I cheated on my wife and destroyed her life. I want her back

[usa1ah]

The only advice I have for you is to makes sure she is taken care of financially. You owe her that. 

Edited May 19, 2021 by usa1ah

[pepperbird2]

In your shoes, I would write her out a letter than explained everything and let her knoe that none of this is her fault. However, before you do that, I would really give it some thought. Who would you be doing it for? Is it to help her heal or to help you feel less guilty?

[AngeloLombardo]

47 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

In your shoes, I would write her out a letter than explained everything and let her knoe that none of this is her fault. However, before you do that, I would really give it some thought. Who would you be doing it for? Is it to help her heal or to help you feel less guilty?

The letter is a great idea. Nothing will make me feel less guilty. I want her to heal. I want her to be happy. I just found out that she has a baby now a four month old boy. Possibly from the rape? I don't know. I want her to know she can ask for help. She's not alone. I know it's best I leave her and her child alone. 

[AngeloLombardo]

2 hours ago, usa1ah said:

The only advice I have for you is to makes sure she is taken care of financially. You owe her that. 

Do you mean my Wife? Or the child I had with the other woman? The other woman and I have joint custody. I care for my child, I would never not be there for a child. She didn't ask to be here. She is and I will always be her father. I love her very much.

[Wiseman2]

Have your attorney contact her so you can get some answers/clarity.

[AngeloLombardo]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have your attorney contact her so you can get some answers/clarity.

I am doing just that. I want it to be in a non threatening way. I found out she has a baby boy, I assume from the rape...I want her to know if she needs financial help I'm willing to help no obligation. If she wants a divorce she can have spousal support. If this baby is from I don't know a boyfriend she may have I don't know. Noone knows. Then I will file divorce papers and let her be.  

[vla1120]

You have joint custody of the child you made with your affair partner outside your marriage. Do you really think your wife wants to come back to that constant reminder? Leave her alone. I hope she goes back to Italy to be near family. Also, how her child was conceived is none of your business and none of your concern.

[AngeloLombardo]

7 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

You have joint custody of the child you made with your affair partner outside your marriage. Do you really think your wife wants to come back to that constant reminder? Leave her alone. I hope she goes back to Italy to be near family. Also, how her child was conceived is none of your business and none of your concern.

I know my wife is a good woman. Regardless. I'm sure she would expect me to man up and raise my child. Joint custody because I am HALF of the child. So I will do my part. So she will know me, my family and have a good life I can provide. My wife doesn't blame the child. She is innocent. I was wrong. She didn't ask to come to this world.

 

[vla1120]

Just now, AngeloLombardo said:

I know my wife is a good woman. Regardless. I'm sure she would expect me to man up and raise my child. Joint custody because I am HALF of the child. So I will do my part. So she will know me, my family and have a good life I can provide. My wife doesn't blame the child. She is innocent. I was wrong. She didn't ask to come to this world.

 

I agree with all of that^^^. I don't agree with trying to talk your wife into coming back to you. Just because she's a good woman and wouldn't blame the child doesn't mean that child wouldn't be a constant reminder of your infidelity.

[AngeloLombardo]

2 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

I agree with all of that^^^. I don't agree with trying to talk your wife into coming back to you. Just because she's a good woman and wouldn't blame the child doesn't mean that child wouldn't be a constant reminder of your infidelity.

I agree. Your right. I know that is the reason she will most likely never come back. The baby is a constant reminder. I'm respectful of her wishes. I just want her to know I love her. If she wants a divorce fine. I will help her financial and if she wants to go home to family in Italy. I will respect that. I agree with you percent

[Indigo Night]

4 hours ago, AngeloLombardo said:

If it was conceived through the rape, I think I will die. I suspect it was. The timeline seems right

If the baby was conceived through the rape, and you think you will die, can you imagine how it must have made, probably still makes, her feel? If it is the case, I truly hope she has all of the emotional support that she needs. 

It is also, however, possible it's another man's child. Hopefully for her, and the baby, that is the case. The thought of her being with another man so soon after what's she has been through may seem kinda crazy, but it's not impossible. After being beaten and raped it wouldn't be that unexpected for her to get together with a man who makes her feel safe, and protected. For all you know, it's someone she knew while you were married, maybe she met him after she left you (friend/coworker), or an old friend. Being victimized can cause someone  to change, drastically, and not necessarily for the worst. 

