Did I get played? - UPDATED

[Roland Deschain]

Hi everyone! 

Hope you're all okay

I'd be really grateful for your input.

I (27 y/o guy) have been talking to a girl (21 y/o) for around 7 to 8 months now.

We spoke as friends and got on well since meeting but she was with someone up until around November last year. 

Since then we have gradually gotten closer and have been having date nights (remotely) during the pandemic. Up until this last week we spoke everyday whether by message or call/facetime.

I am/was really into this girl - we got on really well, made each other laugh, have similar interests and all the rest. Obviously I found her attractive physically too.

I was seriously hoping she saw me as a potential boyfriend, because I 100% saw her as a potential girlfriend.

Here's the crux...

...last week she said she wasn't remotely interested in a relationship but gave me the token gesture "but you're a really great guy and I could see myself with you at some point in the future". 

I was genuinely rocked by this - it has seriously made me think that her fondness for me was all in my head.

I met up with her around 2 weeks ago and just got the feeling she wasn't really that bothered about seeing me. What I mean by this is that I have suggested days out and she always deflected - when I saw her 2 weeks ago it was convenient because our schedules aligned.

I sort of suspect she used me as emotional support whilst she was getting over the breakup (which she initiated) - just to be clear, I was nothing to do with the breakup, I spoke to her before that but it was entirely as friends. 

Let me be clear about another thing - it was her who said she had feelings for me first.

Don't get me wrong, if someone isn't in the headspace for a relationship that is totally fine and I understand that completely.

However, she never told me that until last weekend and honestly, I feel hurt and used and, to be totally honest, I feel stupid too. 

I felt like all the time we spent talking and getting to know each other was actually going to lead to something - I was very open with her and told her things that nobody else knows about me.

But it seems like she just wanted an emotional support to ease through the post-breakup period. I suspect I deluded myself about the situation and wanted to believe she saw something with me.

I've had a good think about the situation this last week and am considering cutting contact with her.

I'd really appreciate your advice here.

Thank you.

 

Edited July 31, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Updated title

[norealusername]

I'd say your thinking is correct. She was using you as support and a friend. When she says, "I can see myself with you in the future", that's total BS. She basically rejected you and is trying to sound nice. Drop her and stop talking to her. Unless you want to continue to be a platonic friend, which I don't think you want.

[d0nnivain]

Cutting contact with her is in your best interests.  She friendzoned you.  Since you want more, walking away is the most dignified option.  I think a slow fade is best but you can just go NC if that is what you want.  Do not make some sort of mean spirited announcement.  If you need to verbalize your departure, try something along the lines of 

I've been thinking about what you said, that you don't see the potential for a relationship with me right now.  I gotta say I'm disappointed but I respect your position.  Please understand I'm not gonna stand here like the boy with his nose pressed against the glass longing for somebody who doesn't return my feelings.  If you ever cared about me in any way, give me my dignity  & understand I can't be your friend.  I don't want bad blood but I need distance from you.  If you change your mind & would like to date me, gimme a call. 

Then stop initiating with her & drag your feet when she reaches out with anything other than Let's go out.  

[ShyViolet]

She made it pretty clear that she's not interested in dating you..... best to cut contact with her.  Continuing to talk to her is pointless and will just make you feel bad.

[Roland Deschain]

D0nnivain and norealusername - thanks for your thoughts.

 

Norealusername - I thought exactly the same, she was probably trying to be gentle about it, she's not malicious - but either way I was still insulted 

D0nnivain - I'll give it some thought, to be honest I'm feeling good distancing myself already - I'll leave a reply a week or so i think, that way the rawness of the situation will have died down a bit 

Thanks again both - really appreciate it

[Roland Deschain]

Shyviolet - thank you

 

you guys have affirmed that I was probably right and have made the right decision 

thanks again

[Sun Seeker]

You made a mistake going down the friends route hoping it would lead to something more serious. In future when you meet someone you are romantically interested in, you need to do the opposite. You make it clear you are interested romantically - not just a shoulder to talk to. That means going on real dates, not virtual. It also means flirting, showing your attraction towards her, and making moves physically. It seems you did none of this.

If she had just broken up with whoever she was seeing when you started talking to her, that was a perfect opportunity to be the guy she has crazy hot sex with to get over her ex. Once you sleep with her, the whole dynamic changes. Then you have a choice of just being her lover, or developing things further, if she feels the same.

Take this experience as a lesson learnt. Next time, be more direct about your romantic intentions right from the start. If she doesn't feel the same then you simply move on. Being 'friends' is a waste of time.

[elaine567]

My guess she never saw you as more than a friend. It was only after you made it clearer that you wanted to meet up, that she had to put a stop to that.
She then had to tell you to back off as she was not interested in a relationship with you. 
Women tend to not really be too pleased when guys play the close friend then flip the script and want to date them.
It is seen as sneaky and underhand.

Next time make it doubly clear you are interested in dating a woman from day one,  if she says no then so be it, it will save a lot of wasted time.
 

Edited May 22, 2021 by elaine567

[dramafreezone]

3 hours ago, Roland Deschain said:

Hi everyone! 

