Multiple Breakups With Live-In Girlfriend. Devastated and Lost…

[Love2Love78]

To start, I made a poor decision due to financial reasons and moved in with a girlfriend shortly into the relationship.  We are now about 2.5mos in, so yes, I know it was way too early.  It was mostly due to financial issues and landlord problems on my end.  I needed to move anyway, and between me having to move, having few options due to financial struggles, and her owning a home, she pushed for me to move in with her.  She assured me countless times thing would work here and she would “never give up on us ever.”  Since then, anger issues on her end began to come out more and more that caused multiple “mini-breakups,” where she would break up with me when angry, then 10-20mins later, resolve things with me, telling me how much she loves me, etc.

 

It has been an emotional roller coaster that I knew couldn’t keep going.  I even got her into a session with my psychologist, who indicated things *could* be fixed, but that she needed resources for anger management and more effective communication methods was necessary.  She suggested a few different relationship workbooks, of which we went with “Fighting for Your Marriage” by Markman et al.  But, my psychologist did point out that we had a strong foundation regarding common interests, values, goals, etc., but we just needed to improve our communication.

 

While we didn’t get that far into the book, between that and other things we researched online, things seemed to get better for a while.  However, we were still having issues here and there, and when her anger takes over, all rational thought seems to go out the window.  Time out sometimes works, but sometimes, the hateful things come out before she will respect time outs.  Regardless, the book and our personal efforts seemed to be helping us make progress (at least in my eyes).

 

Last night though, another argument happened.  She got angry because I opened up my Instagram account and scrolled my newsfeed (which I haven’t done in years).  There were a few of those “model wanna-be” types on my following list, so there were a handful of women in revealing outfits.  This set her off, with accusations that I am one of those “cliché sleazy guys who likes women on Instagram with huge t*ts.”  When I cleaned out my “following” list, there were literally 5 that were those model types.  The other 126 were all friends or fan profiles.  While I scrolled right in front of her and as such clearly wasn’t trying to hide anything, this still set her off regardless.  While we had a good day overall with no fights at all, she then told me it was the last straw and ended things once again, all because of 5 profiles on my Instagram that I completely forgot about.

 

I know this time is coinciding with PMS, so some of it might be that, but it’s different.  The next day (today), she is still angry and saying we are over.  She is in that negative state of mind, where she focuses on all the negatives and demonizes me with accusations that aren’t true (too much to get into, but when not angry, she is well aware they’re irrational and untrue).  She has also been really irate with her son, though that has to do with issues with his performance at school.  It does show me though that she is having some issues with the anger in general still today.

 

I’m sure a big question from most is “why bother with this with all these problems so early on?”  It’s because our core values, goals in life, aspirations, etc., are so similar.  It’s because outside of the arguments, neither of us have been so happy with anyone.  But, when the arguments happen, all she sees is the bad parts, even if it was 10 seconds out of an entire week.

 

Considering she is choosing to end things, I don’t have any choice but to respect that and find somewhere to move to.  But, I really don’t want to leave without at least trying something here.  I did talk with her some earlier today about what issues she feels is here.  Ultimately, her argument is that she is not happy with how things are (the arguments) and doesn’t see a way to get over it, which the counselor already told her is going to take a while to work through.  We were expecting hiccups in the process of improving our communication, but it seems like with her, she expects an immediate fix or to throw it away. 

 

I am looking for a new place and preparing to move on like she wants, but with how much things had started to improve when we read the book, I really want to at least do something before I leave to try to keep from losing this.  I don’t know what to do?  I tried to talk to her earlier today for a bit, we discussed things for about 20mins, then I backed off when she made it clear her choice was still to end it.  I know flowers won’t cut it, I get them for her all the time.  A love note most likely wouldn’t either.  I reiterate time and time again how much I love her, the reasons why, what makes our love so unique, etc., but it isn’t enough.  It has to be something that shows her how much the good outweighs the bad. 

 

I know very well she may have her mind made up to the point this time where it is done.  But, so many times she said it was over, all to come back to me and say how she “can’t walk away from us,” it’s just hard for me to accept that this time, it’s truly done.  And most importantly, I feel like with the progress we had made with even just 30 pages or so of the book, we *can* fix this, it just needs more time and more working on the book and applying what we learn.  We were both even taking notes, discussing the topics, and realizing how we could improve our communication in a number of ways.

 

I can’t in good conscience walk away without doing something.  Something that shows I respect her wish to end the relationship and am not pushing for her to “take me back,” but at the same time, something that shows the good side of what she is giving up here.  If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.  And yes, I know everything I did wrong here with moving in too fast, staying with someone with anger issues, etc.  I feel the good significantly outweighs the bad, and we were working on fixing the bad.  I just feel she gave up prematurely because she feels overwhelmed and that it’s hopeless.  I would just really appreciate any suggestions on what I could try that respects what she wants, but does give it one last shot on my end.  I just want to do one last thing for her before moving out to try one last time.  If it doesn't work, at least I know I tried.  Please, keep this focused on that, as I already know I screwed up with moving in too fast, letting it move too fast, etc., and I'm already beating myself up plenty enough over that.  I ask to please keep this thread focused on any constructive suggestions on what I might try to make her rethink splitting up.  I believe in her and I too much to just let go without one last try.

