Guy doesn't make concrete plans to meet!

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

 he told me he used to attract co dependent and manipulative women in his past and that he did major inner work to let go of that.

He needs to pay a therapist for that type of drivel.

This is not deep or interesting conversation. It's timewasters.

[Emilyinroses]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He needs to pay a therapist for that type of drivel.

This is not deep or interesting conversation. It's timewasters.

Maybe he did therapy, don't know. I think that would be something to say later on after many dates, when (and if) we would get deeper into things. Not something to say as soon as you meet someone new, makes you feel like that is still very present in his mind. 

Also, he said he used to live in a mansion, with lots of cars and motorbikes and a lavish lifestyle, and that he was unhappy and seeking validation through all those things, and he decided to throw it all away and live a more simple and humble life.

I don't know if that's true or not, but I feel it's also too much info too soon!

Anyway, I have deleted him and am moving on.

Edited May 20, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Wiseman2]

Why are you going on and on about him if you have already decided it's not going to happen?

Just start talking to and meeting other men.

Edited May 20, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Emilyinroses]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why are you going on and on about him if you have already decided it's not going to happen?

Just start talking to and meeting other men.

I was just responding to your post.

I am already talking to to other men.

Edited May 20, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, Emilyinroses said:

Agree. I like to text 2/3 days maximum before meeting up.

As soon as I am interested and curious about the person I realized I reached the point of wanting to meet. That’s what happened with this guy.

And by ignoring me saying I want to meet too, he killed the interest.

My thoughts are he is on there for chat[read:emotional support]/validation he’s still got it.. Think about he, he fires up tinder, matches women, talks to them, but only when he asks for a date and they accept does he know  he’s got it in the bag pretty much. Maybe this is a good ego fix for him and he doesn’t need to meet just yet.. perhaps he doesn’t because he’s got a wife/gf that he views as a “codependent and manipulative” woman and he plays around on tinder for an escape or he’s too emotionally scarred from a break up with a “codependent and manipulative woman” to meet people. Just different theories I’m throwing Out... not that it matters anyway 

Edited May 20, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Emilyinroses]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

My thoughts are he is on there for chat[read:emotional support]/validation he’s still got it.. Think about he, he fires up tinder, matches women, talks to them, but only when he asks for a date and they accept does he know  he’s got it in the bag pretty much. Maybe this is a good ego fix for him and he doesn’t need to meet just yet.. perhaps he doesn’t because he’s got a wife/gf that he views as a “codependent and manipulative” woman and he plays around on tinder for an escape or he’s too emotionally scarred from a break up with a “codependent and manipulative woman” to meet people. Just different theories I’m throwing Out... not that it matters anyway 

There are many possibilities yes. At the end of the day his reasons really don’t matter. What matters is his actions do not match my desires in dating, so I’m moving on.

Thank you so much for your help and everyone’s!

Edited May 20, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Alpacalia]

12 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

I don't think it serves you at all to vent and complain about this guy. I mean why waste YOUR OWN time on that? From what I can tell what the opposite action would be would be to MOVE ON without all the venting and critiquing of some guy who is basically not giving you what you want. Or since you are spending time on it, give him the benefit of the doubt and initiate by proposing a date.

 

Yes, absolutely Versacehottie.

Still, your time is special Emilyinroses.

Edited May 20, 2021 by Alpaca

[Gaeta]

6 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

Also he told me he used to attract co dependent and manipulative women in his past

A wild guess here. 

These women lack self-confidence and are most of the time on chase mode. If a man gives them a bit of attention they won't let go. 

I'm thinking he was able to identify his problem with women in the past, he may have done some work to understand the cycle that lead  him in those relationships but he's still expecting the same behavior from women. If he wants a different kind of women then he has to expect a different kind of approach.

Same with you Emilyinroses. You need to twist a little something in *your* behavior. About you put in your profile when there is a mutual interest you like meeting fast?

Edited May 20, 2021 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

5 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

Also, he said he used to live in a mansion, with lots of cars and motorbikes and a lavish lifestyle, and that he was unhappy and seeking validation through all those things, and he decided to throw it all away and live a more simple and humble life.

Yes it is too much and it's his way to seek validation still. 

Before validation was through material he had, now it's through material *he used to have*. Nothing has changed. 

