Did I get played? - UPDATED

[Roland Deschain]

Hello everyone

Hope you're all doing okay :)

just wanted to say thank you for all your wisdom and input on my last post.

Picking up from there, I totally cut contact with her after my intuition told my I'd been "friend-zoned".

To be brutally honest with myself, she liked me enough to be a "friend" - I didn't know whether to be insulted or happy. But she didn't like me enough to consider something serious.

Anyway, about 10 weeks after I cut contact, I got a big lecturing message from her saying she was hurt by my actions and all the rest.

I of course deleted it and blocked her number.

I then bumped into her where she proceeded to lecture me about how I'd behaved etc.

All I could think was she was trying to play the victim and missed the constant attention and validation I'd been giving her.

Looking back I realised I'd been a massive simp (I'll never be that way again) but as you can probably tell, I don't get laid much so the slightest bit of female attention and I'm drawn in.

Anyway, the encounter ended with me wishing her all the best and that I would always be civil but would not even consider unblocking her.

If I'm only good enough for a "friend" (I.e. an adoring sucker until a more desirable guy comes along) I'm not interested.

I feel like I handled it well.

What do you guys think? 

[Miss Spider]

7 hours ago, Roland Deschain said:

Hello everyone

Hope you're all doing okay

just wanted to say thank you for all your wisdom and input on my last post.

Picking up from there, I totally cut contact with her after my intuition told my I'd been "friend-zoned".

To be brutally honest with myself, she liked me enough to be a "friend" - I didn't know whether to be insulted or happy. But she didn't like me enough to consider something serious.

Anyway, about 10 weeks after I cut contact, I got a big lecturing message from her saying she was hurt by my actions and all the rest.

I of course deleted it and blocked her number.

I then bumped into her where she proceeded to lecture me about how I'd behaved etc.

All I could think was she was trying to play the victim and missed the constant attention and validation I'd been giving her.

Looking back I realised I'd been a massive simp (I'll never be that way again) but as you can probably tell, I don't get laid much so the slightest bit of female attention and I'm drawn in.

Anyway, the encounter ended with me wishing her all the best and that I would always be civil but would not even consider unblocking her.

If I'm only good enough for a "friend" (I.e. an adoring sucker until a more desirable guy comes along) I'm not interested.

I feel like I handled it well.

What do you guys think? 

Yea I know that acted offended a guy blocked me when I know perfectly good reason why he did.. I salute you wholeheartedly for not taking the bait. Honestly don’t waste your time with her anymore is the best thing you can do 

[CaliforniaGirl]

8 hours ago, Roland Deschain said:

Hello everyone

Hope you're all doing okay

just wanted to say thank you for all your wisdom and input on my last post.

Picking up from there, I totally cut contact with her after my intuition told my I'd been "friend-zoned".

To be brutally honest with myself, she liked me enough to be a "friend" - I didn't know whether to be insulted or happy. But she didn't like me enough to consider something serious.

Anyway, about 10 weeks after I cut contact, I got a big lecturing message from her saying she was hurt by my actions and all the rest.

I of course deleted it and blocked her number.

I then bumped into her where she proceeded to lecture me about how I'd behaved etc.

All I could think was she was trying to play the victim and missed the constant attention and validation I'd been giving her.

Looking back I realised I'd been a massive simp (I'll never be that way again) but as you can probably tell, I don't get laid much so the slightest bit of female attention and I'm drawn in.

Anyway, the encounter ended with me wishing her all the best and that I would always be civil but would not even consider unblocking her.

If I'm only good enough for a "friend" (I.e. an adoring sucker until a more desirable guy comes along) I'm not interested.

I feel like I handled it well.

What do you guys think? 

Wow. Good for you.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Roland Deschain said:

the encounter ended with me wishing her all the best and that I would always be civil but would not even consider unblocking her.

Excellent. Keep this chapter closed and in the past. That way you can move forward in peace.

[elaine567]

She liked you enough to be a friend, but she was not interested in dating you - that is how it works sometimes.
However you got butt hurt and blocked her out of the blue...
Some friend you turned out to be...
You were only interested  in her and her life as long as dating was on the cards...

