Sticky relationship introduction (Advice please)

[Mazure]

Okay, after a lot of dating this year, I met someone who really caught my attention and I feel absolutely fits my life to a tee. Unfortunately, the first part of our relationship was full of deceit and shady behavoir on her part... That said, I'd like to outline what happened, and ask you if this is a salvagable relationship. We're at six months now, and I love her very much - but there is a trust issue underlying everything.

 

I was 27 she was 24.

 

I met her in April, we hit it off - things went great for a couple months. In June, while she was away, I went snooping through her laptop. What I found, was emails outlining her relationship with her boss, the president of a very large multinational company - she's his secretary, and he's married with many children. From the emails, they had been seeing each other for the past year, and as far as I could tell, things were still in full swing. In fact, they discussed how things were going with me on a regular basis. Oh, I didnt mention it, but she had told me that she had not been seeing _anyone_ for the past year.

 

So, she came home that night, and I told her I couldnt see her anymore. She said that she knew that was coming, didnt even ask why. I asked why she knew, she replied that I was too good to be true, and she knew it had to end eventually. I told her I knew she was sleeping with someone else - she flatly denied it. I told her it was her boss - she said I was crazy. I told her I read the emails - she said nothing, then that she stopped sleeping with him after we had our exclusivity talk and that they just continued with intimate emails. Well, they actually met for dinner many times after the 'talk', but she claims there was never sex. Even if in the emails they said they were meeting for sex, she flatly states she was just playing along, habit, and that she never was intimate after our exclusivity talk. Hell, even the weekend that I found the email, he text'd her a picture of his johnson.

 

 

I reaaallly like her, she was distraught, I was distraught. I told her we could try to do this and move past the incident. I could almost see it from her point of view, I could almost rationalize it how she must have.

 

So, she's either lying, or she's not. I think I know her pretty well - I know she has low self esteem. I know this guy made her feel like she was the center of the world - took her travelling when he went on trips and such (although she had to 'hide' in hotel rooms so she didnt get caught by company patrons). Its been 4 months since I found all of this out. I love her, I think she's being honest with me, now. But I dont know, and that eats at me some times. She still works for this guy, so she sees him on a daily basis - she handles his PR at all the events and such. So I have to be okay with that.

 

This guy, now I've talked to him, and he's just a flat out sleeze ball, lying at every opportunity with huge "I'm the King" smile on his face. He said he was sorry, and that if I had read the emails, I'd see their relationship was ending and he was encouraging her to go to me... Barf. 2 weeks before I found the emails I had a birthday party, she took me to a nice restaurant, it was lovely - granted, that week she had a scheduled sex-session with him the night after my birthday... She wasnt with me that night. Said she had to work late. Claims now that she was only going to meet him for dinner, but he had to cancel at the last minute. When I asked him whether he had dinner only or sex as well that night, he said he couldnt remember if they had sex or not (I know, tricked him into saying that he met her, she said they didnt meet), granted he is older and his memory might be going, 57

 

I'm really offended by the situation, and I have trust issues that come up every couple weeks it seems. But can I move past that? Should I? Should I believe her? It seems like I've done the situation an injustice by summing it up so briefly.

 

Re-reading all that I just wrote, that is a very ugly situation. And from it I've done ugly things. I've continued spying on her activities from time to time... I dont like that I've done that. But from doing it, I can say, it seems like everything is now finished and she was telling the truth... As far as the two of them have said - granted, they were practicing deceit for the last year.

 

I know its easy to say - dump her, start over, its not healthy. Sometimes the best road isnt an easy road. I have everything in common with her that I havent had before. She makes me feel good, and I make her feel good. I'm in love with her, but this, this thing still hangs over my head at times. Can I make it go away, or will it just take time, or should I just cash out.

 

Thank you for any insight any of you have to offer.

 

-Mazure

[Sheba]

Other than the fact you read her e-mails (what possessed you to do that?) you seem like a nice guy. There are many nice young women out there, who are not f*cking their married boss, who would be happy to meet you. This girl sounds very troubled to me, to have maintained this relationship which is, by its very nature, derogatory to her.

 

I regret to say I think you are a fool if you imagine she is not meeting him for sex because she says she is not. She has been practising an elaborate deceit on her co-workers and patrons and his wife for a year now - do you really think she is not capable of lying to you?