Write the letter, but take all of your pain, and even the "I still love you" comments out of it. Make it about her. Make it about how much you regret what you have done to her, and your marriage.  Instead of saying something like "I hurt so much because I destroyed our marriage" try something closer to "I cannot imagine the heartbreak and anger that my selfish actions have caused you" and whatever you do, don't say "I didn't mean to hurt you" in ANY form, because you know that what you did from the very first time had a high probability of breaking her heart. You didn't mean to get caught, but you were being too selfish to care if you did. Or, too self involved to even consider that was even a possibility.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but your post has a lot of comments about your feelings. I don't doubt that you hurt, but when you did something to deserve it my empathy runs low. Other than remorse and regret, don't burden her with how much you hurt. You should hurt. You're the one who decided an affair was worth risking your marriage for. You compounded that by having a child with another woman. Just imagine if the roles were reversed. She cheated, and got pregnant by him. How would that make you feel? 

Don't pity her, whatever you do! If you mention her trauma, comment on how strong she is for surviving her ordeal.  Just be honest, and tell her that nothing she did caused your affair, and truly OWN ALL of your actions. You got greedy, and made selfish, self indulgent choices. It happens. Unfortunately.

Ask her brother if she is why he is reaching out to you. She may not want to reconcile, but she may be reaching out for other reason. She may be feeling humiliated about picking the man who abused her so severely. Trust me, from experience, that was one of the hardest feelings to get over. Allowing a monster into your life is a hard thing to accept.

They usually start out as almost "perfect" (especially if you're heartbroken, or hurting. They say and do all of the right things) until one day, you find out how evil they truly are. Jekyll and Hyde becoming a reality, basically.

If you've never experienced it, there are few words that can describe the horror of being brutalized by someone in the safety of your own home. Especially if you never expected them to do it. 

Men may deal with the "perfect" woman turning into a psycho ex, but rarely are they left for dead after being beaten and raped.

A final suggestion: Before you write your letter, it might help you understand what she's been through, at least a little, by reading stories by, or talking to women who have been brutally raped by sometime they know. It might keep you from saying things that make her feel like a victim, again.

Wanting to help her is understandable.  Tread lightly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 19, 2021 by Indigo Night

[AngeloLombardo]

5 minutes ago, Indigo Night said:

If the baby was conceived through the rape, and you think you will die, can you imagine how it must have made, probably still makes, her feel? If it is the case, I truly hope she has all of the emotional support that she needs. 

It is also, however, possible it's another man's child. Hopefully for her, and the baby, that is the case. The thought of her being with another man so soon after what's she has been through may seem kinda crazy, but it's not impossible. After being beaten and raped it wouldn't be that unexpected for her to get together with a man who makes her feel safe, and protected. For all you know, it's someone she knew while you were married, maybe she met him after she left you (friend/coworker), or an old friend. Being victimized can cause someone  to change, drastically, and not necessarily for the worst. 

Write the letter, but take all of your pain, and even the "I still love you" comments out of it. Make it about her. Make it about how much you regret what you have done to her, and your marriage.  Instead of saying something like "I hurt so much because I destroyed our marriage" try something closer to "I cannot imagine the heartbreak and anger that my selfish actions have caused you" and whatever you do, don't say "I didn't mean to hurt you" in ANY form, because you know that what you did from the very first time had a high probability of breaking her heart. You didn't mean to get caught, but you were being too selfish to care if you did. Or, too self involved to even consider that was even a possibility.

I'm not trying to be harsh, but your post has a lot of comments about your feelings. I don't doubt that you hurt, but when you did something to deserve it my empathy runs low. Other than remorse and regret, don't burden her with how much you hurt. You should hurt. You're the one who decided an affair was worth risking your marriage for. You compounded that by having a child with another woman. Just imagine if the roles were reversed. She cheated, and got pregnant by him. How would that make you feel? 

Don't pity her, whatever you do! If you mention her trauma, comment on how strong she is for surviving her ordeal.  Just be honest, and tell her that nothing she did caused your affair, and truly OWN ALL of your actions. You got greedy, and made selfish, self indulgent choices. It happens. Unfortunately.

Ask her brother if she is why he is reaching out to you. She may not want to reconcile, but she may be reaching out for other reason. She may be feeling humiliated about picking the man who abused her so severely. Trust me, from experience, that was one of the hardest feelings to get over. Allowing a monster into your life is a hard thing to accept.

They usually start out as almost "perfect" (especially if you're heartbroken, or hurting. They say and do all of the right things) until one day, you find out how evil they truly are. Jekyll and Hyde becoming a reality, basically.

