No sex on 3rd date bad?

[Sociallyrepressed]

3 hours ago, CollinW said:

 But having someone

my page did not update XD

Edited May 15, 2021 by Sociallyrepressed
Redundant

[Sociallyrepressed]

2 hours ago, CollinW said:

I'm a man who prefers waiting. My penis is a national treasure and you have to work for it, I don't just go slinging it anywhere. But having someone take it to such a sexual level by doing everything but sex only to not go all the way just seems like a power play or some kinda of sexual issue (STD maybe?). It just doesn't come across well, I'd rather just avoid the teenage sex adjacent playing all together. 

Idk I’m definitely always going to be emotional preceding physical, so move at a much slower rate, but also aware that’s not what OLD is due to its lotto-machine set up/mentality. So now just stuck in this juxtaposition of trying to balance my own wants with the the other person who moves at a faster rate. And yeah fail at all ends of the spectrum 

[mortensorchid]

You're sending mixed signals to him.  Stop doing this immediately.  Either do IT or don't.  

[FudgeSwirl]

There are many men out there that are willing to wait beyond the third date to have sex.  Anybody who dumps somebody over not wanting to have sex on the third date is not the right person and just is looking for a quick hookup.

However I would never recommend having a sleepover with a man if you are not willing to have sex.  A sleepover is always an invitation for intercourse and even just making out on a bed sends the wrong message if you are not ready for sex.

You will know when you are ready for sex with somebody you are dating; always go with your instinct regarding what feels right.

[CollinW]

15 minutes ago, Sociallyrepressed said:

Idk I’m definitely always going to be emotional preceding physical, so move at a much slower rate, but also aware that’s not what OLD is due to its lotto-machine set up/mentality. So now just stuck in this juxtaposition of trying to balance my own wants with the the other person who moves at a faster rate. And yeah fail at all ends of the spectrum 

Make sense. From your perspective your actions said its too early for sex, but your sexual needs are relevant to me so here is something to hold you over. Which says something a lot about your sincerity, but to a man I would say it subconsciously dehumanizes you by taking away sex which is an experience, and reducing it to a sex act which is a transaction. Every woman that I have experienced this with, it put up a wall. 

If you would like to keep a man's sexual interest without sex, I'd learn how to flirt better implicitly and explicitly, verbally and non verbally. Find other ways to reciprocate his efforts to show your appreciation. 

[Emilyinroses]

14 hours ago, Sociallyrepressed said:

Met a really great, sweet, caring guy on an OLD-app. He stood out from the dozen matches I had, kind considerate. 
literally at the end each date he kept asking when we could see each other again.

1st date was him and I just talking about what we’d want in an ideal relationship, we had both agreed we’re not into FWB situationships, and were looking for something serious.

2nd date was a group activity, and he said he had a lot of fun. It lasted the entire Saturday. Afterwards we made out, he felt me up, but I had work the next morning so decided to meet up the next weekend.

it being a 3rd date and all I suggested a “sleepover” but he had never made the suggestion to be exclusive, so I even told him that Wednesday, that I don’t think I was ready for sex and would love to take things slow.

Now granted I know sexpectations are different from person to person, and I told him in the past I’m fine if he wants to move at a faster pace and just stop seeing me now.

He said no, he likes just being around me, has no expectations and is fine with just cuddling.

Friday night we hang out I asked him to show me his passion hobby -video games which I honestly really enjoyed learning from him- afterwards we try watching a movie but decided to just head to bed early to fool around.

We spend literally the entire night just making out, dry humping, and eventually end with him getting a handjob, which I was especially attentive to and always asking him to show me how he likes it.

Finally we get some sleep, and wake up again to some fun and jerking him off again.

Middle of the night when he tried escalating it to actual sex (2x) but I told him I wasn’t ready, that I really did like him not just was sexually attracted but loved spending time with him and wanted us to take things slow, bc i do want something more. He says that’s what he wants to, and likes me as well past physicality.

End of 3rd date he talks about what our 4th date will be, asks when I’m available and I say I’m not sure bc I work 4x10hr days so my scheduling is more sporadic. He says that’s fine we’ll check in later.

send him the good morning text on Monday and immediately tell him I’m free this Saturday and can’t wait to go on a 4Th date with him.

then he says after thinking all previous dates over, Im the “sweetest” girl he’s ever dated, how I’ll make some guy really happy BUT just can’t ever be happy with me. 
I’m completely hurt, I know it was only a few dates but he was so attentive, kind, and caring that it felt like something more. And I’ve had guys on dating apps say they’re not interested after the 2nd date when I tell them 3rd date I’m not ready yet for sex. So I don’t even know what happened and feel it’s all my fault somehow. If he was just after sexy I had already warned him of my comfortability, but also his reassuring me he did like me for me and not just sexually made me think it was/could have been something more... 

