HopefullyLove Posted May 20, 2021 Posted May 20, 2021 Good evening, I hope you all are thriving and are well. I posted a few months about this guy I was seeing and how he got mad at me for letting him know he dominates conversations, a few of you mentioned he seems like a narcissist and I did further research and he is....Anyway, he stopped contacting me out of the blue, now my rational self knows this is good because he is toxic, so I did not reach out for "closure". I spent some time thinking what did I do, but I read more and understood this guy is not well....I asked him if he was married, he told me no, based on the time we spent together, it wasn't all in person, mainly via phone, we interacted almost a year, he just abruptly ended communication with me. I just assume it was because I told him he dominates the conversation......I took that as a direct hit, to hurt me because how do you go from constant communication to abruptly nothing?? odd right? Well, perhaps I am a glutton for punishment, but I check the social media and see him kissing a woman, the woman is the wife he told me he divorced because she hurt him and he couldn't get past it....so now I am like is this why you ghosted me? I felt so hurt and triggered, I thought about contacting her and letting her know how her husband behaves online, he uses YouTube to meet women. This hurts because I feel so dumb to get treated like this, I don't think it would be wise to contact her, there is no way she can't know how he behaves because he is just so....so ugh, so do you all have tips for me to make peace with this, I am not sure why this bothers me so, I certainly never wanted to be entangled with someone married, but how he used his tragedy to manipulate me to feel sorry for him just to do this? I feel just defeated at times. Any words of wisdom for me? Thank you
dramafreezone Posted May 20, 2021 Posted May 20, 2021 1 hour ago, HopefullyLove said: Good evening, I hope you all are thriving and are well. I posted a few months about this guy I was seeing and how he got mad at me for letting him know he dominates conversations, a few of you mentioned he seems like a narcissist and I did further research and he is....Anyway, he stopped contacting me out of the blue, now my rational self knows this is good because he is toxic, so I did not reach out for "closure". I spent some time thinking what did I do, but I read more and understood this guy is not well....I asked him if he was married, he told me no, based on the time we spent together, it wasn't all in person, mainly via phone, we interacted almost a year, he just abruptly ended communication with me. I just assume it was because I told him he dominates the conversation......I took that as a direct hit, to hurt me because how do you go from constant communication to abruptly nothing?? odd right? Well, perhaps I am a glutton for punishment, but I check the social media and see him kissing a woman, the woman is the wife he told me he divorced because she hurt him and he couldn't get past it....so now I am like is this why you ghosted me? I felt so hurt and triggered, I thought about contacting her and letting her know how her husband behaves online, he uses YouTube to meet women. This hurts because I feel so dumb to get treated like this, I don't think it would be wise to contact her, there is no way she can't know how he behaves because he is just so....so ugh, so do you all have tips for me to make peace with this, I am not sure why this bothers me so, I certainly never wanted to be entangled with someone married, but how he used his tragedy to manipulate me to feel sorry for him just to do this? I feel just defeated at times. Any words of wisdom for me? Thank you Yes, move on. You've been hurt, so you think getitng some kind of revenge on him will make you feel better. It won't. Only thing that will bring you solace is healing over time, meeting new men. The longer you draw this out with him, the more this pain will linger. Nothing good will come from any continued interaction with him or his family. 2
Wiseman2 Posted May 20, 2021 Posted May 20, 2021 Sorry this happened. Have you ever heard the saying: "all poodles are dogs but not all dogs are poodles"? Well it's similar. Not all narcissists are exes but all exes are narcissists. That's ok. If labeling him helps you to wrap your head around the mess, that's fine. However. Decide how much headspace you are going to give this and how much time, energy, thoughts, reading, etc you are going to allow this to use up. Best thing you can do is forget the DSM and simply put him in the jackass pile. Being a jerk is not a mental illness. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee. 3
flitzanu Posted May 20, 2021 Posted May 20, 2021 11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this happened. Have you ever heard the saying: "all poodles are dogs but not all dogs are poodles"? Well it's similar. Not all narcissists are exes but all exes are narcissists. That's ok. If labeling him helps you to wrap your head around the mess, that's fine. i love this, wiseman. LOVE this. 1 1