Trouble is women are quite often happy platonically hanging out with guys, so are pretty miffed when a guy she thought was a friend and cared for her, turns out not to be a true friend.
"Just a guy looking to get laid..."
Next time make your intentions clear, stop sneaking around trying to be friends first.

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Trouble is women are quite often happy platonically hanging out with guys, so are pretty miffed when a guy she thought was a friend and cared for her, turns out not to be a true friend.
"Just a guy looking to get laid..."
Next time make your intentions clear, stop sneaking around trying to be friends first.

From the limited amount of info given, I am inclined to agree with elaine about this^^. 

I don't see how she "used" you at all. 

Yes she needed emotional support after her breakup but that's what true friends do - they support, uplift and motivate each other.

If you had needed support, as a friend she would have provided that back to you as well.

Again, that's what friends do, it has nothing to do with "using" each other. 

Problem was, you never wanted to be her friend at all, it was lip service, disingenuous as you wanted more.  To date and get laid.  

If anyone was "used" it was her, imo.

Ok so at first, perhaps she had feelings of wanting more, but then changed her mind.  She was recovering from a breakup, she felt vulnerable, that is perfectly normal.

What's happening here imo is like elaine said, you are "butthurt" that she doesn't want "more," you had expectations that it would "lead" to a 'relationship.

That didn't happen and you are now allowing your bruised EGO to drive your ship.  And thus blaming her for "using" you.

Next time, don't pretend to be a women's "friend" if you want more than friendship.  It's phony and disingenuous. 

No wonder she felt hurt and upset when you suddenly blocked.  

Also imo, a genuine friendship can lead to more in some cases. 

But not when one person wants more from the beginning.  It happens simultaneously, their feelings grow in unison. 

Lots of lessons to be learned from this, including behaving with honesty and integrity and owning your role in whatever happens to you - in love, and in life.

Good luck moving forward. 

EDIT:  Apologies if I misinterpreted the info given, and willing to change my opinion if/when more info is provided that support your feelings. 

 

 

 

Edited July 31, 2021 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

At this point, I pretty much know any guy who puts a significant amount of time into being “friends” with me wants to date me/sleep with me. I don’t play dumb about it. Slight possibility she’s just dumb 

Edited July 31, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

On 5/22/2021 at 9:33 PM, Roland Deschain said:

We spoke as friends and got on well since meeting but she was with someone up until around November last year. 

Since then we have gradually gotten closer and have been having date nights (remotely) during the pandemic...

May I ask why you agreed to be "friends" while she she was in a relationship?

Did she know that the nights you spent taking remotely were "date" nights?

I dunno, again it seemed you had a lot of expectations- that it would lead to something more, while in her.mind you were friends, and always had been.

Once she sensed you had a different agenda, she was honest with you.

And now you are butthurt, allowing your ego to steer your ship.

Own your part.  Take responsibility for your own choices.

And stop blaming her for "using" you, that's all I'm suggesting.

 

 

Edited July 31, 2021 by poppyfields

[glows]

She needs to move on as do you. Sending lecturing or long diatribe-esque messages would be indicative to me of someone still recovering emotionally (possibly from her last break up). She’s over-dramatizing and there’s no need for that. Leave her alone and absolutely do not look back.

Edited July 31, 2021 by glows

[Miss Spider]

^ yeah agree. This just seems too reminiscent of stuff that I used to do in the times when I used to gaslight people that I dated a little bit so that they would stay cool.  For example, my ex who told me that he was going to block me after I treated him pretty bad and totally deserved it. I tried to make  him out to be the bad guy for doing that. Same just recently with a guy I had only been out with once. I wasn’t responding to his messages and he told me that he was going to block me since it was just a waste of time. Later on he unblocked me and apologized, and I said I accepted his apology but I was hurt by what he did ( no I wasn’t) and he said no you weren’t  and I said yeah you’re right 

Edited July 31, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

48 minutes ago, glows said:

She needs to move on as do you. Sending lecturing or long diatribe-esque messages would be indicative to me of someone still recovering emotionally (possibly from her last break up). She’s over-dramatizing and there’s no need for that. Leave her alone and absolutely do not look back.

