Author In Sync Posted October 18, 2005 Author Share Posted October 18, 2005 I actually teared up tonight as I was walking back home, because I realized my memories were distorting the reality of that relationship. But what caused my tears was the thought that you guys (m/f) have the capacity to offer your advise and compassion no matter how when and how I confess my moments of weakness...everyone of you have no shortage of this beautiful generosity...so explain to me the question. HOW DID WE DRAW THESE NARCISSISTIC or SELFISH EX'S IN OUR LIFE? How is it possible that here we connect, read some of our most crushing experiences and have made virtyually no judgement to one another and yet we've each have drawn these insensitive thoughtless people in our lives. Is it some miscalculation of cosmic forces... sorry folks I hit the submit twice!! Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 they need people like us. they need loving kind caring people who also may have a need to help too much and throw in some low self esteem and you have the perfect companion for them. its about boundaries and we generally are trusting folk and they need that because their lives are about stretching boundaries. In addition, someone with strong boundaries and strong self esteem who demands real love and affection AND proper behavior from a partner isn't going to tolerate these people for very long. So actually we are perfect mates for them, that is, until we catch on to their game and how its played. And it takes us LONGER to do that. That's why its so imperative that we work on ourselves and figure out why we accept these kind of folks in our day to day lives. They are always going to be on the lookout for people LIKE us. We just have to be ready for the NEXT one that comes along. ;-) regards Link to post Share on other sites
JohnJohn Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 HOW DID WE DRAW THESE NARCISSISTIC or SELFISH EX'S IN OUR LIFE? Bendit said it perfectly. Good post. We all have something that the Narcissist needs. Perhaps some of it is a little co-dependency or submissiveness. I know I tend to be real caring and probably more forgiving that I should be and also I let my boundaries be encroached every now and then. We do have to look at outselves deeper and correct this so it won't happen again. I am taking it as a learning experience instead of asking "why did it happen to me"? I did that at first, but as you progress in your healing you will come around to this...the learning phase. I believe people come into and out of our lives for a reason, whether it's someone we meet once and never see again or someone long-term. Each one is preparing ouselves for something better. It's hard to go through this, but we will be better off in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 john-that made me feel better. Maybe God is preparing me for "the one". HE is getting the wrong one out to make room for the real love of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnJohn Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 john-that made me feel better. Maybe God is preparing me for "the one". HE is getting the wrong one out to make room for the real love of my life. Yes that's a good way to look at it. That's how I am approaching it. Unfortunately we all have to go through some tough times to learn. But that will make you appreciate "The One" that much more when you do find him. I suppose the old saying "nothing good worth having ever comes easy" applies as well. Link to post Share on other sites
GettingOverHim Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 Oh can I tell you guys about the silent treatment. My ex was a PRO at this! If his intent was to drive me nuts by ignoring me and not returning my phone calls - it worked. Drove me to dump him! Lack of respect was a HUGE factor in my breakup along with his silent treatments. Guys let me tell you what a deal killer the silent treatment is - never use it against anyone unless you want them out of your life! And memories - believe it or not, no matter how mean someone treated you in your past relationship, somehow the brain tortures us with remembering only the good things. You gotta think hard to remember why you broke up with that person. Why is that? Same thing with me - I actually miss the dirt wad who treated me like crap. I don't get it. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted October 19, 2005 Share Posted October 19, 2005 mine did the silent treatment and it killed me!!! And if you figure out why our minds go back to good times, let me know!!!!!! I hate that! Link to post Share on other sites
JohnJohn Posted October 19, 2005 Share Posted October 19, 2005 mine did the silent treatment and it killed me!!! And if you figure out why our minds go back to good times, let me know!!!!!! I hate that! Ditto here. Ex used silent treatment as her weapon of choice. It worked briefly, but it was what made me realize I had to get out. Remember that the silent treatment is about power...the power they want to have over you to control you. Power play and controlling behavior should not exist in a healthy relationship. We need to all remind ourselves of that. It's normal to be nostalgic and miss the good times. But the good times were mostly an act...an act to hook us to them and it worked. But we have the power now to stay away. Counter the memories of the good times with the bad. A person is only as good as their worse moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted October 19, 2005 Author Share Posted October 19, 2005 Boy do I remember the silent treatment!..he'd disappear for days switch his cell off and if I dared ask about it (but I would take the passive approach and phrase it in the question...Did I do something wrong? Or are you angry....that would trigger off a litany of names. You're paranoid or I'm sick of you asking...why are you asking that??!! well gee, I was thinking it's strange that he would not talk to me or send me a hello or something for days. That lead me to feel guilty because maybe I was demanding too much...When you are involved with the tactical manipulators you're basically trying to figure out which way is up. Lately I have been letting go of the good memories because as I'm exploring what was happening to me in that relationship I realized I had suppressed alot of the bad memories. I buried the bad memories in order to justify staying with him. How else could I be with such an appalling person if I really looked at what I actually had with him. Nothing. I clung to the good memories even if the relationship because I was determined he couldn't possibly be so cold, and umemoathetic, so whenever he did display normal behavior of kindness, I built that up as "Oh we had a good time didn't we." I kept doing this in order to hang on to a made up relationship in my mind. The longer I have been out of contact (face to face..because his feeble e-mails are just bird droppings and meaningless now) the stronger I feel. And my altered state is slowly melting away. I was with a classic Narcissist so my mind was as distorted as one could get be with one. