I cheated on my wife and destroyed her life. I want her back

[AngeloLombardo]

I cheated on my wife with a family friend. The other woman became pregnant, her husband confronted me about the affair and pregnancy and of course my wife found out. The affair was ongoing for about a year. I didn't have anything but sexual feelings towards the woman. She's very beautiful physically. It was purely sexual on my part. I loved my wife, I felt guilty about the affair, but I was weak. I couldn't stop. The sex with the other woman was great. But sex with wife was better, I loved her, I made love to wife. I just got off with this other woman. I know it's terrible to say. My wife left me when the affair came out. Learning I was having a baby with another woman, crushed her. My wife packed her things and she was gone when I returned from work the next day. I learned she left the state!!! For months I tried to contact her, nothing. Finally. A mutual friend reached out to me. He was concerned. He knew she left me,but his wife was in touch with my wife. My wife became involved with a man. She tried to end it with him, because she felt it was inappropriate because she was still married. This man, wouldn't take no for an answer. He continued to stalk her. He ignored a order of protection she had against him. He ended up raping her and beating her up and shooting her. She was on life support, not expected to survive. This was March 2020. She did make it. She's okay now. Well, considering. I have a address for where my wife lives. I need to see her, I have to make this right. We're still married. I take all the blame for Everything that has happened. If I was a good husband. She wouldn't have been put through the pain I put her through. She is a good woman, she doesn't deserve anything that has happened. She was nothing but a good wife. It kills me to think of her getting raped. I'm sure she was terrified. She was alone. Being shot???? I have nightmares about it. She wouldn't have ever been out, dating if I had just kept my Dick in my pants. I now have a daughter with a woman I don't even love. The woman I love is alone, I destroyed her. I want her back but. I think I broke us beyond repair. My wife has no family. No one but me. So she's alone. I have tried to reach out to her, no success. I do have her address but, I don't know if I should show up at her place. I need closure. I want to fix this. I'm still in love with my wife. I miss her. I worry sick for her. I ask about her through the mutual friend who told me about everything that happened. But I promised I wouldn't disclose that he had told me anything. So I am stuck.  Still her husband, I want to just go to her. But I don't want to make things worse. Apparently she works from her home. She's in contact with the mutual friend. She's alone and still reeling from the rape and attempted murder and the loss of our marriage. I just need some advice. What can I do? I know I f***ed up. I'm Ashamed as F*** . But I need her to know that she's not alone. That I'm sorry and I am so in love with her still. I'm losing my mind here. Please help.

Edited May 18, 2021 by AngeloLombardo

[hippychick3]

All you can do is send the message through the friend that you are extremely remorseful, still love her, and will be there for her if and when she ever needs you. And then get some kind of therapy to find out why you’d sacrifice something so valuable for strictly sexual reasons and to deal with your own pain over the ramifications of all this.

Do not harass her or show up to her house. You need to respect her boundaries. The fact that you are suffering is not her problem. And your presence may cause her to suffer even more than she already is. 

[AngeloLombardo]

17 minutes ago, hippychick3 said:

All you can do is send the message through the friend that you are extremely remorseful, still love her, and will be there for her if and when she ever needs you. And then get some kind of therapy to find out why you’d sacrifice something so valuable for strictly sexual reasons and to deal with your own pain over the ramifications of all this.

Do not harass her or show up to her house. You need to respect her boundaries. The fact that you are suffering is not her problem. And your presence may cause her to suffer even more than she already is. 

I agree. Thank You. Your right. I have been getting counseling. It has opened my mind to what I did. The fact that she was hurt almost killed by my actions. It just kills me. I won't do anything to make it worse for her. 

[mark clemson]

Quite the story. So if your wife was raped and shot, have you gotten the police involved. Seems like a logical first step.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, AngeloLombardo said:

My wife packed her things and she was gone when I returned from work the next day. I learned she left the state. I have a address for where my wife lives

Contact an attorney to discuss your divorce options. Perhaps she doesn't have the money to divorce you.

Is she with friends/family?

Do not stalk her or simply show up. Does she have a restraining order against you as well?

Do you have children? Will you be paying child support for the affair child?

[AngeloLombardo]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Contact an attorney to discuss your divorce options. Perhaps she doesn't have the money to divorce you.

Is she with friends/family?

Do not stalk her or simply show up. Does she have a restraining order against you as well?

Do you have children? Will you be paying child support for the affair child?

