Butterfly97 Posted May 15, 2021 Posted May 15, 2021 I have a boyfriend for 3 years now (Will) and about 2 years ago a friend I'm very close to (Sam) said he used to be in love with me and after that we grew closer fisically and emotionally though we were both in a relationship with other people (we never cheated on our partenrs because we loved them and I don't think we were sure about what we felt for each other). We both knew we had some kind of feelings for each other even though we never said it out loud to anyone. Last year, before quarentine, I told him he wasn't indifferent to me and he said we shouldn't ruin our friendship, that we were fine that way. We are now in different colleges and I thought seeing him less was enough to forget what I feel (that I still can't understand)... but when I see him its like a wave of feelings all over again and I try so hard to fight it, I really do because I can't imagine my life without my boyfriend. My boyfriend has hurt me a lot in the last few years and I know Sam's girlfriend has hurt him too... and I think that is one of the reasons we grew closer to each other because we are different but at the same time we understand each other and support each other in every decision, if thats what makes the other happy. I don't know what to do about this, how to forget his existence. I tried to talk about this with a friend of mine who's like a sister to him and she said I should break up with my boyfriend and accept my feelings for Sam... but I can't do that, because one I don't now what the heck I feel and I don't think I can break up with Will... I'm a person who doesn't really like changes. What do you think I should do?
Wiseman2 Posted May 15, 2021 Posted May 15, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Butterfly97 said: I can't imagine my life without my boyfriend.. My boyfriend has hurt me a lot in the last few years Sorry this is happening. Do either of them attend your college? Are either of them from your hometown or where you spend time away from college? Regardless of your crush on your friend, you need to end it with the BF. Does the above statement make sense to you? Why stay with someone who "hurts you", then complain to a crush with the typical "my BF doesn't understand me" lines? Cheaters, emotionally and otherwise, usually rationalize this by claiming their partner is garbage, but alas they can't leave them. Just curious if either of your parents were cheaters/are divorced? Do you have a trusted adult you can talk to about leaving this BF who hurts you? Edited May 15, 2021 by Wiseman2 2
Miss Spider Posted May 15, 2021 Posted May 15, 2021 Dump the bf... and get with Sam or not but dump the bf ... too much drama 2
Author Butterfly97 Posted May 15, 2021 Author Posted May 15, 2021 8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. Do either of them attend your college? Are either of them from your hometown or where you spend time away from college? Regardless of your crush on your friend, you need to end it with the BF. Does the above statement make sense to you? Why stay with someone who "hurts you", then complain to a crush with the typical "my BF doesn't understand me" lines? Cheaters, emotionally and otherwise, usually rationalize this by claiming their partner is garbage, but alas they can't leave them. Just curious if either of your parents were cheaters/are divorced? Do you have a trusted adult you can talk to about leaving this BF who hurts you? First, thank you for trying to help me! Second, no, neither of them does but we are living in the same town. My boyfriend is my neighbor and Sam lives just a couple of blocks away from us. When I started thinking more about my "crush", I tried asking my boyfriend some time so I could think about the situation because I wasn't sure about my feelings for him and he said I had a metal disease and called me almost every name on the face of the earth and said if I wanted time he would break up with me... beeing afraid of regreting breaking up with him, I said I didn't want the time anymore. So what would happen if I broke up with him now? I understand what you are saying, if he hurts me as I say I should just cut him of my life. But I can't. I don't know if its habit, if its because I'm afraid of something but I just can't. I didn't complain to my "crush" about my relationship, I'm sorry if I wrote something wrong that made you think that. I never said to anyone how my bf treats me cause, like you, they would say that I should break up with him. What I meant when I said "and I think that is one of the reasons we grew closer to each other because we are different but at the same time we understand each other and support each other in every decision" was that our partners can be mean when we make some decision they don't like... for example, one week after I tried asking my boyfriend a time, a friend that was like a brother to me died and my boyfriend said I shouldn't go to the funeral because it wasn't good for me seeing the people I consider my familly, because I would make things worse for them. And when I said I was going to the funeral he just ignored that I was suffering, he ignored that my friend died and acted like nothing had happen. In the other hand, my "crush" was there for me, supported me, let me cry on his shoulder... that was what I meant with that phrase. Yes my parents are divorced but none of them are cheaters. And no I don't have an adult I can talk to about leaving my bf. 1
Author Butterfly97 Posted May 15, 2021 Author Posted May 15, 2021 10 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Dump the bf... and get with Sam or not but dump the bf ... too much drama Thank you for your help! And I know, its too much drama for me too... 2
FudgeSwirl Posted May 15, 2021 Posted May 15, 2021 Break-ups are very painful, but sometimes they are for the best. Breaking up with your boyfriend doesn't guarantee a relationship with Sam of course; Sam aside, your relationship with your boyfriend sounds very unhappy. There will be someone better out there for you, Sam or not.
