Terri D Posted May 22, 2021 Posted May 22, 2021 My boyfriend of a year has plans to nit just leave me but pretty much abandon me in 5 years. I overheard a conversation he had stating if it weren't for the kids he'd be single. That he's between a rock and a hard place. That it's not me, it's him. That I treat him like gold. Here's the full dilemma he got full custody of his kids. We ended up moving in together prematurely because of them. They were severely abused by their mom. I know I need to leave but everytime I get ready to he melts me with his look and touch. We have an amazing sex life and he treats me rather well. Up until this point I believed ge loved me. Now I'm pissed. I gave up alot so he could continue to work out of town. I have his kids all week and they haven't been easy but I love them. And they love me back. The kids were abandoned by their mom and I just can't do that but at the same time, I'm not gonna ve used for the next 5 years then get left in the dust. And I might add, I am done with relationships. I see 3 options. And please keep in mind I am not vindictive. 1. Stay around for a few years get what I can out of him. And this would put the kids over 18. 2. Stay for about 4 months until i get back on feet and leave. 3. Just tell him to f off and hope for the best. The thing is I love this guy like crazy and it's killing me. And I worry about kids. Feeling hopeless in the East.
BaileyB Posted May 22, 2021 Posted May 22, 2021 How about option 4. Marriage counselling? I wouldn’t be making any decisions until I at least talked with the man.
Happy Lemming Posted May 23, 2021 Posted May 23, 2021 I vote for option #2... Make a plan, get your finances together, secure an apartment, movers, etc. and leave. These aren't your kids. Two people made those children -- a mom and their Dad, you are neither one of those individuals. Once you're gone, he'll figure out what to do with the kids and child care. Why would you want to stay, knowing you have a finite expiration date. You are a person, not a gallon of milk. 4
chillii Posted May 23, 2021 Posted May 23, 2021 (edited) Pretty irresponsible of him to be telling his kids something like that and wtf , in 5yrs time , wth is wrong with him and wth would he even be bringing that up NOW , and to them of all people ? , especially with what they've been through , just to make them feel even more insecure, jezuzzz. l think the very first thing to do is to talk to him , and tell him what you've heard , see what he has to say. Edited May 23, 2021 by chillii
Gaeta Posted May 23, 2021 Posted May 23, 2021 He's in a dark place right, he needs a therapist to talk it out. No one knows what we'll need in 5 years. When I have a lot of stress from work I will say things like I'm gonna sell everything and go live in a cabin somewhere. I don't mean it, it's stress.
d0nnivain Posted May 23, 2021 Posted May 23, 2021 20 hours ago, Terri D said: My boyfriend of a year has plans to nit just leave me but pretty much abandon me in 5 years. I overheard a conversation he had stating if it weren't for the kids he'd be single. That he's between a rock and a hard place. That it's not me, it's him. That I treat him like gold. Here's the full dilemma he got full custody of his kids. We ended up moving in together prematurely because of them. You did not move in prematurely because of his kids. His kids did nothing to you. They are children. They do not control your behavior. You thought this would make you one big happy family but it didn't. Your present living situation is the result of a choice you made. Own that. What do you mean you have his kids all week? Sounds like he's using you for free child care. Now you need to tell him what you overheard & let him explain himself. If you really are just free live in child care that he gets to have sex with, how does that not cool your ardor immediately? In your shoes I'd be furious & I'd be packing. His kids will live without the presence of daddy's GF.
elaine567 Posted May 23, 2021 Posted May 23, 2021 20 hours ago, Terri D said: The thing is I love this guy like crazy and it's killing me. The thing is he doesn't love you... He has a plan to use your services as nanny for the next 5 years, till his kids are grown up, then boot you out. It has just been a year it is not like you have raised these kids from babies, so I would try not to over emphasise your part in their lives, I guess he will soon replace you with some other woman, so do not think your loss will be that significant. Kids especially teenagers will soon adjust and carry on. Get you ducks in a row and move out asap, there is nothing for you here. 4
Taramere Posted May 23, 2021 Posted May 23, 2021 21 hours ago, Terri D said: My boyfriend of a year has plans to nit just leave me but pretty much abandon me in 5 years. I overheard a conversation he had stating if it weren't for the kids he'd be single. That he's between a rock and a hard place. That it's not me, it's him. That I treat him like gold. Who was he having this conversation with, and how did you overhear it?
Wiseman2 Posted May 23, 2021 Posted May 23, 2021 (edited) 22 hours ago, Terri D said: My boyfriend of a year has plans to nit just leave me but pretty much abandon me in 5 years. I overheard a conversation he had stating if it weren't for the kids he'd be single. 2. Stay for about 4 months until i get back on feet and leave. Sorry this happened. How did you overhear this? Why does he have this 5 year plan and who was he saying this to? What do you mean "get back on your feet" and "move in prematurely"? Is he paying your room and board in exchange for nanny/maid services? Cut your losses. Move out asap. It's only 12 mos./zero commitment and an inordinate amount of headaches, heartaches and drama already. Edited May 23, 2021 by Wiseman2
emprosnet7 Posted May 26, 2021 Posted May 26, 2021 How was this conversation, in what circumstances? He may have stated " if it weren't for the kids he'd be single", but that does not define his future actions. It is better to confront him early on and let him explain before you make a decision.
vla1120 Posted May 26, 2021 Posted May 26, 2021 The very first thing I would do is confront him on the conversation. Let him know you overheard and ask him for an explanation. He cannot get indignant about a conversation that truly happened. Hopefully, he'll come clean and tell you what he's thinking. Since he said it's not you, it's him, it's possible he's feeling overwhelmed for whatever reason and you could work through this situation with some help from a relationship therapist. I would wait until you have more information before making any decision.
Happy Lemming Posted May 26, 2021 Posted May 26, 2021 32 minutes ago, vla1120 said: The very first thing I would do is confront him on the conversation. Let him know you overheard and ask him for an explanation. And he'll lie through his teeth. He'll tell the OP what she wants to hear. He was upset that day, he really didn't mean any of it and he loves the OP with all of his heart and soul, blah, blah, blah... This guy won't want to lose his built in baby sitter and sex partner, so he'll just lie about the true nature of the conversation. Then in five years... He'll pick a fight about something stupid and Poof, he'll be gone... 1
vla1120 Posted May 26, 2021 Posted May 26, 2021 4 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: And he'll lie through his teeth. He'll tell the OP what she wants to hear. He was upset that day, he really didn't mean any of it and he loves the OP with all of his heart and soul, blah, blah, blah... This guy won't want to lose his built in baby sitter and sex partner, so he'll just lie about the true nature of the conversation. Then in five years... He'll pick a fight about something stupid and Poof, he'll be gone... You're probably right. I'd still confront him just because I wouldn't let something like that go. If it were me, I'd have my bag packed sitting by the front door before I asked him, but I'd still ask him. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted May 27, 2021 Posted May 27, 2021 On 5/23/2021 at 1:03 AM, Terri D said: I overheard a conversation he had stating if it weren't for the kids he'd be single. That he's between a rock and a hard place. That it's not me, it's him. That I treat him like gold. Here's the full dilemma he got full custody of his kids. We ended up moving in together prematurely because of them. They were severely abused by their mom. I know I need to leave but everytime I get ready to What has been going on in your relationship recently? It sounds like this isn't the first time you have considered walking away, so I am curious what the backstory is between you and him and what has led to this point.
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