Unfinished Stories!

[Just a Guy]

Hi folks, I have been browsing through some past accounts which pop up at the end of a page here on the Infidelity forum and I have found that a number of them have just tapered off into thin air. There has been no resolution of the problem and except for a lot of back and forth between the OP and various respondents, no solution acceptable to the OP seems to have been found and the OP quietly makes an exit. I think that is a very sad state of affairs as so many people come to this forum seeking help and advice and if they exit the forum without seeming to have been able to resolve their problem or, at least, got some ideas on how to move forward with what is bothering them then the whole idea of a forum like this one is tendered null and void. Often, the folks who post their problems here are castigated and judged for what they have done. They are put on the defensive and made to feel like they are criminals of a sort. When some folks are done using them as punching bags, they lose all enthusiasm for continuing to post and quietly disappear. I may be wrong here but I would like to know if others also share this opinion. Thankyou.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Just a Guy said:

 the OP quietly makes an exit. I may be wrong here but I would like to know if others also share this opinion.

Perhaps they did in fact resolve their problems so quietly spend more time attending to them.

Or they went for therapy, as they perhaps should.

Or they are divorcing and attending to that.

Or life happens.

Or the weather is better and they are out and about.

Or they are free and clear and busy dating again.

Or covid restrictions have eased up and they are doing more things.

Or their kids are on summer vacation/home from college and enjoying that.

 

[Stupidkupid]

I don't think people can always expect to get advice that fits with their agenda. I think some people ask questions in the hope their internal views are validated.

I do believe that most of the advice on here is genuine advice. I believe that is someone has behaved badly, is behaving in a way that us sexist or entitled, then they should be called out on that. No one has a right to say and do anything they like and then expect people not to respond to that. 

I learnt from therapy that not all advice is necessarily what we want to hear but is often what we need to hear. Sometimes it sinks in and sometimes it doesn't.

But if they choose not to heed the advice, thats up to them.

I also think, though it would be nice, we don't have the right for then to return and update them.

I suspect quite a percentage take some advice from here and move on with their lives 

[mark clemson]

I certainly think there's some truth to what you are saying. What motivates someone to "help" someone else, e.g. with advice? The person is getting something out of it, e.g. emotionally. The story may re-trigger certain emotions in the advisor and the advisor may, in part, be "venting" on the poster. Others may be trying to "ensure someone else doesn't have to go through what I went through", etc, etc. There are many motivations.

I think there are many reasons why people may taper off. I very strongly suspect (after 2+ years posting here) that not all stories are actually real (although certainly many are). Some "OP's" I think get their jollies triggering other posters, some may post to try to make some point (in a roundabout way) "see how bad all this turned out" etc, etc. I also think that probably not all of the posters who give advice are actually what they appear/claim to be. 

Be all that as it may, I think there are a lot of reasons why people might "move on". Some people simply don't care to participate in a forum like this once their own questions are answered. No doubt some do indeed feel "judged" or otherwise inappropriately treated by "advisors". And some may have multiple high priority issues arising in their lives and simply not have time/energy to do a lot of following up here. I also strongly suspect that many lawyers, once involved, put the kibosh on posting on a forum like this (as it leaves a trail of "evidence" that is subject theoretically to subpoena and use in a court case).

Once in a while we do get people who come back to give an update as well.

It is what it is. There are people who play games, troll, or try to otherwise "mess with things". One person's "legitimate point that you didn't want to hear" is another's "judgment" and yet another's "verbal abuse". One person's "you really should do X" is another's "terrible advice." Nothing's perfect in the world, why would one expect a forum of internet posters to be?

Edited May 15, 2021 by mark clemson

[FMW]

Since this forum is open to everyone, many people are not only NOT going to try to give helpful advice to people who are involved with infidelity, they are going to vent their anger and righteous indignation on the poster.  It comes with the territory.  

There are certainly those who do try to provide constructive advice while not condoning the behavior.  I would think most people have probably read a few other threads here before starting their own, so they should be prepared to receive both and handle the heat. 