Wiseman2 Posted May 15, 2021 Posted May 15, 2021 31 minutes ago, Butterfly97 said: I never said to anyone how my bf treats me cause, they would say that I should break up with him. Read up on abusive relationships. There's no reason for you to allow mistreatment. Get out now. You can also call domestic violence hotlines anonymously to talk to an adult about what abuse is. 1
usa1ah Posted May 15, 2021 Posted May 15, 2021 31 minutes ago, Butterfly97 said: First, thank you for trying to help me! Second, no, neither of them does but we are living in the same town. My boyfriend is my neighbor and Sam lives just a couple of blocks away from us. When I started thinking more about my "crush", I tried asking my boyfriend some time so I could think about the situation because I wasn't sure about my feelings for him and he said I had a metal disease and called me almost every name on the face of the earth and said if I wanted time he would break up with me... beeing afraid of regreting breaking up with him, I said I didn't want the time anymore. So what would happen if I broke up with him now? I understand what you are saying, if he hurts me as I say I should just cut him of my life. But I can't. I don't know if its habit, if its because I'm afraid of something but I just can't. I didn't complain to my "crush" about my relationship, I'm sorry if I wrote something wrong that made you think that. I never said to anyone how my bf treats me cause, like you, they would say that I should break up with him. What I meant when I said "and I think that is one of the reasons we grew closer to each other because we are different but at the same time we understand each other and support each other in every decision" was that our partners can be mean when we make some decision they don't like... for example, one week after I tried asking my boyfriend a time, a friend that was like a brother to me died and my boyfriend said I shouldn't go to the funeral because it wasn't good for me seeing the people I consider my familly, because I would make things worse for them. And when I said I was going to the funeral he just ignored that I was suffering, he ignored that my friend died and acted like nothing had happen. In the other hand, my "crush" was there for me, supported me, let me cry on his shoulder... that was what I meant with that phrase. Yes my parents are divorced but none of them are cheaters. And no I don't have an adult I can talk to about leaving my bf. Your Boyfriend doesn’t love you. If he did, he would have been there for you when you lost your friend. Your boyfriend really sounds like a piece of crap. You need to break up with your boyfriend, yes you can do this. Look up co-dependency. It sounds like you might be with your boyfriend. Do not do anything with Sam unless he breaks up with his girlfriend. 1
BaileyB Posted May 16, 2021 Posted May 16, 2021 7 hours ago, Butterfly97 said: I don't now what the heck I feel 7 hours ago, Butterfly97 said: when I see him its like a wave of feelings all over again It seems that you do know what you feel. You like the guy. 7 hours ago, Butterfly97 said: My boyfriend has hurt me a lot in the last few years Regardless of whether you decide to date the new guy, you need to break up with your boyfriend. People who love you don’t hurt you. 1
spiderowl Posted May 16, 2021 Posted May 16, 2021 I agree with other posters that your boyfriend does not sound like a caring guy. I doubt you would be worse off without him and you would then be free to meet someone else. You mentioned about your crush that: Last year, before quarentine, I told him he wasn't indifferent to me and he said we shouldn't ruin our friendship, that we were fine that way. It sounds as though he thought taking it further might ruin your friendship. That can also be a nice way of saying he doesn't feel the same way as you. I don't know, I'm just saying that it is possible you feel stronger about your crush than he feels about you. Whether you leave your boyfriend or not, you should not get more involved with your crush until he is no longer with his girlfriend. Maybe he is happy with his girlfriend? Grumbling about her once or twice does not mean he is not happy and in love. I don't think you can make any assumptions about him until you and he are both free and he comes to actually tell you he wants to be with you. I appreciate that these feelings you are having about him are causing a lot of confusion for you. Too many people who are unhappy with their partners look for someone else to be with instead. Maybe you need to spend some time on your own (as you requested from your boyfriend) in order to find out what you really need. I doubt that messing up your friendship at this stage is going to help you, whether you leave your boyfriend or not.