I don't want a divorce. That's the last thing I want. She and I do not have children together. I do support the baby from my affair.  I have joint custody of the child. My wife doesn't have any family.  They're all in Italy. I just want her back. I will respect her boundaries. I don't want to hurt her anymore than I already have. She's been through enough.

[AngeloLombardo]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Quite the story. So if your wife was raped and shot, have you gotten the police involved. Seems like a logical first step.

Have I gotten the police involved????? Why would I get the Police involved? When she was attacked they got involved. I didn't know what happened until a week later. They caught the guy and put him in jail. I don't see any LOGIC in your  comment. 

[BaileyB]

There would be no going back if I was your wife. 

I’m sorry, I don’t think there is anything you can do. The only thing I may want from you is a handwritten apology. There would be nothing more you could say, I would be moving on with my own life.

[Alfano]

Quite the story. In legitimate factual situations where a cheater is posting about their guilt and the damage they've inflicted on their partner who now wants nothing to do with them, my advice is always the same.

Just leave her alone.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, AngeloLombardo said:

Have I gotten the police involved????? Why would I get the Police involved? When she was attacked they got involved.

Agree. You had nothing to do with this incident. Just step back and let her contact you in she needs to. 

[AngeloLombardo]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. You had nothing to do with this incident. Just step back and let her contact you in she needs to. 

I will/have stepped back. I just want her to know that I am here for her. I married her and brought her here from Sicily...No family. I just feel it's my obligations to make sure she is okay. This isn't her country. I'm her only family. I just want her to be okay. I will respect her choice if she wants a divorce.

[mark clemson]

Here is the advice I would give to someone in your situation:

- If you really want to locate her, hire a PI or skip tracer.

- The mutual friend would be another avenue - pressure him to reveal her whereabouts. Given the apparent exigency of her situation, there is a solid chance he will cave. You may need to promise him that you won't tell her it was him who revealed her location. (And that might be wise so he can continue to keep some level of tabs on her, as it's unlikely IMO you'll be getting back together.)

- Just as she didn't make your choices for you, you didn't make choices for HER. It was her decision to be with this other person who ended up doing these things. While you may feel guilty, from a rational perspective these were HER choices that led to her current situation.

- Finally, as being pointed out above, just because you find her doesn't mean that she'll want you back. There are those in the world who react very strongly to cheating. C'est la vie.

[dramafreezone]

I don't think there is anything you can do.  Even tthough the actions during your marriage were reprehensible, you don't have anything to do with what happened afterward.  If she doesn't want your help then that's that.  She's an adult, she has to want your assistance for her to use it.

[AngeloLombardo]

I agree. I know I cannot change her mind. I respect her decision. I guess I just feel so terrible for the pain I've caused. She's Italian and has No one but me and my family here in the states, I just have always been so protective of her. It's not about control. I love her. I would do anything to fix what I broke. But if she doesn't want it. I understand.  

[AngeloLombardo]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

I would never forgive someone who caused so much trauma, and sure as Hell wouldn't ever trust them again. The woman you had the affair with, she's a cockroach. To allow herself to become pregnant to another woman's husband is one of the lowest things a woman can do, (and please don't use religion or "values" as an excuse, that always makes me laugh - "I can bang someone else's husband but I can't terminate a pregnancy because it's against my religion or my saint-like values" - it's the biggest crock of crap used by conniving females).  Thing is, if you really loved your wife you would never have been able to carry on like that in the first place. I think you want her back because you think it would absolve your guilt, but it wouldn't, even if she forgave you, you would still be the person who changed the course of her life by subjecting her to two of the greatest traumas that could happen to a woman. I sincerely hope she can recover from all of this one day and find happiness with someone worthy of her. Your affair partner - hopefully she gets hit by one of those trucks that pumps out sewer tanks - they'd be flat out trying to identify her remains among all the other $hit. 

Her body her choice. I had no choice in the matter of her having the baby. I'm pro choice, but the child is here and I am man enough to take care of my responsibility. I don't sent In a terrible person for what I did. But don't question my love for my wife. I own the fact I f***ed up. I take all the responsibility for what happened to her. Of course. If I was a good husband she would have been home, safe. Not living alone and being stalked by a man who raped and tried to kill her because she didn't want him. Yes. I know it's all my fault. But I love her. I don't know if I deserve another chance, but I won't give up trying until she gives me a hard NO.

[AngeloLombardo]

6 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Here is the advice I would give to someone in your situation:

- If you really want to locate her, hire a PI or skip tracer.

