How do you handle interview type questions and feeling on the phone or during the 1st date

[max3732]

This has happened a few times and happened against yesterday. I called this woman from online dating and asked her something fun we'd talked about in our chat. Then she answers and goes into interview mode. What do you do for work. Where are you from, etc.

I find that I'm spending the whole conversation just answering biographical information and when I'm just about finished she'll ask another question. The only way I can ask her anything is if I say "how about you" as I'm finishing my answer. 

Would it be rude or hurt my chances if I said something about asking if I should send her my resume as well if we're going to do an interview or say that I'd rather have more of an organic conversation and learn something about her. I don't know if I'm expressing it right, but just something or someway to get out of feeling like I'm being interviewed and judged by everything I say.

This has happened on quite a few first dates as well. I'd like for us to learn about each other, but with a natural flowing conversation. I get kind of uncomfortable and don't find it fun to be interviewed.

[norealusername]

It's fine to ask basic questions but if they're really shooting off questions like an interview, just drop them and move on. They're way to picky and demanding to be in a relationship, not worth the headaches.

[chillii]

l don't blame ya , sounds ridiculous and shoudn;t be like that that's just try hard bs .

Anything just comes out naturally anyway along the way if you actually get along. l mean sure there'd always be a question or two, but mostly l mean.

l dunno what l'd say , l'd probably be yawning and thinking about my get away.

Edited May 22, 2021 by chillii

[ShyViolet]

I'd definitely be turned off by this.  I think it's a sign that she's a boring person and can't think of anything interesting to talk about.  Don't do the thing where you ask "should I just send you my resume?", unless you're prepared to end the interaction with her and not speak to her again.... because that is a little snarky and she will probably take offense to it.

[poppyfields]

max, she is "qualifying" you, ugh, screw that. It's unnatural, contrived, and a turn off.

As a joke, yeah ask her if she wants you to send your resume, that wouid be funny!  Lol

On second thought, don't bother, simply next her.

 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

.  I think it's a sign that she's a boring person and can't think of anything interesting to talk about.

Or she is just nervous and trying to avoid long silences.

[dramafreezone]

I've only ever encountered the "interview date" when dating women from OLD.  Whenever I've dated someone that I met in real life, never happened.

I think it stems from dating someone that has minimal interest in you, but you have more interest in them (and they can sense it).  It is just that, an interview in that they have lot of applicants, something you want, their relationship and you're the one trying to gain their favor.  You're not going to stop this, but you can talk to people from OLD on the phone for a quick 10-15 minutes to see if that's the vibe they're giving.  After that, you can decide if that's something you want to endure on an actual date.

@poppyfieldshas the right idea, you need to rib her when she's railing off with a bunch of questions.  Make it light, let uer know that you're really not taking this seriously.  "Dang, you want my ATM number too?"  Something like that.  Then ask her questions, flip it on her.

Edited May 22, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, max3732 said:

if I said something about asking if I should send her my resume as well if we're going to do an interview

If you have no interest in meeting (wondering why you haven't asked that yet), sure be snarky.

However seems like you are wasting your time because you are already getting annoyed with her before even sidestepping questions politely by  saying something such as "let's go over all that when we meet for coffee".

[dramafreezone]

34 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you have no interest in meeting (wondering why you haven't asked that yet), sure be snarky.

However seems like you are wasting your time because you are already getting annoyed with her before even sidestepping questions politely by  saying something such as "let's go over all that when we meet for coffee".

Well, he's going to get them on the in-person "interview"(if she agrees to actually go out with him).

She may not even realize that she's doing it.  I don't think women "interview" on purpose.  It's just when overt attraction to the guy is low.

This is one thing I got really good at from speed dating.  What worked for me is short answers, and immediately flipping things back on her.  When she's rattling off questions, she's in charge, he needs to take charge.

But OP, keep it light, keep your cool, smile, transition to topics that she wants to talk about, like favorite vacation spots or TV series.  Both of those will help to take her mind off of questioning you.

Edited May 22, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Miss Spider]

I’ve

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Or she is just nervous and trying to avoid long silences.

Yea... I’ve never done this, even when I’m not attracted to someone on a online date, which has been quite often. So it seems odd to me...But I’m interested in people and stories, in general.  It could definitely be a lack of interest on her part... not wanting to put any effort in. It could also be  poor conversation skills on her part, your part,  or a combination of both( like the two of you together have no “conversational chemistry”).  

 

Since I can’t really do anything about her, I’ll offer my 2 cents to you. Are you being sure you’re responding to each question in an interesting manner? E.g.  If she asks you what you do for a living..  do you just say your job title , or do you add a an interesting or humorous story about something happened at work or how you got into it or feel about it? Otherwise, she might get tired carrying the conversation or want to fill the silences and result to this . 
 

