Did I get played? - UPDATED

[Roland Deschain]

Cookies and dough - thanks for your comment - I struggle with the comment "being too nice" it's like saying this food is "too delicious" or this drink is "too thirst-quenching".

Most guys (myself included) make an effort to be nice to girls and show that they're caring people.

If some girls somehow view that as weakness or off-putting, I'm afraid I have to say that shows more about them than the guy they're interacting with.

If someone has an issue with someone being nice and making an effort, I'd say that shows some seriously messed up priorities and standards on their part.

I have never come across someone and viewed them in a lesser light because they were nice.

Thanks again everyone.

 

[Miss Spider]

11 minutes ago, Roland Deschain said:

Cookies and dough - thanks for your comment - I struggle with the comment "being too nice" it's like saying this food is "too delicious" or this drink is "too thirst-quenching".

Most guys (myself included) make an effort to be nice to girls and show that they're caring people.

If some girls somehow view that as weakness or off-putting, I'm afraid I have to say that shows more about them than the guy they're interacting with.

If someone has an issue with someone being nice and making an effort, I'd say that shows some seriously messed up priorities and standards on their part.

I have never come across someone and viewed them in a lesser light because they were nice.

Thanks again everyone.

 

I agree with you generally, except when someone berates you or disrespects you, it’s better to just walk away. I get it’s hard to do when you like someone that is why people like this do that though. They know that you like them and that you have a chance to crack. But explaining yourself to those type people in a nice way is is at best just a waste of time and energy. Sometimes you just Gotta know to shake your head and walk away. It’s definitely a sign of strength and self -assured ness.You are an older man and she put you in that category most older men go into… they’re try hard, almost sycophantic with it because they’re trying to lock you down. Anyway, I get what you’re saying though and it’s some thing I struggle with myself because I am often trying to be a kind and caring person.

Edited July 31, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, Roland Deschain said:

Cookies and dough - thanks for your comment - I struggle with the comment "being too nice" it's like saying this food is "too delicious" or this drink is "too thirst-quenching".

Most guys (myself included) make an effort to be nice to girls and show that they're caring people.

If some girls somehow view that as weakness or off-putting, I'm afraid I have to say that shows more about them than the guy they're interacting with.

If someone has an issue with someone being nice and making an effort, I'd say that shows some seriously messed up priorities and standards on their part.

I have never come across someone and viewed them in a lesser light because they were nice.

Thanks again everyone.

 

I agree with you.

It's like telling someone you like them, being emotionally honest and vulnerable.

Many people believe by opening up and being vulnerable, you are giving them power over you, the "upper hand," but it does NOT have to mean that at all!

As long as you remain true to your own internal and spiritual core, maintain proper boundaries, don't allow them or anyway to disrespect you or treat you "less than," being open and vulnerable is a strength!  

Not a weakness as some people believe.  Same with being nice, imo.

@Roland Deschaincontinue being you.  Honest, genuine, real.  Nice. 

You can be that 'nice guy' as long as you stay true to your own internal core, and maintain proper boundaries.

Which you did beautifully I might add.

I'm sorry things didn't work out here, but hopefully you learned something from it?  Something positive to take away with you?

All the best moving forward! 

Edited July 31, 2021 by poppyfields

[Roland Deschain]

Thanks cookiesanddough

Ultimately, as long as I learn from this it will be okay

I think I need to be more careful about developing feelings for someone, but like I said the slightest bit of female attention and I start to like the girl.

I appreciate it's something to be wary of.

I'll be sure not to make this mistake again.

In fairness to her, she is only figuring things out herself whereas I am on an established career path, have been through education and post-grad etc. So there's a gulf between us in that sense.

I don't resent her and hope she finds happiness in life.

At the very least, I've learned I can stand up for myself 

[Roland Deschain]

Poppyfields - thank you so much

if anything, I think it was up to me as an older, more mature guy to take responsibility for the situation.

which I think I have done

she might not like that I was honest to the point of bluntness, but there was no malice in it at all

she now knows for certain what my stance is - she has closure on this and we can both progress in our lives.

thanks again everyone

[Miss Spider]

9 minutes ago, Roland Deschain said:

Thanks cookiesanddough

Ultimately, as long as I learn from this it will be okay

I think I need to be more careful about developing feelings for someone, but like I said the slightest bit of female attention and I start to like the girl.