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnJohn Posted October 19, 2005 Share Posted October 19, 2005 The longer I have been out of contact (face to face..because his feeble e-mails are just bird droppings and meaningless now) the stronger I feel. And my altered state is slowly melting away. I was with a classic Narcissist so my mind was as distorted as one could get be with one. Welcome aboard the boat where we, the victims of the Narcissist now reside. It's amazing how much things come into better focus the more time goes by. When I was in the relationship of course I knew something was wrong and that I had to get out but it wasn't until after (now at 6o days NC) that it became so clear. That reinforces in my mind that the end of the relationship was for the best Mental distortion is what they excel at. Let's pat ourselves on the back for at least getting out while we could. Otherwise it would only get worse with time had we stayed. Instead of posting on here, if it went any longer, I'd have probably have had to to commit myself to a mental institution. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted October 20, 2005 Share Posted October 20, 2005 Boy do I remember the silent treatment!..he'd disappear for days switch his cell off and if I dared ask about it (but I would take the passive approach and phrase it in the question...Did I do something wrong? Or are you angry....that would trigger off a litany of names. You're paranoid or I'm sick of you asking...why are you asking that??!! well gee, I was thinking it's strange that he would not talk to me or send me a hello or something for days. That lead me to feel guilty because maybe I was demanding too much... I buried the bad memories in order to justify staying with him. How else could I be with such an appalling person if I really looked at what I actually had with him. Nothing. I clung to the good memories even if the relationship because I was determined he couldn't possibly be so cold, and umemoathetic, so whenever he did display normal behavior of kindness, I built that up as "Oh we had a good time didn't we." I kept doing this in order to hang on to a made up relationship in my mind. It is amazing how I feel all these things you just wrote. Iwould not hear from himand then text him that I was sorry for whatever I did and then start to reread old emails to him to see if I said something wrong? analyze our last conversation to think if I said something to offend him . a normal man would write back SOMETHING...not him.....just let me hurt! And cry...ugh I am in denial I think. We all may be or have been at one point.....I take the good and think that is him...in reality.....I let everything slide...lies, hurtful actions, etc and took his sweet times and blew them up to be things they were not. I build it all up in my head....how sad. I am in love with a man who does not exist....he is my imaginary man. The one I wanted him to be. How do these people get off on hurting us? I am kinda scared to receive the next contact from him, but it helps me to see that, yes , I will be excited to hear from him as an instant reaction(only becasue that means to me he cares) but in reality, I know I cannot give in again. I have to break this cycle. He will be shocked, hell, I will be shocked to not take the same path I have for yrs now. Link to post Share on other sites
sundrop Posted October 20, 2005 Share Posted October 20, 2005 I am kinda scared to receive the next contact from him, but it helps me to see that, yes , I will be excited to hear from him as an instant reaction(only becasue that means to me he cares) but in reality, I know I cannot give in again. I have to break this cycle. He will be shocked, hell, I will be shocked to not take the same path I have for yrs now. Beth, I hope I am reading this wrong, that you think if he contacts you he still cares, that every little scrap he throws you means he cares? Please tell me I am redint hat wrong. Because you and I both know, that what ever little bit he throws at you is nothing other than a manpulative action to try to keep you strung along, just like the last text my ex sent me..... And I hope for your sake, if he evers does contact you, that you will be strong enough NOT to respond and take that different path than you have taken in the past. I REALLY do wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted October 20, 2005 Share Posted October 20, 2005 sundrop...i do not think that means he cares....but in the past I have....I know better now! Have you heard from yours since that random text? You never responded right? I have done a lot of constructive thinking today and I think I am going to be ok. I have to slip out of denial and into reality! Link to post Share on other sites
sundrop Posted October 20, 2005 Share Posted October 20, 2005 sundrop...i do not think that means he cares....but in the past I have....I know better now! Have you heard from yours since that random text? You never responded right? I have done a lot of constructive thinking today and I think I am going to be ok. I have to slip out of denial and into reality! Beth, I know you are going to be ok. Your a smart women, you just have a big heart like me and it's hard to let go sometimes, but as long as you keep moving in the direction you have been, you will be just fine. And when you met your knight and shinning armour, you will forget all this stuff. Nope, I have not heard a peep, since the last random text. Everyone thinks he was fishing to see how I would respond, to see if he still had me wrapped, but not a peep. I'm waiting to see what excuse he comes up with next, if he does. Link to post Share on other sites
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