Secondly, you ask if you should make a joke to break the ice. A big thing with jokes flying or failing is confidence. You shouldn’t ask if you can make a joke. Some people are not going to find it funny or get the humor, but you’re not making a joke for them . Have more confidence and self assuredness  in yourself/who you are , Max

 

Lastly, which is kinda intertwined with the second point is why you’re still interested in connecting with someone you feel is stiff, boring, and/or intrusive in conversation.. You’ve said several times you’re dating for marriage. If someone acted like this to me on a date it would be a huge turn off. I think with someone I’d want a serious relationship, conversation flows freely with them and we vibe. I’m not you, so maybe you feel it can get better later or conversation just isn’t a huge concern to you. It’s just a question to ask yourself

gl

 

Edited May 22, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[seapebbles]

Can you add some of that basic information to your online dating profile? Maybe you could avoid the "interview questions" that way. If not, then I don't see a problem with someone asking the basic questions to get to know you. Although it would be annoying if it were in the style of an interview. 

People have certain criteria that they are looking for, and there is nothing wrong with that. Women get a lot of attention on online dating sites and usually try to weed out people quickly so as not waste anyone's time. It's a good sign that the two of you got along well enough in chat to take it to a phone call. I like the idea of you setting up a date sooner in the conversation and saying that you would like to talk about all of that basic stuff in person. Or stear the conversation with " enough about me, let's talk about you now" 

4 hours ago, max3732 said:

Would it be rude or hurt my chances if I said something about asking if I should send her my resume as well if we're going to do an interview or say that I'd rather have more of an organic conversation and learn something about her.

Sure it may hurt your chances with some women, but do you really want to date someone who can't take a little ribbing or honesty? 

Remember, you do have part control over the conversation as others have mentioned. Try to keep it short, lighthearted, and talk about setting up a time to meet in person.

Edited May 22, 2021 by seapebbles

[Kamau]

4 hours ago, max3732 said:

This has happened a few times and happened against yesterday. I called this woman from online dating and asked her something fun we'd talked about in our chat. Then she answers and goes into interview mode. What do you do for work. Where are you from, etc.

I find that I'm spending the whole conversation just answering biographical information and when I'm just about finished she'll ask another question. The only way I can ask her anything is if I say "how about you" as I'm finishing my answer. 

Would it be rude or hurt my chances if I said something about asking if I should send her my resume as well if we're going to do an interview or say that I'd rather have more of an organic conversation and learn something about her. I don't know if I'm expressing it right, but just something or someway to get out of feeling like I'm being interviewed and judged by everything I say.

This has happened on quite a few first dates as well. I'd like for us to learn about each other, but with a natural flowing conversation. I get kind of uncomfortable and don't find it fun to be interviewed.

 Lmao !!!! At send resume... she probably doesn’t know how to talk to strangers. And maybe thinking she’s asking questions that’ll keep y’all talking.. sounds boring, what I use to do is break the ice instantly! Say something funny, be unpredictable, don’t filter yourself unless it’s too much... it’ll make her relax more ! 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, max3732 said:

What do you do for work. Where are you from, etc.

Sounds like typical small talk.

[dramafreezone]

6 hours ago, max3732 said:

This has happened a few times and happened against yesterday. I called this woman from online dating and asked her something fun we'd talked about in our chat. Then she answers and goes into interview mode. What do you do for work. Where are you from, etc.

I find that I'm spending the whole conversation just answering biographical information and when I'm just about finished she'll ask another question. The only way I can ask her anything is if I say "how about you" as I'm finishing my answer. 

 

Ok, that's what you should do.  Flip it on her, what do you do for work?

Then ask follow-up questions, but use them to go in a fun/aspirational direction, such as "if money were no object, what would you be doing."  Then when they tell you, so "oh wow, why that?"  In my experience most women will say they'd travel more.  That leads into another one, "oh wow, where would you travel?"  "Why there? Have you been there before?"  "Where else would you like to travel?"  If you're in the moment and attentive, you'll see jumping off points to the next question.

If there was chemistry and the conversation flowed well, she'll be thinking about all of those fun places, her hopes and dreams, and those positive thoughts were triggered by you.  That all plays in your favor IMO.  She doesn't actually want to talk about those mundane line item topics, so relieve that burden.

Edited May 22, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Miss Spider]

I got that once now that I remember. I had this guy ask me that “fun” interview question: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Just me, but I cringe a bit. That’s fine for an employer to ask.. but on a date it just seems so rehearsed/corny  and a sign the guy is probably nice but just not that great at dates. It’s a sign we’re not gonna vibe but again just me 

Edited May 22, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[dramafreezone]

26 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I got that once now that I remember. I had this guy ask me that “fun” interview question: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Just me, but I cringe a bit. That’s fine for an employer to ask.. but on a date it just seems so rehearsed/corny  and a sign the guy is probably nice but just not that great at dates. It’s a sign we’re not gonna vibe but again just me 

Well that's not fun at all.  I would never ask that question.  It's not aspirational, it's just practical, matter-of-fact.