I agree that posters who hang around after their initial reason for coming to this forum are getting something from participating.  For me, I find it really interesting and educational on the very divergent attitudes and opinions people have.  Sometimes it's disturbing, sometimes perplexing,  but for the most part I like stepping outside the bubble of my own experience. 

Others don't care to participate beyond their own issue that brought them here and either they get what they are looking for or see it as a waste of time.  Those people aren't going to bother to update their stories.

[torn_heart]

9 hours ago, Just a Guy said:

Hi folks, I have been browsing through some past accounts which pop up at the end of a page here on the Infidelity forum and I have found that a number of them have just tapered off into thin air. There has been no resolution of the problem and except for a lot of back and forth between the OP and various respondents, no solution acceptable to the OP seems to have been found and the OP quietly makes an exit. I think that is a very sad state of affairs as so many people come to this forum seeking help and advice and if they exit the forum without seeming to have been able to resolve their problem or, at least, got some ideas on how to move forward with what is bothering them then the whole idea of a forum like this one is tendered null and void. Often, the folks who post their problems here are castigated and judged for what they have done. They are put on the defensive and made to feel like they are criminals of a sort. When some folks are done using them as punching bags, they lose all enthusiasm for continuing to post and quietly disappear. I may be wrong here but I would like to know if others also share this opinion. Thankyou.

I agree with you. 

I posted my problem and instead of empathy I found, mostly, harsh judgements. So I let it go, and found more empathy in another forum. 

It's like some people that come to this subforum are looking for revenge for what someone else did to them and we have to take it. 

[DKT3]

3 hours ago, torn_heart said:

I agree with you. 

I posted my problem and instead of empathy I found, mostly, harsh judgements. So I let it go, and found more empathy in another forum. 

It's like some people that come to this subforum are looking for revenge for what someone else did to them and we have to take it. 

Men get hammered here no matter what the situation.  

Funny thing about "judgment" many would view it as good common sense that people refuse to see. 

An example.  We had a woman post about her affair partner,  how her husband working long hours as an attorney drove her to it. Problem is her affair actually predated her entire relationship with her husband.  Common sense would say her husband working had nothing to do with it. Yet her and some other posters concluded that had her husband been more attentive she wouldn't cheat...huh?

She saw it as being judged because she was being told her husband had nothing to do with it, she took it as people were making her feel like a terrible person...again, huh? 

Bottom line is many threads are trolling,  others simply are not ready to face thier actions and are really looking for validation.  Others just can't bare the reality that others view them differently than the image of themselves.  Unfortunately some just aren't strong enough to hear what's being said.

I don't believe many are resolved and therefore the leave. I know of several posters, both BS and WS that disappeared and popped up on other sites because they started the affair back up, or took back their WS after taking a strong stand against doing so.

[Blind-Sided]

I don't agree with the comments saying people are judging or being harsh to the OP's in this sub-forum.   I think this forum as a whole is really good.  Sure, there can be a couple people who are harsh... but it's not the "Regulars". 

BUT...................

Not all people want to hear the truth.  This place it's to automatically give empathy, or to side with someone in the wrong.  We will help them realize their errors.  BUT those people often get upset with the advice, and disappear.  

The real issue is... most people come here looking for a hug, and sympathy. But, if you cheated, and got caught... and your SO doesn't want you back... then there is nothing that can be done.  Or for the people who say ... "If your H or W was so great, you wouldn't have needed to cheat" is more harmful to the OP than anything !  If your SO is bad... then just leave them, and start a new relationship.  

If someone comes here and is looking to justify their actions... they will get a response that they probably don't want to hear.  But, if they come here looking for help on how to clean up the mess... they will get the help they are looking for. And for anyone who wants to rebut that... just go look at the OW/OM forum.  No one is judging there, because the conversation is different. 