If you've never experienced it, there are few words that can describe the horror of being brutalized by someone in the safety of your own home. Especially if you never expected them to do it. 

Men may deal with the "perfect" woman turning into a psycho ex, but rarely are they left for dead after being beaten and raped.

A final suggestion: Before you write your letter, it might help you understand what she's been through, at least a little, by reading stories by, or talking to women who have been brutally raped by sometime they know. It might keep you from saying things that make her feel like a victim, again.

Wanting to help her is understandable.  Tread lightly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I agree with all you've said. She is Strong. I always told her that. She was always my Rock. Kept me in check. Was always my guiding light. It breaks my heart into a million pieces to think of her romantically with another man. I'm sure I hurt her. But. I love her still so deeply. My Lawyer is reaching out to her. Gently. I'm offering her to say what ever she needs and wants. I'm all in. I don't see her sleeping with another man. I was her first and only. The man who raped her. They had just met. The second date he wanted to f*** her. She refused that's what set the bastard off! My Lawyer is looking into if maybe the baby is mine. Maybe she was pregnant and then this happened to her. I don't see her dating anyone else and having sex with another man. She cut this guy off because she was feeling it's inappropriate, because she's married. She wouldn't have unprotected sex with a man she just met. I just want to be unselfish and focus on her. I'm dead inside. I cry all the time.she was my best friend. She NEVER let me down. I was so selfish. I hate myself for how I hurt her. I will do everything I can to make it right for her. Not for me. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, AngeloLombardo said:

My Lawyer is reaching out to her. 

Ok, then just file. If she needed anything, she would have contacted you. Let your attorney handle it. 

[spiderowl]

You need to bear in mind that if the child she has is not yours - and she does accept you back into her life in some way - then you will need to be able to cope with that child.  The child is not at fault here and does not deserve prejudice or suppressed anger in his life.  If you cannot accept the child wholeheartedly, then there is no point getting involved with your wife again.  It will just cause more torment down the line.

I think going through your lawyer is probably best though I would suggest you write her a letter expressing your regrets (in the manner Indigo Night mentioned).  Seal the letter and ask your lawyer to pass it on for you.  That way you will have had a direct communication with her and it is then up to her how she responds.

She is very likely to turn you down or ignore the message but at least you will know you have tried.

 

[AngeloLombardo]

1 hour ago, spiderowl said:

You need to bear in mind that if the child she has is not yours - and she does accept you back into her life in some way - then you will need to be able to cope with that child.  The child is not at fault here and does not deserve prejudice or suppressed anger in his life.  If you cannot accept the child wholeheartedly, then there is no point getting involved with your wife again.  It will just cause more torment down the line.

I think going through your lawyer is probably best though I would suggest you write her a letter expressing your regrets (in the manner Indigo Night mentioned).  Seal the letter and ask your lawyer to pass it on for you.  That way you will have had a direct communication with her and it is then up to her how she responds.

She is very likely to turn you down or ignore the message but at least you will know you have tried.

 

I have been so distraught over everything. I didn't even think about the child being mine. I would never mistreat a child. I know a child is innocent. If I were fortunate enough to get my wife to forgive me. I would love that child as my own. But thank you for making me realize that the child could be mine. But I don't believe he is. The timeline doesn't work. I found out about her being raped it was March. She left me Feb 10th that's longer than mine months.

[spiderowl]

4 minutes ago, AngeloLombardo said:

I have been so distraught over everything. I didn't even think about the child being mine. I would never mistreat a child. I know a child is innocent. If I were fortunate enough to get my wife to forgive me. I would love that child as my own. But thank you for making me realize that the child could be mine. But I don't believe he is. The timeline doesn't work. I found out about her being raped it was March. She left me Feb 10th that's longer than mine months.

I understand.  I only mentioned 'if the child wasn't yours' because you said your lawyer was looking into the possibility.  I guess if the timelines were close, it is worth checking out to put your mind at rest either way.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, AngeloLombardo said:

 She left me Feb 10th that's longer than mine months.

Do you know where she is? Does she want contact with you? 

You need to deal with your affair being over in a better way than this.

Do Not write a personal letter. An attorney will find her and make contact. 

Attorneys do not participate in the get-your-ex-back nonsense such as invasive letters dumping your feelings on her.

Get a grip. She's been through enough. The last thing she needs is to be your therapist.