Agree, her 'lecturing" message was uncalled for but in her mind she was hurt that you blocked her and was simply speaking her piece.

If it made her feel better, good for her.

Given how she assumed based on your actions up until that point, you were friends, can't say I blame her. 

I would LOVE to hear her side of this!  

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

May I ask why you agreed to be "friends" while she she was in a relationship?

Did she know that the nights you spent taking remotely were "date" nights?

Yeah this to me is the key. Like was there any cyber-sex type activity? Anything beyond just a conversation friends would have?

[Miss Spider]

I know you want the answer from OP but I’m just gonna take a swing at it. Because it is very obvious when a guy has romantic interest in you and you are just trying to keep them friendzone. They will make flirtatious comments and try. It would take a complete dolt not to know this and I’m just giving girl the benefit of the doubt 

[poppyfields]

27 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I know you want the answer from OP but I’m just gonna take a swing at it. Because it is very obvious when a guy has romantic interest in you and you are just trying to keep them friendzone. They will make flirtatious comments and try. It would take a complete dolt not to know this and I’m just giving girl the benefit of the doubt 

Cookies, you know how you often complain that everything you do is always "your" fault according to some people?  

That's what you're doing now with this girl.  Blaming her for not reading his mind and knowing his agenda all along was to bang her. 

It's always been a big debate whether or not women and men can be friends. 

I never thought possible either, but I've changed my mind. I won't go into why, it's too complicated.

Bottom line is, the OP began a friendship with her knowing she had a boyfriend, he admitted it!

And his actions reflected it.  At least in her mind. 

Was he lying?  Apparently so.  Because the truth is he never wanted just "friends," he was pretending hoping, expecting it would lead to more - dating and sex. 

NOT her fault. 

[Miss Spider]

I am not trying to blame her per se, I even said that there is a possibility that she was just naïve enough not to know. But I think that was pretty much squashed when she had to be the one to tell him that she wanted to just be friends while she was talking to him. She knew we had romantic interest in her and continued to be his friend so I think she should should try to see from his perspective that blocking her is the best thing for him and not berate him about it. That’s all I was saying t

[poppyfields]

Since they have met in person, and had some sort of "relationship," even if just a friendship, blocking out of the blue was COLD, imo.  

He did it because he was butthurt she didn't want "more," how the hell is that her responsibility?

You even said in a previous post, you are not responsible for a man's feelings.

She didn't mislead him, she didn't take advantage of him, she didn't "use" him, they were friends from the beginning which he fully admitted to. 

And as a friend, she leaned on him for emotional support after her breakup. That's what friends are for. 

My take is she sensed he wanted more and that is when she was honest.  Till then, she assumed it was a friendship. She's not a mindteader! 

I think the kinder thing would have been to tell her he's not interested in a friendship, he's attracted and would like to date her. 

Since she doesn't feel same, wish her well and walk away. 

Put yourself in her shoes cookies. 

Remember when you were first trying to get back with your ex and you thought he blocked you?

You were quite upset!  You shared the texts!  You were pissed! 

As it turns out, you inadvertently blocked him, but the point is blocking is cold and anyone has the right to feel miffed about it.

 

[Miss Spider]

Respectfully disagree. Personally, I don’t think anybody owes anyone anything here and is not justified for blocking them for whatever reason they need to as long as they understand what that entails . Particularly  in this case where he made it clear he wants to date her and she is not interested. If she is so hard up on friends that she needs a guy that is romantically interested in her to keep engaging despite the fact he doesn’t wish to, then that sounds like a her problem imo.

 

 

Edited July 31, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Respectfully disagree. I don’t see it that way. I don’t think anybody owes anyone anything and it’s not is not justified for blocking them for whatever reason they need to . Especially in this case where he made it clear he wants to date her and she is not interested.