[elaine567]

Quote

Infidelity - In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

 
The problem with the infidelity forum may be that both "sides" feel it is their place.
People in affairs come here and people who have been cheated on come here too.
So many get triggered and want to fire missiles off to those who are on the other "side".

if  a person has just found out their husband/wife is cheating then the last thing they want to do is extend sympathy to those who are pining for an OW/OM, or who are cheating and almost proud of it... or are considering cheating on their spouse.
People who are cheating, do not want to be faced with the heartache their own actions are likely causing to betrayed spouses, or want to be morally judged by those who feel cheating is always wrong.

[Wiseman2]

22 hours ago, Just a Guy said:

 people come to this forum seeking help and advice and if they exit the forum without seeming to have been able to resolve their problem.

I suppose everyone should read the fine print at the bottom of each page:

"Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice"

[pepperbird2]

This is just my opinion, but instead of passing off responses that aren't what they want as being "judging", maybe the OP of a thread might want to give some thought as to why a particular response got to them so much.

Personally, I don't see a WS as someone who is terrible, doomed to forever repeat the cycle, but I do think they have acted really poorly and need to take responsibility for their choices. If that's "judging", then so be it. It's far less destructive than what they've chosen to do.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

This is just my opinion, but instead of passing off responses that aren't what they want as being "judging".

Agree, that's just a copout, because they are in fact opinions, not therapy, etc.

[understand50]

I think as a rule, myself included, folks get what they need here and move on.  Even some "regulars" will drop off or not post as much.  This site can help out in many ways, just writing about what happened, is very helpful. So, yes, I wonder what happen to some here, or did the marriage reconcile, or did they divorce.  In the end, it is up to the posters, to decide how much or if they will update.

[RebeccaR]

1 hour ago, understand50 said:

 

I think as a rule, myself included, folks get what they need here and move on.  Even some "regulars" will drop off or not post as much. 

 

I am sure that most of the regulars sticking around replying for 10-15 years and not starting their own threads are mods. I have my ideas who some of those are.

 

Edited to add: these are some of the best posters, giving the best advice 

Edited May 17, 2021 by RebeccaR
Clarity

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

This is just my opinion, but instead of passing off responses that aren't what they want as being "judging", maybe the OP of a thread might want to give some thought as to why a particular response got to them so much.

That's interesting. When I was compared to Saddam Hussein by a poster here, also called a "lightweight" (I believe in an attempt to insult my intelligence) and accused of online bullying - how exactly would you suggest I process these claims?

When a poster is told:

Quote

You show zero self awareness, zero empathy for your husband and sons

A statement which is obviously untrue and hyperbolic - (who has zero self awareness or empathy)?  How exactly are they supposed to feel?

Note: These are rhetorical questions. IMO is quite obvious to everyone and anyone that LOTs of judging goes on here. Those doing it don't like to be called out on it any more than those who they are judging.
 

Quote

What does judge someone mean?

to form, give, or have as an opinion, or to decide about something or someone, especially after thinking carefully: ... to express a bad opinion of someone's behaviour, often because you think you are better than them: You have no right to judge other people because of what they look like or what they believe

 

Edited May 17, 2021 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

A statement which is obviously untrue and hyperbolic - (who has zero self awareness or empathy)?  How exactly are they supposed to feel?

Is this from the "I cheated on my perfect husband" thread?  Ironically you are "judging"  whatever poster posted that remark...or wait...is that your opinion?

People are urged to remember that this is not professional advice and that it is the opinion (not "judgement", lol not a court/jury here) of various random people.

[mark clemson]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ironically you are "judging"  whatever poster posted that remark...or wait...is that your opinion? ...  that it is the opinion (not "judgement", lol not a court/jury here)

I suppose I am. If OP's can afford to hear "harsh truths" (sometimes a valid statement, but often in reality just an excuse for venting of emotions/bitterness on the OPs) than those who are dishing out the harsh truths can hear some truth too.

It indeed is judging by the casual/slang use of the term. (The literal definition was never in question here.)