Calmandfocused Posted May 20, 2021 Posted May 20, 2021 (edited) You’re doing the wrong thing by checking his social media. If he is indeed a narcissist he will be getting off on your anguish. He will know you’re checking him out - this will feed his ego and you will (albeit unintentionally) still be giving him narcissistic supply. Block him immediately So he lied. That’s what narcissists do. He lied about how he felt about his wife? Well guess what? He lied how he felt about you too. Feel how you feel but do not, under any circumstances direct these feelings towards him. At the moment you are shelved but you’d do well to prepare yourself for the Hoover. Again this is what narcissists do. Keep checking his social media and you will do so at your own peril. Edited May 20, 2021 by Calmandfocused 1
smackie9 Posted May 20, 2021 Posted May 20, 2021 This is what narcissists leave in their wake...a bunch of confused souls. They do not understand empathy, or thinks the way we do, that's why it's so hard to comprehend why they act the way they do. Just understand, this wasn't you, what you said, what you did, they are who they are with or with out you. So stop fretting. Do nice things for yourself, and believe in your self worth. Move on confidently. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 20, 2021 Posted May 20, 2021 17 hours ago, HopefullyLove said: I check the social media and see him kissing a woman, the woman is the wife he told me he divorced because she hurt him and he couldn't get past it....so now I am like is this why you ghosted me? To be fair, he might not have been totally dishonest about their past. People break up and get back together. Could be what happened here. I would not contact her. You don't really know their backstory, and it will keep you emotionally engaged when what you really need is to let go. In any case, listen to your gut next time. Something wasn't sitting right with you about this guy. Now you can know you can trust that little voice in your head telling you to be careful. 1
mark clemson Posted May 20, 2021 Posted May 20, 2021 17 hours ago, HopefullyLove said: I check the social media and see him kissing a woman, the woman is the wife he told me he divorced because she hurt him and he couldn't get past it....so now I am like is this why you ghosted me? I felt so hurt and triggered, I thought about contacting her and letting her know how her husband behaves online, he uses YouTube to meet women. It's a little unclear from your story whether he was married or had separated but is now reconciling with his wife. Possibly he was cheating, possibly he was in the "grey zone" where you are planning to separate. I'm not saying to give him the benefit of a doubt, just that it's not fully clear from your story. There are those in the dating world who are with you only until "the one that got away" is back in their life, at which point they drop you instantly no matter your good or bad qualities. In terms of telling her, there are those who feel a moral imperative to tell the spouse, those who feel a moral imperative to "not interfere," and those who are, essentially, seeking revenge. I'd say figure out which category you are in and then do "what you'll be able to live with" when you look back on this in a year or two. If this guy is truly a narcissist having him back in her life is NOT a positive for her, regardless of the situation. In terms of letting him go A) you have no choice in the matter and B) yes, clearly you definitely DON'T want a narcissist in your life. Recognize THAT (fully) and you'll be content knowing that you are better off without him, regardless of what else you do. 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 20, 2021 Posted May 20, 2021 17 hours ago, HopefullyLove said: I feel just defeated at times. Any words of wisdom for me? Wait....is this the guy? You dodged a bullet. What a bozo this guy is. 1
Author HopefullyLove Posted May 20, 2021 Author Posted May 20, 2021 13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this happened. Have you ever heard the saying: "all poodles are dogs but not all dogs are poodles"? Well it's similar. Not all narcissists are exes but all exes are narcissists. That's ok. If labeling him helps you to wrap your head around the mess, that's fine. However. Decide how much headspace you are going to give this and how much time, energy, thoughts, reading, etc you are going to allow this to use up. Best thing you can do is forget the DSM and simply put him in the jackass pile. Being a jerk is not a mental illness. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee. lol that is fair, he is truly a jackass. I will block him. Thank you
Author HopefullyLove Posted May 20, 2021 Author Posted May 20, 2021 47 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Wait....is this the guy? You dodged a bullet. What a bozo this guy is. Yes that is him, he is a bozo indeed. I did dodge a bullet, he was a lot lol. I laugh but gees, I got triggered and it is my fault since I shouldn't have been looking.
