Guy doesn't make concrete plans to meet!

[d0nnivain]

I have never heard of a man saying he wants friendship first.  Any man who says that might not be dumb -- as in low IQ or lack of education -- but unsophisticated or simple minded.  He's certainly not somebody I would want to date.  Since you have expressed a preference for the go-getter confident type, if you read "friends first" in a guy's profile just click on by.  He's not the guy for you.  Although I hate the term, any guy who writes something like that is not an Alpha male.  You will be back to being frustrated by his lack of initiative so save yourself the heartache.  

[Emilyinroses]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I have never heard of a man saying he wants friendship first.  Any man who says that might not be dumb -- as in low IQ or lack of education -- but unsophisticated or simple minded.  He's certainly not somebody I would want to date.  Since you have expressed a preference for the go-getter confident type, if you read "friends first" in a guy's profile just click on by.  He's not the guy for you.  Although I hate the term, any guy who writes something like that is not an Alpha male.  You will be back to being frustrated by his lack of initiative so save yourself the heartache.  

Yes I usually next those type of guys. Makes me think they are the avoidant type.

Not only because they say that but also because it makes you feel like you have to follow a script instead of letting things unfold naturally.

[d0nnivain]

7 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Yes I usually next those type of guys. Makes me think they are the avoidant type.

Not only because they say that but also because it makes you feel like you have to follow a script instead of letting things unfold naturally.

I don't see avoidance or the script thing.  I see somebody with some sort of social anxiety issues who is not in touch with his own sexuality or who is so inept or shy as to be indecisive & a scared rabbit. Not my cup of tea.  I like 'em so confident they are practically arrogant.  Probably why I married a Marine.   As the late President Ronald Reagan once said, “Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem.”

Edited May 24, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Emilyinroses]

34 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I don't see avoidance or the script thing.  I see somebody with some sort of social anxiety issues who is not in touch with his own sexuality or who is so inept or shy as to be indecisive & a scared rabbit. Not my cup of tea.  I like 'em so confident they are practically arrogant.  Probably why I married a Marine.   As the late President Ronald Reagan once said, “Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem.”

Love that! And does your marine husband has some marine single friends? Asking for a friend

I dunno, maybe they have been hurt before and now they are careful!? 

As I said I like them confident too, and also that they know what they want and act on it.

Sometimes I think that dating Apps should be like Tripadvisor, people should be able to leave reviews

Edited May 24, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[dramafreezone]

16 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

Age doesn’t matter when it comes to adult dating.  Experience does. 

 

 

Not only does experience matter, the quality of the experience matters.

There are 25 year old adults that are more mature in relationships than some in their 50s and 60s.  Everyone matures on different timelines, but it also matters what skills we acquire in our formative stages.  Those young adults were children that were born into good marriages, oboserved it their entire lives and applied the behaviors and skills they saw.  They're successful because they intuitively know how to sidestep the landmines that a lot of us hit.

For those of us that didn't get to observe a healthy relationship in our formative years, we have to fix the plane while we're flying it, but it helps to know your deficiencies.  In this current culture of participation trophies and everyone is beautiful and don't settle, people sometimes that that too far into thinking that they don't have serious issues to fix.  The majority of us do.

[d0nnivain]

53 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Love that! And does your marine husband has some marine single friends? Asking for a friend

We're old enough to be your parents & their sons are immature.  

[Emilyinroses]

23 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Not only does experience matter, the quality of the experience matters.

There are 25 year old adults that are more mature in relationships than some in their 50s and 60s.  Everyone matures on different timelines, but it also matters what skills we acquire in our formative stages.  Those young adults were children that were born into good marriages, oboserved it their entire lives and applied the behaviors and skills they saw.  They're successful because they intuitively know how to sidestep the landmines that a lot of us hit.

For those of us that didn't get to observe a healthy relationship in our formative years, we have to fix the plane while we're flying it, but it helps to know your deficiencies.  In this current culture of participation trophies and everyone is beautiful and don't settle, people sometimes that that too far into thinking that they don't have serious issues to fix.  The majority of us do.

Basically what you are saying is that people who grow up in a home with a secure attachment style are the ones who are more lucky because they are trauma free (or have less trauma and less serious).

All the other who grow up in a home with anxious or avoidant attachment styles are basically scre***.  They will repeat those anxious and avoidant patterns in their relationships later in life.