[Versacehottie]

I would say that it doesn't really make sense that EVERYTHING is about what this guy or any guy for that matter is doing wrong. OP has her other thread where she wants some of her life/behavior to change and yet is doing the same things with this guy and getting the same results, including the aggravation and enjoyment of complaining about him and how not right/not man enough/not whatever enough for her.  One has to wonder WHY she would spend so much time and effort or even create a thread about a guy that truly didn't meet any of her needs or that she didn't have some interest in or ON SOME LEVEL suspect that her own behavior has something to do with the results she is getting time after time.

I don't think it helps OP that we join in on her critique of this guy.  What she really needs help on is exactly what she was somewhat asking on her other thread, those things that she can do differently?  This is more of the same, I'm afraid. I can totally see that it's because she is putting up a wall/barrier probably because she is deeply hurt in some way. It's a protective mechanism. Anyway, allowing it will just keep perpetuating her pattern of stuff.  I think it would help to get out of her rigidness & stubbornness, even entitlement about all this. And sure you will bump into unsuitable guys, maybe even often--what a waste to put your focus on how unsuitable they are. Anyone will a real desire to find someone and in a healthy place would literally not waste their own time on that, he/she would just move on, no discussion, ego boost grab necessary.  I know it's hard to hear sometimes but just like your other threads the tone of where you are emotionally and how you are wired comes across pretty clearly---perhaps that is why he is NOW hesitant to meet?  It's definitely a possible explanation, one that is consistent across the various different guys, common denominator is you, what you are bringing to the table and the vibe. That is a part you can change, along with your approach. I would first recommend, not giving focus and time/attention to things you don't want,  Like this guy, if you don't want him, recognize it immediately and stop complaining about him/it, change your pattern. You are focusing on what you DON'T want and giving it significant time and attention, and thus you are getting more of that and it's putting you in a negative place.

[Emilyinroses]

7 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

I would say that it doesn't really make sense that EVERYTHING is about what this guy or any guy for that matter is doing wrong. OP has her other thread where she wants some of her life/behavior to change and yet is doing the same things with this guy and getting the same results, including the aggravation and enjoyment of complaining about him and how not right/not man enough/not whatever enough for her.  One has to wonder WHY she would spend so much time and effort or even create a thread about a guy that truly didn't meet any of her needs or that she didn't have some interest in or ON SOME LEVEL suspect that her own behavior has something to do with the results she is getting time after time.

I don't think it helps OP that we join in on her critique of this guy.  What she really needs help on is exactly what she was somewhat asking on her other thread, those things that she can do differently?  This is more of the same, I'm afraid. I can totally see that it's because she is putting up a wall/barrier probably because she is deeply hurt in some way. It's a protective mechanism. Anyway, allowing it will just keep perpetuating her pattern of stuff.  I think it would help to get out of her rigidness & stubbornness, even entitlement about all this. And sure you will bump into unsuitable guys, maybe even often--what a waste to put your focus on how unsuitable they are. Anyone will a real desire to find someone and in a healthy place would literally not waste their own time on that, he/she would just move on, no discussion, ego boost grab necessary.  I know it's hard to hear sometimes but just like your other threads the tone of where you are emotionally and how you are wired comes across pretty clearly---perhaps that is why he is NOW hesitant to meet?  It's definitely a possible explanation, one that is consistent across the various different guys, common denominator is you, what you are bringing to the table and the vibe. That is a part you can change, along with your approach. I would first recommend, not giving focus and time/attention to things you don't want,  Like this guy, if you don't want him, recognize it immediately and stop complaining about him/it, change your pattern. You are focusing on what you DON'T want and giving it significant time and attention, and thus you are getting more of that and it's putting you in a negative place.

Other people already said that and I agree. I should just move on, no thread and no wasting time and energy on what I don't want. It's easy to do that with guys I didn't feel much, but when you connect with someone at some level, have interesting conversations, mention meeting, and then they do nothing, it kinda gets you thinking why.

But, I agree, I need to see past that initial connection, see people's actions and move on quickly. Live and learn I guess.

[Emilyinroses]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Yes it is too much and it's his way to seek validation still. 

Before validation was through material he had, now it's through material *he used to have*. Nothing has changed. 

You are absolutely right. And maybe online validation is all he is seeking, so knowing the woman wants to meet him is enough for him, and no desire to truly meet in real life. Well, to each their own.

[Emilyinroses]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

A wild guess here. 