[d0nnivain]

You have only been dating for 2.5 months.  It was way too soon to live together.  She just sounds like an unstable mess.  I don't understand why you are trying so hard to show her what she's missing.  Why not take a long realistic look at what you are fighting for.  She is no prize.  

[Miss Spider]

 

”I feel she gave up prematurely” You  have been dating a couple months, she’s already dumped several times? What more sign do you need that this isn’t working and you should just move out and find a healthy relationship ... Why cling so hard? I guess you’re going to stick this out while she continues to show her indifference /annoyance by treating you like crap, go through the roller coaster  for several more months and then be at the breakup forum acting  all devastated and surprised that broke up with you once and for all after you’ve been through sooo much. I don’t get people -_-

Edited May 21, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Sun Seeker]

It's not as complicated as you put it. You two are not compatible, it's that simple.

Constant arguing after only 2.5 months... Is not going to lead to a happy long term relationship for either of you.

If you want to do 'something' then the best thing would be to accept its over, move out and find someone with whom mini breakups do not happen. Ever.

Edited May 21, 2021 by Punterxx

[ExpatInItaly]

Stop making excuses for yourself to stay in this miserable relationship, OP. Your core values aren't as similar as you want to believe, or you'd value the relationship the same way. You wouldn't be breaking up all the time. 

When you're hanging your relationship success on reading a book, my guy, you need to get out. You two have no solid foundation here and reading pages of a book isn't going to fix it. This relationship is toast, OP. 

 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Love2Love78 said:

. We are now about 2.5mos in,  mostly due to financial issues and landlord problems 

Unfortunately, horrible reason to move in. She's not a homeless shelter. 

This is obviously way too much way too soon, driven by what you thought would be an expedient solution to your financial and housing problems.

Talk to friends and family, see if you can stay there until you get yourself together.

Get out of her house ASAP. This is going to implode badly.

Get yourself to social services for assistance with housing, food, employment, medical and mental health care.

 

[Maldives]

Go silent. The more you try the more she thinks she has you on a hook and thinks she can pick this up anytime and you will come running back. Go radio silent. That will let her have time to think and miss you. Question is are you really sure you wanna deal with her anger issues? 

Edited May 22, 2021 by Goodguy05

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Goodguy05 said:

Go silent. 

He needs to move out first.

[Maldives]

27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He needs to move out first.

Lol true that

[ShyViolet]

You made a poor decision in moving in with her... you were able to admit that.  But now what you're not recognizing is that you are continuing to make poor decisions.  When a relationship has this many problems, is this toxic, you end it.  She may be unstable and difficult to get along with, but at least she is making a responsible decision here in breaking up with you and ending this relationship.  You need to be a responsible adult and walk away.  She said it's over;  LISTEN to her.  She's right.

[mark clemson]

Toxic and emotionally unstable. Just the kind of person you DON'T want to be in love with. She's doing you a big favor here by breaking up with you (although I suspect she'll be "reeling you back in" before too long).

Throw this one back.

[smackie9]

OK so you had to move in....move out! you've had 2 1/2 months to get your crap together. Now you have discovered she's bat S&*^ cray cray. She keeps making this about "us" having issues, when it's been her all along. I suspect this is scaring you, and giving you sleepless nights of the possibility of her smoothing you with a pillow. Keep your mouth shut, nod your head, and get the f out of there.

[balletomane]

OP, you were posting about problems with this woman back in March...less than two weeks after ending another intense, unstable relationship. With that relationship, you were hurt that the woman didn't want to move as fast as you did, and you misled posters into thinking that you'd been together for five months when actually it was only two.

I'm restating this because I think it's important to be honest with yourself. Your history shows that you have a habit of getting rapidly overinvolved with your dates, and then trying to rationalise poor decision-making/blame it on your girlfriends' instability. Many people struggle financially at some point in their lives. They move in with friends or relatives or become a lodger in someone else's house if they can't afford to rent their own place. They don't rush into cohabiting with a new date, especially if kids are involved. You need to start taking full responsibility for these choices and not keep justifying them, otherwise you'll end up making the same mistakes over and over again.

I also think you have a tendency to twist what people say into what you want to hear. It's not a psychologist's job to tell people what to do, and even if yours works in a more prescriptive way than normal, I really struggle to believe they would be declaring you and this woman to have "shared values" and saying that all you need is to improve communication, based on...what? One single session with this woman whom you barely know yourself, and whom you got together with straight after another impulsive relationship? Either you held info back from the psychologist in the same way you did here at first, she's working way beyond her qualifications/competence, or you heard what you wanted to hear. You need to focus on yourself right now.

[introverted1]

19 hours ago, balletomane said:

I'm restating this because I think it's important to be honest with yourself. Your history shows that you have a habit of getting rapidly overinvolved with your dates, and then trying to rationalise poor decision-making/blame it on your girlfriends' instability.

OP, you are the common denominator in all the failed situationships you post about.  Either you are picking unstable women, or you are misrepresenting what they are actually like, or something in your behavior is triggering them.  Most likely, it is a combination of all three.

Move out.  Get therapy.  Don't date until you understand how your behaviors are leading to these outcomes.

Good luck.