That happened to me and romantic relationships (even just dating) has been full of lessons and mirrors so I can learn and evolve into a secure attachment style.

And I agree, a lot of people spend their lives repeating patterns without being conscious of it.

I am working on myself to become secure and after a life full of men with avoidant attachment style, I now want a secure man as a partner. Less exciting but more stable and healthy.

Edited May 25, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

Basically what you are saying is that people who grow up in a home with a secure attachment style are the ones who are more lucky because they are trauma free (or have less trauma and less serious).

All the other who grow up in a home with anxious or avoidant attachment styles are basically scre***.  They will repeat those anxious and avoidant patterns in their relationships later in life.

That happened to me and romantic relationships (even just dating) has been full of lessons and mirrors so I can learn and evolve into a secure attachment style.

And I agree, a lot of people spend their lives repeating patterns without being conscious of it.

I am working on myself to become secure and after a life full of men with avoidant attachment style, I now want a secure man as a partner. Less exciting but more stable and healthy.

How do you define a secure man?  E en a secure man can be very nervous on a first meet?

[Gaeta]

16 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

All the other who grow up in a home with anxious or avoidant attachment styles are basically scre***.  They will repeat those anxious and avoidant patterns in their relationships later in life

Yes and no. Dangerous to generalize. I know people that had horrific childhood and are now loving husbands & fathers.

[Alpacalia]

11 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

How do you define a secure man?  E en a secure man can be very nervous on a first meet?

Agree.

Unless, of course, he's a h0rny casanova.

[Emilyinroses]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Yes and no. Dangerous to generalize. I know people that had horrific childhood and are now loving husbands & fathers.

I wasn’t generalizing. People that grew up like that can have healthy relationships, but usually they have to do a lot of inner work to get there. It’s not usually a straight line like for people who had secure and healthy role models at home.

[Emilyinroses]

11 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

How do you define a secure man?  E en a secure man can be very nervous on a first meet?

A man with a secure attachment style.

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

A man with a secure attachment style.

That's much too broad. 

What type of behaviors do you associate with a "secure attachment style"?

Do you believe being secure means never being nervous?  And always confident, in every situation?

Even very secure people can be nervous on a date.  Or lack confidence from time to time.

 

 

Edited May 26, 2021 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

That's much too broad. 

I was going to say that's much too rare lol.

. 

[Ami1uwant]

28 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

A man with a secure attachment style.

Secure Then could imply clingy , controlling, or being a stalker

then he’d be secure in knowing where she is and who she communicates with 24/7

Edited May 26, 2021 by Ami1uwant

[Emilyinroses]

12 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Secure Then could imply clingy , controlling, or being a stalker

then he’d be secure in knowing where she is and who she communicates with 24/7

I think you guys need to research attachment styles and see secure attachment and behaviour and see what I mean. You can even read the book ‘Attached’.

A secure man (or woman) means someone emotionally available, open, consistent, that cares about the people he loves and shows it. A person who puts his money where his mouth is. 

No he is not perfect and can get nervous. But his behaviour is of a secure person.

You can compare it to a secure attachment style in parenting. Parents that are present for their children, emotionally available to them, caring, consistent, care for them and what they feel. They can get nervous but they don’t ignore their needs (like an avoidant person) or put a tantrum (like an anxious person). They are just there.

 

Edited May 26, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Secure Then could imply clingy , controlling, or being a stalker

then he’d be secure in knowing where she is and who she communicates with 24/7

Secure people don't need to keep tabs on their partners - knowing where they are at all times, who they communicate with, etc.

Someone who needs to do those things is very anxious and insecure.  

Edited May 26, 2021 by poppyfields

[Ami1uwant]

17 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I think you guys need to research attachment styles and see secure attachment and behaviour and see what I mean. You can even read the book ‘Attached’.

A secure man (or woman) means someone emotionally available, open, consistent, that cares about the people he loves and shows it. A person who puts his money where his mouth is. 

No he is not perfect and can get nervous. But his behaviour is of a secure person.

You can compare it to a secure attachment style in parenting. Parents that are present for their children, emotionally available to them, caring, consistent, care for them and what they feel. They can get nervous but they don’t ignore their needs (like an avoidant person) or put a tantrum (like an anxious person). They are just there.