In any event, I'm not trying some one-size-fits-all type of conversation that works for every woman, because that's impossible.  This is how to answer someone that's asking him these type of mundane questions.  That's one way to redirect it.  If it turns her off, oh well, probably wasn't going to work anyway.  If someone is asking "interview questions" the guy is already fighting an uphill battle.  Women that have really been interested me generally don't even go there, or if they do it's very easy to get them off of it. 

Edited May 22, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Miss Spider]

Yea that’s true. I forget what I said but I probably deflected with humor like always. The thing about those aspirational questions is that  although they may work for some people, it’s not my vibe. I remember looking at those “interesting” first date topics when I first started dating thinking I might keep it in mind if all else fails, but I never did it. I’ve never been that hard up on conversation with someone on a date.  Especially someone I’m into, the conversation just flows naturally. Like, it’s cool if we happen to get on the topic of travel to be asked what’s the next place I want to travel. But just a random question thrown out there? I’ve literally never thought about my  “favorite place on earth” or these profound questions... and it’s just not a question I want to be asked on a first date. Feels forced and I feel put on the spot, like he has a survey to fill out. There’s just so much about me and my hopes/dreams/goals, but I’d rather have that organically unfold by just getting to know each other gradually.  It’s more authentic/less contrived that way anyway 

 

But like I said it could totally be the people. Some people may love that stuff.  Try it and if you have success, keep it up 

Edited May 22, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[dramafreezone]

38 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

 I’ve never been that hard up on conversation with someone on a date.  Especially someone I’m into, the conversation just flows naturally. Like, it’s cool if we happen to get on the topic of travel to be asked what’s the next place I want to travel. But just a random question thrown out there? I’ve literally never thought about my  “favorite place on earth” or these profound questions... and it’s just not a question I want to be asked on a first date. Feels forced and I feel put on the spot, like he has a survey to fill out. There’s just so much about me and my hopes/dreams/goals, but I’d rather have that organically unfold by just getting to know each other gradually.  It’s more authentic/less contrived that way anyway 

 

But like I said it could totally be the people. Some people may love that stuff.  Try it and if you have success, keep it up 

Well that's my entire point.  When you're on a date with someone that is really into you and vice versa conversation isn't an issue.  If conversation seems forced, it's because you weren't that into them to begin with.  When you're interested, you put effort into it.

If a guy is even getting interview questions, odds are that the woman is barely interested.  That's one reason why I stopped OLD, those are the only dates where I got them.

As far as travel, yes it may just be you.  More often than not women I've dated will go on for 15-20 minutes on their favorite vacations spots.  Maybe it's a location thing too, I live in California and seems like most here love to travel and love to talk about it. 

But I've been on enough dates to know that you can't have chemistry with everyone so if the conversation is a dud I'll just cut the whole thing short.

Edited May 22, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Miss Spider]

Yea don’t get me wrong, I like to travel too and it’s a cool topic if it comes up organically. The aspirational question is what I’m on about though. Just a random “Top 5 travel destinations. Go.” or  “If you could take off and go anywhere on Earth right now, where would it be?” Look,  I’ll answer, and I might go on for a bit because those questions put you on the spot and are typically loaded af , but it wouldn’t be doing him any favors, maybe actually hurt him unless he’s already so fly it doesn’t matter. I’m just not vibing those types of questions, personally 

Edited May 22, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[basil67]

8 hours ago, max3732 said:

Would it be rude or hurt my chances if I said something about asking if I should send her my resume as well if we're going to do an interview or say that I'd rather have more of an organic conversation and learn something about her. I don't know if I'm expressing it right, but just something or someway to get out of feeling like I'm being interviewed and judged by everything I say.

Is this a trick question?  Of course it would be rude and hurt your chances.   

The bigger question though is why you're wanting chances with her when her conversation style annoys you.   She's probably doing her best, but if her best isn't what you want, then move on. 

[max3732]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Is this a trick question?  Of course it would be rude and hurt your chances.   

The bigger question though is why you're wanting chances with her when her conversation style annoys you.   She's probably doing her best, but if her best isn't what you want, then move on. 

I guess it's because I don't feel like it's fair for me to judge someone based on them doing one thing that annoys me (interview questions) when we first meet or talk on the phone. I'm sure that she doesn't talk that way once she's in a relationship or with her friends/family and I'd like to get to know how she really is and maybe find out we actually do get along well. I know on a 1st date or 1st conversation I'm nervous and may say things that are off putting that aren't the way I normally act too.