- The mutual friend would be another avenue - pressure him to reveal her whereabouts. Given the apparent exigency of her situation, there is a solid chance he will cave. You may need to promise him that you won't tell her it was him who revealed her location. (And that might be wise so he can continue to keep some level of tabs on her, as it's unlikely IMO you'll be getting back together.)

- Just as she didn't make your choices for you, you didn't make choices for HER. It was her decision to be with this other person who ended up doing these things. While you may feel guilty, from a rational perspective these were HER choices that led to her current situation.

- Finally, as being pointed out above, just because you find her doesn't mean that she'll want you back. There are those in the world who react very strongly to cheating. C'est la vie.

Thank You for the advice. I appreciate it. Yes, I have asked my friend to help me out. He has agreed to. Which I greatly appreciate as well. I'm not just out to win back my wife, I just need her to know I'm here. We are still very much married. I know we both made our own choices. She was so innocent in hers. She didn't have a ongoing relationship with this man. They had two dates, he wanted it to turn sexual after two dates!!! She refused because she's married. He's not well, Because he reacted the way he did. As I have said before in other comments. If she wants a divorce I will respect her wishes.

[AngeloLombardo]

24 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Yeah, sorry, I'm questioning it big time. To love someone you have to respect them, and you can't sneak around behind the back of someone you respect because empathy doesn't allow for it, and I don't think you possess empathy, it comes across in your original post. You cannot expect you ex-wife to accept that you made a kid with a cockroach, it's so unfair of you to even ask.  The cockroaches husband must be pretty peeved too. 

Hmmm. Okay I don't know how to respond.

[Indigo Night]

You impregnated a woman who was not your wife, but claim to be a good husband. Interesting way to define being a "good" husband. You might love her, but a good husband you are not.

Let her go! She knows how to contact you, but hasn't. Take the hint, and move on 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, AngeloLombardo said:

I just need her to know I'm here. We are still very much married. I 

Have your attorney contact her if she won't speak to you.

[AngeloLombardo]

3 hours ago, Indigo Night said:

You impregnated a woman who was not your wife, but claim to be a good husband. Interesting way to define being a "good" husband. You might love her, but a good husband you are not.

Let her go! She knows how to contact you, but hasn't. Take the hint, and move on 

Never Claimed to be a good husband. I said she was always a good wife.

[AngeloLombardo]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have your attorney contact her if she won't speak to you.

I have to think about that. I have been trying to figure all this out since a mutual friend told me about her situation. I received a call from her brother, he lives in Rome. He is very concerned about her too. I just found out that she has a baby boy. He's 4 or 5 months old. She didn't tell anyone about the baby. So this is crazy if she's with another man...I don't know how to handle this. I promised to not pry into her business. If it was conceived through the rape....I'm going to die.

[Indigo Night]

46 minutes ago, AngeloLombardo said:

Never Claimed to be a good husband. I said she was always a good wife.

It was late, and I misread that in your post. My mistake. 

My advice is still the same, let her go. After the nightmare she has endured she still hasn't reached out to you. It speaks volumes! 

Stop trying to be the husband your estranged wife no longer wants, and focus on being a good father. Children deserve nothing less.

 

[Miss Spider]

Dam I feel really terrible for your wife... I would leave her alone for now ... I know it’s hard but it’s probably the right thing to do 

[AngeloLombardo]

21 minutes ago, Indigo Night said:

It was late, and I misread that in your post. My mistake. 

My advice is still the same, let her go. After the nightmare she has endured she still hasn't reached out to you. It speaks volumes! 

Stop trying to be the husband your estranged wife no longer wants, and focus on being a good father. Children deserve nothing less.

 

It's ok I do focus on the child.  I received a call from her brother, he lives in Rome. He is very concerned about her too. I just found out that she has a baby boy. He's 4 or 5 months old. She didn't tell anyone about the baby.  So this is crazy if she's with another man...I don't know how to handle this. I promised to not pry into her business. If it was conceived through the rape. IDK. I guess that is why she is avoiding me. She has a baby to focus on. I will respect her wishes and leave her alone.

[AngeloLombardo]

Thanks for the advice everyone.I received a call from her brother, he lives in Rome, Italy. He is very concerned about her too, she has been very distant with him, and they're close!  I just found out that my wife has a baby boy. He's 4 or 5 months old? Noone knows for sure. She didn't tell anyone about the baby.  So this is crazy if she's with another man...I don't know how to handle this. She needs to ask me for a divorce?! No!!!

I'm reeling from the news. She wanted a baby for so long...I f***ed up. I really f***ED UP. But... I promised to not pry into her business. If it was conceived through the rape, I think I will die. I suspect it was. The timeline seems right