In Sync Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 Ok, so I'm not really wanting him, but it's the memories of him that keep popping up in my thoughts. And then it snowballs. And low and behold after one too many thoughts I'm at this point... I'm thinking do I miss him? I know I know STOP thinking about him you say. But it's sort of like saying don't think about a pink elephant and you're thinking about that A BIG FAT PINK ELEPHANT. So I am thinking about the ex. And I feel ...dare I say it...empty now. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnJohn Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 I've been going through the same thing. Those good memories of my ex haunt me as well. Remember you are dealing with two people here - the person that they pretended to be and the person that they really are. You naturally miss the one that they pretended to be. Memories flood in. What has helped me is to keep reminding myself of the bad memories....the emotional abuse, the lies, etc.. After all, basically a person is only as good as their worse moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted October 17, 2005 Author Share Posted October 17, 2005 JohnJohn You're right about reminding myself over and over, and I do I keep a journal and when I really start idolizing I start recording those nasty moments and then I come back down to earth. It's totally unfair (I'm venting and pouting now) But isn't it unfair how we have to go through so much detoxing and rebuilding and gut wrenching soul searching to get over these people and they'll just bounce to some other person who'll be none the wiser and they get to have a grand bubbling time and the new person gets to have the good bits with the ex's. I wonder if his stripes will be the same with someone esle or was it only with me his demonic self came out? Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 think about it..they can't have the depth of feeling that we can have if they move on so easily. actually means that they never had it for US..it was an invention...a role they were playing. and they will continue to play this role that keeps them from feeling either real love or real hurt...It can't be very rewarding in the end...their feelings are all being papered over..but ultimately...their behaviour will have consequences for them, as all behaviour does...their actions will bear fruit. I won't be around to observe this denouement, however. ;-) regards Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 We all seem to land in the same theads! lol He will most likely be a charmer until he gets the new one and then he will be just how he was with you. Someone once told me that he will never treat anyone else any better than he treted me. I am struggling with memories too guys! I am not really sure how I am going to get closure. I still think of him all the time! I am sick of it really! part of the problem is I still love him. Or the "him" who sept me off my feet. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnJohn Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 I understand where you are coming from when you say that they are able to move on to the next one and we're still grieving and having a hard time with it. In the long run we will prevail because we will all learn from this and grow and be more successful in our next relationships. At least I hope that for all reading this. It's not a matter of who gets the next relationship first. I know it hurts to know that they moved on so fast. Take heed in the fact that their new relationship won't last. If it does, somehow the person they found is saddled with low-self esteem and doesn't mind being punished. Better them than you! The best revenge is living well and treating yourself well, not jumping into a rebound relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted October 17, 2005 Author Share Posted October 17, 2005 Great Insight and I love reading all your thoughts. I've had more in depth e-mail conversations with you guys than all the conversations I've had with him, so that already tells you what state that sorry relationship was in. I guess in this process of healing I don't feel the same. I'm always reflecting and pondering and wondering. I know I'm changing but it feels uncomfortable and sometimes the meories make me wish I was back to the old self and times. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnJohn Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 I've had more in depth e-mail conversations with you guys than all the conversations I've had with him, so that already tells you what state that sorry relationship was in. Ditto for me. Communicating with my ex was unbelievably difficult, which is when I realized the writing was on the wall for the relationship to eventually end. Communication is a must. I won't waste as much time as I did in this one ever again. Whether the ex is a narcissist or not, communicating to an emotionally abusive person is a lost cause. You would have better odds at convincing the Pope to become an atheist. The memories of the good times come back at certain times. Some days will be better than others. I am just about to two months now and I can tell you it has got better. What I believe is that these types of emotionally abouse people know they are not good at certain things, like communication and being emotionally intimate, so they make up for it by being overly charming to you in the beginning. This they think will make you stick around because you have already "fallen" for them. The abusive behavior starts after they realize that they have you hooked. They know the odds of you leaving them are less if you are committed to them and are emotionally involved. It's the whole pre-meditated thought process of this is what makes them dangerous folk to get involved with. Be strong and take one day at a time. It's worked for me so far. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 john How did you end it with her? Did she fight to get you back? I am not sure how I am going to handle my ex calling again. He will. He waits a while amnd then tells me he loves me and acts like nothing happened. He does this when I do not contact him and he thinks I have moved on. I think I need to just jump on LS and find you to convince me and remind me not to give in! Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 oh and ditto on the part where you guys said that you have had more in depth conv with LS then them...me too! I cannot even tell you how little this man cared, knew, or asked about my life. Too bad we all do not live closer together...we could all go out and have a NPD club-lol Someone on LS told me today to wake up and say it is going to be a good day! I am going to do that tomorrow. Today, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and had a bad day emotionally. I am amazed at how this man was my life and he did NOTHING for me! I can say that the last nice thing he did for me was 2 yrs ago! We were LD, so I have not even seen him (on a planned trip) for almost 10 months. How sad is that! I can tear him down as much as I built him up! At least I am trying! Link to post Share on other sites
JohnJohn Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 john How did you end it with her? Did she fight to get you back? I am not sure how I am going to handle my ex calling again. He will. He waits a while amnd then tells me he loves me and acts like nothing happened. He does this when I do not contact him and he thinks I have moved on. I think I need to just jump on LS and find you to convince me and remind me not to give in! Well I withdrew from her and didn't contact her for a few days. I needed time to think. She perceived this as a sign I wanted to breakup and returned some of my things she had borrowed and attached a letter saying all kinds of stuff that made her innocent and the Victim. I tried to call her and she dodged my calls and told me to e-mail her instead because she was too "deeply wounded" to talk to me. I e-mailed her and was real nice and told her I never wanted the relationship to end (although in my gut I did) but said if she wanted it to end then I would respect that. I gave her indifference, which I later read is what a narcissist hates the most because they are that way. I've never heard from her since and it's been about two months. I don't expect to and it's for the best. They always come back when they've sensed you have moved on. They wait long enough for you to forget the bad things they have done and for you to start to miss the good. Then they will contact you and act like nothing is wrong. Classic of a narcissist. They will expect that you have learned your lesson and will be excited to be with them once again. If you have learned your lesson, you will not answer that call! What's LS? Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 They always come back when they've sensed you have moved on. They wait long enough for you to forget the bad things they have done and for you to start to miss the good. Then they will contact you and act like nothing is wrong. Classic of a narcissist. They will expect that you have learned your lesson and will be excited to be with them once again. If you have learned your lesson, you will not answer that call! What's LS? LS is love shack-sorry I feel like he gives me the Silent treatment as a punishment..for what I have no idea? But you are right. He calls and acts all innocent and sweet. Luckily this time I will NOT forget why I am moving on! I think my last contact to him asking to see him was threatening or something. Or he knew he still had me and thought he did not have to charm me . Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted October 17, 2005 Author Share Posted October 17, 2005 What I believe is that these types of emotionally abouse people know they are not good at certain things, like communication and being emotionally intimate, so they make up for it by being overly charming to you in the beginning. This they think will make you stick around because you have already "fallen" for them. The abusive behavior starts after they realize that they have you hooked. They know the odds of you leaving them are less if you are committed to them and are emotionally involved. Wow...this is sooo true. I remember now.( I gave him slack due to the fact he was younger than I. He was tall good looking. I was cutting him slack because I've travelled and done more so I figured ok let him do the charm thing and it was indeed flattering. But as time went on...it was difficult to engage about political issues with him becoming defensive or crude and angry. That sarcastic british wit was just not funny anymore. He couldn't back up anything with facts. He rarely read any novels so literature was not something he was able to discuss either. Never mind talk about history or arts or emotional feelings. I didn't want to be a snob and judge him based on our cultural difference. I gave up on expecting that from him. I never challenged him because I didn't want to make him feel embarrassed. BUT He was damned good at the charm and sexy bits always had to look posh and attentative to his grooming, that was my drug which I became hook on. Hmmm. I did turn a blind eye to so many things about him and myself. wait we enjoyed movies..(ok... I was reaching to find what things we could talk about somewhat) Link to post Share on other sites
JohnJohn Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 Yes...the silent treatment is punishment. Punishment has no place in a healthy relationship. Both people should love and respect one another. This is what prompted me to separate from my ex. The silent treatment is also about power. They want you to sit and woder what it is that you have done wrong to them. Don't give in and ask them what's wrong. Walk away. Trust your gut. I think you know that this relationship is unhealthy and you know he won't change. The hard part is disconnecting your heart from your gut or brain. Breaking up is a process not an even. It takes time. I'm giving myself this advice as well and I know it's a lot easier said than done. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnJohn Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 BUT He was damned good at the charm and sexy bits always had to look posh and attentative to his grooming, that was my drug which I became hook on. Hmmm. I did turn a blind eye to so many things about him and myself. Of course he's good at it. My ex was too. In a sense, if you look at it this way, they are giving you a drug. They are drugging your mind, which I think is worse than a drug, like a pill or by someone using alchohol to get you drunk. At least getting drunk will only last a short time. Drugging (brainwashing if you will) a person's mind lasts a lot longer and is hell to recover from. Be strong. We're all in this together. Link to post Share on other sites