chillii Posted May 16, 2021 Posted May 16, 2021 (edited) Well whatever happens with the other one is irrelevant to the fact that your in a relationship yet spend it thinking about someone else. So whether you like change or not , whether your bf hurts you or not , whether something was to happen with the other guy or not , you shouldn't be with your bf. Neither you or this other guy are much better than your bf and his gf both going on with this crap behind their backs anyway. First you need to break up with your bf, bc he obviously isn't right for you and it's not right to be with him when your thinking of someone else. Then think about the other one or be on your own until you meet the right person this time. Edited May 16, 2021 by chillii 1
d0nnivain Posted May 16, 2021 Posted May 16, 2021 You are young. I think you have outgrown your BF from HS. It happens. You need to evaluate your relationship with Will as if Sam didn't exist. While Sam has a GF you can't go chasing him. End things with your BF but be single for a while Find out who you are as a college coed. College is a time for growth & exploration. Take advantage of that. When you get your head on straight then you can re-evaluate how you feel about Sam if he ever becomes available for you to date but do not jump right from Will to Sam.
Versacehottie Posted May 17, 2021 Posted May 17, 2021 I haven't read all the responses but what I would say regarding Sam & you is that when people bond over sharing their troubles, it's not really well-rounded basis for a relationship. You are supportive toward each other and friends who help each other and that can get confused with romantic feelings. I would say the same thing if you were just talking about a friendship. Try to bond over things that have nothing to do with venting about your partners, your woes, etc. You don't want a relationship that is based on venting alone. If I were in your shoes, I would clean slate and start all over with a completely new guy. If you really want to keep Sam in your life do it more at a distance and see if there is actually a connection that has nothing to do with being disappointed by your partners. Good luck 2
smackie9 Posted May 17, 2021 Posted May 17, 2021 You were having an emotional affair with Sam all this time...just because there was no sex doesn't mean it wasn't cheating. When you share troubles, intimate details about it, have deep convos, that's something you should have been sharing and communicating with your partner. There's a possibly that was part of the problem in your relationship with your BF. You weren't properly communicating with him, but secretly discussing things with Sam. Things started to breakdown. It's pretty obvious you want to be with Sam. OK then, dump your BF if you find you are more emotionally connected with Sam. Why drag this on any further...time to be honest with yourself.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted May 17, 2021 Posted May 17, 2021 On 5/15/2021 at 12:57 PM, Butterfly97 said: My boyfriend has hurt me a lot in the last few years and I know Sam's girlfriend has hurt him too And now both you and Sam are hurting your partners (whether they are aware of it or not) by carrying on this emotional affair with each other. On 5/15/2021 at 12:57 PM, Butterfly97 said: I tried to talk about this with a friend of mine who's like a sister to him and she said I should break up with my boyfriend and accept my feelings for Sam... but I can't do that, because one I don't now what the heck I feel and I don't think I can break up with Will... I'm a person who doesn't really like changes. I get the feeling that if Sam stated he wanted to be with you, you would dump Will. This is called Monkey Branching. It seems you are primarily staying with Will because although your heart is somewhere else, having A partner is better than none. 1
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