TLDR: is no sex, but plenty of pleasuring, an immediate deal breaker? Do I just need to get over my reservations? I just feel like it was my fault and somehow I pushed a really great guy away 

Your words and actions don’t match. 

If you are not ready for sex, fine, but stay away from his bed then. 

Imagine if it was the other way around. You are ready for sex, the guy comes to your bed, performs sexual acts on you, leave you hot and steamy and then says no sorry I am not ready to go all the way.

I would be VERY pis*** off too!

But the way I am, I would ask him directly why are you in my bed and being sexual with me then!?

Why don’t you ask him directly if the reason he is ending things is because of what happened?

He might be an idiot who just wanted sex or he could have felt he was being played and dropped things. Either way if you ask you’ll hear from him what happened.

But yes don’t sleep with a man and have sexual actions if you say you are not ready for sex. Because all you did, was in fact, sex. Sex is more than just penetration.

Edited May 15, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Sociallyrepressed said:

 this juxtaposition of trying to balance my own wants with the the other person who moves at a faster rate. 

Simply stay in your own lane and reflect on what works for you.

There's no need to think for others or twist and gyrate to do what you believe they want.

For example. "Third date rule". That's a pickup artist meme. You don't have to accommodate that.

Particularly since this "compromise" of confusion sex but no sex sleepover, did not work out for you.

Be confident resolute and crystal clear. It helps in general.

This particular Bozo would have ended it anyway,  regardless of which body parts were involved for sexual gratification.

Also strive for mutually satisfyingly sex. That means no outcall style servicing if an exclusive dating/relationship situation is what you want.

[Alpacalia]

There is no rule that says, "Now that we've gone this far, we must go all the way."

You have the freedom to choose what you are comfortable with.

Simultaneously, and for future reference, he may prefer not to proceed until he is confident he will be able to have sex with you. So, prepare to be rejected. Bear in mind, though, that you will survive. You may come to realize that it is better to miss out on a romantic connection than to do something you may later regret if you are not ready for it.

On that note, try to avoid the "couch" as much as possible, at least for the first few weeks.

[Emilyinroses]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

There is no rule that says, "Now that we've gone this far, we must go all the way."

You have the freedom to choose what you are comfortable with.

Simultaneously, and for future reference, he may prefer not to proceed until he is confident he will be able to have sex with you. So, prepare to be rejected. Bear in mind, though, that you will survive. You may come to realize that it is better to miss out on a romantic connection than to do something you may later regret if you are not ready for it.

On that note, try to avoid the "couch" as much as possible, at least for the first few weeks.

There’s no rule that says that and she doesn’t have to do anything that she is not comfortable with, but is misleading to go into bed with a man, do all those sexual activities and then say she is not ready for sex. Makes no sense and might give the impression she is playing games.

Just make sure your words and actions are consistent and stay out of his bed until you are ready for sex.

[Emilyinroses]

Also, what’s with that sex on the 3rd date rule? That’s just ridiculous!

I’m pretty sure that was invented by a guy who wanted sex asap!

No woman (or man) have to have sex on any numbers of dates. You have sex when and IF you are ready and want to.

That can be on the 3rd date, on the 20th, it can also be never because you got to know him better and realised you are not compatible. It can also happen on the first date if you wish.

The bottom line is, have sex in an organic way and when you feel like it, not from what a stupid rule says.

Edited May 15, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Alpacalia]

11 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

There’s no rule that says that and she doesn’t have to do anything that she is not comfortable with, but is misleading to go into bed with a man, do all those sexual activities and then say she is not ready for sex. Makes no sense and might give the impression she is playing games.

Just make sure your words and actions are consistent and stay out of his bed until you are ready for sex.

Yes, but "making out" may also be an expression of attraction and desire that does not always result in actual sex.

Maybe it would have eventually.

She did say ahead of time that she wasn't ready for actual sex. This is irrelevant because she is free to change her mind at any time if she is uncomfortable.

But yes, staying out of the bedroom, sounds like a good idea.

[Emilyinroses]

1 hour ago, Alpaca said:

Yes, but "making out" may also be an expression of attraction and desire that does not always result in actual sex.

Maybe it would have eventually.

She did say ahead of time that she wasn't ready for actual sex. This is irrelevant because she is free to change her mind at any time if she is uncomfortable.

But yes, staying out of the bedroom, sounds like a good idea.

They didn’t just ‘’made out’, they had intimate sexual acts. That is sex.

Of course she can change her mind, but saying she doesn’t want sex yet and then going into bed with the guy and perform sexual acts!? That makes no sense and it can be seen as her playing games.

