ok. This party thing may be the final nail in the coffin that inspires you to just cut your losses and get out with both feet. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 14 hours ago, AthaGreat said: The other night he was going to a friends party and told me I couldn't go because the area was unsafe and that he had to pick up a lot of girls This makes no sense, OP. You couldn't go because he had to pick up a bunch of other girls? Wow. I would be appalled at the disrespect. He didn't want you there, let's just be straight about that. I would have shown him the door right then. Since you didn't, the episode afterwards demonstrates that you two are completely incompatible. He wants to party and carry on and whoop it up, and you clearly are not into that. The bigger issue is that he just doesn't care how you feel. His priorities are elsewhere. I would end this. It's quite obvious that you two aren't a match and don't value the relationship the same way anymore. 4 1
Miss Spider Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 (edited) Yeah guys are incompatible. I’ve dated a couple outgoing guys who loved doing social stuff back when I really didn’t, and it was hard. This is going to be especially the case if you have some thing like social anxiety. Also, I think your boyfriend is a little bit careless of your feelings and probably up to no good. First of all, initially telling you that you cannot go because you would get nervous and jealous and then just bringing it all home. Regardless, you’re incompatible Edited May 24, 2021 by Cookiesandough
smackie9 Posted May 24, 2021 Posted May 24, 2021 (edited) It's all about perspective: He felt trapped too, having to restrict things in his life to convenience you and your anxiety, so it's goes both ways. So now you are at a crossroads...you need to go your own way, and so does he. Let his is a lesson learned. Make sure the person you want to date is compatible enough that you are comfortable all the time. Edited May 24, 2021 by smackie9 2
Author AthaGreat Posted June 17, 2021 Author Posted June 17, 2021 Update!!! Went to his house 3 hours ago caught him in bed with another girl. He told her he had been single since December 2020. So yeah, we are now over. Thanks for all the advice. 1
Wiseman2 Posted June 17, 2021 Posted June 17, 2021 5 hours ago, AthaGreat said: Went to his house 3 hours ago caught him in bed with another girl. Yikes. What a snake . Good you dumped him. 1
Fletch Lives Posted June 17, 2021 Posted June 17, 2021 2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: What a snake . I've been called worse! 1
notbroken Posted June 17, 2021 Posted June 17, 2021 The big problem here is that you are an introvert and he is an extrovert. That is not likely to change. Incompatability plus the disrespect from that event would be enough to end it for me personally. I don't buy the 'transporting girls' part by the way. He wanted to appear potentially available - which would have been a lot more difficult with you in the car. 1
smackie9 Posted June 17, 2021 Posted June 17, 2021 (edited) 9 hours ago, AthaGreat said: Update!!! Went to his house 3 hours ago caught him in bed with another girl. He told her he had been single since December 2020. So yeah, we are now over. Thanks for all the advice. omg I am so sorry Well that explained his attitude towards you about the party. He was hoping that would be enough for you to breakup with him. Coward that he is. Edited June 17, 2021 by smackie9 1
stillafool Posted June 17, 2021 Posted June 17, 2021 I would have had him drop me off at home before he picked up the girls rather than stay and wait for him; but glad it's over. He obviously didn't care what you or the girls thought when he brought them home and you were there. He just wanted what he wanted which was sex with one of them. 2
spiderowl Posted June 18, 2021 Posted June 18, 2021 Yes, I agree, it's ridiculous that he said you couldn't go because he had to transport females and then he brings them and the party home to you! The guy is talking rubbish. He should not have brought anyone home without your express permission. For a start off, we have the Covid risk. Parties are super-spreaders for Covid. But, secondly, you didn't want him to so he is going against your wishes. You are an introvert and he is a party guy. What makes you think you are compatible with him? Not only is his personality totally different to yours but he lies and crosses your boundaries too. Best to finish this before you get unhappier or he goes off with one of the party females he likes to spend his time with. Compatibility is crucial in a relationship. It is not an afterthought. 1 1
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