What I wrote above is accurate. Comparisons to Saddam Hussein and the like are, frankly, both unhelpful and uncalled for. There are those in the world who stay "stuck" wallowing in bitterness (of various kinds) and venting on others. It's really their business. They may not always like that being pointed out to them. Oh well, c'est la vie. I don't have much more to say on the matter generally.

Edited May 17, 2021 by mark clemson

[pepperbird2]

On 5/17/2021 at 2:21 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Is this from the "I cheated on my perfect husband" thread?  Ironically you are "judging"  whatever poster posted that remark...or wait...is that your opinion?

People are urged to remember that this is not professional advice and that it is the opinion (not "judgement", lol not a court/jury here) of various random people.

Perhaps instead of complaining tat they are being :"judged" and that those who stick around a site like this for a long tome are "bitter", it might be beneficial to those poeple to ask why the effects of infidelity last for so long.
They helped to cause that sort of pain, and quite frankly, I see that as being far worse than the cheating that caused the whole mess in the first place.

[Just a Guy]

Hi folks, Thankyou for your responses and opinions! I think everyone had something fruitful and very useful to contribute and those who come to this forum seeking advice and help would do well to take note of what you folks have had to say. My point in raising this observation was focused on accounts which seemed to peter out or quietly fade into the shadows after having shown some promise of moving towards a concrete conclusion. I find those accounts to be very frustrating because a lot of good people had offered sensible advice which the OP had taken on board and seemed to have made up his/her mind as to what they were going to do. Then without warning they just left and the matter was left hanging in the air. I guess some decisiveness on the part of the OP would have been appreciated by one and all. Warm wishes.

[Pumpernickel]

I’m always sad if somebody has an interesting, life-changing story, and many people post and try to comment, and then there are NO more OP updates after countless posts & pages. It’s like watching your favorite show for the first time, and it’s all of a sudden discontinued, or reading a great novel, and then you suddenly lose the book somewhere and you can’t order a replacement. 

[understand50]

But remember, people come here, if they are real, not for our entertainment, but to get some advise.  Once they get what they need, many will leave.  Our needs do not count.  Yes, I wonder on some posts, but I hope they are real and we are not being played, and I hope they take what they need to move forward, or make a decision.  In many ways, reading Loveshack is a habit I got when I was asking for guidance on my own situation.  Some stuff I read, I do not believe, and other, I am sad for all concerned.  Some times it hits home as the story somewhat relates to my own. If I think I can add to the conversation, I do, but if I do not have something to say, I just stay mute.

My two cents.

 

[pepperbird2]

Op,

I'm sort of confused by reading your post, so please forgive me i I have the story wrong.

Am I right that you have been cheating on your husband for all these years? If I am, then I don't understand your dilemma. You can't focus on both your marriage and an outside dalliance at the same time-somebody's been getting the short end of the stick. I'm also confused about why you say you love your husband. If you do, how could you do this to him?

If you haven't been actually cheating and this is more of an exploration of your inner thoughts, I would suggest you speak to a counsellor. It can really help to get things in perspective.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Pepper, not sure I have understood what you are trying to convey to me. Firstly, I am a man and am not guilty of cheating on my wife. Secondly, I started this thread about unfinished stories. I guess you meant to post this elsewhere but it landed up on the wrong thread. You will have to ask the Mods to move it to the correct one. Warm wishes.

Edited June 3, 2021 by Just a Guy
Corrections.

[Just a Guy]

Hi folks, a case in point is the story of a guy with the moniker "Wife cheated". After a healthy discussion running in to two pages the OP just stopped posting. His thread started sometime in August 2020 and tapered off by September or so. My take on that was that either the poster was not seriously interested in resolving matters or he quietly reconciled with his wife by sweeping the problem under the rug. Both avenues are unsatisfactory as they do not deal with the fundamentals of the problem which I'd therefore likely to raise its ugly head again. Had he addressed the problem more pro actively, I am sure he would have returned to fill us in on the details and what his course of action was. Just my opinion. Warm regards.