lifestudent77 Posted May 18, 2021 Posted May 18, 2021 Greetings. My wife had a falling out with a close friend's wife, and on my end at least, it is compromising the friendship. I've known him for almost 20 years, along with his wife (through him as his gf, kid's mother, then wife) for about the same amount of time, before meeting my wife about 9 years ago. The wives met and hung out, in a small group, at bars and a few girl's trips. They did get along, although my wife would come home complaining that she didn't feel she was being treated as a real friend by her. Condescending remarks, snobbish, spoiled and self centered attitudes is what she complained about. Long story short, two Decembers ago, we had a big birthday party for our son and the pictures get posted to Facebook. The friend's wife, along with others in the girls group, angrily texted my wife about not getting an invite (all have kids, two have kids somewhat close in age to our son). Honestly, we forgot to send them as our kids and families don't mingle that much anyways- it's mainly the adults that hang out as couples or guys/girls. My wife did apologize to them and offered to more or less end the "friendship" if they felt as slighted as they claimed they were, and that was pretty much it. She had long been frustrated with their ways, and insisted she only engaged them because my history with them. They don't speak anymore, but one of the other girls in the group (actually my friend's sister) did reach back out to her to apologize, acknowledge her as a good friend and more or less agree that her sister in law was in the wrong. They still talk from time to time. Fast forward to now, me and my friend haven't spoken about their falling out, though I get the impression that he is definitely siding with his wife against my wife, and sees my wife as a thorn in the friendship, and my own happiness to an extent. They see it as my wife coming along and sabotaging a 20 year friendship, my wife sees it as people who were never my real friends to begin with. I will take some of the blame here because as a close friend, early on I confided in him some of the gripes of my marriage, at the time not realizing that it would be used as ammunition for the feelings the both of them have towards us. We don't talk as much, but when we do, it's a source of contention with my wife (she doesn't think he's great enough of a friend to me). There have been subliminal social media posts he's made which could easily refer to me and my wife, and other gestures (or lack of) that may indeed show that the friendship is lopsided at the very least. It's clear that he wants to maintain the friendship, even going so far as to call me up after a 5 month hiatus to sort of thank me for exposing him to the things that's made his life as great as it is now. And he was also there for me early on in the friendship when I was in need. The general rule is that she's begrudgingly fine with me hanging out with him as long as it's not at his home. I still get invites to come and drink and smoke cigars in the backyard with the fellas. I usually come up with an excuse as to why can't make it and most times it works out where I couldn't anyways. Him and some other friends are planning a trip to Vegas, he really wants me to go, but we're saving for a house we're having built. When I go through periods where I inadvertently distance myself, when we do communicate again, he seems glad to be in touch again. I personally think he sincerely values the friendship, but there's some awareness that's lacking, plus he's loyal to his wife (as he should), and he feels like I need to rise up against an oppressive wife. Thoughts? I can be long winded but I just wanted to paint the picture as best as I could. I left out a lot just to keep it this short. Maybe I'm being naive. I have another close friend that's not in this group, but knows him and the situation through me, and agrees that he hasn't been a good, solid friend, but doesn't think it's to the point where I need to blow up the friendship.
Wiseman2 Posted May 18, 2021 Posted May 18, 2021 You both need to have your own friends. Hang out with him as much as you wish and don't jump into the litter box if the wives don't want to be friends. Don't take sides just understand your wife, nod but disengage.
Author lifestudent77 Posted May 18, 2021 Author Posted May 18, 2021 (edited) 30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: You both need to have your own friends. Hang out with him as much as you wish and don't jump into the litter box if the wives don't want to be friends. Don't take sides just understand your wife, nod but disengage. True, but what if he's jumped into the litterbox while trying to keep the friendship? A few weeks ago, me and him were talking and I was in the middle of one of those "if I had known this, I would've done this differently" in general life speeches, and he got excited as if he about to be proven right, waiting on me to say I regret picking my wife. I was just talking about overall life success. It's pretty clear he shares whatever opinion his wife has about her and our marriage. He won't acknowledge my wife if I take a call while she's around, but he'll call me on her birthday and have her on the phone too, for example. Edited May 18, 2021 by lifestudent77 1
basil67 Posted May 18, 2021 Posted May 18, 2021 I feel like you could have your wife's back a bit more here. It would be different if your mate had cleared the air by saying "sorry mate, bloody women - making a mountain out of a molehill", but he's apparently siding with his wife over the ambush she and her friends did on your wife. Firstly, how ridiculous that grown adults would EXPECT an invite to your son's birthday party and throw a hissy fit when they aren't on the list. And how ridiculous that they'd attack your wife when the invite list was done by both of you. Combine this with some of his attitude to your marriage and I think he's not a good friend at all. When a friend erects a fence like this, if you sit in the middle of that fence, your balls will bust. I know you don't want that fence, but it's there. So you need to work out your alliance here. You can't have a mate who's working against your marriage and foster love and respect for your wife at the same time. 3 1
lana-banana Posted May 18, 2021 Posted May 18, 2021 I'm with Basil on this. You cannot really have a friendship with somebody who thinks your marriage is a mistake, the entire spat about the birthday party seems petty to the point of ridiculousness, and passive-aggressive social media posts are for teenage girls. This guy is not nearly as good of a friend as you think, and while it's natural to mourn what you had, you should back your wife here. 2 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 19, 2021 Posted May 19, 2021 11 hours ago, lana-banana said: social media posts are for teenage girls. .you should back your wife here. Agree. Although it's a lot of catty nonsense, once you get married you need to ditch the bros before hose mentality. 1
ShyViolet Posted May 19, 2021 Posted May 19, 2021 This friendship sounds like more trouble than it's worth. If he cannot resist the urge to take shots at your wife, to bad-mouth her, to be passive aggressive and petty, then he's not a good friend. Period. Just because you've been friends with this guy for 20 years, that alone is not enough of a reason that it has to continue. You look at his behavior now and ask yourself if this is really something you need in your life. For me it sounds like too much drama. 1
usa1ah Posted May 19, 2021 Posted May 19, 2021 I understand it’s a 20 year friendship you are dealing with. You married your wife and it sounds like your friend’s wife is the one that never liked her for some reason. Your wife isn’t the trouble maker here. She shouldn’t have to put up with the BS your friend’s wife was giving her. Proven by the sister calling and apologizing. You need to have your wife’s back in this, even at the cost of the friendship. There is a thread where the friends of the husband lied about his wife cheating on him when he was out of town. He found out it was a lie after he started the divorce. His wife wouldn’t take him back. So, he ended up losing his wife and friends both.
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