Author HopefullyLove Posted May 20, 2021 Author Posted May 20, 2021 1 hour ago, mark clemson said: It's a little unclear from your story whether he was married or had separated but is now reconciling with his wife. Possibly he was cheating, possibly he was in the "grey zone" where you are planning to separate. I'm not saying to give him the benefit of a doubt, just that it's not fully clear from your story. There are those in the dating world who are with you only until "the one that got away" is back in their life, at which point they drop you instantly no matter your good or bad qualities. In terms of telling her, there are those who feel a moral imperative to tell the spouse, those who feel a moral imperative to "not interfere," and those who are, essentially, seeking revenge. I'd say figure out which category you are in and then do "what you'll be able to live with" when you look back on this in a year or two. If this guy is truly a narcissist having him back in her life is NOT a positive for her, regardless of the situation. In terms of letting him go A) you have no choice in the matter and B) yes, clearly you definitely DON'T want a narcissist in your life. Recognize THAT (fully) and you'll be content knowing that you are better off without him, regardless of what else you do. It is not clear to me either, he told me emphatically he was not married and I thought his actions supported that, maybe I missed something ,or maybe they got back together, maybe that is why he ghosted me, I like knowing why, I know I will never get the why, so I will move on. I am not going to contact her, I was letting my emotions get the best of me. 1
Author HopefullyLove Posted May 20, 2021 Author Posted May 20, 2021 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: To be fair, he might not have been totally dishonest about their past. People break up and get back together. Could be what happened here. I would not contact her. You don't really know their backstory, and it will keep you emotionally engaged when what you really need is to let go. In any case, listen to your gut next time. Something wasn't sitting right with you about this guy. Now you can know you can trust that little voice in your head telling you to be careful. That is a good point, thank you, I did not trust my gut and I should have. My gut was right, thanks this is really helpful. I will not contact her.
Author HopefullyLove Posted May 20, 2021 Author Posted May 20, 2021 1 hour ago, smackie9 said: This is what narcissists leave in their wake...a bunch of confused souls. They do not understand empathy, or thinks the way we do, that's why it's so hard to comprehend why they act the way they do. Just understand, this wasn't you, what you said, what you did, they are who they are with or with out you. So stop fretting. Do nice things for yourself, and believe in your self worth. Move on confidently. Thank you...I am the type to want to know why, so that has been bothering me, I am moving on in confidence, I have been through many trials and overcame them, I just got triggered and let my emotions get me riled up.
Author HopefullyLove Posted May 20, 2021 Author Posted May 20, 2021 1 hour ago, Calmandfocused said: You’re doing the wrong thing by checking his social media. If he is indeed a narcissist he will be getting off on your anguish. He will know you’re checking him out - this will feed his ego and you will (albeit unintentionally) still be giving him narcissistic supply. Block him immediately So he lied. That’s what narcissists do. He lied about how he felt about his wife? Well guess what? He lied how he felt about you too. Feel how you feel but do not, under any circumstances direct these feelings towards him. At the moment you are shelved but you’d do well to prepare yourself for the Hoover. Again this is what narcissists do. Keep checking his social media and you will do so at your own peril. He is definitely a narcissist, I did not have the words to describe his behavior, I researched it after a contributor here mentioned he sounds pathologically narcissistic, he met the criteria almost to a T. I will stop checking, I just got myself so upset and I have been managing well.
Author HopefullyLove Posted May 20, 2021 Author Posted May 20, 2021 16 hours ago, dramafreezone said: Yes, move on. You've been hurt, so you think getitng some kind of revenge on him will make you feel better. It won't. Only thing that will bring you solace is healing over time, meeting new men. The longer you draw this out with him, the more this pain will linger. Nothing good will come from any continued interaction with him or his family. Thank you, he makes me so mad I want to f him up lol, but I will move on with life with dignity, he did not break me, I know the truth about him.
dramafreezone Posted May 20, 2021 Posted May 20, 2021 47 minutes ago, HopefullyLove said: He is definitely a narcissist, I did not have the words to describe his behavior, I researched it after a contributor here mentioned he sounds pathologically narcissistic, he met the criteria almost to a T. I will stop checking, I just got myself so upset and I have been managing well. Well, ultimately it's up to professionals to make determinations on if someone has a recognized personality disorder such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If this person really does have NPD you don't want to get down in the mud with him. The real deal people with NPD are not that common at all. I've worked with one many years ago, and based on my experience they can go to great lengths to exact revenge on people that have wronged them in their eyes, and leave nothing but misery all around them. They don't have boundaries because they have a disorder. Continuing to interact with them is like chasing a tornado, does that sound like a good idea? 2 1
