No sex on 3rd date bad?

[Alpacalia]

19 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Seriously, there is nothing wrong with wanting to have an emotional connection with a man before you have sex with a guy

Agree.

Instead of calling yourself moronic or being self-deprecating, practice self-love, own your sexual energy and sexual strength, and disregard the rude comments.

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Instead of calling yourself moronic or being self-deprecating, practice self-love, own your sexual energy and sexual strength, and disregard the rude comments.

I would also say - know your worth. Practice self love, know your worth, and do what feels right - to you.

[salparadise]

On 5/14/2021 at 1:26 PM, BaileyB said:

cuddling, dry humping, handjob or perhaps even oral sex “place” - that sends a really mixed message when you then say “no sex.” As I said, if I was a man, I would think that you are teasing and playing games and that would be a big turn off for me.

Absolutely. If you're giving multiple hand jobs and making him cum it's pretty obvious that this isn't about being too reserved, virtuous or whatever to engage sexually. It would be terribly frustrating to have you crank up up as high as possible and then cut it off. It's just not cool from the guy's perspective. Furthermore, I'd probably make the leap to assume that withholding sex is a tactic that you'd be comfortable using in the future. And no, before you ask, a hand job is not equivalent, close enough, or an acceptable consolation. If sex isn't in the cards, don't be stimulating the genitalia.

I had one girlfriend who understood this completely... when she'd arrive for our regular dates twice a week, if she wasn't ready for sex for any reason (yeast infection being the usual reason) she'd let me know within just a few minutes––right after the howdy do's. And from then on we''d cuddle but we would not get each other all worked up. 

 

Edited May 16, 2021 by salparadise

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Sociallyrepressed said:

Yup, I’m not arguing with you, actually any of you, who have clearly more experience and are just downright wiser than me all about this. And no, I’m not a virgin, or believe in the “technical” kind. I’ve only had 2 other sexual partners in all of my life, the first one being an fwb bc I thought I could do casual like all the rest of my friends and realized that I could... but it still left me empty and depressed, never got attached to him, but still left with that feeling. That experience taught me tho it feels so much better to be with someone who I need to actually be emotionally and physically connected with. 
 

But idk how to explain it, the deeper the emotional attraction the further I’m capable of going? -I don’t know if that makes sense but that’s just the moronic way I am.

As I’ve said all of what you guys have said is true: def was sex, varying degrees, but ultimately it was sex. But now just makes me feel more like it was now all my fault. If I had gone through with it to the end at least I would have known I’d given it my all to make it work, instead of being this self sabotaging person

Jmo but the fact you didn't go "all the way" would not have changed the outcome.

He simply realized for whatever reason (unrelated to the sex you had), that he didn't wish to pursue.

I was curious why you didn't wish to complete the whole experience (intercourse) given you were so attracted to him.

I hear ya about the emotional connection, I need that too!   Even if it ends up as only a ONS.

You can feel that emotional connection without having expectations it will go further and remaining detached from the outcome. 

That's what happened with one of my ex's, we connected the first night we met, it was intense! 

We had sex that same night and tbh I wasnt sure if I'd ever hear from him again, which was OK, it was a great experience.

Well, he did contact me the next day and we were together six years! 

 

Edited May 16, 2021 by poppyfields

[spiderowl]

You didn't do anything to push this guy away.  If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you.

I'm sure you'll find someone else.  You should look for someone who treats you well.  Only thing I would add, is that you do not need to try so hard to please him.  Your feelings and needs are important too.

I won't say this guy was only looking for sex - though he certainly tried at least twice during the night - but maybe he was looking for something casual and you (very wisely) are not up for that.

There is no rule that says you have to have sex by the third date.  There are no rules.  The right guy will not be put off if you have only held his hand by that time.  If he really likes you, he will be hoping and waiting for more but will be patient.  It is a myth to think that guys will move on if they don't have sex by the third date.  Only a player would do that or a guy who has so little self esteem that he thinks he is being rejected after three dates.

[chillii]

8 hours ago, Sociallyrepressed said:

Yup, I’m not arguing with you, actually any of you, who have clearly more experience and are just downright wiser than me all about this. And no, I’m not a virgin, or believe in the “technical” kind. I’ve only had 2 other sexual partners in all of my life, the first one being an fwb bc I thought I could do casual like all the rest of my friends and realized that I could... but it still left me empty and depressed, never got attached to him, but still left with that feeling. That experience taught me tho it feels so much better to be with someone who I need to actually be emotionally and physically connected with. 
 

But idk how to explain it, the deeper the emotional attraction the further I’m capable of going? -I don’t know if that makes sense but that’s just the moronic way I am.

As I’ve said all of what you guys have said is true: def was sex, varying degrees, but ultimately it was sex. But now just makes me feel more like it was now all my fault. If I had gone through with it to the end at least I would have known I’d given it my all to make it work, instead of being this self sabotaging person

 

 

Haaa , your too hard on yourself for a start there's nothing moronic about feeling that way l'd respect it myself and l'm male , 50s.  l've always needed everything and never been interested in anything less and that's coming from a guy so there, your not weird.