And even explaining to the guy she said she wasn’t ready for sex when he tried to go further? 

I’m sorry but put your money where your mouth is and period.

Edited May 15, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Phallacy]

In my vast dating and gun slinging days, most women would avoid 3rd dates if there was no interest. Fair enough and no problem.

As someone else mentioned, a bartering sex for a relationship mindset will mostly not work. Most men are savvy enough not to commit before sex. 
 

I learned the hard way to pursue sex and let the woman pursue exclusivity. Not vice versa.

Now, very generally speaking, women will vet a guy for what type of relationship she can have with him. And this is where some women will kill the chemistry with a barrage of questions regarding home ownership and the guys status.

Exit right, stage left!!!

Not very organic, eh? 
 

If a gal tells me she doesn’t have sex before X number of dates, AND I haven’t even touched her or suggested intimacy, then I’m gone. What a turn off.

Timing is everything with dating and if you don’t establish some guidelines for yourself, you’re gonna go broke and gain weight over all those dinners with the wrong folks

For example, I won’t go on a date if there’s a 0% chance of sex. A 1% chance? Sure. Which is why I won’t drive 30 moles to meet someone that doesn’t live alone or someone that I find out later has other plans after our date.

 

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I’m sorry but put your money where your mouth is and period.

Fair enough.

[chillii]

Well l dunno , have a hard time believing some of the attitudes. ln my world there is no 3rd date bs, there is no any date bs. And if it went that way there'd be nothing wrong at all either in messing about in whatever stages but not going all the way.

Holy hell they all seem to work by some manual or rule book round here, sad world .

[poppyfields]

The way I read this, you DID have sex, no intercourse, but you were in bed together naked, you kissed, fondled, humped and "serviced" him with two "hand jobs."

Not sure why you held off on intercourse.  Really confused by that.  I mean obviously you were attracted, and did everything but, so why stop there?  

Why not complete the experience?  

Frankly you servicing him without receiving anything in return sounds degrading and sorry but makes you appear like a two bit *.

You are not, but HE may view you that way.  Possibly. 

I don't know, the whole thing sounds off.  

 

 

Edited May 15, 2021 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

The way I read this, you DID have sex, no intercourse, but you were in bed together naked, you kissed, fondled, humped and "serviced" him with two "hand jobs." Not sure why you held off on intercourse.  Really confused by that. 

This is sort of how I see it. No one of course should have intercourse they don't want but all the other stuff is confusing. At any rate, this clown would have left no matter what body parts were involved or if they just played chess.

Edited May 15, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Miss Spider]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is sort of how I see it. No one of course should have intercourse they don't want but all the other stuff is confusing. At any rate, this clown would have left no matter what body parts were involved or if they just played chess.

Surprisingly, and not sure how old some of you guys are, but this stuff is kind of common in the younger generations ...”fooling around”  because I see stories like this a lot of message boards... also just having had friends who were like “we hooked up, but no sex” and they mean more than kissing because I know them ... I don’t know if this phenomenon is related to “hookup culture” and the “third date rule” being so embedded in the fabric of our culture that people feel the need to do SOMETHING by the third date, even if it’s not sex or what. I can relate that I’ve felt kind of weird if I met a guy on Tinder haven’t made out with him by the third date...
 

I have noticed it usually doesn’t play a huge factor in the circumstance(s) with my friends,  from what I can tell. I agree he would have left, regardless. Not necessarily that he did anything wrong here. Actually, he did the right thing, probably. Just recently my friend was flown out to Cali by a guy who seemed really into her, they slept together, and then he played her really good . lol she’s dragging hIm on social media now but I don’t blame her 

Edited May 15, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I don’t know if this phenomenon is related to “hookup culture” and the “third date rule”

This would be "third base". The terminology changes, but human nature remains the same:

"Among the most commonly used metaphors is the progress of a batter and base-runner in describing levels of physical intimacy. Definitions vary, but the following are typical usages of the terms:

Strikeout – a failure to engage in any form of foreplay or other sexual activity;

First base – mouth-to-mouth kissing, especially French kissing;

Second base – skin-to-skin touching/kissing of the breasts; in some contexts, it may instead refer to touching any erogenous zones through the clothes (i.e., not actually touching the skin);

Third base – touching below the waist (without sexual intercourse) or manual stimulation of the genitals; in some contexts, it may instead refer to oral stimulation of the genitals;

Home run (home base or scoring) – "full" (penetrative) sexual intercourse"

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, chillii said:

Well l dunno , have a hard time believing some of the attitudes. ln my world there is no 3rd date bs, there is no any date bs. And if it went that way there'd be nothing wrong at all either in messing about in whatever stages but not going all the way.

