Adingear Posted May 16, 2021 Posted May 16, 2021 We were laughing in my room about her shaking off a sheet and a cockroach flying into my mouth and I continued with saying something like “imagine a roach coming out of your mouth” and I went into a little more detail can’t remember what. Anyways, as I was ending the joke she got all quiet and wasn’t saying much so I asked what’s wrong and I was getting a response and she ended up saying she’s going home and I was so confused. I tried to ask what was wrong a couple more times but got nothing out of her and she drove home at like 1am. I tried calling and texting but all I got was her saying basically “you know what you said”.. the next day I called her and asked what did I say that made you so upset? At this point she seemed over it and she said “why are you acting like you don’t know what you said?” Then she went on and told me you said “a cockroach wouldn’t want to be in your mouth.”... (she has a huge insecurity about her tooth that is decaying, she won’t even kiss me because she’s so insecure about her breath lately.) I stopped her right away and got emotionally and said “I DID NOT SAY THAT.” I tried telling her I would never and I have never joked about something like that in my life and she said she was surprised too. She said we could get passed this and she’d forgive me but she won’t be able to forget something like that. I kept telling her I didn’t say it and we started arguing her telling me I’m gaslighting her and making her think she’s crzy even though all I said was “I didn’t say that, you must’ve misheard it.” I’m mature when it comes to controlling myself but I was just shocked that she thinks I said something like that. I told her that I will never admit to that. I told her that if I ever really said something like that she should dump me instantly. Right after I said that she said GRREAT NOW YOU WANT TO BREAKUP. She ended up saying that I have a memory problem and need to seek help and broke up with me on the phone.. I’m so confused because idk what to do. We’ve been together for over 2 years and I’ve never joked like that so idk why she’s so certain that I said what she thinks I said. We don’t argue or fight much. I’ve been able to always keep my composure and control everything. But this I can’t ignore. I’m innocent. Idk what to do or what to say to her now.. this is all still fresh. Happened last night.
Wiseman2 Posted May 16, 2021 Posted May 16, 2021 Sorry to say but if you are arguing about cockroaches and who remembers who said what it's time to rethink this relationship. Were either of you drinking? Maybe she was disgusted by your insect infestation and simply left?
Acacia98 Posted May 16, 2021 Posted May 16, 2021 (edited) Assuming you're right and you didn't actually say that, I'd say she wanted out. If it wasn't this it would have been something else. Maybe her insecurity is so high that she believes no one can love her as she is. So she will see evidence that you don't love her all over the place even if you love her truly and deeply. It's one of the says in which deeply insecure people self-sabotage. Or maybe she had another reason for wanting out and this little incident gave her a convenient out. Edited May 16, 2021 by Acacia98 1
d0nnivain Posted May 16, 2021 Posted May 16, 2021 You dodged a bullet. The fact that she played the "read my mind" game & wouldn't directly communicate with you for almost 24 hours is a gigantic problem. You probably didn't say what she accused you of saying but due to her insecurity it is what she heard. On top of that if she is so freaked out about her decaying tooth, she needs to get to a dentist, not live in misery. Before you give me some song & dance about the lack of funds, dental schools have clinics where someone without insurance can get treated very cheaply. She's not in a head space to be a good partner. 7
ShyViolet Posted May 16, 2021 Posted May 16, 2021 (edited) How old is she, a teenager? She sounds very immature. How could you have this little trust in your relationship after being together for two years? For you to swear you didn't say that, (or mean it that way) and for her to not believe you and not be able to have a discussion with you about this like a rational adult? She sounds kind of crazy. Either that, or she wanted to break up with you anyway and she's using this as an excuse. Edited May 16, 2021 by ShyViolet
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 16, 2021 Posted May 16, 2021 I don't get why she just doesn't fix the tooth. It is a 30 minute dental appointment - why even create insecurity over something so simple? 2
Andy_K Posted May 16, 2021 Posted May 16, 2021 For any relationship to work, you both need to be able to let little things slide. There will always be occasions where the two of you remember things differently, or disagree on something. Are they really worth having arguments or breaking up over? Also, if cockroach jokes are happening, you should probably clean your room... 5
Art.at.Heart Posted May 16, 2021 Posted May 16, 2021 (edited) 17 hours ago, Adingear said: I told her that if I ever really said something like that she should dump me instantly. Right after I said that she said GRREAT NOW YOU WANT TO BREAKUP. She ended up saying that I have a memory problem and need to seek help and broke up with me on the phone.. I’m so confused because idk what to do. Either you two have some serious communication issues or she was looking for an out. I'm leaning toward the latter in this case. Edited May 16, 2021 by Art.at.Heart spelling 2
kendahke Posted May 16, 2021 Posted May 16, 2021 Let her go and embrace her tooth insecurity on someone else's time. This is BS. 1
Ami1uwant Posted May 16, 2021 Posted May 16, 2021 This is odd much bigger issues in her communication and insecurity.