 

 

 

[salparadise]

6 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I won't say this guy was only looking for sex - though he certainly tried at least twice during the night

Oh that's funny, really funny. Led into bed with a nekked hottie, and she's been humping and tugging and milking him through the night, and you're blaming him for trying? That is precious. I think you should be giving him credit for his restraint.

[Sociallyrepressed]

2 hours ago, salparadise said:

Oh that's funny, really funny. Led into bed with a nekked hottie

Actually we kept our clothes on, pjs and shorts. Only time partial nudity was involved was bc he brought out his dick to escalate more

Edited May 16, 2021 by Sociallyrepressed

[Sociallyrepressed]

Also once again thanks guys for all your good advice, kind words, and just giving me a better and more realistic perspective. 
Some of you mentioned it was just a short time, and you’re not wrong, but idk it just has made me anxious and depressed about what the future holds for me. I’m clearly bad on judgment calls, and OLD experiences just has made me question what if I did find a compatible and great match and just mess up once again sending mixed signals/reacting too slow.

It’s not so much the loss of this one particular guy, ultimately, but the poor bumbling errors all along the way. 

I know I’m relapsing into depression bc I’ve lost all my appetite and literally so upset and sick w/ ideas of the bleak and seemingly hopeless lonely future that seems very much right now my reality.
 

And yeah, I know you don’t have to be happy to be in a relationship, but... I still very much want to be in one before I’m x yrs old. Also it seems like the general consensus is the “older” (30+ yr olds) women are less desirable, and not keen committing to the “step mother” alternatives out there -which sounds overly picky I guess. 

[d0nnivain]

There is nothing to be depressed about.  Rather you should be happy  . .. OK maybe not happy . . but there were lots of valuable lessons in here.  There are also a few you still need to learn.  It's too early to be depressed about a guy you barely knew.  Do something nice for yourself & then pull yourself together.  

You had a 3 dates with this man over 3 weeks.  That is not a lot & certainly not nearly enough to get emotionally attached.  You need to be better about maintaining control of your emotions.  Get to know somebody, which is not measured solely on a calendar.  

Stop thinking the 3 date rule is a thing.  Have sex when you are ready, not before & not because some "rule" told you that you are required.  

Do not get into a bed with a man you are not fully ready to have sex with.  What you did was be a c**k-tease.  That is very bad.  Although as somebody else pointed out you could have had sex & he still may have bailed.  But since you weren't ready, it's good that you abstained.  It would have been better that you not had the sleepover. 

You mentioned something in your 1st post about him not bringing up exclusivity.  You had meet the man 3 freakin' times.  To be exclusive that fast is unrealistic.  

30 is not too old.  Don't buy into that garbage. I meet my husband when I was 39.  1st marriage for us both. 

Instead of being depressed, pat yourself on the back for having standards.  

 

[introverted1]

I think you are conflating a few different ideas that have been expressed in this thread.  Waiting to have sex is fine.  There are guys who will be happy to wait longer than 3 dates for sex (as well as some who won't).  The issues are that 1) you initiated a 3rd date sleepover, which is bound to signal sex to the man, and 2) then proceeded to half-ass around with the sex. It's one thing to have a steamy make-out session and then say, this is as far as I want to go.  But when you have set the stage as you did -- asking for a sleepover, dry humping, hand-job, etc. -- to then back off is of course your right, but bound to be frustrating/confusing/annoying.

So the take-away isn't that all men need sex by the 3rd date nor that you should have sex when you don't want to, but that your actions should align with your intentions and that you should avoid giving mixed signals.

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Sociallyrepressed said:

And yeah, I know you don’t have to be happy to be in a relationship, but... I still very much want to be in one before I’m x yrs old. Also it seems like the general consensus is the “older” (30+ yr olds) women are less desirable, and not keen committing to the “step mother” alternatives out there -which sounds overly picky I guess. 

Oh sweetie, my heart goes to you. Women are beautiful and attractive at ANY age! You have plenty of time ahead of you to find the right man. 

Do you have family & friends around? Do you confine in them? Could they introduce you to someone they can voucher for this character?

I was just reading an article that said women that can navigate in the dating world while respecting their boundaries are women that are surrounded by a group, or family, friends. I can attest to that. My family & friends remind me often my worth and that I am strong and I can accomplish anything. And this group here, the LS gang has taught me so much about dating and relationships in these past years! And because of the support and guidance I found here I am back to dating and feeling strong again. 

Don't be discouraged, this was just 1 guy, there will me more to come. Stick around, we will be happy to give you a little bit of guidance and care through your dating process. 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Sociallyrepressed said:

Only time partial nudity was involved was bc he brought out his dick to escalate more

I want you to realize something here. What if he had decided he wanted sex whether you wanted it or not? He could have easily raped you. This was still a stranger you had met only 2 times before. You don't know what type of man he is, you don't know if he has a history of forcing himself on women, that's why if you don't want intercourse you do not get in bed with a man you barely know. Nature has made it easier on women to stop fooling around in the middle. Not easy for a man. they are wired differently and some men will not be able to stop themselves from wanting that intercourse past a certain point of excitement. 