Hope you're all okay

I'd be really grateful for your input.

I (27 y/o guy) have been talking to a girl (21 y/o) for around 7 to 8 months now.

We spoke as friends and got on well since meeting but she was with someone up until around November last year. 

Since then we have gradually gotten closer and have been having date nights (remotely) during the pandemic. Up until this last week we spoke everyday whether by message or call/facetime.

I am/was really into this girl - we got on really well, made each other laugh, have similar interests and all the rest. Obviously I found her attractive physically too.

I was seriously hoping she saw me as a potential boyfriend, because I 100% saw her as a potential girlfriend.

Here's the crux...

...last week she said she wasn't remotely interested in a relationship but gave me the token gesture "but you're a really great guy and I could see myself with you at some point in the future". 

I was genuinely rocked by this - it has seriously made me think that her fondness for me was all in my head.

I met up with her around 2 weeks ago and just got the feeling she wasn't really that bothered about seeing me. What I mean by this is that I have suggested days out and she always deflected - when I saw her 2 weeks ago it was convenient because our schedules aligned.

I sort of suspect she used me as emotional support whilst she was getting over the breakup (which she initiated) - just to be clear, I was nothing to do with the breakup, I spoke to her before that but it was entirely as friends. 

Let me be clear about another thing - it was her who said she had feelings for me first.

Don't get me wrong, if someone isn't in the headspace for a relationship that is totally fine and I understand that completely.

However, she never told me that until last weekend and honestly, I feel hurt and used and, to be totally honest, I feel stupid too. 

I felt like all the time we spent talking and getting to know each other was actually going to lead to something - I was very open with her and told her things that nobody else knows about me.

But it seems like she just wanted an emotional support to ease through the post-breakup period. I suspect I deluded myself about the situation and wanted to believe she saw something with me.

I've had a good think about the situation this last week and am considering cutting contact with her.

I'd really appreciate your advice here.

Thank you.

 

Your instincts are correct.  She is using you for emotional support.

She told you the truth, she's not interested in a relationship.  The second part:
 

Quote

 

"but you're a really great guy and I could see myself with you at some point in the future". 

 

 

 

is an invitation to the friendzone, which is where you've probably been the entire time.  She's only asking you to accept it.

You don't want this, so you have to live your truth, tell her your truth and be prepared to leave this friendship.  You don't have to be angry or indignant about it, but you can't go along with something you don't want.

Edited May 22, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Roland Deschain]

Hi everyone!

Thank you for all your help with this! 

Feeling much better about my current predicament and I'll remember all your wisdom for the future.

:) 

[Kamau]

4 hours ago, Roland Deschain said:

Hi everyone! 

Hope you're all okay

I'd be really grateful for your input.

I (27 y/o guy) have been talking to a girl (21 y/o) for around 7 to 8 months now.

We spoke as friends and got on well since meeting but she was with someone up until around November last year. 

Since then we have gradually gotten closer and have been having date nights (remotely) during the pandemic. Up until this last week we spoke everyday whether by message or call/facetime.

I am/was really into this girl - we got on really well, made each other laugh, have similar interests and all the rest. Obviously I found her attractive physically too.

I was seriously hoping she saw me as a potential boyfriend, because I 100% saw her as a potential girlfriend.

Here's the crux...

...last week she said she wasn't remotely interested in a relationship but gave me the token gesture "but you're a really great guy and I could see myself with you at some point in the future". 

I was genuinely rocked by this - it has seriously made me think that her fondness for me was all in my head.

I met up with her around 2 weeks ago and just got the feeling she wasn't really that bothered about seeing me. What I mean by this is that I have suggested days out and she always deflected - when I saw her 2 weeks ago it was convenient because our schedules aligned.

I sort of suspect she used me as emotional support whilst she was getting over the breakup (which she initiated) - just to be clear, I was nothing to do with the breakup, I spoke to her before that but it was entirely as friends. 

Let me be clear about another thing - it was her who said she had feelings for me first.

Don't get me wrong, if someone isn't in the headspace for a relationship that is totally fine and I understand that completely.

However, she never told me that until last weekend and honestly, I feel hurt and used and, to be totally honest, I feel stupid too. 

I felt like all the time we spent talking and getting to know each other was actually going to lead to something - I was very open with her and told her things that nobody else knows about me.

But it seems like she just wanted an emotional support to ease through the post-breakup period. I suspect I deluded myself about the situation and wanted to believe she saw something with me.

I've had a good think about the situation this last week and am considering cutting contact with her.

I'd really appreciate your advice here.

Thank you.

 

You probably thought she was cute and reacted too clingy, too fast, putting her on a pedestal. She might’ve at first really considered you as a upgrade but somewhere down the line you fukd up, and displayed beta tendencies. Which might’ve turned her off, she probably just wanted you to f*** her first! But you was obviously thinking something serious, after she’d just got out of one. Next time be cool, don’t say anything about relationship until they start asking them questions. Lol but pay attention it won’t be direct. 