Author HopefullyLove Posted May 20, 2021 Author Posted May 20, 2021 1 hour ago, dramafreezone said: Well, ultimately it's up to professionals to make determinations on if someone has a recognized personality disorder such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If this person really does have NPD you don't want to get down in the mud with him. The real deal people with NPD are not that common at all. I've worked with one many years ago, and based on my experience they can go to great lengths to exact revenge on people that have wronged them in their eyes, and leave nothing but misery all around them. They don't have boundaries because they have a disorder. Continuing to interact with them is like chasing a tornado, does that sound like a good idea? Yes I know they need a formal diagnosis. This guy has gotten someone fired from his job, he tried to get someone else fired, he has gotten lawsuits from his workplace by lying he is hell on wheels so I am done. I was allowing my feelings to control me. He is chaotic and only has one friend and that is because he behaves like a flunky. I’m done. Thank you.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 21, 2021 Posted May 21, 2021 10 hours ago, HopefullyLove said: This guy has gotten someone fired from his job, he tried to get someone else fired, he has gotten lawsuits from his workplace by lying he is hell on wheels so I am done. I was allowing my feelings to control me Given all of this, I would be asking yourself why you even continued communicating with this man. It would be wise to reflect on your standards, HopefullyLove. I would dropped this weirdo like a hot potato the moment I learned about all of the above. Why didn't you? 1
elaine567 Posted May 21, 2021 Posted May 21, 2021 7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Given all of this, I would be asking yourself why you even continued communicating with this man. It would be wise to reflect on your standards, HopefullyLove. I would dropped this weirdo like a hot potato the moment I learned about all of the above. Why didn't you? I think it is easy to get caught up in the dysfunction, especially if there is a very rational and reasonable case made for acting the way he does. Dysfunctional people can be very clever and manipulative, they can persuade and cajole perfectly normal people into accepting a view of the world that is skewed and twisted. "Love" is often their accomplice, "love" can make fools out of even the most sane of us. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 21, 2021 Posted May 21, 2021 (edited) 18 minutes ago, elaine567 said: I think it is easy to get caught up in the dysfunction, especially if there is a very rational and reasonable case made for acting the way he does. Dysfunctional people can be very clever and manipulative, they can persuade and cajole perfectly normal people into accepting a view of the world that is skewed and twisted. "Love" is often their accomplice, "love" can make fools out of even the most sane of us. Yes, of course. I would like hear from OP herself what attracted her to him. Edited May 21, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 21, 2021 Posted May 21, 2021 When people are in a bad place,they make bad decisions. Dating him was one of those. Instead of playing armchair psychiatrist, and googling "narcissist" all day, relax, regroup, reflect. Do some personal inventory so you can understand why you stayed when so many red flags were there all along. 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted May 21, 2021 Posted May 21, 2021 On 5/19/2021 at 9:11 PM, HopefullyLove said: Good evening, I hope you all are thriving and are well. I posted a few months about this guy I was seeing and how he got mad at me for letting him know he dominates conversations, a few of you mentioned he seems like a narcissist and I did further research and he is....Anyway, he stopped contacting me out of the blue, now my rational self knows this is good because he is toxic, so I did not reach out for "closure". I spent some time thinking what did I do, but I read more and understood this guy is not well....I asked him if he was married, he told me no, based on the time we spent together, it wasn't all in person, mainly via phone, we interacted almost a year, he just abruptly ended communication with me. I just assume it was because I told him he dominates the conversation......I took that as a direct hit, to hurt me because how do you go from constant communication to abruptly nothing?? odd right? Well, perhaps I am a glutton for punishment, but I check the social media and see him kissing a woman, the woman is the wife he told me he divorced because she hurt him and he couldn't get past it....so now I am like is this why you ghosted me? I felt so hurt and triggered, I thought about contacting her and letting her know how her husband behaves online, he uses YouTube to meet women. This hurts because I feel so dumb to get treated like this, I don't think it would be wise to contact her, there is no way she can't know how he behaves because he is just so....so ugh, so do you all have tips for me to make peace with this, I am not sure why this bothers me so, I certainly never wanted to be entangled with someone married, but how he used his tragedy to manipulate me to feel sorry for him just to do this? I feel just defeated at times. Any words of wisdom for me? Thank you Had you ever been to his house? Trying to understand how he managed to hide a wife. 1
Author HopefullyLove Posted May 21, 2021 Author Posted May 21, 2021 6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: When people are in a bad place,they make bad decisions. Dating him was one of those. Instead of playing armchair psychiatrist, and googling "narcissist" all day, relax, regroup, reflect. Do some personal inventory so you can understand why you stayed when so many red flags were there all along. lol I have been reflecting because I do desire a healthy connection, I want to be a healthy person as well. I know I was a good person to him. have discovered I have an issue with boundaries, so I have been working with a therapist on how to assert boundaries and honor what I need and want, because he didn't meet my needs, also I was wearing rose colored glasses, making excuses because he was "watching his mom die" when life's tragedies are no excuse for poor treatment of others.
Author HopefullyLove Posted May 21, 2021 Author Posted May 21, 2021 2 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: Had you ever been to his house? Trying to understand how he managed to hide a wife. No I haven't.
Recommended Posts