I dont think anyone "owes" anyone anything either, what I do think is we all owe it to ourselves to behave with honesty, thoughtfulness and integrity.

Unless she did something abusive and/or offensive (which she did not), blocking suddenly with no explanation was thoughtless and cold.

She had been a friend after all, regardless of whether HE wanted more or not. 

But we can agree to disagree cookies, I'm cool with that.  

Have fun at Chi! 

 

Edited July 31, 2021 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

 

Put yourself in her shoes cookies. 

Remember when you were first trying to get back with your ex and you thought he blocked you?

You were quite upset!  You shared the texts!  You were pissed! 

As it turns out, you inadvertently blocked him, but the point is blocking is cold and anyone has the right to feel miffed about it.

 

Sorry, Poppy. I didn’t read this thoroughly. I’m actually on my way to Chi with someone so I shouldn’t be loveshacking at all () but you know me. Just saw this 

 

 I don’t actually remember the exact scenario but no I think my ex might have blocked me? One of my exes blocked me at one point. I don’t know if miffed maybe annoyed or joking to loveshack, because in any case that I have ever been blocked I understood why. I don’t think it’s cold at all, just a way to stop communication with someone, but I understand some people are more touchy about this so I really wouldn’t do it unless I intended to never talk to the person again which is really the only case you should execute block  anyway, but I get people block /unblock. I clear my block list every year or so and still get  texts from some people lol 

Edited July 31, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

11 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I dont think anyone "owes" anyone anything either, what I do think is we all owe it to ourselves to behave with honesty, thoughtfulness and integrity.

Unless she did something abusive and/or offensive (which she did not), blocking suddenly with no explanation was thoughtless and cold.

She had been a friend after all, regardless of whether HE wanted more or not. 

I'm sure she will get over it, but lack of basic human decency and kindness towards someone who is/was a friend, will come back and bite him in the ass, HE will be the one who ends up paying the price, ultimately.

When we neglect nurturing our own internal core by taking responsibility for our own role in whatever we experience in life, behaving with integrity and treating others with respect and kindness, we might begin to experience depression, anxiety, and lack of confidence.

Anyway, I'm sounding preachy now, so nuff said from me.

Agree to disagree, I'm good with that cookies. 

 

Yes, I just see it as a lot less extreme than you I suppose. He just didn’t want to talk to her anymore and that was a way to do it. Let’s face it, they weren’t friends anyway. Doesn’t need to be a big exit speech 

Edited July 31, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yes, I just Seiyu is a lot less extreme than you I suppose. He just didn’t want to talk to her anymore and that was a way to do it. Let’s face it, they weren’t friends anyway. Doesn’t need to be a big exit speech 

Lol I just modified my last post and deleted half of it, but anyway, no big exit speech required, just a short simple explanation would suffice. 

But hey I get it, blocking, like ghosting, has become quite the norm.

Such is life, again enjoy Chi! 

 

 

Edited July 31, 2021 by poppyfields

[Roland Deschain]

As always, thanks for everyone's input.

For those who seem to think I used the friend option as a means of getting laid, my apologies if I was unclear on this point - I was 100% honest from day 1 that I saw her as girlfriend material.

I did not refer to myself as a friend in order to get more out of her - I saw her as a potential partner and she appeared to view me as the same.

 

Poppyfields - I apologise if I have been unclear - I agree that no one owes anyone anything.

However I owe to it to myself to not settle to be someone's post-breakup emotional support until they find a guy they want - especially given this would be at the expense of my own emotional health and self-esteem.

I told her straight to her face when I bumped into her - "I do not want to be your friend, I hoped you saw me as a potential partner but, given that you don't, I am making the decision to distance myself from you. Of course I will always be civil and there are no bad feelings here. But I would NEVER be satisfied being your "friend". Game over."

Again sorry if I wasn't clear but I feel like I told her in black and white terms 1. How I feel and 2. Why I feel the way I do.

If she doesn't like that or if the contributors to this discussion don't like how I went about it, that's fair enough.

All I can say is that I put my cards on the table and was 110% straight with her.

That's more than most people ever give.