spiderowl Posted May 17, 2021 Posted May 17, 2021 (edited) If you didn't say it and she misunderstood, then there's not much you can do. She has broken up with you. It could be she would have broken up with you anyway and this was just a convenient 'opportunity' so to speak. If you are sure that what you said could not have easily been misunderstood, then you just need to accept that she's decided to opt out of the relationship for a false idea or whatever. I can imagine that is very painful and that you feel very aggrieved at being misjudged. If what you said could have been misunderstood, then I would tell her that you are sorry that there has been a horrible misunderstanding and you did not intend it the way she interpreted it, then leave it at that. If she refuses to look at it any differently, there's not much you can do. Just out of interest, has she ever behaved like this before? Did she seem upset at losing you when you spoke with her the next day? If she hasn't behaved liked this before, then it is very strange and she is clearly very sensitive about her mouth at the moment. I would think it is possible that you have made other comments that have hurt her and this is the final straw; in other words, this has been building for some time. Edited May 17, 2021 by spiderowl
basil67 Posted May 17, 2021 Posted May 17, 2021 14 hours ago, Eternal Sunshine said: I don't get why she just doesn't fix the tooth. It is a 30 minute dental appointment - why even create insecurity over something so simple? Lack of health insurance to help cover the cost would be the most common reason people don't get much needed treatment.
elaine567 Posted May 17, 2021 Posted May 17, 2021 2 hours ago, basil67 said: Lack of health insurance to help cover the cost would be the most common reason people don't get much needed treatment. Or a fear of dental treatment. Some people will put up with horrendous pain and suffering from bad teeth/gums as they are terrified of going to the dentist. 1
smackie9 Posted May 17, 2021 Posted May 17, 2021 (edited) My perspective, she is increasingly stressed over her tooth issue, so much so she mentally flipped the meaning of what you said. It was all in her head and that can happen. I think when she cools off she will come around. You need to stop digging in your heels and apologize anyways. You don't admit to it, just say sorry if she heard what she heard, that it was never your intention to hurt her. Dentists are aware that some patients don't have the finances, so many do offer payment plans. So if she can put gas in her car, she can get that tooth fixed. Help her out, find a dentist for her and see what her payment options are. Edited May 17, 2021 by smackie9
Author Adingear Posted May 19, 2021 Author Posted May 19, 2021 On 5/16/2021 at 5:23 PM, spiderowl said: If you didn't say it and she misunderstood, then there's not much you can do. She has broken up with you. It could be she would have broken up with you anyway and this was just a convenient 'opportunity' so to speak. If you are sure that what you said could not have easily been misunderstood, then you just need to accept that she's decided to opt out of the relationship for a false idea or whatever. I can imagine that is very painful and that you feel very aggrieved at being misjudged. If what you said could have been misunderstood, then I would tell her that you are sorry that there has been a horrible misunderstanding and you did not intend it the way she interpreted it, then leave it at that. If she refuses to look at it any differently, there's not much you can do. Just out of interest, has she ever behaved like this before? Did she seem upset at losing you when you spoke with her the next day? If she hasn't behaved liked this before, then it is very strange and she is clearly very sensitive about her mouth at the moment. I would think it is possible that you have made other comments that have hurt her and this is the final straw; in other words, this has been building for some time. The next day I called her and she seemed fine but as soon as I brought it up we got in an argument with her saying she knows what she heard and that I was either so tired I don’t remember or I need to seek help. She ended up hanging up on me out of anger. I told her I’d leave the stuff in my front seat of car and when she came by she only picked up the flask and left the pillow. I didn’t talk to her for 48 hours and I just sent a text a few hours ago saying I was sorry about putting her through this and that I love and care about her but wasn’t okay with her breaking up so easily with me. I have never said anything mean to her ever. I know to never joke about something like that And she knows that. I brought that up to her and she agrees that it wasn’t of me. But she still knows for a fact I said it. She said she was so shocked and couldn’t believe it herself. it just sucks because I’m in a shitty situation and this came out of absolutely no where. She definitely broke up with me out of emotion in the moment because she wanted to get passed it but I was the one who brought it up again trying to defend myself because I didn’t want her to put this against me in the future
Author Adingear Posted May 19, 2021 Author Posted May 19, 2021 On 5/16/2021 at 9:20 AM, Andy_K said: For any relationship to work, you both need to be able to let little things slide. There will always be occasions where the two of you remember things differently, or disagree on something. Are they really worth having arguments or breaking up over? Also, if cockroach jokes are happening, you should probably clean your room... I’ve never had this happen in a relationship. We’ve been together for over 2 years. Usually I stop an argument in its tracks but this one is just so hard to live with because it didn’t happen. Imagine your gf or wife who you love so much swears you said something so messed up to the point she starts crying. What would you do?