These women lack self-confidence and are most of the time on chase mode. If a man gives them a bit of attention they won't let go. 

I'm thinking he was able to identify his problem with women in the past, he may have done some work to understand the cycle that lead  him in those relationships but he's still expecting the same behavior from women. If he wants a different kind of women then he has to expect a different kind of approach.

Same with you Emilyinroses. You need to twist a little something in *your* behavior. About you put in your profile when there is a mutual interest you like meeting fast?

Yes, perhaps he is still addicted to those type of women and deep down likes the validation he gets from them chasing him. Since the only man I chase is the ice cream truck driver, we are not a match! lol

I don't think I need to put that on my profile but thanks for the suggestion. With the right man things will happen.

[Gaeta]

I think it's a good thing emilyinroses wants to talk it through with us. These threads will help her make some realizations with time. I remember my own struggles with dating and having the same thing repeated to me 100 times did help at the end. 

[Emilyinroses]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I think it's a good thing emilyinroses wants to talk it through with us. These threads will help her make some realizations with time. I remember my own struggles with dating and having the same thing repeated to me 100 times did help at the end. 

Yes it does help. I did feel like coming here to get your perspective guys. But yes I needed to hear again the "why are you making this thread and giving time to this instead of just moving on". 

[Ami1uwant]

On 5/19/2021 at 2:25 AM, Emilyinroses said:

I do not have a busy schedule and did not tell him any of those things. Actually it was the contrary. I work from home and am flexible with schedules, and so is him.

I told him that yes I want to meet him too. Pretty self explanatory right!?

I don’t work well with ‘indirectly asking’. I like people that are upfront and ask concrete things. That helps me trust them.

 

I thought I asked you about the willingness to meet with Covid out there and being vaxxed.

 

therr is a difference in wanting to meet and can meet.

 

if it was me ...and I was getting the 2nd sho this week I’d be saying I have to wait till 2 weekends from now till I’m ready.

[Emilyinroses]

59 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

I thought I asked you about the willingness to meet with Covid out there and being vaxxed.

 

therr is a difference in wanting to meet and can meet.

 

if it was me ...and I was getting the 2nd sho this week I’d be saying I have to wait till 2 weekends from now till I’m ready.

Did you know there are people out there that do not even want any vaccine, right? I Don't want to make this thread about Covid or the vaccine, but just had to make that point clear.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said:

if it was me ...and I was getting the 2nd sho this week I’d be saying I have to wait till 2 weekends from now till I’m ready.

You'd be "saying".  Than means you would communicate.  If the guy gave the OP a reason or even offered a date in two weeks Emily might have been more responsive.  

[Emilyinroses]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

You'd be "saying".  Than means you would communicate.  If the guy gave the OP a reason or even offered a date in two weeks Emily might have been more responsive.  

Exactly. He just ignored me saying I agree with meeting. Rude to say the least.

I am now convinced he is one of those guys (and they should be plenty online) just seeking validation from women and nothing else.

[Versacehottie]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I think it's a good thing emilyinroses wants to talk it through with us. These threads will help her make some realizations with time. I remember my own struggles with dating and having the same thing repeated to me 100 times did help at the end. 

Respectfully disagree that a lot of what happens on emily's threads is not objective talking through things with her.  It's her b*tch fest about the guys that are anywhere in her vicinity and validating her own destructive hand in the reason her life is as it is. Ultimately it's not productive since she can only change herself.

If the guys indeed are jerks she will have the good sense to move on without starting a thread instead of coming her looking for sympathy. I would be highly curious to hear all these guys' side of the story.  This isn't happening in a bubble. Part of it is happen DUE to how she acts, her negativity and other reluctant and rigid ways.. I think if she is ready and willing for constructive feedback it's helpful otherwise it's just perpetuating her poor belief system.  There is no way that everything is wrong with these guys and NOTHING is wrong with her.  So to reinforce that belief system with a person who already has huge walls up and a set of rules that enormous as well as a palatable feeling that "guys are the enemy", it won't bring her any closer to her goal of finding a great relationship. It's almost a disservice to her to go along with this type of thinking.

If she is "confused" or on the fence about the guys, then that might help her but she usually (never?) comes her with that type of thinking---she's already decided and just is looking for others to bash upon some guy with her. What a waste of her own time!  And worst, it reinforces that she needs to continue to be afraid and rigid etc etc.