[elaine567]

How old are you and how old is  this man?
 

[elaine567]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Not easy for a man. they are wired differently and some men will not be able to stop themselves from wanting that intercourse past a certain point of excitement. 

I think most men will be able to prevent themselves from raping a woman, but as the OP did not know this man, she did not know if he would be a man who would actually rape her or get so frustrated and angry he would hit her.
She was playing with fire. 

[Sociallyrepressed]

18 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

How old are you and how old is  this man?
 

We are both in the 20s bracket

[elaine567]

5 minutes ago, Sociallyrepressed said:

We are both in the 20s bracket

Ok, not sure if we were dealing with teenagers or over 40s second timers.


 

[Sociallyrepressed]

43 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Do you have family & friends around? Do you confine in them? Could they introduce you to someone they can voucher for this character?

I was just reading an article that said women that can navigate in the dating world while respecting their boundaries are women that are surrounded by a group, or family, friends. I can attest to that. My family & friends remind me often my worth and that I am strong and I can accomplish anything. And this group here, the LS gang has taught me so much about dating and relationships in these past years! And because of the support and guidance I found here I am back to dating and feeling strong again. 

Don't be discouraged, this was just 1 guy, there will me more to come. Stick around, we will be happy to give you a little bit of guidance and care through your dating process. 

Not any family, they live on the west coast, I wanted to strike out and make it entirely on my own a few years ago, and moved to basically the cheapest place I could afford and live while also being able to save a ton like 50% of what I’m making to pay down college loans. 
 

I have made friends where I’ve moved to we meet weekly if not more —but not especially close ones, if that makes sense.

[smackie9]

Dating is awkward at every age. Doesn't matter if you are not so attractive, average or attractive, 20, 30, 40 etc something,....you still come across that same dating plights. There's going to be clingers, players, controlling, jerks, guys we get obsessed about, etc. We don't see the red flags or watch our own actions because we are so focused on the end goal and that amazing experience in the moment. We are not always so level headed. All of us on here have been there and done that. But that's how we learn and why we are here giving advice. Sharing our knowledge/experiences.

So the best way to approach dating is to observe their actions and words objectively.  BTW texting and messaging should not be counted as time spent dating. The first physical date should be your starting point. I always say first impressions count, like how they have a date, time and place set and commit to it. Show up on time, looking clean, neatly pressed, smelling good, opening doors for you, focused conversation on getting to know you, talk about positive things. Key thing to look for is consistent communication, outside the home dates, and enthusiasm. So many post here keep giving the guys that are inconsistent, so many damn chances and they wonder why things are not working. That's when you ditch them and date other men instead. Stop beating a dead horse. You date those who treat you the way you want to be treated...you shouldn't have to jump through hoops.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Oh sweetie, my heart goes to you. Women are beautiful and attractive at ANY age! You have plenty of time ahead of you to find the right man. 

If you learn anything from this discussion, hear that there are no “rules.” The third date thing is ridiculous. And, you won’t be a sad spinster or limited to the role of step mother if you don’t find a man by 30. Life is a journey, some of which you control and some of which you don’t. Be kind to yourself, keep learning, and try to enjoy the process... I understand that this stings right now but quit with the negativity and the pessimism. The doom and gloom. It’s not going to help you to get where you want to be. 

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Dating is awkward at every age.

Amen to that! 

[TrueGuy]

Sex on the third date is totally inappropriate. You need to get to know each other over an extended period of time before you become sexually intimate. Once you bring sex into the mix, it becomes harder for both of you to objectively analyze each others behavior and recognize red flags. Moreover, if a guy doesn't even have the self-control to abstain from sex-begging to women, that say a lot about his lack of romantic social skills, ie, has doesn't have any. You done the right thing by refusing to give into this fellows demands for sex, I commend you. If anything you should give yourself a pat on the back for that one. Believe me, if you are dating a guy that doesn't have sexual self-control it's best to turn the other way and run. 

[Miss Peach]

You need to do some work to figure out what YOU are OK with on a values level, sex, level, dating level, etc. Dating is not some magic dance where you have to perform like a monkey to get him to stick around. The more people like you the more wiggle room you will have IME. Most men I have made wait much longer then the 3rd date and it was OK. I tend to like to stay in first and second base for awhile while getting to know someone. Just be wary of the signals you are sending out. You'll want to show romantic interest (i.e., kissing) but not do anything to imply sex (i.e., sleepovers, staying in public, not hanging out on beds, etc.). IMO there are only 2 hard and fast rules for sex - (1) don't have sex on the first date unless you're OK with a hookup and (2) don't tell him when you are willing to sleep with him. It's better not the set the expectation of sex after X number of dates and then change your mind or he does it just to have sex and leave.