Wiseman2 Posted May 19, 2021 Posted May 19, 2021 8 hours ago, Adingear said: she came by she only picked up the flask and left the pillow. Sorry this happened but at some level you knew it was a long time coming and this was just the final straw. You need to stop contacting her. Give her space. You two argue too much and you know that. Even if you keep shutting her down, it doesn't mean you're not arguing, it means "shut up" and that's why she's gone No contact for now. Let the dust settle. Reflect in peace on what all the fighting is about Flask? Is she a heavy drinker? Is that what the dental problems are about? 1
Author Adingear Posted May 19, 2021 Author Posted May 19, 2021 7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this happened but at some level you knew it was a long time coming and this was just the final straw. You need to stop contacting her. Give her space. You two argue too much and you know that. Even if you keep shutting her down, it doesn't mean you're not arguing, it means "shut up" and that's why she's gone No contact for now. Let the dust settle. Reflect in peace on what all the fighting is about Flask? Is she a heavy drinker? Is that what the dental problems are about? Hydroflask lol. To keep water cool. We don’t argue much actually. Maybe once a month but it’s over something small. This is by far the worst argument in 2 years. I don’t feel like she would’ve broken up with me if I didn’t mention breaking up or kept the argument going. My last text to her was about 20 hours ago telling her I was sorry and still wanted to be with her, but I truly have no recollection of me saying anything like that. She texted me back 14 hours ago telling me she’s going to think about everything. 1
smackie9 Posted May 19, 2021 Posted May 19, 2021 Dude....take my advice, and this will all go away. Stop digging your heels in and let her have this one...egad.
Miss Spider Posted May 19, 2021 Posted May 19, 2021 (edited) On 5/15/2021 at 8:12 PM, Adingear said: shaking off a sheet and a cockroach flying in my mouth Tell her you guys have way bigger problems than this petty **** right now. Call terminex Edited May 19, 2021 by Cookiesandough
dramafreezone Posted May 19, 2021 Posted May 19, 2021 (edited) On 5/15/2021 at 5:12 PM, Adingear said: We were laughing in my room about her shaking off a sheet and a cockroach flying into my mouth and I continued with saying something like “imagine a roach coming out of your mouth” and I went into a little more detail can’t remember what. Anyways, as I was ending the joke she got all quiet and wasn’t saying much so I asked what’s wrong and I was getting a response and she ended up saying she’s going home and I was so confused. I tried to ask what was wrong a couple more times but got nothing out of her and she drove home at like 1am. I tried calling and texting but all I got was her saying basically “you know what you said”.. the next day I called her and asked what did I say that made you so upset? At this point she seemed over it and she said “why are you acting like you don’t know what you said?” Then she went on and told me you said “a cockroach wouldn’t want to be in your mouth.”... (she has a huge insecurity about her tooth that is decaying, she won’t even kiss me because she’s so insecure about her breath lately.) I stopped her right away and got emotionally and said “I DID NOT SAY THAT.” I tried telling her I would never and I have never joked about something like that in my life and she said she was surprised too. She said we could get passed this and she’d forgive me but she won’t be able to forget something like that. I kept telling her I didn’t say it and we started arguing her telling me I’m gaslighting her and making her think she’s crzy even though all I said was “I didn’t say that, you must’ve misheard it.” I’m mature when it comes to controlling myself but I was just shocked that she thinks I said something like that. I told her that I will never admit to that. I told her that if I ever really said something like that she should dump me instantly. Right after I said that she said GRREAT NOW YOU WANT TO BREAKUP. She ended up saying that I have a memory problem and need to seek help and broke up with me on the phone.. I’m so confused because idk what to do. We’ve been together for over 2 years and I’ve never joked like that so idk why she’s so certain that I said what she thinks I said. We don’t argue or fight much. I’ve been able to always keep my composure and control everything. But this I can’t ignore. I’m innocent. Idk what to do or what to say to her now.. this is all still fresh. Happened last night. Your reaction just feed into all of this. If you'd just dismissed it then it would've gone away. IMO this whole thing is driven by this tooth issue. She thinks you'll break up with her so she's doing it first to avoid that pain. Sit back and leave her be, she'll be back. Or maybe not and someone else can deal with her. Edited May 19, 2021 by dramafreezone 2
Kyra Posted June 2, 2021 Posted June 2, 2021 I hope things are better now. I have had numerous fights with my boyfriend, all put down to misunderstandings. Mostly what happens is he says something hurtful and I get terribly upset. Then he says he didn't say that and says I heard it wrong or I am just taking it in a negative way. I'm glad he didn't mean what I thought he did, but I don't like that he seems to blame me for misunderstanding him. It's never his fault for carelessly saying something that can only be taken as hurtful. Which means it keeps happening because he will not watch what he says. It sounds like while defending yourself, she feels like you are blaming her and perhaps disbelieving her. In such situations it would be best to acknowledge that while you would never mean what she heard, you must have said something that sounded like that, and you are sorry for the misunderstanding. Do not blame her for misunderstanding or mishearing.
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