I think these threads encouraging her thinking are backing her into a corner where she can rule out just about anyone and never consider what she could be doing differently.. Granted she's already put herself in that corner due to her own thought patterns and maybe be there primarily because she is hurt.

Obviously i totally agree that she will get a variety of opinions and everyone should be able to contribute theirs--no matter if it's coddling, sympathetic, bashes right along with her or is asking her to take a deep long look at her own actions, which is really what is priority number one IMO.  You can kind of tell that she is avoiding it whenever she gets a response that is a pass essentially for dealing with her own sh*t.  That's what the men bashing posts are a version of.  Telling her she wouldn't be making these threads if she was in a proper dating headspace, IS what she needs to fully get.    I hope some of it sinks in. really and truly.

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

Exactly. He just ignored me saying I agree with meeting. Rude to say the least.

I am now convinced he is one of those guys (and they should be plenty online) just seeking validation from women and nothing else.

He could absolutely be that.  And then you are coming here to get validation that he is worthless (ie and you are not) and you are missing out on nothing with him. Why does it make you so angry? There are people like that. And you didn't waste any time. If you accept that there are people like that and/or that there are even good people who will not be your match, you'd be FAR less angry and ABLE to move forward onto what you want and need.  You would be able to tailor your approach, knowing that only a small percentage of people are for you. 

Also have you ever considered that interaction with you turned him off?  And while he might not want to cut it off entirely because you never know or he's not confrontational or even that it's not important enough to address, that is why making the date is not that important to him?  It's as plausible as anything. You are getting an idea about him in a short amount of interactions AS he is about you.  If it's less favorable than it was to begin with initially, this is why people do this as well.

[dramafreezone]

 

9 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I think it's a good thing emilyinroses wants to talk it through with us. These threads will help her make some realizations with time. I remember my own struggles with dating and having the same thing repeated to me 100 times did help at the end. 

How did it help you?

I don't know how helpful it is when she comes on here and says what a creep this guy is and everyone just agrees.  It makes to validate her indignation, but what does it do to change her outcomes?  Changing outcomes has nothing to do with this guy, it has to do with her, and not enough people are actually challenging her to accept accountability for her outcomes.

She said something a couple of pagees back to the effect of "he's just like most other guys."  To me, that sounds more like someone that's just picking poorly.  There are plenty of good men out there, she just doesn't see them.  When you've self-selected down to a miniscule dating pool, of course they're going to be similar in behavior.

Edited May 21, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Miss Spider]

Is there no middle ground between being bitterly hung up over them and not caring whatsoever about what could have happened . That’s quite austere for a romance forum ... I think there’s a lot of room for questions in that space and  people are throwing out theories on what might have happened isn’t that harmful. Why? IMO the talking about all the “mansions” you had to someone you’ve never met online is innately douchey af, independent of anything else about the guy, and also b*thing about exes. if op needs to hear it from someone else to substantiate that... don’t see the harm. She should have peaced out right there. 
 

I do understand there is this larger issue Emily seems to have with attracting/being attracted to men online that dont meet... and yea people should address that separate issue as they see fit if they think it will help. But seriously, it could be as simple as this guy has/thinks he  has better other options so he isn’t keen on meeting. She might be punching above her weight w/o knowing it... likes the chase ...idk it could be a lot of things but that’s not mutually exclusive with this guy also being annoying. I see a lot of people complain on these forums of people who talk, seem to click, but don’t confirm plans to meet and ideally you would brush it off, you do not try to connect before you meet and you don’t invest, but if you’re talking to someone you like and seem to have good conversation and find them very attractive, you get optimistic and they don’t want to meet... esp if people who garner your interest are few and far between... well, that sounds like it would suck. And it’s okay/normal to be disappointed about it....  not necessarily unhealthy . I think there’s a huge gray area ... and she’s not talking to him anymore and talking to others ..  

Edited May 21, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Emilyinroses]

7 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

Respectfully disagree that a lot of what happens on emily's threads is not objective talking through things with her.  It's her b*tch fest about the guys that are anywhere in her vicinity and validating her own destructive hand in the reason her life is as it is. Ultimately it's not productive since she can only change herself.