allaboutchoices Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 I am not sure how I am going to handle my ex calling again. He will. He waits a while amnd then tells me he loves me and acts like nothing happened. He does this when I do not contact him and he thinks I have moved on. I think I need to just jump on LS and find you to convince me and remind me not to give in! This has worked for me: I have changed my phone numbers. It's pretty recent, so we will see if he gets the message. Once I realized that I miss the times you HAD (it's so easy to forget the bad) but that I am better off being out of the relationship, I took all actions possible to not talk to him again. That helps with coping and healing faster. By doing that I took his power over me away from him, and believe me, it feels AMAZING! I actually laughed SOOO hard when I did it, I felt happy. It does take time, but you can always post here Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted October 17, 2005 Share Posted October 17, 2005 If/when I change my #, I will not get the satisfaction of knowing when he called and ignoring him.....but if i d not change it, I always crack and answer it. So I guess it is better to not know. my heart wants him to call and ride inon his white horse but my head knows better! Link to post Share on other sites
JohnJohn Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 I can relate to this. I would get some satisfaction out of my ex contacting as well. But I do not want her back, so I remind myself what's the point? I am trying to derive my satisfaction from healing, living well and being happy and not relying on contact from her to get it. It's tough but it's the best thing to do. Make a final decision as to if you want this person in your life. If not, cease all contact even if it means changing phone numbers, e-mails, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
allaboutchoices Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 The satisfaction I got was that I knew he called and I just picture the surprise he was in for. To me that is satisfaction because I have my power (I hate that world, we are talking about the ones we still love) back and moving on, I am safe from the temptation of picking up, and he doesn't have anything left but wondering. But like I said it did take me time to get here. I have felt exactly the same way you are feeling now. I guess whatever works for each person Link to post Share on other sites
ClassLady Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 Just curious, how do you know he called if you had the numbers changed? You probably just know him huh? lol Link to post Share on other sites
brooke7777 Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 I have been on a role the past few days and then I don't know what happened today, but the memories came flooding back. It's weird, I was thinking about starting a post about memories and then bam...here it is. I don't know what propeled me into this mode, but today I feel like I belong in the tv show Lost. I keep zoning out into flashbacks of memories with him...so many good times. It's so frustrating to have to live through this roller coaster of emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 I guess it is noraml to remember the good times. Afterall, that is probably whywe were with them right? I guess what we also have to examine is the bad parts too. For me, all I have to do is think about the LAST time he ever made me feel loved and the fact that it was a long long time ago is enough to let to good times fade a little. Link to post Share on other sites
allaboutchoices Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 Just curious, how do you know he called if you had the numbers changed? You probably just know him huh? lol Exactly . We have been on this path for a while now:mad: Emotional Roller-coaster has started to p**s me off. As it turned out I couldn't have been moving on because I kept in touch. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnJohn Posted October 18, 2005 Share Posted October 18, 2005 We've all heard the saying that "time heals all wounds". I believe that to an extent. You will never forget completely some things no matter how much time goes on. However, time more "rearranges" the memory so that you will get past it. The good time memories will fade eventually. Getting to that point is the hard part but it will come. Link to post Share on other sites
Author In Sync Posted October 18, 2005 Author Share Posted October 18, 2005 I actually teared up tonight as I was walking back home, because I realized my memories were distorting the reality of that relationship. But what caused my tears was the thought that you guys (m/f) have the capacity to offer your advise and compassion no matter how when and how I confess my moments of weakness...everyone of you have no shortage of this beautiful generoisity...so explain to me the question. HOW DID WE DRAW THESE NARCISSISTIC or SELFISH EX'S IN OUR LIFE? How is it possible that here we connect, read some of our most crushing experiences and have made virtyually no judgement to one another and yet we've each have drawn these insensitive thoughtless people in our lives. Is it some miscalculation of cosmic forces... Link to post Share on other sites
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