[smackie9]

If they can't go out on a date with you after a few messages, and you get tons of excuses, or a maybe later crap...it's all bs to keep the attention on themselves for their own pleasure. So yes you did get played...but you actually did it to yourself. She was clearly monkey branching. Here's a tip: if you want to stay out of the friends zone, stop being a friend. Chatting for months is the kiss of death.

[elaine567]

5 hours ago, Roland Deschain said:

gave me the token gesture "but you're a really great guy and I could see myself with you at some point in the future". 

She is also far too young for you as she is in a different life stage. She can see you as husband/father material but she is nowhere near that, so she has to pass.
I did the same when I was that age, a guy I was dating I could see was great marriage material but at 21 there was no way I was anywhere near settling down so I let him go by saying something similar...

[Roland Deschain]

All I can say is thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply.

I've learned some hard lessons from this.

All I can say is that they needed to be learned.

I've gotten rid of all traces of her from my life and I'm already feeling way better.

Elaine 567 - She was too young for me you're right! I guess I was enamoured with the idea of a hot young woman wanting me - it turned out to be bullshit.

The hurt is already subsiding - thanks to everyone who's taken the time to help me out :) 

[Miss Spider]

Sorry that happened. You seem level-headed about it. Good for you. Glad you removed her: 

 

Had a male acquaintance tell me about a similar situation he had with a girl and it went almost exactly like this except she said I will keep seeing you if you will be my sugar daddy. At least that didn’t happen

 

 

 

Edited May 22, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Roland Deschain]

Cookiesandough - thank you for helping out :)

I have good self-esteem and enough strength of character to refuse to be someone's back-up plan.

If she wants to enjoy the freedom and hook up with various guys then that is her decision - I would never judge anybody for wanting to sow their wild oats.

All I'm saying is, I won't be around after she's done finding herself.

I'm out already.

Said it multiple times now but thanks to everyone - it's helped more than you know :) 

[basil67]

Whether or not she used or played you depends on whether she knew you had romantic feelings for her.  If you'd never confessed them, then it's likely she saw you as a friend.   And it's perfectly OK to talk issues out with a friend.  Especially an older, wiser friend.   

Also, if you'd never expressed romantic interest with her and now ditch her as a friend because she's happy with the status quo, she will rightfully think that you're the one who played her.  She will be mad because she will see that what she thought was a friendship was all fake.

[mark clemson]

Good you posted here, Gunslinger. Probably saved yourself months or more wasted on something that wasn't going to happen, OR, even if it did, would have been little more than a transitory flash-in-the-pan/one weekend type thing. There's probably better for you out there.

[Roland Deschain]

Mark Clemson and Basil67- thanks for your input.

Basil67 - She was the one who admitted feelings for me first, I then said the feelings were reciprocal. I have been totally straight with her that I saw her as girlfriend material.

Just thought I'd clear that point up.

I haven't spoken to her for 4 days now and I'm feeling a lot better about it, I'm not angry and the rawness has subsided.

I got played - it sucks - I'll live, learn and move on - end of...

Mark Clemson- you're totally right! There's way better out there :) 

[basil67]

Thank you for clearing that up @Roland Deschain.  I can't help but wonder why she confessed feelings if she didn't want a relationship with you.  Frankly, I'd call someone out on that behaviour. 

[Roland Deschain]

Basil67 - No problem to be honest, I don't think I'm going to waste my time - thanks to cutting contact and the advice from everyone on here, I'm confident I'm going about it the right way.

Like I've said above, I did genuinely like this girl a lot and saw her as a potential girlfriend and I don't say that lightly.

As soon as I found out I'm a back up option I was out of there.

I'm a nice guy - I'm responsible, caring for family and friends, have a good job and all the rest.

I'm not even going to entertain being a back up option for anybody. 

So I get your point about calling her out and it is tempting, but I really can't be bothered with it.

Thanks

Edited May 23, 2021 by Roland Deschain
Typo with "I"

[Highndry]

On 5/22/2021 at 6:33 AM, Roland Deschain said:

I was very open with her and told her things that nobody else knows about me.

This is a terrible mistake to make with any prospective girlfriend. You jumped ahead a year or more. In fact, a lot of us guys don't really ever even share that sort of stuff with women. I mean no disrespect, but the other poster who said you probably came off as a beta is correct. You were like a puppy dog and she was looking for a full grown male. Less is more early on in a relationship. The phone is simply a tool to line up dates, not talk or text for hours. I understand the pandemic kind of turned things on their head, but until you have bedded a woman and are in an intimate relationship, there really isn't a good reason to be chatting them up like you would a friend.

[Roland Deschain]

Thanks Highndry! 

You're right! 

I've rescued it though and kicked her to the curb - haven't spoken to her for 4 days now and I feel like I've got control of the situation.

Once bitten, twice shy.

I won't make the same mistake again.

[Donnas]

Best is to date around your age.You are closer to 30 .She seems very young and probably not able to give you what you need as a partner.

Live and learn.

[Roland Deschain]

Thanks Donnas!

"Accept humbly: let go easily"

I've already moved on in my head, after another week of no contact I'll be fully over it.

No point wasting time with someone who isn't interested :)