If the guys indeed are jerks she will have the good sense to move on without starting a thread instead of coming her looking for sympathy. I would be highly curious to hear all these guys' side of the story.  This isn't happening in a bubble. Part of it is happen DUE to how she acts, her negativity and other reluctant and rigid ways.. I think if she is ready and willing for constructive feedback it's helpful otherwise it's just perpetuating her poor belief system.  There is no way that everything is wrong with these guys and NOTHING is wrong with her.  So to reinforce that belief system with a person who already has huge walls up and a set of rules that enormous as well as a palatable feeling that "guys are the enemy", it won't bring her any closer to her goal of finding a great relationship. It's almost a disservice to her to go along with this type of thinking.

If she is "confused" or on the fence about the guys, then that might help her but she usually (never?) comes her with that type of thinking---she's already decided and just is looking for others to bash upon some guy with her. What a waste of her own time!  And worst, it reinforces that she needs to continue to be afraid and rigid etc etc.

I think these threads encouraging her thinking are backing her into a corner where she can rule out just about anyone and never consider what she could be doing differently.. Granted she's already put herself in that corner due to her own thought patterns and maybe be there primarily because she is hurt.

Obviously i totally agree that she will get a variety of opinions and everyone should be able to contribute theirs--no matter if it's coddling, sympathetic, bashes right along with her or is asking her to take a deep long look at her own actions, which is really what is priority number one IMO.  You can kind of tell that she is avoiding it whenever she gets a response that is a pass essentially for dealing with her own sh*t.  That's what the men bashing posts are a version of.  Telling her she wouldn't be making these threads if she was in a proper dating headspace, IS what she needs to fully get.    I hope some of it sinks in. really and truly.

Actually the reason I come here asking about guys is not to bash them out. I was married many years and after divorce and started dating again (especially online), I realised the world is very different.

Now everything is superficial, disposable, there’s a ‘hook up’ culture and the sorts.

There are things I am trying to understand how they work and trying to navigate online dating. 

So I come here for that. Is not about the guy per se, but about this OLD dynamic in general.

I’ve had no negativity in regards to this guy. He asked for my number I said yes, we talked on the phone, I responded I wanted to meet, and he did nothing. I don’t see anything negative from my side in there to be honest.

But I am learning, and yes I’ll move on quickly next time. 

Also, if you don’t like my threads you can also ignore and move on. Thank you.

Edited May 21, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Emilyinroses]

4 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Is there no middle ground between being bitterly hung up over them and not caring whatsoever about what could have happened . That’s quite austere for a romance forum ... I think there’s a lot of room for questions in that space and  people are throwing out theories on what might have happened isn’t that harmful. Why? IMO the talking about all the “mansions” you had to someone you’ve never met online is innately douchey af, independent of anything else about the guy, and also b*thing about exes. if op needs to hear it from someone else to substantiate that... don’t see the harm. She should have peaced out right there. 
 

I do understand there is this larger issue Emily seems to have with attracting/being attracted to men online that dont meet... and yea people should address that separate issue as they see fit if they think it will help. But seriously, it could be as simple as this guy has/thinks he  has better other options so he isn’t keen on meeting. She might be punching above her weight w/o knowing it... likes the chase ...idk it could be a lot of things but that’s not mutually exclusive with this guy also being annoying. I see a lot of people complain on these forums of people who talk, seem to click, but don’t confirm plans to meet and ideally you would brush it off, you do not try to connect before you meet and you don’t invest, but if you’re talking to someone you like and seem to have good conversation and find them very attractive, you get optimistic and they don’t want to meet... esp if people who garner your interest are few and far between... well, that sounds like it would suck. And it’s okay/normal to be disappointed about it....  not necessarily unhealthy . I think there’s a huge gray area ... and she’s not talking to him anymore and talking to others ..  

Well I think it’s normal too to feel annoyed when you meet someone you click with, mention meeting, and then nothing. 

There are many guys I talk to and don’t give a second thought about it, but is rare to click with someone and when that happens you pay a little more attention. And I am human and have emotions, I think is normal to feel annoyed and not like it.

Actually there’s something different I do now. In the past I would confront these guys and would be nasty, now I stopped that.

Now I either ask normally what’s happening (if I feel is worth it), or I just move on. In this case I felt like moving on.

Also, I do have guys who ask me out, but is those guys who ask you out after 2 or 3 lines of ‘where do you live, ‘want to meet’. That is way too fast for me.

I guess I am trying to find someone who has a balance. Someone with whom I feel there’s things in common and an interest to meet, and then we meet. Simple. That is not easy to find online it seems.