 

This girl would like to have your attention and his. How nice for her and for him - less nice for you and the wife, I would say! They are a very selfish pair. Leave them to themselves. You can find a girl who is able to commit herself to you. You deserve it.

[tanbark813]

Man, I can totally relate to your situation. The girl who motivated me to first find this site sounds a lot like your current gf. In short, her excuses are all lies. Her emails and secrets from you reveal who she really is. You basically have two choices now:

 

1. Cut your losses now and find someone else.

2. Stay with this girl and subject yourself to more of the same pain.

 

The dark beauty of the situation is that in a way it's win-win. If you go with #1 then you're on your way to healing and finding a better girl. If you go with #2 then you'll learn your lesson the hard way, learn a lot of things about yourself, and develop some emotional wisdom and shielding due to the whole situation.

 

I know you're hoping that she'll change, she really loves you, her excuses are genuine, you guys can work it out, etc.. It's all bs. Leopards don't change their spots.

[augur]

sheba and tanbark seems to have hit it on the head and the

only thing I would add would be to ask you if you truely think

you can get past the trust issues with this woman.

[flowergirl]

Mazure:

 

Are you crazy?!! Sorry, lack of sleep, bad mood. But seriously, what you're describing in your post is abuse, plain and simple and good people such as yourself shouldn't let anyone suck them in. I call people like this emotional vampires. Run from this girl.

[Mazure]

Sheba: as to what possessed me to read her emails... I dont know, odd behavoir on her part - not answering certain cell phone calls in my presence, quickly closing the laptop when I came within viewing distance, needing to face me so I cant see her phone when texts arrive. I had a suspicion something might be up - figured I'd find out and get it over with. Bad bad move on my part, but on the other hand - now I know? Although, I dont know if I'm going to act on it as I thought I would. If anything I thought she was just dating someone else, I had no idea that I might find what I did.

 

tanbark813: Thank you for your sympathy and advice. This feels like a tough situation. From a third party's position, it probably does look simple, hell it probably is simple. It just doesnt feel that way. You're right, no matter what, I am going to receive an important lesson one way or the other. I have to believe anything is possible though, I'm forever the optimist.

 

Augur: I think I can forget, not neccessarilly get past. Hopefully those first two months may just fade away. Again, crazy optimist.

 

flowergirl: Yes, crazy. Like anyone else would say, I dont think she's typical of this type of person. Its easy to generalize people, I know, but she to me seems an exceptional person/background thats been put through unique circumstances. Or I'm deluding myself, which is entirely likely.

 

Thank you all for your advice, although admittedly, I had hoped someone would have thrown me a hint of hope - but I guess that why I like these forums - brutal honesty.

 

Thank you,

 

Mazure

[augur]

"Hope for the best/expect the worse"

 

For myself, I have found going too close to either

polar oposite (optimism/pessimism) tends to compound

my problems.

 

That works for me - results may vary

[tanbark813]

I know it doesn't seem simple right now when you're in the midst of it with your emotions running high, but I have a feeling that eventually--6 months, a year, whenever--you'll look back on this point in your life and realize that it was simpler than you thought.

[Mazure]

I've had a couple sticky relationships in the past, where unlike this time, I was an emotional basket case (yeah, I'll admit that). And in hindsight, it really wasnt a big deal - I can see that with this woman now.

 

I think she's great. I think she screwed up, big time. But lots of people screw up. And just because you fall once, does that mean you dont deserve a shot at happiness in life? Or just not a shot with me? Why? She doesnt seem like a repeat offender, of course that is just how she seems which is filtered through my perception that is skewed by my alleged love

 

I'll give this some more thought over the coming months, I dont like to act rashly.

 

People are interesting, to say the least, in what they will do and how they will rationalize it.

[tanbark813]

People do, of course, deserve a shot at happiness in life. The problem is that when you give people second chances, more often than not they take advantage of those chances. Letting her off the hook too easily will also make you look weak and lets her know what she can get away with. It sucks because it's kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.

[alphamale]

People do, of course, deserve a shot at happiness in life. The problem is that when you give people second chances, more often than not they take advantage of those chances. Letting her off the hook too easily will also make you look weak and lets her know what she can get away with.

Ahhh....I see that you have learned your lessons well, young Jedi

[tanbark813]

Ahhh....I see that you have learned your lessons well, young Jedi

 

It took me a long time but I think it finally sunk in.