 

I don’t assume people are talking psychological terms and understand them  

 https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/which-of-these-four-attachment-styles-is-yours/

im secure by the definition.

 

but you WILL NOT be able to figure that out in online communication or on a first date.  It’s something you could find out as the relationship progresses after a few months.

 

You don’t know how people will be with children until you have them.  You can find someone with secure personality who can be overwhelmed with children.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Emilyinroses]

23 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

I don’t assume people are talking psychological terms and understand them  

 https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/which-of-these-four-attachment-styles-is-yours/

im secure by the definition.

 

but you WILL NOT be able to figure that out in online communication or on a first date.  It’s something you could find out as the relationship progresses after a few months.

 

You don’t know how people will be with children until you have them.  You can find someone with secure personality who can be overwhelmed with children.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes it comes with dealing with them and with consistency. But there are certain traits about anxious and avoidant people that you can see right from the first date.

Read the book ‘Attached’, they tell you how.

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Yes it comes with dealing with them and with consistency. But there are certain traits about anxious and avoidant people that you can see right from the first date.

Read the book ‘Attached’, they tell you how.

Interesting. What you you identify on a first date in terms of attachment style?

[Ami1uwant]

6 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Yes it comes with dealing with them and with consistency. But there are certain traits about anxious and avoidant people that you can see right from the first date.

Read the book ‘Attached’, they tell you how.

Explain what you think is easily seen?

read 

 

have him at hello

and

 

Marry Him

.....

 

 

 

[Emilyinroses]

19 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Interesting. What you you identify on a first date in terms of attachment style?

Inconsistency is one of the biggest things. For example the guy I asked about on this thread, mentioned meeting twice and then doing nothing about it, is not a secure attachment style because his actions do not match his words. He is probably either avoidant or anxious.

But there are more things like someone who is on a string of in and out short relationships, just wants something casual are usually avoidants, or someone who is very clingy right from the first date is a sign of being anxious.

Other things like they talk too much and don’t let you talk, or they don’t ask questions about you, or even they avoid responding to your questions, or respond in a very vague way. All signs of avoidance.

Someone who talks a lot about how they need so much space and alone time (avoidant), or someone who wants to know immediately how you feel about them (anxious).

Usually a secure person is what we describe as boring. They do not avoid anything but they don’t cling into you either. They are just... normal and genuine.

These are just examples. As I said, the book ‘Attached’ explains all this in more detail than I can do here.

I have been both avoidant and anxious, but more anxious. Now doing my inner work to become secure.

For example me clinging into guys I see are not fit and coming here creating threads about them instead of moving on quickly is an anxious trait.

A secure person just acknowledges he was not compatible and moves on peacefully and quickly. I am learning new more secure behaviours.

An anxious person can also become more secure if they choose a secure partner. All my past partners have been avoidants.

That is why now I want to find a secure man (as in he has a secure attachment style), and finally have a happy and healthy relationship.

 

 

Edited May 26, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Gaeta]

I should read that book. I don't consider myself insecure but apparently l dated a bunch of them. What you've listed l would have seen as red flags but not necessarely related to attachment style. Thanks for the attachment style 101 course

[Emilyinroses]

45 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I should read that book. I don't consider myself insecure but apparently l dated a bunch of them. What you've listed l would have seen as red flags but not necessarely related to attachment style. Thanks for the attachment style 101 course

I wasn’t aware of attachment styles either until  this year. That book changed my life!

I am now able to identify my own behaviours and patterns and understand how by being anxious I relate to avoidants and its dynamic.

I’m reaching a point where I don’t feel attracted to avoidants anymore, because I am becoming secure. Now I feel secure is the new sexy

Someone who is open, direct, genuine, available, consistent, plays no games, wow! 

You’re welcome! I think everyone should read that book!

Edited May 26, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[salparadise]

On 5/26/2021 at 1:25 PM, Emilyinroses said:

Someone who is open, direct, genuine, available, consistent, plays no games

And pursues like a Marine storming Iwo Jima, right? Takes one look and knows the mission...

I am just amazed by these threads where women define what men should be. Why do we not see the equivalent from the other perspective?

I’d just like to meet someone who relates as one human being to another, without a bunch of criteria, expectations, and Disney scripts. I guess that’s my delusion, eh?