Contact an attorney and file for divorce. If you are financially responsible for anything,an attorney will advice you.

Her child is none of your business. 

Get to a therapist to discuss your affair and all the fall out from it.

Don't conflate your estranged wife with your ex lover.

[ctdans]

since you are still married I do hope her medical bills and therapy etc are being paid by you.

[AngeloLombardo]

7 hours ago, ctdans said:

since you are still married I do hope her medical bills and therapy etc are being paid by you.

Yes. As I have been paying for all medical for her since we've been married. Nothing will change. I have a good career and excellent insurance thankfully. I will always care for any needs she has. 

 

 

[AngeloLombardo]

On 5/21/2021 at 3:02 PM, ctdans said:

since you are still married I do hope her medical bills and therapy etc are being paid by you.

Yes. She definitely has full access to our insurance. I will take care of all her medical needs. I would never sent her anything.

[mark clemson]

On 5/18/2021 at 7:36 AM, AngeloLombardo said:

 My wife became involved with a man. She tried to end it with him, because she felt it was inappropriate because she was still married. This man, wouldn't take no for an answer. He continued to stalk her. He ignored a order of protection she had against him. He ended up raping her and beating her up and shooting her.

On 5/19/2021 at 11:33 AM, AngeloLombardo said:

The man who raped her. They had just met. The second date he wanted to f*** her. She refused that's what set the bastard off!

So they had just met, two dates, and she took out an order of protection against him? Wow, she sure works fast. Don't courts require real justification for an order of protection? And don't they work s-l-o-w-l-y, unfortunately.

 

On 5/18/2021 at 7:36 AM, AngeloLombardo said:

I now have a daughter with a woman I don't even love. The woman I love is alone, I destroyed her. I want her back but. I think I broke us beyond repair.

This would show FAR, FAR too much focus on/chasing/caring about the wife you can't have, vs caring for a new daughter who is (would be) actually your responsibility AND who you should love. Who even thinks like this?

My advice to you would be to focus your attention on your daughter (who, after all, would deserve a real father figure in her life, not some guy obsessively chasing an estranged wife). Your wife is (would be) an adult who can and ultimately should take care of her own business. Theoretically speaking, you could do some good in your new daughter's life AND support her mother, not treat them like they're disposable while off on some grand quest to find your presumably soon-to-be-Ex wife.

Hypothetically.

Edited May 23, 2021 by mark clemson

[Miss Spider]

Someone seems a little skeptical

Edited May 23, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[AngeloLombardo]

15 hours ago, mark clemson said:

So they had just met, two dates, and she took out an order of protection against him? Wow, she sure works fast. Don't courts require real justification for an order of protection? And don't they work s-l-o-w-l-y, unfortunately.

 

This would show FAR, FAR too much focus on/chasing/caring about the wife you can't have, vs caring for a new daughter who is (would be) actually your responsibility AND who you should love. Who even thinks like this?

My advice to you would be to focus your attention on your daughter (who, after all, would deserve a real father figure in her life, not some guy obsessively chasing an estranged wife). Your wife is (would be) an adult who can and ultimately should take care of her own business. Theoretically speaking, you could do some good in your new daughter's life AND support her mother, not treat them like they're disposable while off on some grand quest to find your presumably soon-to-be-Ex wife.

Hypothetically.

I think I can Handle child support and fixing issues with my wife. Not sure where you from, but you can get served a Ex Partè THE SAME DAY! and there are plenty of no good people who LIE and get restraining orders. Don't need much proof, sometimes maybe a police report. 

[mark clemson]

Must be a very different jurisdiction indeed.

Quote

If the judge grants a hearing date to discuss the need for a Permanent Domestic Violence or Elder or Dependent Adult Abuse Restraining Order, it will be scheduled 21 to 25 days from the date you filed your paperwork.

Quote

When you go to court to apply for a restraining order, the clerk will give you a date, usually within three weeks, when you will have to come back to 

 

Edited May 23, 2021 by mark clemson

[mark clemson]

Perhaps she could file a temporary one in a shorter time. But why file a temporary one (that only lasts a few weeks) if he hasn't done enough to make it worth following up with filing a permanent one. And for THAT he has to have actually DONE something of significance. Temporary ones really don't do much.

There are other things too, such as why is she going out on dates with men if she's not interested in sleeping with anyone since she's still married. How would you even know WHAT her attitude was if you haven't been in touch with her at all?

Sorry, but for me this is simply not adding up.

Edited May 23, 2021 by mark clemson