Something else I was thinking that bothers me is that when I get these interview questions I can almost feel them putting my answers into yes or no columns. I don't feel like she's really listening to what I'm saying. Like if she asks me if I like to travel and tell her a funny story from a trip she'll just say "ok, where are you from" or something. That just kind of bugs me.

[chillii]

6 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Or she is just nervous and trying to avoid long silences.

 

Yeah true , in some ways with some people these are just innocent things people start talking about or asking as a means of getting some convo going . But you could tell the difference.

 

 

 

 

[Miss Spider]

36 minutes ago, max3732 said:

I guess it's because I don't feel like it's fair for me to judge someone based on them doing one thing that annoys me (interview questions) when we first meet or talk on the phone. I'm sure that she doesn't talk that way once she's in a relationship or with her friends/family and I'd like to get to know how she really is and maybe find out we actually do get along well. I know on a 1st date or 1st conversation I'm nervous and may say things that are off putting that aren't the way I normally act too.

 

So just do the dang thing, man. You can’t make everyone happy all the time & people who try are probably the least attractive people on the planet. If you want to try to change the subject with humor, as long as you’re not trying to offend anyone, you do you. I’m sure she isn’t trying to offend you with her ball machine of questions. I mean, she could be. But I don’t think that she is. Just mismatch in communication at that moment and that happens in life all the time. If she gets it/you, you guys will have a chuckle over it and the questions will lax up. If she doesn’t, sorry about that, bye

 

The reason I am so emphatic  about this is because I have followed your posts.  I remember you asking how to word your dating profile verbatim on here. That’s something that you really need to do yourself, because it is about you. It reflects who you are. And then they were some other things like topics you should talk about when speed dating. I am also not trying to criticize you or anything here, and if my motive is misconstrued I’m sorry. I am just trying to help .  I just think if you built up your confidence / stop worry so much what others think, you’d do better way better at this 

Edited May 22, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[basil67]

53 minutes ago, max3732 said:

I guess it's because I don't feel like it's fair for me to judge someone based on them doing one thing that annoys me (interview questions) when we first meet or talk on the phone. I'm sure that she doesn't talk that way once she's in a relationship or with her friends/family and I'd like to get to know how she really is and maybe find out we actually do get along well. I know on a 1st date or 1st conversation I'm nervous and may say things that are off putting that aren't the way I normally act too.

Something else I was thinking that bothers me is that when I get these interview questions I can almost feel them putting my answers into yes or no columns. I don't feel like she's really listening to what I'm saying. Like if she asks me if I like to travel and tell her a funny story from a trip she'll just say "ok, where are you from" or something. That just kind of bugs me.

If you're not trying to judge, then perhaps put it down to them having less than perfect 'getting to know you' conversation skills and be more forgiving.  But if you're frustrated to the point of jokingly offering to send a resume, just end the date.  

I guess it all goes back to your tolerance levels. 

[Versacehottie]

22 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If you're not trying to judge, then perhaps put it down to them having less than perfect 'getting to know you' conversation skills and be more forgiving. 

If you each treat online dating as shopping for a person, this is bound to happen. Instead of judging the other person for it on date one and knowing that you sometimes have not been your best on first dates due to being nervous, you could turn it around and show it as an attempt to show what a great conversationalist and how much charm you have, right?  A good conversation is a two way street, so it's absolutely within your grasp to turn this around if you have good conversation skills yourself and charm.  You can be playful, don't answer directly, take a portion of what they said or a nugget that is buried within what they said and expand the conversation to a more fun place. That's not on all her. And you're the guy so don't act like you have no power in the situation--if you are acting that way, it's part of the problem for sure.

I wouldn't be so easily annoyed by someone not having good conversation skills if you do your best to make it better and she can't keep up or there is no chemistry or banter, then just don't ask for a second date. It's not something to get up in arms about. It's 100% part of getting to know someone which is what a predate or first date conversations are for.  If you are trying your best to bring someone out of their shell and you give it a good attempt and see no chance past that because someone is too rigid or doesn't have a personality that meshes with yours, that's fine.

While the resume comment is funny if you are discussing the aftermath of a bad date with friends, I wouldn't recommend saying it.  What would you really hope to accomplish?  Also on a basic human kindness level, you shouldn't be rude to people just because they are not fulfilling your hopes and dreams. it's not like she is doing something mean to you.  She's just not evolved in a way that works for you romantically.  I'm sure someone has felt that way about you before and don't think you would appreciate if they said a jerk comment to get a reaction.  You still should act in a way that if your dream girl was sitting at the next table or your mother that you are not embarrassing yourself if they overheard.