Thanks again to everyone who has given their thoughts here.

 

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, Roland Deschain said:

Poppyfields - I apologise if I have been unclear - I agree that no one owes anyone anything.

However I owe to it to myself to not settle to be someone's post-breakup emotional support until they find a guy they want - especially given this would be at the expense of my own emotional health and self-esteem.

I told her straight to her face when I bumped into her - "I do not want to be your friend, I hoped you saw me as a potential partner but, given that you don't, I am making the decision to distance myself from you. Of course I will always be civil and there are no bad feelings here. But I would NEVER be satisfied being your "friend". Game over."

Again sorry if I wasn't clear but I feel like I told her in black and white terms 1. How I feel and 2. Why I feel the way I do.

If she doesn't like that or if the contributors to this discussion don't like how I went about it, that's fair enough.

All I can say is that I put my cards on the table and was 110% straight with her.

That's more than most people ever give.

 

Ok, thanks for clarifying!  

Bolded, absolutely!!!

And the paragraph after that, perfect response! I had a feeling things had gotten lost in translation, so again thank you for clarifying. 

And with the additional info, changed my opinion; I still dont think she intentionally used you, but yeah you did the right thing.  

Her "lecturing" text was uncalled for, basically a guilt trip.

Apologies for the misunderstanding...

 

 

Edited July 31, 2021 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

20 minutes ago, Roland Deschain said:

As always, thanks for everyone's input.

For those who seem to think I used the friend option as a means of getting laid, my apologies if I was unclear on this point - I was 100% honest from day 1 that I saw her as girlfriend material.

I did not refer to myself as a friend in order to get more out of her - I saw her as a potential partner and she appeared to view me as the same.

 

Poppyfields - I apologise if I have been unclear - I agree that no one owes anyone anything.

However I owe to it to myself to not settle to be someone's post-breakup emotional support until they find a guy they want - especially given this would be at the expense of my own emotional health and self-esteem.

I told her straight to her face when I bumped into her - "I do not want to be your friend, I hoped you saw me as a potential partner but, given that you don't, I am making the decision to distance myself from you. Of course I will always be civil and there are no bad feelings here. But I would NEVER be satisfied being your "friend". Game over."

Again sorry if I wasn't clear but I feel like I told her in black and white terms 1. How I feel and 2. Why I feel the way I do.

If she doesn't like that or if the contributors to this discussion don't like how I went about it, that's fair enough.

All I can say is that I put my cards on the table and was 110% straight with her.

That's more than most people ever give.

Thanks again to everyone who has given their thoughts here.

 

To me, you were way nice to her. Like I don’t even know why some of you guys are so nice, but you are. You do not need to justify it to her or anyone here. You wanted to date her, that was your stipulation for engaging with her, so you don’t want that, you’re perfectly in the ok to me to not want to talk to her again. You’re not the problem, it’s people who think they’re entitled to your communication. Completely messed up she berated you, but like I said, it’s not entirely unexpected . You did the right thing albeit were a little nicer than you probably should have been lol 

Edited July 31, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Roland Deschain]

Weezy - thanks for your input.

There was indeed.

We had regular date nights at least 1 or 2 times each week where she would be wearing lingerie.

I mean, do girls wear lingerie for platonic friends? Unlikely.

I accept I'm probably at a disadvantage here because I'm now 28 and haven't had much success with girls but even I know that referring to facetime as "date nights" and wearing lingerie whilst at the same time being "only friends" is disingenuous in the extreme.

I think I'm right in saying she was binging on the attention and validation (she is 21 and I am 28 - so the attention from an older guy must have given her a kick). 

So to go from that to "I like you as a friend but not as a potential boyfriend" is completely dishonest - I think she conned me here.

Having said that, I'm nearly 30 and should have known better - I fully admit that I was entranced with a hot girl who seemingly was interested in me sexually.

If anything is clear from this, it's that, whilst I'm mature in some ways, my lack of experience with girls is very telling.

Thanks again all

Edited July 31, 2021 by Roland Deschain
1 or 2 typos