I appreciate it's something to be wary of.

I'll be sure not to make this mistake again.

In fairness to her, she is only figuring things out herself whereas I am on an established career path, have been through education and post-grad etc. So there's a gulf between us in that sense.

I don't resent her and hope she finds happiness in life.

At the very least, I've learned I can stand up for myself 

I agree 100%. Most things  that don’t go our way can be a learning experience and I’m proud of you for having resolve because you don’t know how many guys would have apologized to her after hearing her lecture and tried to keep in her orbit until she “figured things out” … likr 99% . I’ve always respected the guys I who have door slammed me after I rejected them. Like “cool choice you made, hope you like it.” It wasn’t that they weren’t being nice— it’s that they weren’t being too nice. Give an inch and some of these people here will try to take a mile. They were putting themselves first and foremost and you gotta respect that 

 

 

btw nice username 

Edited July 31, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Roland Deschain]

8 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I agree 100%. Most things  that don’t go our way can be a learning experience and I’m proud of you for having resolve because you don’t know how many guys would have apologized to her after hearing her lecture and tried to keep in her orbit until she “figured things out” … likr 99% . I’ve always respected the guys I who have door slammed me after I rejected them. Like “cool choice you made, hope you like it.” It wasn’t that they weren’t being nice— it’s that they weren’t being too nice. Give an inch and some of these people here will try to take a mile. They were putting themselves first and foremost and you gotta respect that 

 

 

btw nice username 

 

[Roland Deschain]

8 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I agree 100%. Most things  that don’t go our way can be a learning experience and I’m proud of you for having resolve because you don’t know how many guys would have apologized to her after hearing her lecture and tried to keep in her orbit until she “figured things out” … likr 99% . I’ve always respected the guys I who have door slammed me after I rejected them. Like “cool choice you made, hope you like it.” It wasn’t that they weren’t being nice— it’s that they weren’t being too nice. Give an inch and some of these people here will try to take a mile. They were putting themselves first and foremost and you gotta respect that 

 

 

btw nice username 

Haha! Thank you! Gunslinger at your service:)

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Roland Deschain said:

So to go from that to "I like you as a friend but not as a potential boyfriend" is completely dishonest - I think she conned me here.

Having said that, I'm nearly 30 and should have known better - I fully admit that I was entranced with a hot girl who seemingly was interested in me sexually.

 

I don’t know that she conned you, but like you said I’m sure she liked the attention. That alone is flag for me. Women that need male attention to feel worthy or to get over a breakup etc. are usually somewhat messed up. I dated a woman like this once (very messed up) and one of her favorite sayings was “the best way to get over a guy is to get under one”. That being said, she’s very young as well so that plays into it as well. 
 

 

[stillafool]

On 5/23/2021 at 3:08 AM, Roland Deschain said:

Basil67 - She was the one who admitted feelings for me first, I then said the feelings were reciprocal. I have been totally straight with her that I saw her as girlfriend material.

Roland what action did you take after the above was said between you two?  Did you kiss her and show her how you felt about her......then what happened?

I know for me if I were to reveal my feelings to a guy and he reciprocated and told me he saw me as his girlfriend, within 60 seconds I'd better be in his arms.

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, Roland Deschain said:

I accept I'm probably at a disadvantage here because I'm now 28 and haven't had much success with girls but even I know that referring to facetime as "date nights" and wearing lingerie whilst at the same time being "only friends" is disingenuous in the extreme.

Sounds like perhaps she was figuring out whether or not to take it further. Or you were a rebound in an emotional/validation sense only and she was sprinkling a little of the lingerie catnip out for you so you'd pay more attn to her.

The bottom line is that she doesn't have a "right" to demand you continue your friendship (or that you continue to be her orbiter, which may be more along the lines of what it became). People start and stop being "friends" all the time and there doesn't HAVE to be a reason. That may annoy her, but c'est la vie - you weren't getting what you hoped for (greater intimacy/an eventual relationship) out of the friendship so in that sense she was annoying you, or at least wasting your time from your perspective.