Holy hell they all seem to work by some manual or rule book round here, sad world .

Yes, indeed.

My mother was around when that term was coined.

Guess we haven't come very far. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

The way I read this, you DID have sex, no intercourse, but you were in bed together naked, you kissed, fondled, humped and "serviced" him with two "hand jobs."

Agree.

Bill Clinton got a blow job in the Oval Office but insisted to America that he did not have sex with that woman.

And then, there are those who have anal sex, believing that somehow their “virginity” is intact, prior to marriage. 

When you are naked and in bed with a man - dry humping, hand job, oral sex, anal sex... what we are discussing is essentially semantics. The man may not have put his penis in the woman’s vagina but they had sex...

Edited May 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[Sociallyrepressed]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

When you are naked and in bed with a man - dry humping, hand job, oral sex, anal sex... what we are discussing is essentially semantics. The man may not have put his penis in the woman’s vagina but they had sex...

Yup, I’m not arguing with you, actually any of you, who have clearly more experience and are just downright wiser than me all about this. And no, I’m not a virgin, or believe in the “technical” kind. I’ve only had 2 other sexual partners in all of my life, the first one being an fwb bc I thought I could do casual like all the rest of my friends and realized that I could... but it still left me empty and depressed, never got attached to him, but still left with that feeling. That experience taught me tho it feels so much better to be with someone who I need to actually be emotionally and physically connected with. 
 

But idk how to explain it, the deeper the emotional attraction the further I’m capable of going? -I don’t know if that makes sense but that’s just the moronic way I am.

As I’ve said all of what you guys have said is true: def was sex, varying degrees, but ultimately it was sex. But now just makes me feel more like it was now all my fault. If I had gone through with it to the end at least I would have known I’d given it my all to make it work, instead of being this self sabotaging person

[Miss Spider]

8 minutes ago, Sociallyrepressed said:

Yup, I’m not arguing with you, actually any of you, who have clearly more experience and are just downright wiser than me all about this. And no, I’m not a virgin, or believe in the “technical” kind. I’ve only had 2 other sexual partners in all of my life, the first one being an fwb bc I thought I could do casual like all the rest of my friends and realized that I could... but it still left me empty and depressed, never got attached to him, but still left with that feeling. That experience taught me tho it feels so much better to be with someone who I need to actually be emotionally and physically connected with. 
 

But idk how to explain it, the deeper the emotional attraction the further I’m capable of going? -I don’t know if that makes sense but that’s just the moronic way I am.

As I’ve said all of what you guys have said is true: def was sex, varying degrees, but ultimately it was sex. But now just makes me feel more like it was now all my fault. If I had gone through with it to the end at least I would have known I’d given it my all to make it work, instead of being this self sabotaging person

I don’t know why you believe it was definitely the sex. No one here knows that...and I would bet good money had you gone” through with it” he would have faded out/broken it off anyway...Like I said, this just happened with someone I know and she feels awful... because she did have intercourse , no handjobs , “fooling around” type stuff 

 

don’t ever have sex to keep a guy around. That screams insecure. Don’t use sex as a bartering tool. As hard as it might be, separate it in your mind from the emotional/mental aspect of your relationship, because it usually is ie person can not be into you as a person/emotionally/mentally but still want to have sex with you. So just because you’ve placed a significance on it doesn’t mean the other person has at all.. 

 

It sounds to me like you were emotionally very into him ( maybe too much so for such a little time, but that’s another can of worms) but you didn’t want to go all the way because you weren’t sure what he’d think about it bright so soon or how he felt about you/where you all stood, so you held off? And it manifested in a strange “sampling” sort of thing... which he probably did see right through as some weird play. But I don’t think if he saw this as more he would of sent you that message cutting it off. Ultimately, you did the right thing 

[BaileyB]

37 minutes ago, Sociallyrepressed said:

idk how to explain it, the deeper the emotional attraction the further I’m capable of going?

You don’t have to explain it to me. I’ve never had sex with a man to whom I haven’t had an emotional connection. 

[BaileyB]

43 minutes ago, Sociallyrepressed said:

If I had gone through with it to the end at least I would have known I’d given it my all to make it work, instead of being this self sabotaging person

Kindly, a good man doesn’t want you to do something that you are not ready to do. It’s not self sabotaging to NOT feel really for sex by the third date? It must have been a man who created that “rule.”  Seriously, there is nothing wrong with wanting to have an emotional connection with a man before you have sex with a guy and that generally takes more than a few hours. 

The guy who is right for you will not mind waiting until you are comfortable and ready (as long as you are not expecting him to wait years or until marriage - which even then, some men will do). If he doesn’t do this - that is your clue that he is not the right guy for you. 

Edited May 16, 2021 by BaileyB