There definitely CAN be platonic friendships between men and women, but it's easier said than done if one of them has a romantic interest and the other does not. And it's perfectly reasonable to focus your friendship on friends who are platonic friends (where that is your primary/only interest) and only date those you're interested in dating rather than hanging around them if they don't reciprocate.

Perhaps you could have softened this with a "well, thanks, but I'm not interested" communication to end the friendship. That might have made sense and eased her feelings a bit.

Edited August 1, 2021 by mark clemson

[glows]

8 hours ago, Roland Deschain said:

However I owe to it to myself to not settle to be someone's post-breakup emotional support until they find a guy they want - especially given this would be at the expense of my own emotional health and self-esteem.

Yes, and it’s called boundaries. Some don’t have it and expect others to listen to their emotional blackmail and rants. As someone you’re no longer dating you have zero obligation listening any of it. Maintain your boundaries. Move on from this and good luck. 

[Calmandfocused]

12 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I agree with you.

It's like telling someone you like them, being emotionally honest and vulnerable.

Many people believe by opening up and being vulnerable, you are giving them power over you, the "upper hand," but it does NOT have to mean that at all!

As long as you remain true to your own internal and spiritual core, maintain proper boundaries, don't allow them or anyway to disrespect you or treat you "less than," being open and vulnerable is a strength!  

Not a weakness as some people believe.  Same with being nice, imo.

@Roland Deschaincontinue being you.  Honest, genuine, real.  Nice. 

You can be that 'nice guy' as long as you stay true to your own internal core, and maintain proper boundaries.

Which you did beautifully I might add.

I'm sorry things didn't work out here, but hopefully you learned something from it?  Something positive to take away with you?

All the best moving forward! 

Agree 100%. 
 

Op as you quite rightly said: if a woman has a problem with you being a “nice guy” the issue is on her. 
 

There is no such thing as being “too nice”. As long as you don’t compromise your boundaries, stick up for yourself and don’t let people walk all over you, you’re good. 
 

Be proud of who you are and stay true to yourself. 
 

Some women just want a nice guy who knows how to treat a woman properly- me especially. If I could find one, I’d be over the moon! 

[elaine567]

10 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Women that need male attention to feel worthy or to get over a breakup etc. are usually somewhat messed up.

He knew she was "messed up",  and that was another big mistake after the fact he tried the "friend" approach and he was far too old for her.
People rarely exit relationships without being "messed up", they need time to heal and get over it. 
Never a great idea to get involved with anyone recently broken up, they are too unstable, they don't really know what they want, they will seek out any port in the storm, and will often bring hurt and chaos into other's lives as they struggle to find themselves again.
Once they are feeling better, they will usually jettison their rescuer... 

[Roland Deschain]

Elaine - thanks for your words of wisdom.

Evaluating the situation and the last 9 months in which I have known this girl, I agree you are bang on the money in your assessment.

1 - I'm too old for her 

2 - She recently broke up

3 - Even if we did get together or hook up, I envisage cracks would have started to show very quickly to the detriment of us both.

Probably the most mature way to look at this is as a lucky escape for us both haha.

I realise now after all your help and my own thoughts that this was all a bit of a mess from the start and I should have stayed away.

What can I say, I'm a guy and I enjoy talking to a hot girl - what guy doesn't? 

To err is human etc....

Lessons learned, won't make the same mistake again.

Thanks again everyone for taking the time to help out - really appreciate it :)

[smackie9]

Ya I think most people look for validation for themselves after a breakup...just like she chose to. Attraction blurs the lines, and common sense goes out the window. Looking back none of this was right. You may have not seen it but a woman is vulnerable after a breakup, and it looked like you took opportunity blinded by her promises, your desires. Just saying. She will realize her mistakes as much as you did in time. We have all done it...it takes something like that to pull our head out of out butt, and redirect ourselves. It's how we grow and mature no matter how old you are Best of luck.

Edited August 1, 2021 by smackie9